Exhausted from child care

'Helping out' voluntarily out of love and generosity is understandable, but Grandparents don't have an obligation to take over the responsibilities of their adult children especially 80 hours per week (full time) of childcare.

Your son and DIL owe you both a debt of gratitude for the three and a half years of freedom they enjoyed while you didn't and at your own expense! During that time, you were also depleted of resources and energy that grew more scarce as time passed not to mention the obvious jeopardy to your health.

You had every right to end this (parental abuse) on your own terms. If anything, your son and DIL took advantage of your generosity for more than three years. If anybody should be feeling guilty, it's them not you!

'Helping out' voluntarily out of love and generosity is understandable, but Grandparents don't have an obligation to take over the responsibilities of their adult children especially 80 hours per week (full time) of childcare.

Your son and DIL owe you both a debt of gratitude for the three and a half years of freedom they enjoyed while you didn't and at your own expense! During that time, you were also depleted of resources and energy that grew more scarce as time passed not to mention the obvious jeopardy to your health.

You had every right to end this (parental abuse) on your own terms. If anything, your son and DIL took advantage of your generosity for more than three years. If anybody should be feeling guilty, it's them not you!

NanKate. Was typing as you were posting. Fully agree

No guilt trip needed here lupin22. You have done a marvellous job in supporting your family but it is now time to retire from it.
I am not pointing a finger here but IMO not all parents Need to Work the hours they do but if free childcare is available by loving family they can and do take advantage of it. I am sure most of us grandparents did not expect “in our day” to have this luxury. As my father would say, you made your bed now lay in it. Hope I have made sense here and not offended anyone.

I'm just throwing this comment into the conversation to see what others think.

Do some of this generation of young parents (NOT ALL) have higher expectations of today's grandparents than we did of our parents ?

I watched the hilarious 'Motherland' on TV a few months back; the beleaguered working mother trying to organise free childcare was wailing to her pretty devious non helping husband that she wanted her children to be brought up just the way she was - by her mother! (This lady was wisely not answering the door of the phone)

Welcome to GN by the way.

Lupin22 Problems aren't insurmountable.
No doubt you should feel better about yourself come June/July time.

Please don't feel guilty you have done your bit and saved them money over the years. You were in a situation that became impossible for you and the AC are locked into a system of both having to work, there is no easy answer . Both my DDs have said that although they enjoy their jobs they can see how much easier life would have been if they could have stayed at home for the first five years and cared for their own children without involving us and nurseries.

Although the children were older I did a similar th8ng for my daughter. I snapped, I was so ver6 stressed, couldn’t slee0 properly, now there is not contact, I’m told I terrorized her children, she will never forgive me. Hmmmm

I guess that nobody in this situation managed expectations so it became a bone of contention. I have been in a similar situation and found that my DS would be surprised when I said I couldn't manage certain things and would say, "But I thought you liked having him." At first that would make me feel guilty and then I remembered what a Counsellor told me. I had a right to feel the way I did and shouldn't be afraid to act on it. I have reduced my hours to one day a week which is far more manageable.
In your situation, it sounds like you snapped. Did you give them enough time to make other arrangements? If it were me, I would try to make time to talk to my DIL on her own and explain that I was worried that there would be an accident with her children as you were both getting so tired. If you didn't give her much warning, perhaps apologise for that saying you wish you had handled it differently. Perhaps ask her why she feels so let down, listen to her and ask if you could draw a line under it and move on. Once you've done that, you will have done all you could and the ball is in her court to let it go.

I made it clear to my dd I would not be offering childcare when her maternity leave ends. I had sole custody of my first dgd for several years before she returned home dd.
I still have dgd1 one night a week, she does an after school activity near me. I love our time together.
But I'm not mentally or physically able to care for a baby anymore. I'm not particularly old, just unable.
Unfortunately my dd hasn't sourced childcare in anticipation for her return to work in 2 months!! I have reiterated that I'm not able to provide childcare. I struggle to pick the wee one up already! It's not the same thing as looking after an older child who is relatively independent.
Please don't feel guilty that you've said enough is enough. You were brave. I hope that your relationship with your dil recovers soon ?

Look on the bright side.
You say you gave up 80 hours a week to childminding etc.
There’s 144 hours in a week.
That leaves you with 64 hours a week to yourself.
How much time do you need?

When you say 80 hours per week joint care do you mean you look after gc for 40 hours per week but because there are 2 of you doing the childcare it works out at 80 hours per week . A little confusing but it does sound much better at 40 hours of childcare but more dramatic at 80 hours of childcare . Can't fathom out your thinking!t
Even so 40 hours is still a lot of free childcare every week.
I have looked after our gs since he was a few months old , it started off at 3 days per week but it was from 8 a.m until 6 pm or sometimes later depending on traffic through town. Then it dropped to 2 days a week when he got extra free nursery hours.
Now he is at school we do pick up only for one week then the following week just one day pick up for sleepover night and take to school following morning.
It is all really appreciated we know that as they very often tell us so. They are always saying that they don't know what they would do without us but are also often asking if we are still ok with all the arrangement s or does it need reviewing . They have often offered money for food for gs but we always refuse it . He is our gs and we will feed him from our own money thank you. money
They often treat us to dinner or a takeaway too . I must admit thoughts I get tired easily as I have health issues but it's what I call a "happy tired"

I did it for my 2 older grandkids (teenagers now)....as for the new toddlers and babies, I clearly told my son and d.i.l. that I would not be able to do regular childcare but would help with babysitting. Though last week I babysat the 2 little ones together and I really struggled ... we are all getting older and AC should understand

What a strange all or nothing situation? 80 hours a week or absolutely zero?

Can you discuss with them what is entailed in " helping out"

Yes we do what we can but can’t be expected to do what we can’t or don’t want to.

Children are the responsibility of their parents not grandparents.

I think the Op means 40 hours of childcare for each child, running consecutively, making the 80, not actually 80 hours of childcare.

I've been getting up at 6am every school day for four years, taking my son's two children to and from school every day. I can't really do anything during the day without worrying if it will clash with the school pickup time. But I'm happy to do it , as he has his children 100\% of the time and he has no other support.

As grandparents we do what we can to make life easier for our children.

This is not acceptable, Grandparents are not there just for free childcare. If you can not afford childcare you should not be having children.
Like most people, I do not mind stepping up when there are emergencies or inset days, but 80 hours a week would be downright cheek. I love my family dearly but they would never ask me to make that kind of commitment. It smacks of lack of respect for your parents if you even ask.

As I read the post, the son made all the necessary child care arrangements when Lupin stopped the arrangement and the dil in now working extra hours to cover the cost and not speaking to mil. So from my point of view she seems a sulky little madam.

Don't feel guilty you've done your bit.

Why do people have children, and then expect other people to bring them up, feed and nurture them? Apart from the strain it puts on you, they are missing so much of the joy of their own children. I think it is selfish and irresponsible.

Is it my imagination or is the DiL coming in for more than her share of blame? There is a DS involved too. Sorry but I do keep noticing this in the replies.

My philosophy right from the start re grandchildren was that I could/would not do for one DC what I wasn't prepared to go on and do for all three DC re grandchildcare - as I have 3 DDs it's not unreasonable to anticipate 9 or so DGC. There is no way I wish or would be able to take on such a massive commitment now I have retired. I am always more than happy to provide emergency childcare, pick ups from school and nursery if arrangements fall apart and to babysit but was clear right from the start that I see my role as support rather than regular child care. I am constantly amazed at how many friends get sucked into providing regular care and then become resentful at how their retirement years are passing by without having the time or freedom to do the things they planned.