Impact of Social Media on grandparent expectations and experience.

The OP’s post was too long to read as I’m in a hurry. My DD2 was a teen when she had her DS1. She wanted me and DP at the birth. An hour after labour started in earnest, his mother arrived in the delivery room. She was slightly horrified, but didn’t say anything. So she had all three of us there for the birth and the midwife was her friend’s mum! DD would never have asked MIL to be there, but was glad in the end that she had the joy of seeing her GS born. As it turned out that he is severely disabled, it has really helped with the bonding.

Social media has become a curse. Thankfully I thought this might happen (it allows so much trouble) so have avoided it.

I had my first baby in 1947. My husband was sent off to work even though it was a difficult birth. Visiting days were Weds and Sunday. I was in hospital for ten days. My son was born in 1949. My husband was working away and I could not get in touch with him. No mobile phones those days so didn’t see him until two days later.
Although my grandparents were only a tram ride away only saw them a few times a year and I was never cared for by anyone apart from mother. My children were never looked after apart from me for ten years.
Now my son and daughter in law are very much involved with their grand children and I feel they are being raised by them rather than their own parents.

Just DH with me when my DDs were born, and medical staff of course, which was fine. I'm pretty sure neither DM or DMiL would have wanted to be there, and it wasn't usual then. DDs had just their husbands present when their children were born. I would have found it very difficult to see my DDs in pain, but, should they have not had their partners to support, I would have been there, and so would my DH. However,in that situation, they would probably have chosen each other as birth partner. It's all up to the individual.
As someone has already said, it's not a competition.

I think you are spot on OP! And it drives me nuts.

When I had DD my mom expected to be in the delivery room, and was horrified when I told her it would be just DP and I. The same has continued with me not having DD babysat (We've never had any reason to need to leave her with anyone). She seems to have gotten all this 'grandparent bonding time' ideas from her siblings who have grandchildren, and what she sees them do. But she never had our grandparents do any of that, it baffles me. And they are quite happy to leave their children with the grandparents every weekend so they can go out and get drunk, and I don't drink much anyway.

I didn't have anyone visit in hospital the day DD was born and had them visit at home the next morning instead. I'd had preeclampsia as was a bit of a mess with high blood pressure and they were unsure if I'd have to go on a drip so I didn't want to add visitors into the mix. Again she kicked up a fuss, because 'what would people think'. The same with me not having visitors from my extended family, I don't get on with them (various reasons from extremely racist to drug addicts) and only saw them if I accidentally ran into them at her house. She didn't understand that I didn't want these people around me, let alone my child, and moaned about it so I allowed one person to. Within about 5 minutes there were pictures all over social media and they never bothered with us again, just wanted that photo of them with the new baby on social media.

It frustrates me because I feel like my daughter is just a way for her to get attention on social media. She cares more about what other people think of her and playing up to this image than how I feel.

That all being said, I have had a difficult relationship with her since my teens because she's always been like this, even before she got social media. Her public image and playing happy families with the extended family has always mattered most.

I've gone on a bit of a rant here but it's bought back a lot of resentment from when DD was born. When I gave birth she was the only person I called who didn't even ask how I was. Even when I explained I had to go into theatre and had dangerously high blood pressure she just 'ummed'.

When my DGC were born I was at the hospital but never in the delivery room. As a PP I would not have wanted to see my DDs going through the pain. Although I was the standby birth partner, and I would have gone into the delivery room if requested. Luckily I was not required to go in but hope that my presence close by was of some help.

When I had my DDs I had no-one with me the first time and at the second birth the now exh was present but was more hinderance than help.

If you watch 'Call the Midwife' you'll see that there were often women from the extended family present at the birth of a child until the move to maternity hospitals/wards in the 60's when childbirth became more medicalised. I have been present during all three of one of my daughter's births and at several other births where the soon-to-be parents are as close as my own children and planned in advance for me to be present.

What is very worrying is the expectation of extended family members to be present, as if it was a right and not a privilege. Having said that, most of my friends have said that they absolutely would not want to be present at a birth.

I don't think my grandparenting has been influenced a jot by Social Media and I'm a heavy user of Facebook.

I think it is now over the top, the trouble is this generation wants to share every aspect of their life with the world and Is it good or bad I have no idea. My son had three children was I the first, second or third to be told I have no idea and don't really care. I was just happy to be told a healthy child had arrived and I could see it when the time was right.

Jenpax so sorry if my post made you feel anxious. Nowadays things are very different and social media can play an important part in keeping families in touch. Hopefully you can use Skype or WhatsApp to keep in touch with your 3 GDS and I hope you get to visit them and that you make a good recovery. Wishing you all the best xx

I remember having my first dd when I was very young. She was an emergency C section in the middle of the night. I didn’t get her beside me for a couple of days as she was kept in the Special Baby Unit.

Once home mil was a nightmare. She would walk in and lift sleeping baby from the pram. That was bad enough, but she always had a cigarette hanging from her mouth and would continue to smoke it while holding baby. Took great exception if I told her to put her cigarette out and would immediately light up again if I left the room. I had to leave the room to breast feed as mil and fil thought it was disgusting to feed in front of them. Dh backed them all the time.

By the time dd2 was born a couple of years later dh had been very thoroughly put in his place (by me) and warned that things had to be done my way.
If baby was sleeping in pram in corner, mil was not allowed to touch her. No smoking at all in house, at any time. If they were not happy with my breastfeeding then they had to leave the room!

Didn’t endear me to them and they appealed to dh that I should not be allowed to speak to them in this way, and he should as head of the house (my boss) tell me that I could not tell them what to do. My own dps were happy to abide by these guidelines.

Ils always treated me like dirt, so glad no social media to pull me to pieces on! Don’t think they ever forgave me and the relationship went downhill after that.

Yes it does.

My daughter was adamant that she wanted me in the delivery room with her.

Her daughter, my granddaughter is about to give birth to twins, and again, she is adamant that she wants her mum in with her, in addition to her partner.

Since the onset of radio and television, our every day experiences have been idealized by advertisers in order to shape our family values, our lifestyles and ultimately, our purchases. Today, social media has become another advertising tool as well as a platform.

Social media shows us what we eat, what we wear, how we travel, how we educate our children, what we feed them, what pets to have, etc. etc. When we share our personal experiences with friends and family, we are inadvertently sharing our values and our choices. When someone idealizes how their babies come into the world, who should be there and everything that follows, friends and family react and social media is there to take notes and to use that knowledge for marketing. It's just another way to harness our purchasing power.

Yes Loule is the short answer to your OP.
Social media has a lot to answer for, although you would think that older women wouldn’t fall into the trap of envy
‘ first baby cuddles with Granny’ etc.
We are old enough and should be emotionally intelligent enough to see through either boastful comments or bullshit.

This reminds me of the round robin letters at Christmas - full of smiling, happy, perfect, high-achieving children and grandchildren and energetic, involved grandparents, all going off on lovely holidays together to exotic places, paid for by granny and grandad. However, pictures of the labour ward are not usually included.

As far as I know there are no pictures of me holding any of the DGC on social media. When I had DD1 my DH was sent out of the room, the second time he left very quickly and the third time he didn't get to the hospital in time. The idea of having my mother or MIL with me was not on, my mother had the most horrendous births just after WW2 and would not have coped at all. My DDs just had their partners with them and we were texted when babies arrived, fine by me.

Loulelady I agree with every word

I think that we have always been governed by social norms, whether imposed by society, community, newspapers or modern social media.

When I had my children it was normal to have the father present at the birth. My mother was horrified by this. It was unthinkable at the time she had children. DDiL had her mother present, because that is normal now. I wouldn't have chosen to do it.

If people want to be sheep they will. Social media merely expands the number of people they can compare themselves with. It is just Hyacinth Bucket writ large.

Personally, I am among those who have no desire to be a sheep and do my own thing in my own way, and if it goes against the norm, good.

When my gtniece had her first baby there was her Mum, sister and Grandmother in the room along with her husband. Second time round Grandmother was asked to wait outside and when my second gtniece had both her babies Grandmother wasn't there at all. When I had my children only my DH was there, I wouldn't have wanted my Mum, let alone my Grandmother, there with me. My daughter didn't want anyone other than her husband with her either and it never occurred to me to ask if I could be there (and, to be honest, I don't think I would have wanted to be there even if she had asked me to be). I to have seen some quite heartbreaking posts from GP's who have been upset by what they see as being excluded from the birth of their GC and, indeed, from seeing them immediately after birth. I was at work when all three of my GC here in the UK were born so the other Grandma saw all of them first, I popped in on the way home (after checking it would be okay to do so) - I didn't feel I HAD to see them straight away once I knew that my DD and the baby were okay (which was my main worry). Social Media does cause a lot of upsets I have noticed - and jealousy, sadly.

When DD was born in 1980 I was on my own in the Hospital, country area, most farmers/farm workers would just expect their wives to get on with it.

When DGS1 was born we lived about 3 hours away, I got a phone call early to say she was in labour, a few hours later I got another phone call to say DD had gone for Emergency C Section, quick change of plan & trip down to Hospital, we had planned to stay a week after DGS1 was born to help DD & her OH. DGS1 will be 9 soon, for almost 5 years I didn't see a lot of him due to distance, for last 4 years I have lived about 10 miles away, we have a very close & loving relationship.

DGS2 is 22 months old, although I am close to DD I would not have wanted to be at his birth nor would DD have wanted me but I did see him when he was a few hours old.

I don't post photos on SM although I will comment. I have never liked the "pass the parcel" with new babies, I don't feel jealous when others cuddle a new baby, I'm not very interested in babies, rather have them at the toddler stage, much more interesting

My first in 1963 was a hospital birth although I was originally having her at home because of a shortage of maternity beds. Then pre eclampsia put an end to that. Husbands were not allowed to be at the birth then. After 3 days I came home and my Mum took time off work to look after me and husband went to work.
No 2 in 1965 was a home birth which was wonderful. Husband was downstairs with DD and my best friend and my Mum was with me when DD2 was born.
No 3 was born in Australia in 1968 and no fathers allowed in for the birth. So DS was born at 11.30 and husband came to see us at normal visiting time 2.30pm. There the baby was brought to you for feeding but kept in the nursery for the rest of the time. After a day or so we were pretending that the baby had nit winded yet just to be able to cuddle them a but longer. That DS never had a night feed from the time we went home.
With my elder 2 DDs I wouldnt have wanted to be at the birth as it's a time for husband and wife to experience together. But I have seen all those 7 grandchildren within a few hours of them being born. With my eldest DGS who was born just after midnight I was driving through the streets of West London in my Scimitar GTE to Queen Charlottes to see him at 12.30. Because my daughters wanted me to see their new babies straightaway I went but I would never have pushed myself on them. With the youngest of that 7 I was driving to pick up her grown up DBs and DS at 10pm to take then to the hospital to see their their new DS at the request of my DD.
I really dont understand the seeming possessiveness of some grandmothers in regard to their grandchildren these days. Sit back and enjoy them when you see them but don't compare yourself to other grandparents. All families are different.

I believe that reading Gransnet issues is not compulsory?
This topic is clearly very important for other members.

Aepgirl Sat 02-Feb-19 09:16:20
Far too much to read!

Louelady I agree 100%
What has happened to the value of Privacy?
I've heard so many stories of families falling out because of SM
To say nothing of the fact that unscrupulous people can copy the photos and sell them for use for disgusting purposes.

Interestingly a couple of my friends have been present at the birth of their grandchildren, and thought it was strange that I didn't want to be there. When my grandson was born I asked my daughter whether or not she wanted me present as I thought perhaps I should offer, but (thankfully) she said no, and my son-in-law said he felt it was a special time for them as a couple and I absolutely agree! I went to see him as soon as I was able at the hospital, and gave my son-in-law a much needed break, but I would have hated to see my daughter in pain, knowing full well what it's like! Of course, if my daughter had requested my presence then I would have put my own feelings aside and bitten the bullet.
My husband was terminally ill when I had my daughter but a very good friend came with me for the birth - even in those circumstances my Mum couldn't have done it either!