Exhausted from child care

It can creep up if you are not careful. I have seen it happen with friends. DH and I have looked afted DGC a couple of times a week and still do but now they are all at school it is for fewer hours. You don't have to stop completely .. could offer to do pick up early from day care a couple of days ..whatever suits you. And that is the key..it has to be a two way agreement. Help for busy parents and pleasure for GPs. When it is not a pleasure it is time to rethink.

Don't feel guilty. When our first grandchild was born we agreed to mind her two days a week, from 7.30 am to 6.30 pm. I was shattered as I did all the childcare (hubby just did what he felt like). I started getting vertigo and was diagnosed with anemia. Still I carried on until she started school. Then her brother was born and I was asked if I would do one full day a week. I had to say no. I was six years older by then and just couldn't take on another baby. He goes to nursery now at £800 a month. He loves it but I know my daughter struggles to pay as her marriage has just broken up.

Oh dear. You did your best but they expected too much. I expect they didn't realise just how onerous it would be for you and that's not your fault. I hope it all blows over for all your sakes.

What a charming DiL.

You did your best and more to help them with childminding then when you explain you find it too exhausting now, her nose is out of joint. She should think herself very lucky that you did all this caring for her children and.......it was FOC.

You understood her position and needs so what is it she can’t understand about your position and needs. Sounds like it’s all about her and in that case, hope this helps you not to feel the tiniest bit guilty.

lupin2 I think you did remarkably well to do what you did. I often see grandparent her in the park trying to keep up with a manic 2 year old and looking tired and dare I say bored. Golf and bowls friends have their retirement overtaken by these arrangements and cant enjoy their own life whats more they expect the rest of us to fall in e.g. 'I have to golf at 8.30 in the morning to fit in with the school pick up' . The rest of us ladies are expected to fall in with this- I dont hit the tee until after 10. Anyway lupin2 I hope you can enjoy your own time but enjoy the GCs too but on your terms.

I feel for you both and totally understand how these things happen. We currently look after a 2 year old for 2 days and pick up the 4 year old from school. In the mornings we help with the school run etc. I volunteered to look after the 4 year old for 2 days and this was then expected when the second one came along. We can cope with this BUT it is enough! The wine bottle comes out on Tuesday evening when they leave even though we adore them both. I could NOT cope with anymore. Don’t feel guilty.......... or at least try not to, but I think it’s a woman’s lot in life.

I am sorry for you but also grateful to you for voicing your feelings as a warning.
I am the sort if person who might spontaneously agree to something like you have done but luckily was never asked.
DD has mentioned, with a glint of envy, other people's parents who do the bulk of child care but knows we are not in a position to help.
I know someone who is muttering how as she gets older and creakier the child gets heavier and more demanding and there's another expected.
I hope you can sort something out now. It shouldn't be all or nothing .

I do really sympathise. When my DiL became pregnant for the first time, my DS said, jokingly (or was it??) that I could retire early and look after the baby full-time instead. I responded in kind, laughed my head off and said "yeah, you wish!" or something similar.
I then went on in a more serious vein to say that I would be more than happy to help out with babysitting now and then and in emergencies, but I wouldn't be prepared to commit my time to a permanent full-time (or even part-time!) child care arrangement. So we all knew where we stood right from the start and it's worked well. We love having our GC and spending time with them, but even the odd day or two here and there is exhausting!
I am continually shocked at how many parents expect the grandparents to provide free full-time childcare, and seem to have no clue about just how exhausting this can be to people in their 60s and beyond. Utterly selfish in my opinion, and rude beyond belief to expect them to pay for all their food and entertainment on top of this!
I really feel for you, because now you will be worrying about how to get your relationship with them back on an even footing. But please, please, do not torture yourself with guilt. The only people in this case who should be feeling guilty are your son and daughter in law for taking the piss for so long.
Incidentally, I don't really understand how you were doing 80 hours a week. Serriously? That's 16 hours a day over a 5 day week! Surely not?

The only thing that went wrong here was falling out, understandably so, when things got out of hand. Saying no is hard and you were taken advantage of. It is interesting to note how you say your DiL now has to cover the additional cost as opposed to your son or rather both of them? I guess you find it hard to say no your son? I would start to mend some bridges, perhaps meeting up for lunch or something, if there is a birthday coming up? That way you can get some sort of normality back to your lives. There is no need to feel guilty, it was partially their responsibility for laying an intolerable load at your door.

Lupin22 If you have done three and a half years you have done more than your share.You say your DIL is working more to pay nursery fees, is she claiming the free nursery provision the child is entitled to? You shouldn't feel guilty. But if it gets too much and you want to offer an olive branch you could make yourself available in the school holidays and offer a limited amount of time. On the other hand guilt is the default position for all parents and grandparents!

Don't feel guilty. Age creeps up on us all. Don't feel guilty about reaching snapping point either. You are human, and I would probably have done the same.

Enjoy your new found freedom.

In retrospect I am sure you wish you had sat down with your family and discussed what might and might not be possible. Hopefully others will see your plight and be moved to do this from the start.

TBH if you were doing 80 hours with two children and providing food then that is what is called "taking the piss" by your family. And just bad manners and lack of consideration.

What a shame for you as I am sure you miss the children.

We currently do one full day a week and 2 school pick-ups. We discussed this beforehand and DD made her other arrangements about what we were able to manage. When baby no.2 arrived we arranged that we would have them both, but on separate days. One is now at school so that alters things a bit and we are down to one day with the 3 year old now. If something comes up that we cannot do a day (appointments or visits) then DD shifts things around to fit.

She has never once voiced any complaint and is always very grateful. I would expect no less of her.

I do think this is a total failure of good manners on behalf of your son and DIL and you should not feel to blame in any way for the fact that this has proved to be too much for you - it would be too much for anyone!

It is sad that it came to a head and the arrangement could not be ended amicably. Do you feel you would like to still have the children, but in a way and at a level that you can manage? If so, maybe you could go back to them with an offer that you have decided is manageable between you.

Oh dear, why didn’t you talk about it with the parents before you got to snapping point. It’s not an all or nothing situation, little in life is.

We all need to negotiate and work together

Don't feel guilty at all Lupin22 you have been expected to do far too much. I understand that the care arrangements escalate without you necessarily realising but your son & daughter in law have been totally unrealistic in their expectations. Not to say selfish.
You have helped as much as you could now it's time for you to enjoy your retirement.

Don't feel guilty at all. 80 hours of childcare per week are parental hours - NOT grandparent hours. That was a ridiculous expectation on their end, more especially if you were covering all of the associated costs. Next time don't take on more than you can possibly handle. That's how resentment starts to breed in - from a totally humble act of love. Glad you put stop to it. Now sit back and enjoy your life and free time!

We have friends who have the same sort of grandchild child-care situation that you used to have Lupin. They wanted to help so agreed to Monday every week when their DIL returned to work. That became three days a week and now they have to take the ten month old baby as well. They even get asked to have the children at weekends for sleep overs so their parents can go out and have 'me time'.

My friend's husband has at last decided enough is enough. They are in their late sixties and much as they love their grandchildren and son, they feel shattered and seem to have less time together to do their own thing than their working children have. He told us recently that son and DIL sometimes meet up after work for a drink in town before collecting the children.

They admit they allowed it to happen but dread telling son he and DIL will have to find other child-care arrangements. He is determined to claim their retirement back, and rightly so, imo. It seems to be a common problem that small amounts of child care time increase without much thought for the strain on elderly grandparents.

Its because you let something start, which was invaluable to your son and daughter in law.

I'm sure most working parents wouldn't balk at the idea of 80 hours a week free childcare!

You did it whilst you could, which is more than enough (more than I would have done!) so you really shouldn't feel guilty.

Childcare should be something the parents sort out, and taken into account before having another baby.