Things I learnt after three weeks with grandkids

I barely managed two days with my lot, still recovering from the general mayhem. I admire all of you who can do longer stretches!

Brownsgirl - I think anyone would have been at their wits end after all the illness etc over your Christmas.

We have had a post about sleeps problems added to this post which seems to have hijacked it a bit. I wonder if the instructions on how to start a post are clear enough as I know it can be a bit of a maze to find out how to do it. Maybe grandsnet could write clear step by step directions

Your grandson got meningitis and you’re worried about this?

Bbbface Your comnent was totalky uncalled and nasty. I’ve commented before how some members just love to chime in with sly digs and criticism. Obviously the OP was concerned about the poor baby but he’s fine and the priblems began before that anyway. I often wonder why some people just love to make snide remarks at every opportunity. I came in here because some on Mumsnet are just awful.

things do get tense when the generations are cooped up together. My children are bringing up their children with the modern parenting methods and it drives me nuts, and I am sure every generation has said the same thing, My mother probably hated the way I brought mine up. But we all shut our mouth and let them do it their way unless advise is asked for.
Sadly yours was probably just an accumulation of everything building up on the parents and yourself.
I agree let things settle down and then maybe meet on neutral ground for a coffee and talk things through.
I think we all do things to the best of our abilities and circumstances at the time but our children do not see it that way. The amount of things I resent that my mother did is unbelievable so much so I cut all ties with her, but I am sure she did her best with what life through at her. You must have done plenty right for your son to still want you in his life

What a hugely stressful time for you and everyone - new baby, meningitis, Christmas, New Year, AND visiting relations from both sides of the family. Enough there for a tv series or a film. You have all got through it and are all talking to each other.

Does your son ‘vent’ and then not realise the effect he’s had on you? Some people don’t hold anything in and don’t realise that they have hurt anyone.

I look back on what I said to my mother on occasion, I loved her but I was sometimes rude. Bitterly regret it now of course.

You’ve had lots of advice and different suggestions here. I personally would be careful about moving closer to your family, if you are going to be upset by your sons behaviour. Could you try staying initially with (I think) your sister in law for a longer period?

I do hope you are feeling better now, and dont worry about children not saying goodbye - some tend to very much live in the present, and to not think about saying goodbye because they know you will be back! ?

Either let it go or don't go to stay again.

It's just too much time. You know the saying 'After 3 days fish and guests stink'. Even with near and dear, you can have too much of a person. It will all blow over but I'd say - stay for 2 days only, you will love them more and they will love you more. And lower your expectations of Xmas / New Year.

No, I certainly would not consider staying with them again. Your son has lots of issues but you cannot rewrite the past. To maintain any sort of relationship you do need your space and I would make alternative arrangements as you have suggested and keep visits much shorter. It's always best to leave when people are wanting you to stay as opposed to everyone wondering just when you are going to go.

And the sooner they get a vaccine against norovirus the better. I swear that silly illness has ruined more people's family reunions than any other

It must have been very hurtful for them not to have sorted out New Year's Eve. Happy New Year to you

I feel sorry for the baby. No way would I have taken a baby that young to a huge family gathering let alone to a party with a load of unrelated people. It's just asking to catch something. I'm somewhat amazed that the mother felt up for it either!

Bless you dear heart ❤

Maybe a shorter stay would have been better for all concerned I personally love all of my daughters and son but the thought of spending that long with any of them would fill me with dread .

There was a funny cartoon in the paper years ago and the gist of it was all children blame their parents for childhood stuff.You have obviously done an excellent job in parenting under difficult circumstances as your son has lovely house,job,wife,kids.
Try to ignore what happened at Christmas,never mention it and it will blow over,hope the family are all well now.
Moving closer will give you lots of treasured time with grandchildren,they never criticize you !You have unconditional love forever.Good luck.

Last week we spent a day/night each with 3 of our 4. Grand children all in teens or early 20s.
Glad we did it, but it was an eye-opener. TG we weren't trying to bring them up in these times.

Parents, generally love their children more than they love them. If it was the other way round, then they would never leave home.

We had a hectic Christmas too and seeing the GC was magic, but overall moving from bed to bed and house to house and driving, drinking and eating, took its toll, We love them all dearly but we loved being back at home

I also hate it when my children tell me off, who doesn’t ? . I think children enjoy the role reversal.
If, in addition Parents have divorced, then the children can really can go to town with stored up Grievances. Even us couples, who didn’t divorce get criticised. Children all have something that their parents ‘ ‘did’ to them ! Because we are only HUMAN.

Brownsgirl it was really bad luck your GC being ill, but you can forgive yourself, because I think you did amazingly well to stay with your DIL with all this craziness going on.

You must have done a good job as a single Mother, as they trust you with their children.
...meanwhile hugs from me, as you need some comfort. You survived.
Move nearer and then you won’t have to stay the night, and say ‘ I need my space’....why not, your children will, and do.

" but overall moving from bed to bed and house to house and driving, drinking and eating, took its toll, We love them all dearly but we loved being back at home"
Exactly our experience Jaynayressister!

Brownsgirl Blimey, what a stressful situation. Christmas and New year for starters, bugs going round, poor, wee sick baby. Older children who are so much into their own lives they forget their manners - and everyone jumbled together.

How could it NOT go wrong
But you survived and you and your son obviously love one another very much and will continue to do so.

When it comes to arranging next years' jollifications, try to do it without blame, don't rake up this last fiasco but say, 'To tell you the truth darling, I fancy a quiet Christmas and New Year this time.' And don't be persuaded to change your mind

i think your son should be the one apologising.. and some anger management courses. or maybe he was worried about the baby being ill... of course you couldnt go to the new years eve party. it was right you stayed away as you could have passed the virus around. loads of people stayed home to watch the new year in. me too i was full of cold/cough/sore throat. no way would i have gone to any party. cup of hot chocolate and went to bed after a half hour on facebook.people say a lot of things when they drink and dont remember later. just be there for your grandchildren.

Sometimes we need to remind our children that, whatever criticism or issue is being discussed, we did the very best we were able to at that time. We can all be very wise in hindsight or may do things differently now but at that time we did our best. We are all human and make mistakes and sometimes the generations need to forgive each other and cherish what we do have.

Thanks for all the input from everyone. Yes I did best I could at time and I am very proud of my son. He also acts very like his dad at times although I never ever say that to him or he would be cross. He is angry at us both ..me because I am in the UK and his dad lives 20 mins away and rarely sees him or grandkids. His dad does help him if he bothers to ask but they are not close. I think just have to step back and not take things so personally and remember circumstances said. Next Christmas my son and his wife say they will not be home and intend going to Disney World. Grandparents are invited to join them and anyone else but they will not be at home. So guess need to save pennies up if I want to go. My son said”you will come Mum” . So maybe I am not so bad after all.

I think they were having a rotten time and he needed to vent,who better than your mum who knows you better than yourself sometimes.Under the circumstances I would just let it go,he'll be able to relax now baby is here and recovered from his illness.I hope the rest of baby's first year goes much better for the wee soul...and his family .

@tickingbird

The OP’s new born grandson fell ill on the 2/3rd Jan with an incredibly serious possibly fatal illness.

And she posts this 5/6 days later.

You may not like my response, but I’m staggered that this is her focus when she almost lost her grandson, and it well speak volumes about why the OP finds herself pushed out if family occasions.

BBbface thanks for your reply however all is not what it seemed to you and perhaps my messages did not convey what I did and felt about baby. I felt very guilty that he got very sick within a day of me being very ill. He got sick very fast which scared the life out of me . I am was a neonatal nurse so I know when things go wrong. I also would never have came home if he had still been in hospital and not improving. The medical staff were pleased with his recovery and he was breastfeeding well . All are well now and my new grandson thriving and bright in photos. I think they got him checked and treated at right time and admitted fast. Thank god they live near the Children’s hospital and were seen in ER right away and within an hour had had a lumbar puncture done. I would like to think uk hospitals would have done same . Luckily they are in Ontario, Canada . Certainly they got tests results much quicker and he was always on a monitor and have fluids iv running . So I had no worries at all about his care. My daughter in law does not ever ask me questions and often I only know what she is thinking when she talks to others in front of me. My son does ask medical questions and queries things. They have to make own decisions about their children and the hardest think is standing back and waiting to be asked rather than jumping in and sorting out which what I wanted to do. They do trust me with the kids totally and I know that and that is good I do see that.