Impact of Social Media on grandparent expectations and experience.

I definitely think SM plays a role, However, I hear it during in-person conversation, too. ("I was at GD's birth and it was so beautiful!"). And one may see one's friends w/ their GC or sees GPs and GC walking down the street together, etc. So I don't think SM causes the issues, but, IMO, it does exacerbate some of them.

As for who is present in the delivery room, I think that's evolved over time. At first, I remember hearing of women who wanted DH in their w/ them to share the experience, etc. Then I heard about some young women wishing they had their DM there. And it just seems to have spiraled. No doubt, SM has had an impact there too.

I only use Gransnet and Whatsapp , no time for the rest of it. Times have changed and our children and grandchildren live their lives differently. I agree with Sarah to an extent it does seem that social media has taken over. I resigned myself to the fact that I would miss some parts of my family's life and that of my friends because I choose not to use social media. There do seem to be a lot of jealousies and resentments caused by things which have been posted.

I think people live their whole lives through social media

If you go out for the day, all you see are parents taking hundreds of photos of their children, and instantly uploading them

I think they are missing out on the pleasure of outings with their children, because they’re too busy posing them for the next photo shoot

And who is it for? For all their friends and family who will think what a fun and amazing time they’re having, what cute delightful children, it’s so fake!

My dh was working an 8 hour flight away when I had my first, nobody was with me, though since I was staying with my parents at the time I suppose my mother could have come but it didn't occur to me, and frankly, since she was always apt to get in a terrible tizz or panic about things - and I'm a fairly private person - I wouldn't have wanted her there anyway. It didn't bother me at all being on my own.

Maybe I'm unusual, but I def. didn't want to be with dd for the birth of either of hers, esp. the first - I knew I'd be in a tizz so asked to be told only once it was all over. I knew her very calm and capable dh would be with her .

Though looking back, maybe I'd have urged her removal just downstairs to the obstetric unit instead of the midwife ditto a lot sooner. IMO they kept her there far too long after it must have been obvious that the birth was not going to be straightforward.

Could have saved her a lot of pain and damage, I'm still cross with those midwives who are so evangelical about managing without doctors.
Thank goodness her 2nd was very quick and easy though.

I do have FB but hardly use it. Only joined after dd said she'd be posting baby pics there, but she hardly uses it any more either - it's all Instagram/Whatsapp, and I don't do those either except for receiving Gdc pics.

I first started working as a midwife in 1971, and fathers were being encouraged to stay in the labour ward then. They didn't all do so, but the thought was there.

I didn't have my children until the late 70's but my DH was with me and it was a great help too.

I was there for my daughter's children's births, along with her DH who was happy for me to share the experience. I was really happy about it too ! I feel a great bond with my daughter's children , having seen them born.

My parents were very distant in that way - they just stayed home and expected you to take the children to visit them. It was all very "hands off" and I don't recall the children ever sleeping at their house until they were adults and visiting for a few days .

I'm happy with the way it is now, OP. I love the closeness of our family, even though the miles separate us. Social media is a great way to share news and photos - I'm all for it.

Yes, I think that SM is definitely the cause of conflict and feelings of insecurity/upset.

When I was a GP-to-be, I was constantly seeing facebook posts from friends, and members of my family, showing happy family snaps of them with their GC, and posts about what they were doing, and where they were going, etc. They are all very much 'hands-on' grandparents, who seem to be in constant contact with their GC.

Fast forward to me becoming a first-time GM, and I'm in the situation where my son, DiL, and GC live overseas, so I only get to see them on occasional visits.

Of course, I had all the emotions from guilt, upset, and jealousy, that I didn't have the close hands-on relationship that everyone else seemed to be having. However, having read many posts on Gransnet, from other grandparents, I realized that there are many more like me who, for various reasons, don't get to see their GC on a regular basis. That's life! Husband and I now cherish the time that we get to spend with our GC ... and I've weaned myself off facebook!

I haven’t, and never have had Facebook. All my children do, but apart from friends saying occasionally that they saw that one of them had posted something interesting, I haven’t the remotest idea what they post, and frankly I’m not interested

It has not really been an issue for us, but I have heard from a number of mums that their parents/ILs were getting upset over social media. Typical complaints:

"I'm not allowed to post pics of my grandbaby but the OTHER GPs get to/all my friends get to!"
"I'm not seeing my GC as often as I'd like, but I see photos of them with the OTHER GPs all the time!"
"They posted the birth announcement on SM BEFORE they called me! They should have called ME first!"

I've also heard of other extended family members posting birth/pregnancy announcements on behalf of the parents BEFORE the parents had had time to post one themselves.

Now, I'm not saying that everyone is that way. There are lots of people, my parents and ILs included, who are very respectful about social media. But it does strike me that there is a lot of potential for the whole, "But so-and-so gets to have/do/go to x, why can't I?" Really, when any adult does this, it's a very childish thing to do.

My mother and I were very close but I would never have wanted her at the birth. We were both quite happy to wait till she could come and see us at home. To be honest I would have been quite happy without DH there, but it was the modern way to do it.

Stumbled upon this thread a little late but definitely feel SM is a double edged sword. Love to share pics of GD but get fed up with opposite nan posting about 'my granddaughter ' when I am always putting 'our' granddaughter as there is also my first husband and partner to consider. She belongs to all of us not just one person! Also think she's very cheeky when she takes my photos of GD and posts them as her own. Don't want to be in a battle of the nans so have now walked away limiting my time on SM.

I love having a lot of involvement with my four GC. And yes I was there when they were all born - at the mother's request, not mine although I really loved being there.

My own children saw very little of their grandparents - my husband was a serviceman and we never lived anywhere near either family. So my children saw their grandparents about once a year . Mind you , none of the grandparents ever made any effort to come to us - it was always " when are YOU coming to see US".

I'm really happy to have close involvement with all my grandchildren - hugs and kisses, teaching them to bake, sleepovers and holidays are a wonderful part of my life. And yes I do put happy snaps on my Facebook page when the children are here. It's a great way to share the happiness.

Daughter no. 1 1967, my hubby had just enough time to kiss me goodbye before he was sent away with my outdoor clothes. He went to work the next day. Daughter 2, 1973 much the same. Daughter 3 1982 he was encouraged to stay because of staff shortages. I really would not have wanted mum in there and certainly not my mother in law. I have never wanted to be in with my daughters as I think it would have been an intrusion into a magical moment. Of course if they didn't have a partner it would have been entirely different. Social media has changed things, not for the better.

Interestingly a couple of my friends have been present at the birth of their grandchildren, and thought it was strange that I didn't want to be there. When my grandson was born I asked my daughter whether or not she wanted me present as I thought perhaps I should offer, but (thankfully) she said no, and my son-in-law said he felt it was a special time for them as a couple and I absolutely agree! I went to see him as soon as I was able at the hospital, and gave my son-in-law a much needed break, but I would have hated to see my daughter in pain, knowing full well what it's like! Of course, if my daughter had requested my presence then I would have put my own feelings aside and bitten the bullet.
My husband was terminally ill when I had my daughter but a very good friend came with me for the birth - even in those circumstances my Mum couldn't have done it either!

Louelady I agree 100%
What has happened to the value of Privacy?
I've heard so many stories of families falling out because of SM
To say nothing of the fact that unscrupulous people can copy the photos and sell them for use for disgusting purposes.

I believe that reading Gransnet issues is not compulsory?
This topic is clearly very important for other members.

Aepgirl Sat 02-Feb-19 09:16:20
Far too much to read!

My first in 1963 was a hospital birth although I was originally having her at home because of a shortage of maternity beds. Then pre eclampsia put an end to that. Husbands were not allowed to be at the birth then. After 3 days I came home and my Mum took time off work to look after me and husband went to work.
No 2 in 1965 was a home birth which was wonderful. Husband was downstairs with DD and my best friend and my Mum was with me when DD2 was born.
No 3 was born in Australia in 1968 and no fathers allowed in for the birth. So DS was born at 11.30 and husband came to see us at normal visiting time 2.30pm. There the baby was brought to you for feeding but kept in the nursery for the rest of the time. After a day or so we were pretending that the baby had nit winded yet just to be able to cuddle them a but longer. That DS never had a night feed from the time we went home.
With my elder 2 DDs I wouldnt have wanted to be at the birth as it's a time for husband and wife to experience together. But I have seen all those 7 grandchildren within a few hours of them being born. With my eldest DGS who was born just after midnight I was driving through the streets of West London in my Scimitar GTE to Queen Charlottes to see him at 12.30. Because my daughters wanted me to see their new babies straightaway I went but I would never have pushed myself on them. With the youngest of that 7 I was driving to pick up her grown up DBs and DS at 10pm to take then to the hospital to see their their new DS at the request of my DD.
I really dont understand the seeming possessiveness of some grandmothers in regard to their grandchildren these days. Sit back and enjoy them when you see them but don't compare yourself to other grandparents. All families are different.

When DD was born in 1980 I was on my own in the Hospital, country area, most farmers/farm workers would just expect their wives to get on with it.

When DGS1 was born we lived about 3 hours away, I got a phone call early to say she was in labour, a few hours later I got another phone call to say DD had gone for Emergency C Section, quick change of plan & trip down to Hospital, we had planned to stay a week after DGS1 was born to help DD & her OH. DGS1 will be 9 soon, for almost 5 years I didn't see a lot of him due to distance, for last 4 years I have lived about 10 miles away, we have a very close & loving relationship.

DGS2 is 22 months old, although I am close to DD I would not have wanted to be at his birth nor would DD have wanted me but I did see him when he was a few hours old.

I don't post photos on SM although I will comment. I have never liked the "pass the parcel" with new babies, I don't feel jealous when others cuddle a new baby, I'm not very interested in babies, rather have them at the toddler stage, much more interesting

When my gtniece had her first baby there was her Mum, sister and Grandmother in the room along with her husband. Second time round Grandmother was asked to wait outside and when my second gtniece had both her babies Grandmother wasn't there at all. When I had my children only my DH was there, I wouldn't have wanted my Mum, let alone my Grandmother, there with me. My daughter didn't want anyone other than her husband with her either and it never occurred to me to ask if I could be there (and, to be honest, I don't think I would have wanted to be there even if she had asked me to be). I to have seen some quite heartbreaking posts from GP's who have been upset by what they see as being excluded from the birth of their GC and, indeed, from seeing them immediately after birth. I was at work when all three of my GC here in the UK were born so the other Grandma saw all of them first, I popped in on the way home (after checking it would be okay to do so) - I didn't feel I HAD to see them straight away once I knew that my DD and the baby were okay (which was my main worry). Social Media does cause a lot of upsets I have noticed - and jealousy, sadly.

I think that we have always been governed by social norms, whether imposed by society, community, newspapers or modern social media.

When I had my children it was normal to have the father present at the birth. My mother was horrified by this. It was unthinkable at the time she had children. DDiL had her mother present, because that is normal now. I wouldn't have chosen to do it.

If people want to be sheep they will. Social media merely expands the number of people they can compare themselves with. It is just Hyacinth Bucket writ large.

Personally, I am among those who have no desire to be a sheep and do my own thing in my own way, and if it goes against the norm, good.

Loulelady I agree with every word

As far as I know there are no pictures of me holding any of the DGC on social media. When I had DD1 my DH was sent out of the room, the second time he left very quickly and the third time he didn't get to the hospital in time. The idea of having my mother or MIL with me was not on, my mother had the most horrendous births just after WW2 and would not have coped at all. My DDs just had their partners with them and we were texted when babies arrived, fine by me.

This reminds me of the round robin letters at Christmas - full of smiling, happy, perfect, high-achieving children and grandchildren and energetic, involved grandparents, all going off on lovely holidays together to exotic places, paid for by granny and grandad. However, pictures of the labour ward are not usually included.

Yes Loule is the short answer to your OP.
Social media has a lot to answer for, although you would think that older women wouldn’t fall into the trap of envy
‘ first baby cuddles with Granny’ etc.
We are old enough and should be emotionally intelligent enough to see through either boastful comments or bullshit.

Since the onset of radio and television, our every day experiences have been idealized by advertisers in order to shape our family values, our lifestyles and ultimately, our purchases. Today, social media has become another advertising tool as well as a platform.

Social media shows us what we eat, what we wear, how we travel, how we educate our children, what we feed them, what pets to have, etc. etc. When we share our personal experiences with friends and family, we are inadvertently sharing our values and our choices. When someone idealizes how their babies come into the world, who should be there and everything that follows, friends and family react and social media is there to take notes and to use that knowledge for marketing. It's just another way to harness our purchasing power.

My daughter was adamant that she wanted me in the delivery room with her.

Her daughter, my granddaughter is about to give birth to twins, and again, she is adamant that she wants her mum in with her, in addition to her partner.