Horrible grandparents need opinions

Having read your additional information Poseidun I will admit to changing my opinion.

If they are as unreliable, controlling and devious as you say, if you've tried to talk this over and gotten nowhere, then your little ones are best kept away from them.

At their age, they shouldn't even be aware of what the grandparents are doing but as they are, and cry as a result of those actions, you'd be better protecting them from such possibilities in future.
Don't talk about it in front of them and explain in an age-appropriate way that they won't be seeing these people again.

The old people are never going to be the grandparents you want, whatever you do.

My father tried to keep up contact between me and my grandmother because he felt it was the right thing to do but those visits, and her actions, were awful and I still remember them 7 decades later

I just wonder how much you know about the other child's current situation with his recovered mother – long may it last – the new boyfriend and the child's own history. I am not clear about how long he lived with his grandparents but it seems to have been an importantly formative part of his life. Adjustment must have been hard for him and, perhaps, he still doesn't feel secure.

Your own children are clearly much loved and secure in their own home with you. Maybe the grandparents are concerned about the other little boy's fears and uncertainties and trying their best to reassure him and make him feel safe. For example, the new boyfriend may well be a terrifically nice guy but he will be unfamiliar to the little boy in what is already an unfamiliar situation. You are a father and you know how children hug their fears rather than express them – and often they can't express them as they simply do not understand the concepts or have the words. Perhaps the grandparents provide the place where he can let go and feel free. Perhaps the grandparents do not want to express their own worries about him to you – and, possibly, their worries about his mother because it will always be a fear and, indeed, a possibility, that she will relapse.

In short – no doubt that's a relief to you if you have stuck it out to read this far – it seems that this is a much more complex situation than you realise. Grandparents are doing their best where they feel they are most needed without realising that your family – you and your children – is feeling a bit neglected and sidelined. In your situation I would let things ride but keep in touch and see how things are in a few months' time.

Don't write off grandparents unless they are truly bad people. Ring them for the occasional chat and ask how they are. You may learn some important information – or not.

Hi Poseidun, from what you say your In Laws see more of their
Grandson who they looked after for two years. I'm sure in those two years a very close bond was made with this boy, who needed their love and support. So to want to see him a lot is natural and also the boy will want to see them, even though he is now back with his Mum and her boyfriend, he may still need the security of his Grandma and Grandad.
Even though all Grandchildren should be treated equally, I can see how this inequality has happened because of their closeness with the boy. That bond will never be broken!
Your children have both parents and are well loved and cared for.
I'm sorry to have to say this but I can hear in what you are writing some sort of competitiveness from you, regarding how much the Grandparents see this boy and how much they see your children.
In truth, they probably want to see the boy every minute of every day, you can't change that.
What you can do, is maybe invite your In Laws to your house for Sunday Lunch or something along those lines, or invite them over for a BBQ.
You need to find a way to get closer to them without being so needy about it and putting pressure on them.
The sledging day was unfortunate in that you missed the phone call and the Grandad had set off before you rang on the Sunday.
These things happen!
I think that you would be very wrong to cut them out of your life because in your eyes things aren't equal, things rarely are.
Be happy to see them when you can and go for quality time rather than quantity.
I hope it works out for you all.

Hello - welcome if you are new.

And from me too

Its such a waste.
All the love that children can give.. It seems the grandparents have no room for anyone else but the cousin.

Unfortunately you are right. Nothing I can do. Like I said earlier just hard when that’s all they have for family besides us.

It must be horrible.
Any slight to our children hurts, doesn't it?

You are right ☹️. It’s just so hard when you don’t have family and you want your children to experience it. But thanks for your reply

You can be bitter, but it won't make them turn into the grandparents you want them to be.
They are who they are, and they behave how they behave.
Don't waste your precious time giving them more thought than they give you or your children.

I think you are under the impression we just want to dump our kids off and use them as babysitters which definitely is not the case. I understand what you are saying and appreciate your opinion but you have to realize this has been 7 years now. They have lied to us about spending time with the cousin because I’m assuming they knew it was wrong. We have tried to talk with them in private about this and there’s always an excuse. We honestly just want them to spend quality time with our children. And it is a shame they were heartbroken from essentially losing their “child” but I wasn’t that clear about it. They didn’t have him every single day they were just helping. And now the mom is good and he has a prominent male figure in his life. I also didn’t mention that they have been really invasive with the mom and have crossed the line a lot with how he should be parented, taking him when mom already has plans ect.. and when I have to see my children ball their eyes out darn right that’s going to make me angry and bitter and I feel I have every right to be.

I don't agree with agnurse.
I think the grandparents were so heartbroken to lose the 2 year old that they probably don't want to get as close to any little one ever again.

Why call them "horrible"?

You need to sit down and without blame, explain to them, in private, no children around, how much you'd like them to be involved.
Tell them you understand how hurt they must have been to have "their child" taken back when Mama got her act together but that you would like them to be involved in your children's lives.

Don't take advantage of them by expecting them to take your children when they don't feel up to it and don't, ever compare them with your grandparents.

Try getting together as a family and all going to some place - park for picnic, zoo, your house for a party - so your children can feel free to build a good relationship with them.

You are going to have to be much more understanding and patient than your current letter seems to indicate - there is no place for anger and resentment here if your little ones are to have a bond with their grandparents.

In a situation like this there is little you cando, except accept the situation and do all you can to protect your children from building up expectations that are constantly dashed.

I would do as another poster suggested, leave them to contact you and if they make promises to do things with your children, remembering past let downs, make a game with your children about whether they will actually do it or not, with a surprise treat for your children hidden up your sleeve if they do let them down again.

If they enquire about the lack of contact, tell them gently, that they have upset your children so often by saying they will take them out/see them etc, that you thought it best to leave all contact in their court.

It is very sad when grandparents are partial like this, but whatever the ins and outs of the situation. The best thing is to take a completely rational unemotional view of the situation and work out a solution that does least harm to your children.

Hello - welcome if you are new.

maybe they feel the one they do help with has had a tough run and needs them more ...and they find it hard work with just him.Its not always cut and dried ,speak to them and tell them your children would love to spend some time with them when THEY have the energy and if thats not a possibility maybe they could skype or msg the wee ones.
Life is rarely as simple for others as we imagine and they likely dont realise that by supporting one GC they are hurting the others .Good luck with them but dont go in all guns blazing that rarely helps anything .

Drop the rope. It's sadly clear what their priorities are. I wouldn't suggest a formal cutoff letter, but rather just stop making contact. If they want to do something with the children, THEY can initiate it. If they don't, clearly they're just not into you.