Step Kids/Grandkids issues

Welcome if you are new, knickerbockerglory.

Thank you for the welcome

What are your husband's views in all this ? His daughter, his grandchild.

To be honest, you're not ever going to change this little girl's story if her main influence is that of her mother. You might give her a different role model when she is with you, but I assume that this is not all the time. As grandparents we can only try to steer our GC in the right direction , but if she is with her mother for the majority of the time, that will be her main influence.

Personally I wouldn't be stressing and exhausting yourself, trying to change this child. Give her love and good examples, but don't expect to have a big impact on her. You'll break your own heart if you keep trying to make her any different .

Are Social Services involved i anyway as she is often dirty and unkempt this would be one of my one main worries. You could phone the duty Social Worker and have a chat, that is if your husband agrees .

Posted before I could say it might well be that they could find a nursery place for her a few days a week and this would give her another outlook on life and prepare for school.

I think I spotted that she is 9 years old?

Barmeyoldbat - poster says she is 9 so hardly going to be given a nursery place !!!!
At 9 the damage is done and you're not going to change the way her mum's brought her up . What does your husband do/say as it's his daughter / granddaughter ?

Actually nurserys do after school care for children up to age 11. My 7 year old GD will be going two full days a week over the summer holidays. The nursery gear activities and days out for the older children.

If you are in the UK, the fact that she is dirty and smells at the age of nine, would be regarded as a Safeguarding issue. Her teachers would be negligent if they didn’t flag this up to Social Services. I would be difficult for you to do this, but perhaps a quiet word with the school should trigger some action. There is clearly something very wrong with this child’s home life.

You are her only chance really. Happy children aren't whiny and she is doing what she has been taught to do. It is very difficult if the child is not likeable but that also makes her more in need of help.
You could ring childline. They would probably suggest that you speak to social services but they may have other suggestions.

Apart from the obvious ( if she smells terrible etc I'm sure the school are involved if not social services), my advice having worked with children for 30 years would be to not stay in the house when she visits. There ha's to be compromise. So a trip out, even if it's not far, but something she might enjoy, pack a lunch, and only after you return give an hour of screen time - does she enjoy cooking? Have you any pets? The key is consistency. Stick to a routine when she visits, put up with initial whinging, and don't waver.

Are you American? Just with you saying you have a college fund - not usual here in the U.K. for a nine year old?

Sounds to me that your husband’s daughter is happy with lax parenting. Possibly because she knows grandad (and you) will pick up the slack. It’s such a shame because she had a good childhood and it sounds as though she’s denying her daughter one. If the child is smelly and unkempt then other children will avoid her. What on Earth is mum playing at?

Persevere with her. I worked with disadvantaged and disengaged with young people for a long time. Put boundaries in place, yes, she can have television time but has to participate in something of your choice. Perhaps a family movie at telly time.
She most likely doesn't have nice food and treats at her place and is excited with what you have.
Ignore the mum's parenting and behaviour and keep going with yours. I'd try to passively challenge her behaviour, as it may be any attention is good attention thing with her.
Tell her the reason why some of her behaviour isn't acceptable but in a way that includes her. Ask her what she would like to do and do that. Nature walks and crafts are not for everyone, perhaps crabbing, ice skating, ten pin bowling, netball.
I know it may sound a bit namby pamby but to engage fully with her then it will hopefully work.
I have too say, you may not see a difference for a few years yet.

Perhaps you could get her involved in a team sport or any sport that involves outdoor physical activity. Say girl's soccer or figure skating. Spending time outside with other children her age and learning new skills could boost her self esteem and redirect her away from all that screen time.

Agree withAnniewilko.
Sounds like she is in need of some boundries so I would say Grandad & Grannys house, Grandad & Grannys rules.
My niece was quite badly behaved when at our house but once her parent had left, changed completely, soon realised that treats, tv were only available if she behaved. Now she's grown up with 2 children, that I'm pleased to say are much better haved than she was.

If she smells and her clothing is unclean she will be bullied at school. Other children will laugh at her and not want to be her friend. I would ring SS. I think you can do this anonymously for safeguarding issues. This could potentially be neglect.

I would stop trying to discuss things with your step-daughter, she isn't going to change.

Go on making sure the child has clean clothes, and bathes and eats sensibly when she is with you.

Show her how to put her dirty clothes on to wash. She is nine, you say, so she is old enough to manage to read the instructions on a washing-machine.

A good many of us did our own washing and or ironing from the age of twelve or even younger. I learned to iron when I was nine, as I was tired of waiting for a grown-up to have time to iron my dolls' clothes.

I'm sure your granddaughter appreciates the cleanliness in you house, as you say you can get her to wash and brush her teeth.

Teach her to wash, iron and make a bed. These are skills she will need all her life.

Very good post grandtanteJE65 Teach her by example and how to do things for herself.

The problem is with the stepdaughter, who was possibly spoilt as compensation for her parents marriage break up. I've seen this where both parents compete for affection and their child to enjoy being at their house by giving too much then wondering how they've raised a spoilt brat.

Too late for her but not too late for your GD. From the US by the use of 'mom' it seems so most grans on this site won't know how the US system works regarding social services. If she's filthy, smells and not thriving at school though, I imagine someone will step in.

At least she has someone who is concerned for her.

Right so she is not the toddler I thought she was but 9 years old. Also I think maybe living in America, not sure on that but college fund and calling her mom not mum makes me think America, but could be wrong again. If her mom is giving her the choice of whether to wash or not then maybe tell the child when visiting that i your house its our rules and she must either turn up clean or straight into the bathe when she comes to stay. Let her know how it is. Also Social Services as I said before, you don't know what else is going on in her home.

The young girl is NINE years old. She should be at school

Is it the op who is 9 years old?

Don't think OP mentioned that she wasn't at school JohnD just that when she visits she's smelly and whines until she can put the tv on or play on video games.

Bad parenting and difficult for OP as she's not the mothers' mother, or grandmother. She's the stepmom (I think she is from US) and stepgrandmother.

Also, if she is, she's probably asleep. So doubt we'll get any feedback.

GrandtanteJE65's post was most helpful I thought. Try to by pass the mother and teach the child by example and giving her the skills to cope with her own hygiene.

I think it would help if you could find an activity that she enjoys. Horse-riding is brilliant and it is hard to imagine a child who wouldn't enjoy it, but it depends on where you live and how affordable it is. Horse-riding is also good therapy.