Not living near daughter

Something I read on GN a while ago came to mind today:

Some people are drains and some people are radiators.

silvercat is draining joy from her daughter's first pregnancy with her self-absorption and how this will all affect her instead of radiating love and joy to her daughter and making plans to see them all as often as she can.

It was quite insensitive of the dad to say that.

Paddyann If there was any suggestion that the other gran will be doing regular childcare, then of course her needs would have to be taken into consideration. But there is no indication of that.

''The loss compares well with grieving for someone we loved and lost''. Reading and concentrating on part of what was said and not all of it is problematic, isn't it?! And that's what happened here. I went on to say that "It felt so true to me'' which was missed by some of you. Concentrating on part of what was said and meant can give a different impression and that's what happened here. Pulling out just a bit out of what was said and getting emotional about it or putting it down to a difference of opinion isn't helpful. It's about how well that difference of opinion is expressed, in a kind and mindful way or in a harsh and unpleasant way.

The reality of those suffering from anxiety and depression differs from the reality out there in the real world held by what is considered 'normal'. What's considered as a 'small' pain or loss or event or just a thought by those not suffering from anxiety and depression may look as big as a catastrophe, and these are the sort of things that mental health professionals recognise and treat until the patient's reality becomes closer to the reality out there in the world. The realities considered as 'normal' because most of us see it that way. What's seen and considered as normal, reasonable, natural, understandable, sensible, a fact of life ... to you and me, the 'normal' people often doesn't appear so to those with anxiety and depression. our responses and reaction to them can make a world of difference to them. That can be the key to their recovery or making it worse. If only a mental health of this kind could be as visible as any physical health problems like a broken leg or a tumour! How differently many of us would react to it! But it isn't and that causes the person with anxiety and depression not seen, understood, and even more sad, lonely, useless, isolated, unimportant, ... Then they may feel so irrelevant to the lives of others that they may conclude that no one would miss them if they weren't there. To stop further pain and hurt to themselves, they may walk away. This is not out of selfishness but out of our natural self preservation for survival and desperation. They need TLC and not a stick, just like our grand kids when they wake up in the middle of the night screaming that there's a monster in the room! We know there isn't but we empathise and help them. Just because we grow old and grey doesn't mean we can be free of monsters! Only their shapes are different.

I do not know silvercat to say she's a nasty, selfish, ... person or not! Just because I may have been successful in some areas of my dealings with life challenges doesn't mean the same formula would sound applicable to her in a similar situation. I'd offer what worked for me and leave it to them to see if it can be applicable to them or not. I would not judge her, or be harsh in my treatment of her. I wouldn't compete over which pain's greater than another either because everything's relevant and our reactions to various pains are different too. Neither do I believe that others have to suffer my challenges in life including my anxiety and depression in the past to be qualified to say they can understand what it's like or vice versa. Empathy is a gift so many humans do have.

If you're looking, silvercat, please check if you're suffering from anxiety and depression. Something like %20 of adults in the UK suffer depression sometime in their lives. I found the following link for you and anyone interested to see how big this problem is:-

www.telegraph.co.uk/news/nhs/12101811/Almost-half-of-adults-have-suffered-mental-illness-NHS-stats-suggest.html

Do you not realise you are all arguing and trying to help someone who walked away as soon as she realised it wasn’t going completely her way and that’s exactly what she’s planning to do with her grandchild .
There are six pages of advice and Silvercat went after the first page
Your loss Silvercat your grandchild could have two great grandmas but your jealously is leaving her with one and then you can blame it all on your daughter can’t you ?

NaheedThis is a great forum with many kind people who genuinely try to help. There are no bullies just people with a different experience and viewpoint.

Such aggression! You know nothing about me to judge me. Our sufferings doesn't give us a licence to defend our sufferings against those whose sufferings are different from ours. Everything's relevant. Some people suffer and allow it to harden them towards others whose sufferings are judged as less. That, I've learnt not to be like that. Anyone's pain is a pain in its own right and to make it understood different people can liken it what it may feel like to them. Being defensive, judgemental and aggressive doesn't help anyone who needs help. I stand by what I've said. I will not be bullied or get into any discussions with bullies or aggressive individuals, and I will remove myself from the company of such people.

Ihad the same problem when my kids ended up so far away from me. I felt I'd lost them and they didn't care. The loss compares well with grieving for someone we loved and lost

I can only think you have never lost a child Naheed or your husband.
If I am wrong, I apologise, but like others here I have suffered both bereavements and there is no comparison with a move to the Isle of Man!

The loss compares well with grieving for someone we loved and lost.
No it doesn't.

If the OP is suffering from depression then of course she needs to see her GP but she is getting herself wound up and looking on the negative side of it all.

gonegirl what would you suggest she said to her husband when he asked about the pram being too heavy for his mother? Maybe the granny who lives near is the one who will do child care when the mother goes back to work so the weight of the pram is relevant .Or shouldn't she be taking the baby out as she's ONLY the parental GM?

No, do not diminish real loss with this nonsense.

I feel sad for the OP but a trip to the GP and a dose of common sense will help.
Nothing like losing a child.

MissAdventure nothing can comparewith losing a child!

Lets hope it is depression and that she can be helped. It seemed to me that it is her relationship to her daughter that's the real trouble. She was looking to a new GC as a chance to get back on to good terms and this does often happen.

It seems the D has got close to ther MIL and that too can happen. My brother's wife loved my mother more than her own probably because my mother was easy peasy and accepted life as it came and made the best of it.
GN has provided so much good advice. I hope silver comes round to taking it.

Hmmm..
Compares to the grief of losing a child?
Pray you never find out is all I can say to that.

Depression could be your problem, silvercat! Please, do go and see your GP. One of its symptoms is having difficulties in your home and family life. Your loved ones are too far away from you and that's hurting you real bad. I had the same problem when my kids ended up so far away from me. I felt I'd lost them and they didn't care. The loss compares well with grieving for someone we loved and lost. It felt so true to me. I was feeling awful while others dismissed it and me instead of being understanding, compassionate and helpful. I read so many articles on 'psychology today', an on line magazine, before I realised that I may be suffering from anxiety and depression. I saw my GP and was treated for both. Here is the link to 'psychology today where you can read articles on anxiety and depression:-

www.psychologytoday.com/gb

I was feeling awful while others dismissed it and me instead of being understanding, compassionate and helpful.

www.nhs.uk/conditions/clinical-depression/symptoms/

Best wishes

'Be careful what you say - once said it cannot be unsaid' is precisely why I suggested a letter.
but it is still said, whether verbally or in writing.

Perhaps writing it all down, as the OP has done here, but by hand - then shredding it could help!

Otherwise, I think that trying to work out some positive ways to achieve a good relationship - and write them in a list - is the best way forward.

We live near our grandchildren and see them often. Both other sets of grandparents live further away, but in this country, so see them less often. We are on good terms with all the in-laws and have had holidays together. We each have our individual and special relationships with the children, and love them very much, which is the important thing. I hope things work out when the baby is actually here.

You could try turning your thinking around a bit. My experience is that much loved MIL's tend to be perfect until a baby is born. Then, all of a sudden, she becomes the target of all that's wrong with the world. The absent parent then becomes the more 'go to' parent. Then, as you seem to have made this a competition, you win.
Is there any point in telling your DD how you feel? She can't do anything about it. Do you not think that if you have been a supportive Mum she will already be aware of the fact that the person she would have leaned upon can't be there? She is making the best of what she has and you can only do the same.
It seems to me that your very understandable sadness about being so far from your Grandchild is beginning to become an unhealthy catastrophisation in your mindset so this might be the time to get help from Time to Talk or similar. The way you play this is key to your future relationship with your daughter and your Grandchild. They are not ideal circumstances so grab everything positive you can from them and you will feel so much happier.

'Be careful what you say - once said it cannot be unsaid' is precisely why I suggested a letter. And written in a kind way, no nasty jibes, no 'woe is me' prevalent in the letter, it might be a way to get across how she is feeling in a measured way. It's not the way some would go, and believe me,I have been on the receiving end of really nasty letters from my first dragon-in-law to know how hurtful the written word can be, especially when intended to hurt. On the other hand, some letters made me think about the other person's point of view which I maybe hadn't considered before. It's a difficult situation and I feel sorry for her, having hoped for constructive help and in some cases brought out the worst in some women, as has been said.

Dear GNers - it's clear that the OP has simply thrown her dummy out of the pram and gone off in a huff. That seems to be her preferred way of dealing with things that don't go her way. No point in posting further with advice.

My granny lived 250 miles away. I was sent to stay with her for a week or so in the summer school holidays and she visited at Christmas and I think at other times. I loved her very much and the distance and infrequency of visits did not seem to matter. I knew she loved me too.
It seems odd to me that you are so jealous, to the extent of “walking away” before the baby has even been born, your poor daughter will find that very stressful.

Hi silvercatuk
When I was growing up my dad's mum lived nearby and we saw her a fair bit .But my mum's dad lived in Dublin and came over twice a year the excitement was HUGE ! We loved grandad with a passion and couldn't wait to see him . So I don't think distance will lessen the baby's love for you when old enough to know you .My DD lived with her Mil for a year and I felt pushed out for a while then I realised when we did get together how much we enjoyed it .Hope you find a resolution that works for you x

be happy that you are a grandparent. you can telephone/Skype/mobile video.. start saving for the next trip to isle of man in the summer. you can send your grandchild photos of you and little gifts. maybe she will come and stay with you when she's older.....I was like that with my inlaws .then it got to a point where I was grateful for them being there for my daughter. yes it did hurt. even now they have moved away.there is still some friction .as the gc spend ALL their bdays with the inlaws....but it isn't going to change .I voiced my opinions and got really upset. but it didn't change anything .your daughter has a voice and a husband I believe .surely she will voice her opinions to if the mil is being a bit over the top.have you talked to your daughter about this.

Skype isn't perfect but it's surprising how much you can bond over it and keep in touch even when the children are babies. My gc were born in another country , we had regular photos and messages about them and we Skype regularly , the children recognised us. We also sent regular letters, small gifts etc and we definitely felt close to them . Now my go live near us but away from their othet grandparents who they see about twice a year at the most. But Skype regularly and get letters, parcels from them etc. They have a lovely relationship with them.
I would try not to worry about the MiLs relationship with the GC but instead on focus on your relationship and how you can support your daughter via whatsapp, text, phone Skype etc.

Good luck

notanan2 I agree! It is a shame that the OP seems unable to hear much of the wisdom expressed on here and has apparently disappeared!