Grandchildren and Christmas gifts

How times have changed. I used to go carol singing two weeks before Christmas every year to be able to buy every member of my family a small gift. It might have only been a bar of chocolate, but I loved wrapping it up and the seeing the pleasure on their faces when opening their gift. I am talking 50s now of course. I'm sure youngsters today miss a lot of joy by not giving, just receiving. No-one suggested I buy presents for everyone. It just seemed the right thing to do and part of the enjoyment of Christmas.

They are no longer children, and it's not just about receiving a gift this lady is upset about I'm sure, but the lack of thought,lack of appreciation, and just a small gesture of love for their grandmother.
Nobody likes to be taken for granted. I'd leave your daughter and sil to stew for a while until they can be more understanding x

My children have always bought my parents and DH's parents Christmas presents and sent them a card on their birthdays. Why? because I used to remind them. Your daughter should not have to remind them at the age they are but if they have been in the habit of buying you a present since they were small why stop now?

I would not have said anything. I think that is as bad as them not giving you anything.

I received a lovely hand made card from my 3 year old granddaughter for Christmas which I treasure. Obviously my son is carrying on the tradition.

Btw my children always wrote thank you notes and still do although I have told them that a text is acceptable.

Sadly a sign of the times and as mentioned families appear to be insular.

As the old adage - you don't give to receive. Isn't there something about the joy in giving?

As my father always said it costs nothing to say thank you but can gain a lot.

I am always invited to my son's Christmas Day celebrations when the whole family has a lovely dinner and then exchange gifs. I usually give the 2 grandchildren £100 each in cash and the older two who are working something like theatre tickets or a voucher for a day out somewhere. I have never given pocket money as I think that's a parent's job.
This year I received small gifts from the grandkids such as hand cream, chocs, etc. The joy is in seeing them all at Christmas, not in the gifts. I have never received a thank you message from anyone, but this also applies to friends I give small gifts to. I am sorry to say I don't send thank you notes to anyone either as we all say it at the time. I think its a lost art. Having a family and friends is wonderful, and so many are not that lucky.

I'm surprised you felt it appropriate to ask for more gifts from your grandchildren. After all they did give you gifts from what you have said, albeit from the family as a whole rather than individually. I can't say I'm surprised at your daughter's reaction; I think I would feel the same if my mother did this to my children. Seems a bit cheeky and ungrateful for what you did get to me. But each to their own, we all see things differently after all.

Houseseller, I still remember the year I got a birthday card from both my children. Dunno if it will ever happen again.

One of the things I have noticed about GNs is the enormous importance placed on cards and gifts and particular expectations of reciprocation and response not just with grandchildren but friends and other family. I don't know whether this is a cultural issue or a generational one or part of many other issues all tangled up. I am Australian but my cultural background is entirely British but now in the context of an international family I am also a Nonna and Bestemor and things are not always so straightforward and I have had to rethink many things.

I do wonder about those Grans who are still giving teenage grandchildren 'pocket money' and the high emotional investments in these 'gifts' and the anticipated responses which so often seem to result in disappointment and hurt. Is this really just what used to be called cupboard love?

Surely the most important thing is that you have regular contact and shared love and respect with your adult children and grandchildren whatever their age. When we give a gift it is a gift from the heart because we can, not something for which we expect a particular return. This view does not in any way condone exploitative relationships.

I do think that sometimes we need to review our expectations and concentrate on the good things not the things that didn't turn out the way we expected. I do my best to always have an open heart and an open door. Pretty much like life in general. Just some thoughts from abroad.

I think you should be grateful for what you receive not hanker after more. How will you feel next year when the presents are only being sent because you asked for them?

My sympathies here. Our daughter married a widower 25 years ago....he had two small children and there are no children from daughter’s marriage. We accepted these happily into our family and treated them like grandchildren. Holidays abroad paid for, treats, Christmas and birthday presents, and in recent years, healthy cheques for their weddings! Our birthdays are never remembered although we may get a Christmas card and joint present of Yankee candles, mugs, or a food item. Should we continue to send cheques in their birthday cards? Oh, and don’t mention ever getting a ‘thank you’ email, call or text! That’s obviously not on their to-do lists!

You have done your Grandchildren a favour pulling them up on this. I hope you feel a bit better now. I love my little Grandaughter and I hope she doesn't get thoughtless as she gets older.

I’m not sure why you thought it was okay to comment on not receiving a Christmas present, but hey ho , everyone has a different thinking on present giving. However, I think your Daughter was way off the mark in her vicious/rude comments, especially as you have helped with the caring of your Granddaughters. Perhaps she needs a little reminder.

Am going to be a bit frank, please don’t take it amiss but ..... I can’t imagine asking anyone for a present, ever - except from my husband, where we both have developed a pragmatic way of present giving!

As for writing and asking adult grandchildren for a present, again I don’t think I would. I might possibly, when the grandchildren are older possibly mention it, but to write and ask?

I also don’t understand why you are stopping pocket money over this, as your grandchildren apologised and it’s your daughter who has upset you.

Sorry to be so frank, but .... ! ?

I know how you feel Lemonlegs. I have done the same over the years my eldest Granddaughter now being 28. I have 5 grandchildren and this year first time ever I received presents from all of them. It made my day.

I sympathise with Lemonlegs. I think even a card which had been bought and written by her adult grandchildren would have been warmly received, and it seems that the GC realised this but the mother just doesn't want any criticism, however gentle, of her children and that us her failing. She should have taught them better.
I'm very lucky with my two adult granddaughters, who, completely off their own bat always give me a card and small gift. Totally different with adult grandson who doesn't even remember to send a thank you text for gifts given to him.
There have been a few rumblings amongst other relatives so he may find he gets nothing next year!

I was taught, give freely with no strings attached. I give time money and love to who I want to, willingly and expect nothing in return. I don't expect anything so I'm not dissapointed, though it is nice to get thanks. Life is too short to let nonsense like this get in the way of friendships or family relationships.

I think YABVU to put pressure on your dgc to buy you a present and I am not surprised your dd was unhappy.
You say dgc were very gracious in their reply, but frankly you left them with no other option than to apologise and promise they will buy a present next time.
Just doesn’t sit well with me asking someone to buy you a present!!

Hold on Lemonlegs - it was your DD who wrote the sniffy letter, not the GCs. Why withhold the GC's pocket money because of something your daughter did. Around late November this year, find some subtle way to gently remind the GCs about the little gifts you discussed, (a year is a long time to the young) and go on giving pocket money unless or until xmas comes and you get nothing from them again. Then you can decide.

To be honest I wouldn't want my Grandchildren wasting their money on me. As for giving to them, I would rather spend on them now when I can see the pleasure/ help it brings then leaving it until I'm gone!

I never expect or look for thanks for anything. Nice when it happens but I don't give a fig really and it would certainly have no bearing on future giving. I just give what I want when I want and sometimes seek a little guidance on what's 'new' or 'needed'. I do appreciate a mention that cash has been received via a bank but that's because I have little or no faith in banks.

Hi all - unfortunately, we have to come to terms with the fact that we live in, on the whole, a very self-focused society, for which we have to thank Margaret Thatcher and all the policies that filtered down from her ideology into family life e.g. 'no such thing as society'. How many elderly parents are shoved into homes to decay quietly? How often do you see a kid give up their seat for an older person (or a pregnant or disabled one)? It happens, but it is comparatively rare. I have no children of my own, but I am a step-grandma. Of my two step children, the boy (nearly 30) never sends me a birthday card, even, and the girl cut me out of anything to do with her wedding (e.g. sharing details of what was going to happen - like style of wedding dress etc) other than attending like any other guest. This is despite having had an amicable, even loving (when they weren't throwing hissy fits) relationship while they were growing up - and despite poison being dripped in their ears by their mother. I was very generous to my godchildren until they reached their teens and stopped bothering to say thank you for gifts. I kept going for a while and then just stopped the gifts. And, I would respectfully suggest, that if you feel snubbed by grandchildren's failure to thank you, you do the same rather than storing up the hurt and resentment. Yes, giving should be unconditional, but in a close relationship, respect and affection should play its part on both sides. BTW - husband and I gave a Christmas gift to stepson's live-in girlfriend for which she never thanked us. Looks like they're going to get married. We haven't said a word, not even 'did she like it?'. How do you sort that one?

You were in the right but your daughter will be taking it as criticism of her parenting.

Perhaps the thing to do is not to expect a present from grown up grandchildren but also to stop subsidising them and row back on the cash value of your gifts to them. Let it all naturally subside into goodwill and good wishes which cost nothing but which are genuine and heartfelt.

My DD always buys her grandmother thoughtful presents for birthday, Christmas and Mother's Day but my son doesn't remember and we buy a tin of chox or bikkies 'from' him. Grandma still favours the grandson over the five lovely and thoughtful grand daughters in a monumental act of ingratitude.

It is what it is. Some people are good and kind and others are intelligent and sensitive enough to appreciate it and some are not so bright and insensitive. There is no point in getting yourself upset about ingratitude as the worst people make the most trouble and fuss when they are 'called' on their thanklessness and there is no point is starting family rows.

Never expect people to behave as you expect them to behave. They usually don't.
Gifts freely given with happy thoughts and love, should not have strings attached.
I would never remonstrate with family or even friends, not even obliquely, if a reciprocal gift was not received.
What I do do if it's a long standing omission, is to withdraw some of my generosity in whatever way will be noticed...eventually.
Times change and not always for the better.

When I was young - in amongst my Christmas presents I always received a pack of thankyou cards - and so became used to taking note of who gave what, and personally thanking them. I think this practice could be usefully carried on to children today - who quite often receive so many presents with sometimes only a cursory acknowledgement of who they came from...