Not living near daughter

It is always the case that the grandparents who live the nearest are the ones who see the most of the GC - simple fact.

You could choose to move nearer; but I still think that you would find it very hard to avoid the "granny wars" as this seems to be very entrenched in your mind.

I think you will find that there are many many posters here who have GC a distance away - they do find ways of managing, but they are doing it with a good heart and that is why they make it work. You seem filled with resentment towards your DD and her MIL - I di think that needs to be put on one side before you can resolve this problem.

Talking to your DD would be fine if it was done in the right spirit and not in a spirit of resentment. It would be a shame to spoil her joy in this happy event by loading her with your resentments.

I could easily feel resentful to my DD3's MIL - she is fitter and younger than I and not burdened with a carer role at home - so the children do lots of outings and outdoor trips with her. Rather than feeling jealous, I make sure that when they see me we do other sorts of interesting things - art, craft, cooking and lots of reading.

We can all find reasons to resent others' good fortune - but what is the point? Who gains?

Sorry OP but you are pretty determined to make this all about you. Jeez.
You sound high maintenance.

It would be natural to feel jealous of the other grannie, but as others have said, it is a situation you have no control over. All you can do is Facetime/Skype, send lots of pictures and little letters, even from an early age, so you get imprinted on her mind. Of course, you have no control over whether or not she sees them, and again, this means you simply have to hope your daughter will understand how you feel and make sure to have photos of you around. I know you think nobody on here understands, but rest assured, some of us do. I haven't seen my granddaughters, now aged 11 and 6, at all. Their other grandmother is a great influence on them I am sure. It did bother me, green with envy, angry etc, all those emotions I am sure you are feeling now. But as the situation isn't one that can ever be changed I came to realise there was no point in making myself feel ill and sad. And so gradually, over time, I let go of it all, son included. At least you have a relationship with your daughter, be grateful for small mercies and the glimmer of hope of some relationship with the child when it is older.

Your relationship with your daughter and her baby will always be special. Mother in laws are never be the same.

Ok, you may not be able to be hands on on such a regular basis, but when you do visit it will a bigger, happy, occasion. (She will probably wish she could see a bit less of her mil).

I do plan on telling my daughter how I feel just what every mum to be/new mum wants/needs!

You sound determined to make this a problem to prove yourself right!

Yes the MIL will have more say and influence if she is the one doing more helping. It is very telling that you dont see the benefit to your daughter of having involved ILs!

If you make this all about you you WILL be pushed out and will have yourself, not the distance to blame!

There are LOADS of benefits of being "far away nannie". You get to be "good cop" and swoop in with treats during the fun school holidays. "Near nannie" had to be bad cop, maybe making them behave on the school run and do their homework etc. But it probably wont work out that way for you since you dont sound inclined to make it work, because if it worked it wouldnt be all you!

I do feel sorry for the op as I have felt that as my opposite numbers grandparents Live a few hours train ride away from DD1 , have a lovely home in a beautiful city, a wonderful holiday home in a desirable place and the ability to drop everything and help out. I am also very grateful that they can do this as DD1 is the breadwinner while their son is setting up a business and is struggling. I also have a DH who doesn't want to help out unless we really have to. Op try to remember that your daughter is no Longer your daughter first- she is a wife first and soon a mother first. We have to accept third place and her mil is probably fourth place whatever you think. Squash the green eyed monster.

If this is having such a devastating effect on you, the only way that this can be resolved is for you to move to the Isle of Man as well. Then you would see your grandchild regularly and as often as the other grandmother. This is obviously very important to you and therefore this would be the way forward.

I suspect she is long gone! I have to say that, for those on limited budget, £100 isn’t a cheap airfare.

Poor OP, you have had a bit of a telling off on here.

Come back and tell us your thoughts.

No, you are probably quite right: we don't understand, because to us you are creating a situation in your mind that may never come to pass.

It is entirely up to you what kind of relationship you have with your family, both the coming baby and your daughter and son-in-law. Letting your jealousy of your daughter's MIL get the better of you will only do harm.

How do you know that your daughter isn't letting her MIL's advice go in one ear and out the other? It's what most of us did after all.

Nowadays, all young mothers and their mothers seem to use facebook, Skype or facetime all the time, so you have these ways of getting to know you grandchild.

Will it really do the baby any harm, if his mother follows her mother-in-law's advice? Is your SIL not a healthy adult?

Please try to get this in perspective: the coming child is his father's mother's grandchild as much as he is yours. Try to get on good terms with your DD Mil so you can share the joys of grandparenting.

If any of us needed lessons on how NOT to do relationships, the OP surely takes the biscuit!

How much easier would it have been for me if it had been the IOM and not Oz ? Both financial and distance-wise.

Air fares to the IOM aren't expensive and from Liverpool it only takes half an hour to 35mins.

Could you go as a foot passenger to the Isle of Man. Much cheaper than taking the car. It's a small island so someone could meet you from the ferry. Or what about flying? The important think is to visit as often as you can afford it.

My son and his wife moved to live in the same town as the DiL's family - and a long way from us - when our grandson was about 18 months old.My grand daughter was born there.

As soon as she was ablt to understand the idea of talking to someone of Facetime/Skype, she used to beam widely when my son said 'It's granny!' and kiss the screen!

I was astonished that she seemed to know who I was, but she clearly did identofy me as a special person.

We can't get to see them in person very often, but we've been for a week's holiday with them every summer, and I really don't think the grandchildren could love us any more.

Of course, I do sometimes feel jealous that 'the other granny' can babysit and child mind so often, but I'm also glad for my son and DiL that they have her support.

Please don't 'walk away'- my guess is that you will find it works out a lot better than you fear.

Make off-season visits at no more than £140 return.

I couldn’t find a ferry price as high as £250 but in-season prices do seem to approach £200.

We are preparing ourselves (saving) for transatlantic trips to see our son and his new baby in the USA. But we will travel midweek and avoid the busy summer months.

We plan to save enough for 2 or 3 two-week visits per year.

Good luck.

Silvercatuk, you are getting worked up for nothing. My 2 toddler grand children see more of the other 2 grandmas, ( my ex husband has remarried), because they help with the nursery runs etc. I still see them at weekends and they are happy to see me and vice versa. This is not a competition. Ofcourse, distance is a barrier to relationship, but not to love. You all love each other, that's the main thing. As others have suggested, skyping etc is the solution. Go with the flow...you are just having Nannyblues.

Return flights are as cheap as £47-64 on Easy jet on Thursdays returning a week later.

PS. I used Eastbourne as an example it being far away from the Northern ferry ports. We aren't told where the OP lives so train fares to the ports could be much cheaper.

A quick search shows that for a visit mid April it would cost £42 return for foot passenger on ferry to Douglas from Liverpool.
Train from Eastbourne to Liverpool Lime Street in time to catch ferry would cost £58 return with a railcard. Railcards can be bought with Tesco vouchers. I bought mine that way.
The total cost is £100 (railcard not included in cost as it's valid for 12 months)
That's a whole £150 saving.
I have worked in the IoM and travelled back and forth many times to see my children, both by air and sea (as a foot passenger) so I know there are cheap ways of doing the journey.

I can't believe how unreasonable the OP is being. No matter what anyone says to try to help she can't see beyond her own mindset, so in effect it's a self fulfilling prophecy. She's already decided how her Daughter will react to any conversation regarding her feelings about the situation, there's clearly no open mind here. We don't agree with her or support her actions because apparently none of us understand yet we have Grandmothers here that run the whole gamut of experiences, we all say pretty much the same thing and yet we don't understand. We certainly do understand the situation but what we fail to comprehend is her attitude and we thought she was asking for advice but she's asking for validation.
When I was a kid I saw my mum's mum every day as she lived in the same block of flats as us, I saw my dad's mum maybe once a year as she lived the other side of London. I loved my dad's mum and looked forward to seeing her not the case with my mum's mum. OP have you not heard the phrase familiarity breeds contempt oh and absence makes the heart grow fonder. They are frequently quoted as fact just as often as out of sight out of mind and they all have an element of truth in them. We can all choose to believe what we choose to and I'm guessing you are a glass half empty person rather than a half full one. The choice is yours you can cut your daughter out of your life to save you pain in the future if you want but how will cutting off your daughter improve your life? To me that is a mystery as I really can't imagine life without my kids. One of whom has caused me all kinds of grief over the years but I still couldn't cut him out of my life because it's not all about me.

Your daughter is at the exciting stage of her life of having her first child and you are talking of walking away from the situation. You can't really expect sympathy. It is not about you and the MIL. What does your daughter need from you? What can you do to help her?
You want to ring her and talk to her about the problems that you have decided are going to arise. I would brush that conversation under the table too if I were her.
When I was young we called our grandparents 'nana a long way' and 'nana a little way'. We spent summer holidays with the first and visited the latter every Sunday. I preferred our nearby gran as she treated us equally and gave me half a crown (with a whispered 'don't tell your dad' which really appealed to me). My other grandparents had bought into my father's view that my sister was the better child so although I enjoyed a lot of my time there and visited reasonably often as an adult, I had unhappy moments there which I didn't with our other grandparents. The point being that distance and the breakdown of the time didn't factor into our relationship with them.
I think that you need to examine your own negativity as it cause your worries to become a self fulfilling prophesy. You say that no one here understands your point of view. I think it is just that we don't understand the merits of it.

silver, could you develop your own interests and life? Do you have a partner and friends or a job?

silvercatuk
I think you need a good talking to. You don't own your daughter. You knew when she married that she would be living in the IoM but the arrival of a GC has put your nose out of joint.
Is your love only finite? Only dependent on your daughter living within arms reach and you being the only important grandmother in the baby's life?
I think you need a reality check. Talk about stamping your foot and having a tantrum, I thought you were an adult.

I cNt believe you plan to deny your new little grandchild a grandma and your daughter the support of her mum just because you are sulking. Sorry, but I'm not surprised they haven't included you in the group chat.

I'm afraid as soon as I read " the inlaws" I sensed this wouldn't go well.

Its not a competition. Your daughter is expecting a baby, how does she feel, is she well, is she tired? Will the baby be OK? These would be my concerns.

Presumably they may be able to travel at some point and you could meet up?