Step Kids/Grandkids issues

I’d agree with grandetante’s suggestions on previous page. Teach her to use washing machine (in her own house) and encourage her to look after own personal hygiene. Being in control of some aspects of her life might improve her general behavior. Does she like all the pets they have? If so, could you help her find out about caring for them, cleaning up after them etc.

I think the best plan would be to have her stay over more often, it’s hard because she’s so exhausting and DH isn’t that used to kids as he was travelling for business a lot when his kids were young, so he tends to get a headache within the first half hour and then bails out on me and naps on the sofa! Same if she won’t go to sleep at night, it’s ‘You deal with her’ and he just goes to bed. Not very helpful, and consequently I’ve been put off having her stay over. I need to talk to DH and we need to make an agreement on sharing the childcare, taking her out to places, parks etc., and probably getting dinner out to make things easier. I can get her clothes washed and make sure she’s clean and bathed. If I get the help from DH then we could have her Friday night through Sunday night and take her to school on Mondays. She is loved by her Mom, I’m sure of that, but I just don’t think she is focused on her welfare as much as she should be and unwilling to make those sacrifices of time and energy thatbringing up a child entails.

Awww she prob miss read it ...

If you asked your step-daughter would she be willing to allow the child to live with you on a permanent basis. Could you find a good school and therapy near to you? Do you think her mother would agree? Could she have her daughter for weekend visits? If you worded the proposal in a way that it was of benefit to your step-daughter meaning more disposable income for her, more freedom, easier lifestyle/ more time with friends and her boyfriend etc she may well accept.
Good luck, I really hope some way or somehow you manage to turn the child around before its too late and she either falls in with a wrong crowd or emulates her mother's lifestyle of boyfriends, booze and grubbyness.

Is your step-daughter clean and well presented? The whole situation sounds so odd. I really hope you are permitted to help her, it's such a sad and lonely existence for the child. Is she behind at school? Does she do homework? Could you contact the school and ask to be regularly updated with her progress?
Sorry, so many questions.

I wish you and your family good luck and hope you find a solution for the poor child. Xx

This is really hard for you and you have done so much to try and help. Is there anyway you could get custody of the child and have her live with you? She is being neglected as well as having been abused. other than this I don't know what you can do.

...my stepdaughter gets a new live in boyfriend at least once a year, so this situation probably won’t last long. Current boyfriend at least has a job and a house, can cook and is actively getting help with his PTSD/alcohol issues. As my husband says “Well, he’s not what I’d have chosen for her, but he’s the best one so far...” And for the record, his own kids have been clean and polite the few times we have met them (although they live with their Mom, so probably not his doing).

David1968 that is a very good point, as a retired RN I am all too well aware of these issues too and my own patience is at an end. As the Stepmom however, I feel I can’t do much except keep bringing the issues to my husband, who then will occasionally discuss things with his ex-wife and also his other daughter who is a clinical psychologist and agrees that her sister is not being a good parent. Nothing seems to work though. We did have a family intervention last year as her current boyfriend is actually only allowed supervised custody of his own kids due to PTSD/anger issues and alcoholism. Big red flags...although he has worked hard to stay dry and is receiving therapy for his anger issues and is now being allowed more frequent supervised visitations with his kids. My husband went to my stepdaughters house after picking up gd from school and was disgusted with the mess from all the animals peeing on the floor etc and took photos to show to his other daughter and ex wife. They staged a family meeting and put forward their concerns to her, but since then they have just adopted 2 more animals and she has moved away from the nice rental house we found for her (and paid for for several years) and moved in with this boyfriend, further away, really bad neighbourhood, even tinier house that we do not now have a key for. I have no idea how bad that particular house is. I’m very very concerned about her upbringing, but I’m also concerned that if I make an anonymous report to social services without much evidence (like not being able to see the house) that I might inadvertently screw things up for her boyfriend, who really does appear to be doing everything possible to regain custody of his own kids.

As an ex-teacher can I just state that - as Knickerbockerglory has already identified - it's more than likely that a child who is dirty/smelly is already well on the way to being socially ostracised and bullied, as soon as they are in a school. Here in the UK I think that issue alone could be seen as a form of child abuse (under two criteria: both physical neglect and "deprivation" of appropriate educational opportunities. ) In the USA I understand that different states have different laws, so my advice is to find out what you can from whatever Social Services are in your area. At nine years old, time is not on this child's side, and it's the child's best interests (NOT her mother's) which should be crucial here. (Her mother has already had nine years - how much longer will you leave her to mature and parent properly?)

P.S. The school are aware of the issue of possible inappropriate touching/physical abuse by Moms ex boyfriend as it was the school that notified Mom about it. Unfortunately, although it went to court, nothing was proved due to lack of evidence and sadly, this child has a history of compulsive lying. I believe it happened as gd was at that time acting in a disturbingly promiscuous way and we were also asking questions and checking for bruises etc., when she was at our house. I am 100% certain that social services were notified and teachers and school counsellors are keeping an eye on things, as are we.

You sound like a lovely step-grandmother, OP. I hope things work out for you grandchild.

Yes, we are in the USA. First: thank you all so much for replying! In reading some other posts I realise that zee are not the only ones with this type of problem. I’ve read everyone’s posts and have some more information/answers to questions.
My husband is very passive, and although he doesn’t like the situation he is wary of big confrontations as his daughter will yell at him and simply refuse to let us see our grandchild at all (until the next time she needs help in some way). Her Mom is also aware of the problems, but lives hundreds of miles away and doesn’t get to actually experience the day to day issues with hygiene etc.
Our granddaughter IS getting bullied at school and is also in therapy for various issues including self-esteem problems, compulsive lying and possible inappropriate touching/physical abuse by one of her Moms ex boyfriends (a problem with boyfriends moving in/being trusted to care for her child after just a few weeks of dating..basically boyfriends are expected to provide child care services from day 1).
Because of the bullying the child ends up moving schools on a regular basis. We now have to do a 60-mile round trip if Mom needs us to pick her up from school, so it’s getting harder for us to be there and help her out. Mom just keeps moving further away into worse and worse neighborhoods instead of saving money/finding a financially stable partner who won’t be another burden on her to improve their standard of living.
My stepdaughter is financially irresponsible, she has a good job but wastes money on frivolities and seems to date men who are financially worse off than she is and ends up providing for them too. She gets into debt and pleads poverty, but at the same time makes no attempt to hide the eating out, frivolous purchases or all the pets she keeps getting and can’t afford. 7 animals in a tiny house just add to the whole hygiene issue.
Mom actually has an income pretty close to ours now that we are retired.
The biological father of our grandchild was an abusive alcoholic/drug addict. He is not listed as the father and has no contact with his child, we offered financial assistance so that she didn’t have to seek child support from him and provided housing rent and child care costs for several years until gd was as school full time and her Mom was settled in a good job again.
The problem isn’t a serious neglect issue, yes she’s dirty and smelly most of the time, but she is fed and cared for at an acceptable level. Our main concerns are being at risk from Moms boyfriends, being exposed to inappropriate language, using the TV as a child minder and continued bullying at school (probably because of being dirty/smelly).
We can’t change her home environment unless my husband and his ex wife become more assertive with their daughter, but they are scared that they will just drive her away and we won’t get to see gd at all.
Lastly, I do know what it’s like to be a single Mom. I was a single Mom to 2 kids (and 3 pets) for many years, working night shift and struggling to make ends meet. But my kids were fed, bathed, had clean clothes and a clean house to live in and as we couldn’t afford internet or cable TV we made a lot of great memories enjoying other forms of entertainment. My husband also was not allowed to be alone with my kids until I had known him for at least 2 years (and by that time one was at college and the other in high school, not vulnerable young kids any more). I know of many other single Moms who do a great job too, and I honestly think this situation is just sheer laziness, bad decisions and not putting our gd first.
Anyway, I think all we can do is keep as close an eye on the situation as possible and try our best to create a model environment when she is here. We’ve discussed it and are willing and prepared to fight for custody should the situation deteriorate enough, but at the moment we want to give her Mom every chance to mature and parent properly herself.

I think it would help if you could find an activity that she enjoys. Horse-riding is brilliant and it is hard to imagine a child who wouldn't enjoy it, but it depends on where you live and how affordable it is. Horse-riding is also good therapy.

Don't think OP mentioned that she wasn't at school JohnD just that when she visits she's smelly and whines until she can put the tv on or play on video games.

Bad parenting and difficult for OP as she's not the mothers' mother, or grandmother. She's the stepmom (I think she is from US) and stepgrandmother.

Also, if she is, she's probably asleep. So doubt we'll get any feedback.

GrandtanteJE65's post was most helpful I thought. Try to by pass the mother and teach the child by example and giving her the skills to cope with her own hygiene.

Is it the op who is 9 years old?

The young girl is NINE years old. She should be at school

Right so she is not the toddler I thought she was but 9 years old. Also I think maybe living in America, not sure on that but college fund and calling her mom not mum makes me think America, but could be wrong again. If her mom is giving her the choice of whether to wash or not then maybe tell the child when visiting that i your house its our rules and she must either turn up clean or straight into the bathe when she comes to stay. Let her know how it is. Also Social Services as I said before, you don't know what else is going on in her home.

Very good post grandtanteJE65 Teach her by example and how to do things for herself.

The problem is with the stepdaughter, who was possibly spoilt as compensation for her parents marriage break up. I've seen this where both parents compete for affection and their child to enjoy being at their house by giving too much then wondering how they've raised a spoilt brat.

Too late for her but not too late for your GD. From the US by the use of 'mom' it seems so most grans on this site won't know how the US system works regarding social services. If she's filthy, smells and not thriving at school though, I imagine someone will step in.

At least she has someone who is concerned for her.

I would stop trying to discuss things with your step-daughter, she isn't going to change.

Go on making sure the child has clean clothes, and bathes and eats sensibly when she is with you.

Show her how to put her dirty clothes on to wash. She is nine, you say, so she is old enough to manage to read the instructions on a washing-machine.

A good many of us did our own washing and or ironing from the age of twelve or even younger. I learned to iron when I was nine, as I was tired of waiting for a grown-up to have time to iron my dolls' clothes.

I'm sure your granddaughter appreciates the cleanliness in you house, as you say you can get her to wash and brush her teeth.

Teach her to wash, iron and make a bed. These are skills she will need all her life.

If she smells and her clothing is unclean she will be bullied at school. Other children will laugh at her and not want to be her friend. I would ring SS. I think you can do this anonymously for safeguarding issues. This could potentially be neglect.

Agree withAnniewilko.
Sounds like she is in need of some boundries so I would say Grandad & Grannys house, Grandad & Grannys rules.
My niece was quite badly behaved when at our house but once her parent had left, changed completely, soon realised that treats, tv were only available if she behaved. Now she's grown up with 2 children, that I'm pleased to say are much better haved than she was.

Perhaps you could get her involved in a team sport or any sport that involves outdoor physical activity. Say girl's soccer or figure skating. Spending time outside with other children her age and learning new skills could boost her self esteem and redirect her away from all that screen time.

Persevere with her. I worked with disadvantaged and disengaged with young people for a long time. Put boundaries in place, yes, she can have television time but has to participate in something of your choice. Perhaps a family movie at telly time.
She most likely doesn't have nice food and treats at her place and is excited with what you have.
Ignore the mum's parenting and behaviour and keep going with yours. I'd try to passively challenge her behaviour, as it may be any attention is good attention thing with her.
Tell her the reason why some of her behaviour isn't acceptable but in a way that includes her. Ask her what she would like to do and do that. Nature walks and crafts are not for everyone, perhaps crabbing, ice skating, ten pin bowling, netball.
I know it may sound a bit namby pamby but to engage fully with her then it will hopefully work.
I have too say, you may not see a difference for a few years yet.

Are you American? Just with you saying you have a college fund - not usual here in the U.K. for a nine year old?

Sounds to me that your husband’s daughter is happy with lax parenting. Possibly because she knows grandad (and you) will pick up the slack. It’s such a shame because she had a good childhood and it sounds as though she’s denying her daughter one. If the child is smelly and unkempt then other children will avoid her. What on Earth is mum playing at?

Apart from the obvious ( if she smells terrible etc I'm sure the school are involved if not social services), my advice having worked with children for 30 years would be to not stay in the house when she visits. There ha's to be compromise. So a trip out, even if it's not far, but something she might enjoy, pack a lunch, and only after you return give an hour of screen time - does she enjoy cooking? Have you any pets? The key is consistency. Stick to a routine when she visits, put up with initial whinging, and don't waver.

You are her only chance really. Happy children aren't whiny and she is doing what she has been taught to do. It is very difficult if the child is not likeable but that also makes her more in need of help.
You could ring childline. They would probably suggest that you speak to social services but they may have other suggestions.