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What would you do in this Situation - Giving out Info.

(54 Posts)
PinkSweetPea Thu 07-Feb-19 10:08:03

I received a curt message off my son's partner last night saying she is not happy that I have given out their address to one of my friends of 20+ years , who has a son the same age as my son and a grandma herself and she always sends him a xmas and birthday card and I do the same for her family.

I would never give out their address online or to people I don't know.

My friend asked for his address when they first moved in together 5 years ago before they had their daughter, as she thought it would be nice for him to get the card at his new address, so I gave the address (this was 5years ago) and nothing was said by his partner then.

Well now suddenly she is moaning about it because they have their daughter now and she does not know my friend., my friend lives the other end of the country to them so is not going to be visiting them. Thing is they have recently moved from this address so in fact my friend does not have their new address.

How do I answer her message, I am very cross with her and have text my son this morning to tell him I don't like being told who I can give my sons address to, my friend is the only person who I gave their address to anyway, none of my relatives have their address.

She is a very controlling person and I see this as a way of controlling who he can have contact with, he has lost contact with all his friends from school days and has no friends where he lives now, its all her family. I feel sorry for him as he always seems sad nowadays.

I have not replied back to her yet but I want her to know I am upset by her message but what do I put.

nanny2507 Thu 07-Feb-19 10:26:27

oh dear thats a huge NO NO. i would go mad too. If i want someone to contact me i will give them my info if they dont have it they are not that close to me..its no ones else,s place to do so...whether they are known to the person or not. You should have said I will just check they are happy for me to give that info out....

nanny2507 Thu 07-Feb-19 10:28:15

its an anxiety thing will me, Maybe say I am sorry you feel this way and i wont do it again but your message was quite hurtful?

nanny2507 Thu 07-Feb-19 10:28:31

with me

DoraMarr Thu 07-Feb-19 10:31:01

No, you don’t give out addresses to third parties, no matter how long you have known them, without asking first. I sympathise with your daughter in law. The best thing you can do now is to apologise to both of them. Texting your son to complain was not a good move.

PinkSweetPea Thu 07-Feb-19 10:49:12

It's a sad world when a friend's kind gesture of over 20 years is taken like. Thing is I did tell my son that my friend had asked for their address and he said ok, that was 5 years ago and my friend has been sending cards since them, now its suddenly not ok to send one. What a world we live in!

PinkSweetPea Thu 07-Feb-19 10:50:29

Thanks Nanny2507 I will definitely let her know she has hurt my feelings.

sodapop Thu 07-Feb-19 10:51:37

It would have been better to pass the friend's address to your son and daughter in law then it was their choice to make contact or not. It's done now though and I think you should apologise for getting cross about her reaction. I think her response was over the top, she could just have asked you not to give out information again. Don't let this get out of proportion.

March Thu 07-Feb-19 11:17:46

You've upset her and she's upset you. Just say sorry for giving out her address and you won't do it in the future, you hope you can put it behind you both and so on. Done. Don't carry it on just draw a line under it and move on.

Apricity Thu 07-Feb-19 11:24:14

There are several aspects to this question. As a general rule I totally agree that it is not OK to give someone's else's address to a third party without their permission. This is a matter of respect not a controlling daughter in law. However, as the OP has now explained, she spoke with her son 5 years ago and he gave permission then and the OPs friend has been sending cards to them at their old address for the last 5 years.

Perhaps this is a contact that the son or daughter in law do not wish to continue? Just because the OP has been friends with the person for 20 years does not necessarily mean that her son and his new family need or wish to continue the friendship or connection, especially as it would appear they have never met the person. One could speculate endlessly about the reasons.

On the other hand, accepting occasional cards from one of your mother or mother in law's old friends, whatever your personal feelings about them, would be a gracious action. Just talk about it with your son and daughter in law. Don't let the kind hearted actions of an old friend be the cause of a rift with your family.

Izabella Thu 07-Feb-19 11:48:49

Even so, it is only polite to ask first.

Luckylegs9 Thu 07-Feb-19 12:05:39

I can understand how you feel pinksweetpea but it's not worth having words over, I would not reply to her. It's not as if your friend was a threat in any way, just kind and it was the only person you passed it on to. Not as if they are escaping and don't want to be found. Some of these Dil are just looking for problems that don't exist, it's a puzzle, they just invent new boundaries.

PinkSweetPea Thu 07-Feb-19 12:39:27

Luckylegs9 thank you I think you have hit the nail on the head saying she is looking for problems that don't exist, this is not the first time something little has been blown out of proportion.

Thanks for your replies on this subject.

Izabella - I did ask first 5 years ago when they moved, but apparently my sons partner was not aware I think that's what has upset her.

I have sent her a message with my side of the story and then got another message back and saying she does not wish to discuss it anymore so I have said nor me and hopefully that will be it.

In future any friends or relatives can send his cards to me and I will take them to him when I see him to keep the peace!

EllanVannin Thu 07-Feb-19 12:56:21

It sounds more like something deeper is going on than an address given out years ago ? Why wasn't it objected to at the time ?

M0nica Thu 07-Feb-19 16:08:30

Oh dear, PSP, you did something innocently, that led to unexpected anger from someone, but then despite all the advice you received on GN you go and put both feet into the mess and kick it over your DiL.

In your csituation, right at the start, while thinking your DiL is over cautious, I would have sent an immediate text/email of apology saying I was unaware that it could cause a problem and I will not repeat my mistake. I might even have sent flowers.

But I suspect that the relationship between you and your DiL is more fractious. The way you are blaming her ( and her family) for your son choosing to drop childhood friends. If he is not happy when he is with you, it may be cause he can sense (and see?) your disapproval of her (and her family).

lemongrove Thu 07-Feb-19 16:46:46

Pinksweetpea I would have done the same as you, why not, as you have been friends for so long and your DS knows her.It’s up to him anyway not his partner, and he may like a card from them.
Talk to him, if he doesn’t want your friend to send a card let him say so, not her ( none of her business!)

Smileless2012 Thu 07-Feb-19 16:48:47

Good post Luckylegssmile.

Strange that she doesn't want to discuss it any more bearing in mind she made such a fuss about it in the first place PSP. As you say "hopefully that will be it".

Newmom101 Thu 07-Feb-19 16:57:13

I (and DP) asked my mom and MIL not to give my address out to people (at least without asking us first) as we don't want people randomly turning up (which our families are likely to do) and they don't have any concept of our staying their welcome.

I do think you should have asked first. You say you don't like having 'to ask to give out your sons address' but it's not just his, it's also your DILs. It would have been polite if you to ask first. Or just to have the item sent to you and for you to pass it on.

muffinthemoo Thu 07-Feb-19 18:15:27

My father in law is extremely free with our address, including to people whom we have literally never met and are highly unlikely to meet.

He says "people like to show respect to [him]" via cards to us. I would brush this off but unfortunately he then responds furiously when he finds we have not sent Christmas cards etc to people whose addresses we do not have and who we literally don't know who they are or how they even know us or FIL.

DH has tried over the years, respectfully but firmly, to dissuade him but with no success.

I have quietly been signing FIL up for postal catalogues of sex toy companies for a number of years now. I have also added his email addresses and mobile number to every dodgy mailing list I can find going.

I have noticed after the last enforced change of his email address that the handing out of our address has apparently stopped.

I think the message has been received at last.

lemongrove Thu 07-Feb-19 19:14:54

What a very strange FIL you have muffin
Respect? Is he a Mafia Don?

seacliff Thu 07-Feb-19 19:27:15

I think you should not say any more, however hurt and angry you are.

Escalating this to a full blown row is not a good idea. Think of your son, and your grand daughter. You don't want to make more of a problem and possibly then be banned from seeing the grand daughter, as sadly happens only too often these days. It's just not worth it. Be the bigger person and ignore it.

agnurse Fri 08-Feb-19 00:39:56

Don't give out anyone else's information without their consent. It's that simple. Also, do not EVER say to someone "I'm sorry you feel that way". It's a classic non-apology. You haven't actually apologized for anything and it's a good way to escalate the situation. Rather, "I'm sorry I gave out your information. I won't do it again."

LiveLaughLaove Fri 08-Feb-19 03:28:25

1. "My friend asked for his address when they first moved in together 5 years ago before they had their daughter, as she thought it would be nice for him to get the card at his new address."

Okay but were they also aware that this one time "nice gesture," would turn into a 5 year commitment that was religiously being done around the clock? How sure are you that your friend isn't overwhelming them? Or for sending them cards with messages that may not even mirror any of their beliefs?

2. "Well now suddenly she is moaning about it because they have their daughter now and she does not know my friend."

Has your friend started including her daughter in these cards too? Or you don't even know? Don't you find it very weird and extremely creepy to continuously receive cards from an unknown individual for a period of five whole years?

3. "my friend is the only person who I gave their address to anyway, none of my relatives have their address."

Can't you see how creepy this all presents itself? None of your relatives even have their address but your friend does? How is this not absurd to them?

4. "It's a sad world when a friend's kind gesture of over 20 years is taken like. "

Your 20+ year friendship is important to you and your friend only. Stop being upset because your DILs needs don't mirror yours. Whats the relevance of this duration of friendship to them when they have never even met your son or his wife?

5."I will definitely let her know she has hurt my feelings."

Have you ever considered the possibility of your actions hurting her feelings? Or only yours count?

6. " I don't like being told who I can give my sons address to." - Huh - how entitling! You do realize that he's now her husband and its their home as her husband FIRST and not his home as your son first? Meaning stop being dictative and controlling over a home that's not yours.

As a grandparent, you're supposed to play a supportive role to your sons growing family, respect their wishes and apologize when you're on the wrong/have causes upset, as opposed to taking offence and making it all about you, your friend for 20+ years and how hurt you are. How does any of this not make you the controlling?

Picking a fight with your sons wife will most likely only get you shut out. Is it really worth it? Is your relationship with your friend more important than that with your son and your grandchild? She probably doesn't want to discuss it with you anymore for you already text your son about how "cross you were," and he obviously shared your message with his wife. So she probably knows that any discussion will only lead to you making this all about you and how hurt you are hence the reason she doesn't want to discuss it any further. Also don't be naive to think that she sent you that "curt message," without your sons knowledge. If your son was okay with his address being given out he would have stopped her from contacting you. He probably didn't want to upset you but the fact that she sent that message to you probably means that he's in agreement with her. Pick your battles very wisely!

BlueBelle Fri 08-Feb-19 05:59:34

You don’t give out people’s address to anyone
I ve told my son I don’t like being told who I can give my sons address to are wrong you shouldn’t be giving other people’s addresses out to anyone your daughter in law is correct
You think she’s trying to control your son I think you are over thinking this, and unless your son comes to you and says Mum I need your help then Its none of your business

But what to put ...absolutely nothing unless you apologise and say I m really sorry I was out of order and didn’t mean any harm, it won’t happen again

Big old mountain our of a molehill this is the way to get cut out of family life then wonder why

Namsnanny Fri 08-Feb-19 23:35:34

First of all I wouldn't necessarily have given out someones address without their permission, but neither would I complain about it 5 years later!

It does seem odd to get upset about it now, especially as she hasn't explained why.
Something must have happened unknown to you PSP, and unless your son or dil want to tell you what, you will probably just have to file it under weird and move on!

I do think dil reaction is a bit of a red flag. First of all she's so cross she sends a curt text, then shuts down any discussion, just because she wants to, does look a bit controlling.

Luckylegs is right, don't rise to it.