The Grandma that never was

Hi bluebelle. No one was involved in my daughter.s death. She climbed a set of drawers in her bedroom early one morning when we were all asleep they fell and killed her instantly. Her twin was asleep in the same room and slept through the accident. She was 21 months old. My eight year old daughter found her and raised the alarm. This was not the daughter who has my grandson.

Oh my goodness, poor you and poor little lamb, a complete accident and no-one to blame. I just can't imagine what you've been through. Just sorry I have no advice to offer, but to stay strong and hope that things will get better.

I am so so sorry. That is such a tragedy.

Best to continue to be a nice, caring and loving mother/grandmother, rather than trying to have your grandson all to yourself. Everybody reacts differently to death. When my 3 yr old daughter died unexpectedly in 1979, I was quite happy to talk about her. But my husband wouldn't allow me to mention her name ever again. Your daughter might be worried incase something happens when she isn't around. I wouldn't want anybody else to look after my children, and I expect your daughter feels the same.

Just to add - the daughter's reluctance to allow her child out of her sight might be nothing at all to do with the terrible tragedy that happened. She might, like my daughter, just be a neurotic mother! Actually, that's a bit unfair of me, being an exaggeration, but that's how it seemed to me at the time. All is well now - only five minutes ago she asked if we could pick the kiddies up from school TWO DAYS ON THE TROT - a first for us!!!

Moomin, stay calm, and you will get your well-deserved reward in time.

To the lady who implied it was "all about you", well of course it is. That is what this forum is for - supporting folks who are upset or worried about something. The OP isn't asking about help for her daughter but for herself. Saying "Can you not see that your daughter......." could be worded much more sympathetically as "Perhaps consider that your daughter......". There are ways of advising people other than accusing them of doing it wrongly. Please don't let this forum go the way of Mumsnet.

do you know i have never had my grandchildren over night or for a weekend. yes i have them all day sometimes.when asked why .she says thats just how it is.yet she goes to mother in laws home and they stay overnights. but its being protective of her children and quite right too. just feel blessed that you do see your grandchild ,dont make a bee line for him when you arrive, . maybe do some gardening or read a childs book on the sofa and encourage him to join you.take it slowly ..my grandaughter was really clingy when she was 2-3 yrs.but she slowly came to seeing me take her brother up my home for the day and after a year she finally came too.

Oh Moomim what a trerrible thing to happened and so tragic You all did so well to continue and successfully bring up the other children
My only advice would be to try not to dwell on your daughters need to keep her little one safe and include BOTH daughter and grandson in any activities you would like to do and also don’t try too hard don’t overload her

The last sentence in your opening post worries me do not ever shut the door on a child, no matter what
I hope you get some peace

It does sound as though the birth of her son has stirred up feelings that she probably didn't even know she had. Coping so well at the time may have hidden worries that have been dormant till now. I think your best hope is that things will eventually settle down, particularly as he gets older and goes to school. After all at the moment he's the same age as your daughter who died. It must rouse a lot of memories. Time and not pushing things are your best hope.

Thank you you to everyone who took the time and trouble to post it's all been very helpful and gives me different perspectives. There is no training for being a grandparent and it's only by asking advice from others that we can learn. Thank you

Hello Moomintwo, I am relatively new to Gransnet and may be writing this too long after the thread started but I have just read all the posts and I want to say that it has stunned me by giving me some answers to a question I didn’t know how to ask.
Before anything else I want to send you my most sincere sympathy and good wishes. My life and circumstances have almost mirrored yours and forty seven years after the death of my child I am facing the same awful difficulties in my relationship with the child who was closest in age to the one who died.
I was very close to running out of patience with the situation but couldn’t see any way forward. Fortunately for most people there didn’t seem anyone to speak to who could really begin to understand the lifelong effects of such a loss. The compassion and wisdom of most of the replies to you have given me a glimpse of a possible way forward and I am deeply grateful.
I still expect the road to be hard as it will be for you too but I hope and pray we will both benefit from your courage in seeking help. God bless x

My daughter was like that with the little ones untill the eldest was about four. Till then she didn't trust anyone to drive her anywhere or have her overnight. I didn't push it as I could understand that anxiety. She was even less trusting of her poor mother in law!
Nowadays all the children come to stay. I hope time takes care of your daughter's anxiety too.
Try to be quite casual towards your GS as he might be picking up your feelings of sadness. Let him come to you.

Moomintwo, I'm so deeply sorry about the loss of your dd. It must have been a very traumatic time for you and your family. And to have your husband run out on you afterwards - wow! Clearly, you've done a great job raising the remaining kids on your own, based on what you've told us.

I'm sorry, too, that you're disappointed in your gp experience so far. Like others, though, I think this is more about dd's concerns about her child than it is about her view of you. I don't think it's that she doesn't trust you , just that she's not ready to let her child out of her sight. Whether it's because of the loss of her sister or she's just a very protective mum, idk. But, imo, it doesn't really matter. Please try to respect how she feels and stop trying to get to spend time with gs alone. If she sees you respect her feelings,, she may loosen up in time.

But even if not, at least, you can have a lot of fun times together, the three of you (or 4 if you can include the dad sometimes). Then you can focus on the good times you do have instead of on what you're not getting. And you will still probably have gs alone "by default," now and then, so there's that. Again, I don't think it's due to lack of trust that she doesn't leave him with you otherwise, so please just treasure those special moments and don't look for deeper meanings (I know it's hard not to).

How very sad that you lost your little one in this way and the repercussions for your family, however I would add that neither my DD or DDIL would ever have left their children with anyone for more than an hour or so at that age. My eldest DGS was 3 1/2 when his brother was born and as we lived over an hour away I went over one day per week during the last few weeks of her pregnancy to take the little one out for the day to give her some much needed rest. By the third week he howled when I turned up as he knew I was going to take him away from his Mum and really didn't like me for a while. All 4 of my DGC, 11,9,7,5 - are now very happy to have sleep overs, days out etc Maybe just give them both time and don't force anything, I hope you get to enjoy a wonderful relationship with him.

Moomintwo, this is such a sad scenario. I have three grand daughters, except for my eldest who is totally charismatic and has never met a stranger, the other two definitely displayed shyness at two years old. I would ignore them totally, and found they came round much quicker than if I tried to make contact. As others have said, your daughter and may be her husband, have decided for their own peace of mind not to allow you access on your own with your grand son. Is she close to her siblings, would any of them find out why she has this attitude, can they gleam any information, so you can work with her about her feelings. Like others have said, spend time with her and your grandson, but concentrate on giving her attention, and see how the situation resolves over a year.

Foxyloxy

I'd strongly discourage putting the other AC in the middle of the conflict. I've been in a similar position. It's not a good place to be.

For now, OP needs to accept what she is getting and be patient. Alone time is a privilege, not a right.

@Moomintwo so sorry for your loss of your DD. So many people have already said what I would have said, to work on your relationship with your daughter and to be less full on and tempt GS with interesting objects. Would he enjoy bubbles? Often small children are easily distracted and he may forget to be shy if something interests him enough.