What would you do in this Situation - Giving out Info.

If I was the DIL, I would be annoyed by what is essentially junk mail from my MILs friend.

????????????????

Exactly Jane it’s easy to find an address, in fact considering the unsolicited rubbish that comes through the door, almost the whole world has your address.

Apologise for giving it out without checking. Say you will not do that again. Its just not worth getting into an argument about. She/they are entitled to their view!

You expressed wider worries about your son's relationship etc but they are not relevant to this specific issue; your ILs/sons view of your action is the issue on this occasion and from their perspective you got it wrong about their address!

Prioritise your wider relationship with them, not this one incident

A lot of people are missing the bigger picture here. From the OP it doesn't seem like this " very controlling young woman," did any of this behind her partners back. Again if the "curt message," was sent to her with the knowledge and consent of her very own son, then everything else including the timeline in years, his previous consent etc., now becomes completely irrelevant - for his consent only means that he's on his partners side and is agreeing with her stance (and NOT yours) in all of this. This unfortunately places you are on the loosing end.

You're 20+ year friendship vs, a relationship with your son and grandchild, which is most important to you? - pick your priorities wisely.
A simple and genuine apology won't kill you for from your post it seems that you resent his partner for spending time with her family. Don't pick a fight with the mother of his children, it'll most likely work against you. Also, when you find yourself in a position where you're fighting more and more with your sons immediate family, as opposed to playing a loving and supportive role, (as expected of a grandparent) then you need to step back and reflect on your overall expectations as a grandparent.

I'm curious to know what your sons response was when you told him how upset you were. Not sure why people get into power struggles over such issues. It is so hard to RESPECT other people? If you insist on having your way, what will you do when they move again and don't provide you with their new address? As it is you already revealed that none of your relatives even have their address, which comes across as a red flag on your side. If you don't voluntarily leave them alone, they will take measures to make you leave them alone. Let go of your anger and reevaluate your approach before they do it for you.

Don't know if anyone has picked up on the fact that the partner has complained 5years LATER.
A little odd, and controlling.

Your MIL sounds like a one off OutsideDave!!

Why wouldn’t she go direct to the source of the concern?

So who’s concerned? Not the son, who’s agreed that he wants his address passing on to this family friend. The only one “concerned” is the son’s partner, who apparently has the final say as to who sends a birthday card to him. He’s an adult, not a child, and can decide that for himself.

Data protection

I’m going against the flow here.

I can’t see anything sinister about giving out someone’s postal address, as opposed to their email or phone number.
Until recently, you could find anyone’s postal address via the telephone directory.

I’ve often asked my friends for their DCs’ addresses, for the purposes of sending a Christmas card or a Congratulations on your New Baby card.

And I’ve often given my DCs’ addresses to my friends, for similar purposes.

So OP, yes I think your DiL overreacted. Perhaps she’s hung up on data provision and ‘privacy’.
But don’t make things worse by getting all defensive.
It’s possible to apologise for upsetting someone, without apologising for, or implying, that you were in the wrong.

Because it’s his mum giving out the information, not her partner. Why wouldn’t she go direct to the source of the concern? My DH was included in all manner of church directories And prayer chains without his permission via his mum. He’d constantly receive solicitations from all sorts of people- for money for missions, for job seeking assistance, and solicitations to buy from their Christian business. He didn’t want this garbage choking his virtual and actual mailboxes, but it never occurred to him to tell his domineering mum to knock it off. When we moved in together, and he changed addresses, I did mention to my MIL that we’d appreciate not being added to the church directory and DH would make sure his friends had his updated mailing address. Whenever he visits they make a big show of giving him his mail from the church folks who ‘don’t have his address’ and he makes a big show of dumping it immediately in the bin.

Especially when he has lost contact with all his friends from school days and has no friends where he lives now, its all her family. I feel sorry for him as he always seems sad nowadays.

I just find it very odd that someone would want to police their partner’s private correspondence. Alarm bells would be ringing if this was my son.

I agree PECS well said.

If the woman is a longstanding 'family' friend that your son has known since childhood and been part of his life I cannot see why DiL is quite so annoyed. If it is an acquaintance of yours who does not really know your son other than one or two meetings that would be a different matter.

So if its between son and partner, why a curt message to his mum?
She should have nagged the son about it.

She lives there. It’s between her son and his partner. If he wants Auntie Ida to have THEIR address it would be prudent for OP to encourage her son to give it to her himself, and thus remove herself from the equation. As for splitting hairs over DIL or not- she’s his long time live-in partner and they have a child together. She should be treated no differently than any other DIL, legally wedded or no.

If they wanted cards Auntie Ida, they’d make sure she had their address.

DS has agreed that he does want “Auntie Ida” to have his address though. What gives his partner the right to veto this?

To be correct, the woman in question is not a DIL as the OP’s son has not married her.
No reason for her to throw a wobbly about a card sent to her partner at all!
A storm in a teacup by a controlling young woman by the sound of it.

It was wrong of you to give out their address, without your sons permission beforehand. If you received his permission ahead of time, But DIL wasn’t ok with it, it’s understandable she’s letting you know now she doesn’t want the address shared again. You don’t have any right to share your son AND dil’s info far and wide with one person clearly strongly objecting. And I do wish the elder generation would stop sharing the contact info of their adult children as if it were there’s to give. Stop triangulating their relationships. If they wanted cards Auntie Ida, they’d make sure she had their address.

Hey, no apology needed, Lily. As you see, I have a vested interest.

Just say you didn't realise it would upset her, and apologise. I would not give an address without asking. I don't know why she is upsent now but I would not go looking for issues.

I always ask before handing out any personal details like addresses or phone numbers no matter who is asking for it! I recently received a message via FB from an old work colleague of one of my DD (she’s not on FB) asking for her mobile number but I checked with her before giving it. She may be my daughter but she is her own person

Apologies, I have never been a fan and I thought in this digital age they may be on their way out.

I could not get my underwear contorted over somebody I don't know and will never meet sending me a card!

I only know that as my DD2 is a card designer.

Doubt it, Lily65. We spend over £1.6 billion a year on them in this country.