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Grandparenting

Grandchildren and Christmas gifts

(148 Posts)
Lemonlegs13 Mon 04-Feb-19 17:39:20

Grandchildren not reciprocating Christmas/birthday gifts.

I sent my two grown up DGD’s a gently worded message after Christmas saying it would have made my Christmas to have received a small gift from them, knowing they’d chosen it, wrapped it up themselves and written a label, and that I was sad that they hadn’t.
They were very gracious in their reply, apologising and saying they would do that next year instead of having their names added to the gifts I received from their parents.
Unfortunately my DD took exception and I received some very haughty messages from her telling me I should be grateful for what I did receive and not what I didn’t, and that ‘they’re all I’ve got’, and ‘after all we do for you’ etc etc.
Short memories obviously, they had free childcare for two years when my daughter went back to work and both girls - now 18 and 21- have received lots of pocket money over the years.
I’m on my own now with a low income and am shocked by my daughter -and SIL’s - reaction.
Needless to say I won’t be giving anymore pocket money and I now know how they regard me.
I hear similar from some of my friends who say this is standard behaviour now.
I did remind my daughter that she and her brother used to enjoy giving their own gifts to my parents - hopefully she’ll reflect on that but I won’t hold my breath!

sodapop Mon 04-Feb-19 18:06:02

Probably a knee jerk reaction to being in the wrong Lemonlegs it does seem that such small gestures which are important to us are not considered by some adult children.

ClareAB Mon 04-Feb-19 18:25:24

I do sympathise. I without fail send cards and transfer cash (at their request via their mum) to my 2 nephews every Christmas and birthday. They're 15 and 18 now and not once have they acknowledged their gift. It's like it disappears into a black hole.

I don't want them to buy me a gift, I'd just like a thank you! I very nearly said something this year. But, for the sake of family harmony I didn't. It does grate somewhat though...

Tartlet Mon 04-Feb-19 18:55:16

I can’t imagine ever asking someone for a present, no matter how gently worded. Or telling someone that I felt sad because they hadn’t sent me a present. I think the only presents worth having are those which are given freely.

I’m not sure why the OP is withdrawing pocket money from her granddaughters given her description of their replies.

Gonegirl Mon 04-Feb-19 19:00:25

Me too! In fact, I had a bit of a barney with DD when she was telling me how elder GS, now doing weekend work, had brought presents for them all. I ask he couldn't have bought just a little something for me. DD was amazed, until I pointed out how I pay pocket money into their accounts, fill their Isla's each year, pay for school trips and God knows what else. She was quite put out. In fact, I think there was a little bit of "going no-contact" for a while after Xmas, until I told her to not be so daft. (I was ^not going to let happen^)
(sodding Mmsnet hmm)

Today 's families are insular. They don't think outside their own little group.

Gonegirl Mon 04-Feb-19 19:01:51

I should have previewed. Isa's not Isla's.

Gonegirl Mon 04-Feb-19 19:02:19

Oh, and we take them on holiday.

Gonegirl Mon 04-Feb-19 19:04:00

I think children should be brought up to think of others, starting with their Granny and Grandad. And Nannie because I don't suppose she got anything either.

Gonegirl Mon 04-Feb-19 19:05:23

Sorry about the rant. I think I must have been bottling that up. 😅

Gonegirl Mon 04-Feb-19 19:08:11

I hope I haven't killed this thread. blush

BlueBelle Mon 04-Feb-19 19:36:14

I would never ever ask for a present off anyone and actually think it’s pretty poor to make grandkids feel guilty because they haven’t bought you one At 18 and 21 I doubt you would still be giving pocket money. two of my grandkids give me cards and small presents although not sure that ll continue when they are not at home (it might but I m not expecting it to They re funny when my grandson went over seas with the scouts he completely lost his mums present and mine was a bit strange, he thought he’d bought me a thin leather necklace but he’d bought me a string that your glasses go on 😂😂😂 but he tried. My others who live away just piggy back on their mum and dads cards and presents
It is what it is I don’t lose sleep over it and I don’t give to them in expectation of getting it back
Kids are naturally self centred

merlotgran Mon 04-Feb-19 19:39:30

I don't give our adult DGCs pocket money, especially at 18 and 21 which are the ages of the two DGSs who live next door. I think your DGC's reply to you was considerate though and it's good that they realise your feelings were hurt.

Don't worry too much about your DD's reaction. They don't like it when they discover they've been by-passed.

They say that grannies and their grandchildren have a common enemy......The mother! grin

merlotgran Mon 04-Feb-19 19:43:28

Having said that, I was touched that both my DDs gave their children a nudge to send us facebook messages on Christmas morning.

This was to buck us up because we were feeling a bit down due to a family problem elsewhere which is not of our making but we've been caught in the crossfire.

Familes, eh?

Lemonlegs13 Mon 04-Feb-19 20:39:43

Interesting range of responses....
In my case it was a pity my DD and SIL intervened and made a mountain out of a molehill.
At 18 and 21 my DGD’s are grown women and their response to me should have been left there, end of story.
We’ll see what happens!

Gonegirl Mon 04-Feb-19 20:40:14

"Kids are naturally self centred". Yes, maybe. But isn't that what bringing them up is all about?

Gonegirl Mon 04-Feb-19 20:42:48

Mums do protect their sons. You take your life in your hands if you let any little bit of criticism through to my DD about her boys. And I'm the same with mine. Even now. 😅

Lily65 Mon 04-Feb-19 20:46:44

I don't wish to be unkind, but maybe consider what is going on for you that means the lack of a small gift at Christmas has caused this upset?

Lemonlegs13 Mon 04-Feb-19 21:12:34

Nothing ‘going on for me’ that caused this upset at all!!
Pure thoughtlessness on their part and being self absorbed.
But I’m wiser now and finding the range of responses interesting without getting personal.....wink

Lily65 Mon 04-Feb-19 21:28:40

OK sorry.

Momof3 Mon 04-Feb-19 23:31:58

What’s mumsnet got to do with it?

MissAdventure Mon 04-Feb-19 23:56:38

I think because mumsnet members are more for going 'no contact'.
Maybe a generational thing?

muffinthemoo Tue 05-Feb-19 00:57:23

I would have been ashamed to take a gift from my grandmother at 18, let alone at 21.

Perhaps this should be the last round of granny handouts for these young adults.

stella1949 Tue 05-Feb-19 03:53:44

I'm amazed that you've been giving them pocket money at 18 and 21 . I've never even thought of giving my GC pocket money - that's for their parents to do.

As for gifts, mine send cards for me at birthdays and Christmas and that's perfectly fine with me. I can't imagine writing to them and asking for a gift. I guess every family is different.

BradfordLass72 Tue 05-Feb-19 06:02:41

In their 18 & 21 years, have they ever given you a gift? Is this the first year they've forgotten you?

If this has been a regular thing as they grew up, then it's become normal.

If they'd asked their parents if a gift for granny was appropriate, it may well be they were told, 'It's all right, we put all our names on gifts, so don't bother.'
With no one realising how upset this has made you - until you pointed it out.

I hope this resolves without further problems.

TwiceAsNice Tue 05-Feb-19 06:17:41

My grandaughters are 9. I always have a Christmas present from them which I know at the moment my daughter pays for but they are delighted to give it me on Christmas morning. I’m lucky enough to live very nearby so always spend Christmas Day with them . I’m hoooong that when they are older the example they’ve been given means they’ll continue as they get older maybe at some point buying with their own money. I don’t give them regular pocket money but put money and chocolate in an ascent calendar for them every year and buy them gifts throughout the year