Frequency of visiting grandchildren

I think you do very well to see them so often. I do envy you. Actually staying over every fortnight seems a lot to me without wishing to sound rude. Both parents usually work now and weekends are precious family time. Stop worrying sk much and jusg be happy ( and maybe now and then skip a visit)?

I think that as the eldest GC is only 4years old it is too soon to establish if there is a strong bond. Some children see the GP as someone who is just standing in for a their mum-
I was always told by GD that I can't sit next to her at table and she was difficult when I collected her from kindergarten. I was upset and once I told her
that I would sit where I wanted to!
She is now 13 and and is so affectionate and we get on well. In the end your GCs will get to know you so keep on going and don't expect a 4 year old to show affection, if he's missing his mother.
Some are trained to say I love you Gran and others are not. We don't say that in our family.

Dsd, dsil and dgs (7) are a 10 minute drive from us. Sometimes we can go weeks without meeting up as I still have a tweenager and two young adults at home, dsd and sil both work and dgs has lots of activities so we all have busy schedules. At the moment I am giving him lunchtime medication at school so am seeing him at least once a day. He is always just as happy to see me however long it’s been.

You could ask ddil if an occasional weekend day might suit them better as you could then see your som too. My Mum used to send cards and little parcels through the post to my boys when they were small which they really liked! I think I might start doing that for dgs.

It's not a matter of " how often" but just how much love there is. Mine ( 7 and 9) are 1,000km away and I see them in person about once every three months. But we talk ever week on Facetime and Skype, we write "real" letters and drawings to each other, and we always know what is going on in each other's lives. I'd give anything to see them as often as you do !

My parents only saw my own children twice a year - they are gone now but my children ( now in their 40's) still talk fondly of them . Bonding isn't a matter of frequency, it's the love you share. You'll be fine .

Ours are a long way away, too. Bonding is not a question of frequency of visits. We aim for quality, not quantity. We see them once every 6-8 weeks, but play with them and talk to them, giving them our full attention. When we do visit, DGD gives us kisses and cuddles. She also enjoys skyping with us and will even speak on the phone.

The other family are halfway across the world and we have a set time to skype, due to time difference there aren't many spaces in the week where we can all sit down together. We shall be visiting soon and DGS asks daily how long he has to wait till our visit. So he hasn't forgotten us, nor have we by any means fallen out of favour.

(Both GC are 4, the little one is only a few weeks. We have seen her once)

Thanks luluaugust, it's just like that as you say. I wish sometimes 4 year old would have more quiet time i.e, nothing organised for him, without so many activities ( nursery every morning and activities 3 afternoons with playdates, parties, cousins ) DIL has big family. He does get tired. C'est la vie.

Greengran78 I will get to grips with Facetime ( actually hate seeing myself on it unless device is at the other end of the room !!)
M0nica that's encouraging !
Farmor15 I agree
Starlady thank you
jocork /paddyann point taken.
I appreciate everyone's posts even if I haven't managed & most likely won't manage to respond to all. Have a good day everyone !

I think you are going to find flexibility is the way forward. The DGC are very small at present and life sounds manic! If you have got a two weekly routine going and they are fine with it just keep it going, everyone working nowadays has made a big difference to family availability. Your little 4 year old is coping with a lot, nursery and two smaller siblings and if he is at nursery all day is probably just tired. As you do see your GC quite a lot really I am sure you will have a good relationship with them its just different to the parental one.

BradfordLass 72 thank you for these tips I will try them. I think you are not in the UK & seem far from your roots, unless you keep very late hours ?!

Molli I feel for you but it sounds as if you have a good relationship with your GS & DS /DIL or DD/SIL?) you’ve been adaptable & not complained when you didn’t see him so much. He must love coming to see / stay with you now & doing things in the workshop with pops too.

Relationships change over time. We used to look after our GS twice a week but when he started school we were no longer needed for pick ups etc. We really missed him and he also started being a bit shy and not saying hello when we did pop in. We offered to have him at a half term for a sleep over. Something he had only done once or twice before. We now generally have him for one night or two in longer holidays. We plan special surprise days out or sometimes just playing in the garden, baking or making ‘things’ in the workshop with Pops. He calls our spare room his bedroom and his slippers have to stay under the bed. So now although we don’t see him so often we get quality time with him. Be flexible. As grandparents I feel we have to fit in with their family life but also be there to support when needed. ( he’s nearly 6)

Suzigran. Welcome to Gransnet, where all your problems are made smaller!

You should get to grips with Facetime, even if it's just a short chat every week or two. My DD lives in Australia, and has a 2 year old daughter. The 8 hour time difference makes it awkward, but we have a Facetime chat once a week, on her day off from work. Before I go to bed I have a breakfast chat with them, and it's a joy to see my little GD. She shows me her toys, reads me books and I catch up on what they are doing. She recognises me now, and is always pleased to see me. It's a bit sad when she asks me to come to her house, and she once said that 'Grandma lives in the phone', but I go to visit them as often as I can.

My two teenage GC, who returned to England with Mum when their parents split up also Facetime their Dad every Sunday morning, and keep the relationship going between his visits.

I would try to make the visit schedule less rigid, if possible. I think that the relationship with your GC will improve as they get older. It sounds as though they lead very busy lives. Just keep in touch as much as you can, without putting any pressure on them. As the GC get older you will probably find that they have more time for contact with you.

Good luck .

Suzigran nice to see you read all the replies to your post and responded. (OP - original poster but it’s not actually listed in Acronyms at the top of page).
Sometimes a new person posts, then never follows up, which is a bit annoying for those who took the trouble to give advice or share experiences. There are often lots of different opinions here and I feel I’ve learnt a lot by reading posts.

Everyone's situation is different. When my first child was born my in laws visited me in hospital on day 2. They were already making comments that suggested they were planning out her life. The following week MIL came for the day (she lived about 70 miles away) alone as FIL was working. During the visit she announced that she would be seeing my DD about every 6 weeks. I said nothing at the time but afterwards when she'd gone I told my husband I thought she was being unreasonable and it probably would have to be less. They had busy lives but always expected us to fit in when it suited them despite us having busy lives too. We had to start saying no and make it clear that they sometimes had to fit around our commitments. My own mother lived much further away and didn't drive so coming to visit was usually for a week in the summer and we visited once or twice a year too. In the end when MIL complained about not having seen us for a certain time I informed her how long it was since my mum had seen us. Frequency of visits has to work for everyone. I have friends who see their GC all the time but they live round the corner and help childcare. I've already told my DIL that my MIL taught me how not to be a MIL and that I hope she will reap the benefits. So far so good!

My DGC live 200 miles away. We see them roughly every six weeks - holidays and half term - as both parents as well as children are in the education system.

We are close to our DG and they are always over the moon when we arrive at their house or they get to ours.

Bonding has nothing to do with frequency. I was very close to one grandmother that at times I didn't see for several years because we lived in the Far East for some time.

@Suzigran Thank you for your words of encouragement -

I've never understood the "its easier with daughters" thing.I see all my GC and in fact my sons daughter stays with us part of the week and has since she was just over a year old.She'll be 10 on her birthday.I think if you have a good relationship with your son there wont be any reason why your relationship with his children will differ from that of your daughters children.Dont make problems for yourself if you dont have to .

Welcome, Suzie! I totally understand your wanting to see your gc more often. But, imo, you need to accept what works for the parents. Make your visits as memorable as possible and communicate in between, if possible, with FaceTime and so on (but not so much that it annoys the parents). What will be, will be, as far as your relationship with the kids. If you're a fun and loving gm, no doubt, they will always have fond memories of you, so no worries. Good that you appreciate that you get to see them, etc.

Maywalk that's interesting ! Do you want give out the website address & or your pen name ? I understand if not though.

Qwerty, ( and the others before ) thanks for your message, suggestions and encouragement.

Suzigran. Don't worry! We have 2 grandsons, our daughter's, who live a few miles away now. Until the eldest was 18 months they lived 4 hours away, he's 9 now and his brother is 7. We visited about once a month 'til they moved closer to us. Then we started on weekly visits as they fitted in. Our daughter has always worked, except for maternity leave, so we picked them both up ( my husband and I) initially from nursery, now from school. It might sound rigid, but they know Thursday is grandparents day, it saves on after school childcare and, crucially, we have a good relationship with them. Sometimes we see them more often for babysitting support, but I think weekly contact maintains a good relationship and encourages "bonding" which I agree is possible with grandparents. They may need you more for pick ups, babysitting as the children get a bit older.It Good luck.

I have WW2 website Suzie and written a few books.
Been on the net since I was 74.
I am glad that I know how to use the computer because I have cyber friends from worldwide and there is always someone to talk to apart from many groups inviting me to tell of my war years. Bless you for the nice comment.

Onesteobeyond I think the accolade should go to my father who brought me up.... but thank you for the thought !!
52bright thank you, you are quite right .

Maywalk how lovely and congratulations on having a great grand son and being tecnologically savvy as you must be.
I think as thus far I have had these gaps without Facetime it would feel strange and I don't like to add another 'task' at night when they (DIL/au pair & daddy if he's home in time) are desperate to get them to sleep.
Again I think if it was my daughter it would be different but maybe I'm being pessimistic on this.

Suzigran welcome to Gransnet.

If your DIL is happy with the fortnightly visiting arrangement I would stick with that. Parents who both work full time are very time poor and its important that they also have time at weekends as a family.

So often on these boards both here and on Mumsnet, we hear of tensions caused by a mismatch of expectations between parents and grandparents.

Don't worry about your relationship with your grandson. If you are a cheery presence at the school gate every fortnight he will look forward to seeing you. If you feel tense because of wishing for more or trying too hard he will sense that.

You seem sensible in your approach. I would go cheerfully with what is offered. Good luck.

Onestepbeyond, please don't think & feel it will turn out badly. Nothing is perfect but I'm sure your son will be keen for you to see your GC & DIL too if she is sensible.
Focus on the fact that your son is happy ? Sounds as if he is in a large ready made family which your GC will have the privilege of being part of. My family is basically me + younger son ( no children ) It is daunting at family gatherings/christenings of GC. However there's usually someone to talk to ! Your GC will love you as grandma, even if you don't see him/her/them so often. As you say skype, etc. and get on with life. I'm learning the ukulele & maybe GC might be inspired when they come also, planting seeds in the garden, crafts etc. later on. My 4 year old proudly told a visitor when I was at their house one day. I have 2 grannys ! I'm building up toys, equipment, books here for when they come to stay. Maybe you son will be able to bring GC on his own when they are older to give DIL a break. All sorts of future possibilities. I also buy clothes occasionally for the GC ( can't help myself) there are such lovely things about.