How do I handle this?

Take my hat off to you too!
Well done and I hope I would have said the same...although I'm sure I would have felt sad too like you did.

Yes - the step dad probably had just given a choc bar or some fun activity or the dad may have just told them off for something or taken their tablet from them or told them to do their homework!
You did well to say you can love someone the same but differently. Its true - we all do.
I love my children the same but differently simply because they're different. Same theory for my gc.
That said I would have been upset too but its possible the next day you gc may have said he loves his dad more.

Handled brilliantly, despite very trying circumstances! Take my hat off to you x

Sorry for fat fingers typos

How can you quantify love. It's a feeling. If the little one FEELS he loves both dad's the same that's fine. My youngest was 3 when I divorced and remarried. My husband adores her and she him . She has two dad's and lover them equally. Calls them both dad. My older 3 were 7...11...12 when I remarried. The love their stepdad and their dad. They look on my husband as stepdad but treat him with affection. When he had a cardiac arrest 6 years ago the relatives room was crammed with our children. Our grandchildren are OUR grandchildren. Not step grandchildren. I think the child should be told that's it's ok to love both his dad's equally. It's his choice. Why make him feel guilty. It really is no one's business but his.

I remember when I was pregnant with my second child, worrying about how could I love another child as much as I loved my first.
I spoke with my midwife who gave a lovely analogy. She said, if you light one candle, then take another candle and light it from the first, does it diminish the first candles flame? No, and love is like that, love is infinite.
I've used this for my own children when step-parents and half brothers/sisters appeared and they were comforted by it.

All children play this game of who they love most and who loves them most I would ignore it after saying we can love everyone the same and no need to be loving one more than the other as it is not a competition.
They will forget it long before you do and making a big thing of it just keeps it going.

Do children that age understand the true meaning of the word love? I doubt it. Oh and it will be like best friends...a different one every few weeks. I wouldn't worry. They are children.... It is more important that they have four very caring adults looking after them.

Tough one . I think you did your best and Granny Gravy is right. You are lucky they love and are loved by both sets of parents. Long may it continue and rejoice in that. Children will be fickle, most will go through times when they profess to love one parent more than the other. My son used to tell me,aged 3, how his childminder was his favourite... I was just pleased he felt safe and looked after (once over the working parent angst of course!).

Albangirl this is what I fear as I know myGs does have a different relationship to his sister with his dad and his My DsS is harder on him which I dont agree with .

Children are constantly 'winding up' their siblings. It's part of growing up, and learning how people interact with each other. My oldest daughter, in particular, was an expert at getting her brothers and sister arguing with each other. Now they are the best of friends. You did the right thing. Just keep on reinforcing the theme that having lots of people to love, and be loved by, is wonderful.

My GD used to say that she wanted her parents to get back together as she ha dsuch amazing memeories of the things her dad did with her .Mum couldn't understand that as she was only 2 when dad left with the first of a long line in women in tow.
When she was questioned about those "amazing memories" we discovered it was her Stepfather who had been at the centre of them and she was too wee to remeber that ,just that she felt loved and wanted and cared for.She didn't actually believe her mum until she was shown photographs of the times she talked about and saw for herself who the man in the pictures was.She still adores her Dad ,who rarely sees her as he has "a new family" but she knows the most important man in her life is her stepdad and she's happy with that .

I remember struggling with this as a child, trying to work out which granny I loved more. I don't know why I thought I had to decide! My mum said it wasn't nice to say I loved one more than the other, but didn't explain that I didn't have to rank my grannies like this! I can only assume I'd heard some other child talking about which of their grannies they preferred and it set me off thinking about it.

I was thinking the same he must feel rejected by his dad in some way and this is how he expresses it.

My DD adored her Step Dad, she never forgave her own F from leaving when she was coming up 5 (I never said a bad word about him, this was her own opinion). You sound like you've got a well balanced family. Children form opinions but may love a person one day & then love some-one more later on. All part of growing up

Personally I'd discourage them from even having conversations like that. I know most schools discourage "best friends" now and probably would stop any conversation about "I like x better than y" among their classmates. I think I'd deal with it by stopping them and saying "everyone needs love and respect, we are all good people"

No one can be told to love anyone more...or in which way. I personally would just stay out of it, even if they are arguing. In a sense, they may need to argue, to be able to work out their own feelings. And it may be that they both grow up feeling differently. If their parents intervene and have things to say, that’s up to them, but as a grandparent, I wouldn’t get more involved. I’d just value your own relationship with them both, which is of course, unique.

I think your grandchildren should be able to decide for themselves as they know how they feel

Which one is the younger? The little boy? In that case I'd not be surprised - he doesn't remember a time when his real dad was part of the family. Of course he's going to feel closer to the stepfather.

You dealt with it so well, ruthiek. Well done. Love is an emotion, a feeling that we have and even we the adults can't sometimes explain why we love someone more or less than another. At times we just can't help it and so often logic doesn't come to it, especially with the kids. No one can tell us to love someone or not to or how much of it we can have towards anyone. This is a freedom we all have and I think the sooner we learn it the better it is. It's a freedom to be respected even if we may not like it. We're all, irrespective of our age, entitled to it and once we develop this mentality we're less likely to argue or fight about it. It can come and go just as easily as it came and went.

Having said all this, when my 3 year old grand daughter told me she didn't love me the other day, I felt deeply hurt and sad. It didn't help me at the time that she was frustrated with someone else. I felt hurt despite the fact that she's only 3, I much, much older, and the fact we're both entitled to our feelings.

I've learnt that as we get older, we can learn how to notice and respect our emotions and feelings but be mindful of how we react to them. I've learnt I have choices and control over them. I can now assess which reactions could produce what kind of outcomes and choose between them. Even then, not all my choices work out well. It took me a life time to learn these and find peace. Before that I used to react to many of my emotions without enough thought like Kids and many adults who go through life missing out the real growth in our lives, the emotional side.

Tell them love isn't something that can be measured, but the more you give out the more you get back. They can love both dads equally but as each of them are different, so the love will feel different. It doesn't mean that the love felt is any more or any less than for the other parent. It's the same as the love they feel for their mother being different for their father. No more or less, just different. My grandchildren are in the same position as yours and I thank god that they are loved, and love back, their stepparents. It sounds as though your grandchildren just need things clarified for them to feel happy again.

He's a child. Be happy that he is happy, and hopefully nobody will try to change that by questioning it. He's obviously well loved by all, which is the main thing

Tell them that love is a wonderful thing and it’s great to have so many people to love and so many to love them ?❤️

To a child, loving a parent is not much different from loving ice cream in that this is a simple, immature concept. Love as we know it, is one they cannot articulate adequately.

Your explanation: loving people differently, will suffice for now but it will be years before they truly understand.

We so often expect children to think as we do - when of course they cannot. Nor can they express themselves as adults do.

Catch one of those children when they are out of sorts with a parent who's just corrected them and they may well say they don't love that parent any more.

How many children, if punished, yell, 'I hate you' ?
No they don't.
So we, as mature adults, should not take this sort of thing seriously.

Just mediate, explain in age-appropriate ways - which you did ruthiek - and discourage them from fighting and getting into serious conflicts.

Your GS doesn't love his stepdad more; he said he loves them the same.
Yes, you did right.