The Grandma that never was

How very sad - and hard for you.

Your DD seems to be reacting to the loss of her sister and the break-up of your marriage. And she is now a parent herself and has realised the fierce love that we have for our children.

I have no easy answer to offer here - but I hope very much that there will be other GC with whom you are able to have a closer relationship.

There has been a little animosity at times with other grandmother but no sense baby-sits for them. Just me it would seem.

Thank you. Yes others do look after him including other grandmother. I'm pleased for them that he has so many people who love him.

I hope things improve for you all, Moomin. I’d echo what a previous poster said - for the time being, just suggest outings with your DGS that include your daughter. This way I would think that he’ll get better used to you and she’ll see this and become more confident about leaving him with you in the future.

How dreadfully sad and I can't really add any more. It does sound as though the birth of her son has perhaps triggered some kind of PTS related to her little sister's death. At 10 she would be well aware of what was happening and the fact that you say you were all in awe of how she coped maybe shows that she bottled everything up and now it's coming out in her behaviour. I hope you manage to talk this through with her or perhaps her siblings may be able to help.

That was such a bad time for you all Moomintwo and the pain doesn’t go away, we just learn to take it with us, somehow.

I think that deep down you understand your daughter’s fear for her own child and that has brought back so many of the feelings you felt at the time.

She was ten. We were in awe of her and how she handled things I arranged counselling and took older ones to bereavement camp. She came with me to hospital after we found my daughter who had died. She read poem at her funeral. I don't know where my little pal has gone we were once so close. I understand sometimes you can't help how you feel. So much hurt and pain

Yes I can't add any more to Anja's comments. A sad situation for all of you, just be patient and supportive. You have cared for your family so well over the years I'm sure your daughter will come to realise this.

A mother’s worst fear is that she will lose a child. This will be even more of an anxiety for your daughter than most as she knows this can and does happen. To most people it’s something that won’t happen to them, not so your daughter.

I don’t know how old your little one was when you lost her and I’m so sad for you still. I think you might have to wait until your GS is older and your daughter feels more secure about this issue. Till then just be as patient and as supportive as you can for her.

I empathise with you and I am so sorry for the loss of your child. You Did so incredibly well raising your children by yourself and you should be proud of that.

It is difficult to evaluate your DD’s behaviour without more background info. Has she become distant towards you since GS was born? Is she a full time mum? Does she let other people child mind?
All I can say is - be patient and don’t appear to be desperate to have him on his own. Enjoy him when you see him with the parents and play with him in his own environment.

Your GS acting shy is not unusual and could be just a phase he is going through - I mind my GD 3 days a week and she went through a phase (at 2 yrs old) when she clung unto her parents every morning she arrived. But it stopped as suddenly as it started after Christmas.

How do you know your daughter is in competition with you’re parenting ? Has she said that? Or are you thinking that?
Was you’re daughter innocently involved in your daughters accident ? Or were you? I think this may be at the bottom of her reluctance to let the little boy away from her care

Why don’t you try doing things with her involved instead of wanting to be on your own with the little boy invite her as well and build up a relationship with them both you say she hasn’t stopped you seeing him just doesn’t want to leave him so I think that’s your answer

How disappointing for you. Other people complain that they are taken for granted and expected to be available for child-care at a moment's notice. The little boy is losing something valuable too. You don't mention your daughter's in-laws. Does she have the same attitude towards the other grandmother?

What an unbearably sad situation, I'm so sorry you're going through this.
People do things for their own reasons and we rarely understand why.
I'm sure your daughter must have been incredibly shocked and distressed when her sister died so even if it's never even crossed her mind to blame you, she would still be on tenterhooks that a similar accident may befall her precious child.

Two year old are often shy, my younger boy suddenly became shy of his grandma and his daddy for goodness sake at 2 years old, but it soon passed. Ironically, he'd go to a stranger without and hint of this shyness.

If you can talk to your daughter about how much this hurt, please do so but I doubt it would get rid of her fears.
As moomin says, she knows the worst can happen.

I am sure the little boy will relax in time and enjoy coming to you and that alone will help his Mum to accept time away from her.

moomintwo It must be hard. Does your daughter allow others to care for the little one, or is it just you? If she doesn't let anyone babysit it could be that she has a real fear of "something " going wrong if she doesn't watch him 24/7. She could still be traumatised by what must have been a horrific experience for your family. After all, she now knows, unfortunately, that the Worst CAN happen.
I'm so sorry for the loss of your child

How old was your daughter when her sister died? I wonder if this might be a confused picture that has become locked in her mind since the accident and since was a child. Almost all mothers are fiercely protective of their children – and quite rightly – but perhaps she has conflicting feelings about you and about protecting her son. I am not suggesting for a second that you are a threat to him, or even that she consciously thinks you are.