Frequency of visiting grandchildren

Mothers and daughters have a different bond of understanding so must be easier to care for your daughters children
Suggest DiL don’t need another mum so different relationship but all need support

We visit our GC perhaps once a month on average but this ranges from twice in a couple of weeks to about 8 weeks. The children are now 5 and 3 and are very close to us, especially Grandpa. We make a point of giving them as much of our attention as we can while we are there, as with two step children too, life can be very busy for them. Go for quality time and don’t worry about the gaps.

I always found that my grandchildren maintained familiarity with me based on fortnightly visits (none of them live near enough to make it practical to do more frequent) After starting school it became about once every 6 weeks - to fit with school holidays. My youngest is 2, and although we're now down to a visit a month, we do video chat in between which he enjoys. Can you do that? It's not so hard to fit that in for busy families as a full blown visit.

I now live about 10 miles from DD & family, we have no set "visiting times" just an informal arrangement where I call in if they're home when I'm in the area but this means I don't always see DGS1 who's almost 9. I do go over at weekends if it's convenient as it means DD can get on with washing etc. My eldest DGS & I have a close bond & this is also starting to happen with DGS2, 22 months old.

My DGS1 also has a close bond with my DM (his GGM) although he only sees her once a year. DGS1 is a very tactile child, DGS2 is not & will only hug when he's got 2 feet on the ground

aaargh that should be not (flowers)!!

Suzigran, I’m in a similar position, I babysit and do school pickup for a day alternate weeks or so. One grandchild rushes up to me, one can’t walk yet but seems happy to see me, and the five year old seems shy initially but then is happy.

My son in laws mother visits for a long weekend frequently, which I don’t do (I would be happy to but the other granny is somewhat pushy, she has upset the young couple with her insistence on staying so frequently but they don’t know how to tell her, I was told) so I don’t think it’s entirely to do with mother/daughter or mother/DiL relationships but with individuals. The other granny also insists on doing all the overnight babysitting, and has told our grandchildren that she is better at it than me!

I saw my grandmother frequently as a child until my family moved for work reasons, and then we saw her six weekly. I loved her totally, the gaps between visits didn’t matter.

You have your family to stay for Christmas etc, which is fantastic. As I said, lots of it is to do with individuals - and your grandson loves you. Hope it all keep working out.

?✅

Suzigran, I don't think its necessarily easier with daughters children but certainly a different relationship. All of my adult children & grandchildren live nearby and I see them often. Before any of the GC arrived, someone once commented to me that the maternal grandmother is always going to be Number 1 Granny. Not necessarily true but I took it on board. I offer lots of practical help and support to my DIL and it is warmly received just as it is by my 3 daughters. What has been lovely in our family is a WhatsApp group for sharing day to day stuff, photos, the funny things that quickly get forgotten. It takes very little setting up but keeps us all close. I think you are doing a really great job Suzigran(flowers), enjoy it for what it is. They grow up so fast!

My parents lived about 2 hrs away when my children were growing up and my husband's parents about 5 hours away. I would not have wanted fortnightly visits even if they had only been an hour away. This is a personal thing, not a "daughter" or "son" thing.
I loved my parents dearly, but I had my own family and I didn't want to "give up" so much family time to visits. Maybe this was selfish, and certainly my parents would have loved it. This doesn't mean that they didn't matter to us, they really did.
My children remember them fondly and sometimes chat about them and the things they did or said. You will soon see that your grandchildren love you too. Just because they are shy at first doesn't mean they are forgetting you, and as someone else said, as they get older you will inevitably have different relationships with them.
Enjoy the time you have together now. I expect it will be much harder when they are teenagers with even busier schedules!

Suzigran, you mentioned that your grandson seems shy as you are collecting him from nursery. Is it possible that he’s “winding down” from his day? I seem to recall doing that after school.

Just a suggestion: you mentioned a few times it might easier if this were your daughter. Have you tried coordinating visits with your son? I don’t have kids, but as The Lady of the House, I will admit to feeling frustrated with the expectation to coordinate all visits and holidays, remember birthdays and anniversaries, etc. for both sides of the family. (And we both have very small families!) I might also have a heart-to-heart with both parents to see if the frequency of visits still works for them.

Oh no, Suzigran, I assure you it's far from energetic due to disability and visual handicap. But I can show him how to make 3-ingredient shortbread (his favourite) or make savoury pin wheels from a roll of flaky pastry spread with tomato paste, grated cheese and finely chopped onion (or the sweet version : melted butter, brown sugar and cinnamon).
Our crafty are low key too.

Here's one you can share with your gs at any age. Cut the bottom off a plastic bottle. Tie a hanky or other cloth securely over the hole. Damp it, put a thin layer of washing up liquid on a plate and dip the cloth end into it. Get the child to blow through the bottle top. Foam Snake!!! Lovely in the sunshine.

We saw Mum's parents every month or so and Dad's parents a few times a year when I was growing up (we live in Canada so there was considerable distance involved). Now, we see my parents every few months and Hubby's parents every couple of years (they are in the UK; we are in Canada). Our daughter knows all of her grandparents and so did we.

Every 2 weeks is really a lot from my perspective. As the children get older, and start doing activities, you may find that even this becomes less realistic.

I agree that it's quite possible your GS is just shy. Children that age can often be quite shy.

Thanks lemongrove, that is reassuring.

BradfordLass72, thank you, glad to know your GS enjoys crafts, games, cooking etc. while staying with you, sounds very energetic though ...I'll be that much older then

Thanks for these ideas/tips etc. will hang in there and expect my son can bring them down on his own when they're old enough - to give DIL a break. I see him when they come & stay with me - alt Christmas's, & occasional weekends/bank hols. Nanny to bring them, now there's an idea ![hmm} They have an au pair at the moment while DIL is at home with new babe, then there will be a new nanny when she returns to work.

Yeah, in that case, it does sound like you could approach your son about weekend visits since like you say, you won't see him otherwise.

I wonder if you might be able to see a little more of your gc in their school holidays? Yes, I know they are not at school yet but when the eldest goes (and time will fly) it may be that the Nanny can bring them across for a whole day's outing to you and you could do fun things like picnic, crafts or swim etc.

My very first summer holiday with my youngest (the others are post-teen) we made a wonderful castle from a fridge/freezer box and he kept it for over a year and played and ate in it all that time)

I don't see my youngest grandchild very often, occasional weekends during term time, because he has so many extra-curricular activities most weekends.

During school holidays though, he's eager to come and stay and we have wonderful times doing crafts and games and cooking.

So hang on, continue with the bond you already have, and then build on it when you have more opportunities.

All ours live locally, but we only see the younger DGC about once a fortnight.We have no problem with bonding, they rush up to us for a hug.So don’t worry unduly about this, as once a fortnight is enough.

I think a lot of us see less of the GCs than previous generations. Mainly due to both parents working, people having children later in life and the many activities that are available to the children.

I was quite involved with the eldest of mine as I helped out a lot with childcare. The little ones, not nearly as much. I would like to be close to them but we are more seen as visitors. Of course the oldest ones are now working and I rarely see them.

It is a fact of life I’m afraid but I do sympathise with how you feel.

Why not become more flexible with visiting and ask your son if you can see them on a weekend day then? Not every weekend, or every visit, but once a month/every other month. That way you would see him as well.

And your DIL might appreciate him taking all the kids off her hands for a few hours if he takes them to you.

No, I always visit on a weekday as I'm conscious that they need family time at weekends as you rightly say.
This means though that I don't see my son then as he never gets back from work before 7pm.

If you are getting EOW (Every Other Weekend) visits, that's actually a pretty common frequency of contact for a non-custodial parent.

I would say that's pretty good for a grandparent.

I would only observe that if two parents in a family are working full time/close to full time, the weekends are the only time the whole family has to be together in the daytime, and I too would be reluctant to surrender that parents-and-child-only time every weekend to grandparents, aunties etc.

My in laws have an EOW schedule by agreement with DH, and since DH works six days a week, this means every other weekend we have no 'family day' at all. I know they want every Sunday as 'their day' but I don't feel that's fair and I haven't agreed to it. It would mean my children are only seeing their father a few hours per week, and I strongly feel their relationship and bond with their father needs to be prioritised over their relationship with grandparents.

Perhaps I am wrong about this, however. Every family is different.

BlueBelle - Have to make arrangements in advance, being a distance away & all having busy lives or we'd never meet. Also, yes, it would be more relaxed/easy with your own daughter, I imagine, to arrange visits..?!

Yes, good point, sodapop, we are lucky people !

Thanks for these suggestions. I will certainly think about more flexibility and maybe it is off putting to have this fixed timing ( although, it doesn't always work out with their holidays, fixtures etc. & mine ) - good to hear from the other perspective too - Newmom101 - yes, I can overthink sometimes... Good to hear you have a good relationship with you GC living abroad tanith. We tried Facetime when eldest GS was younger but I wasn't used to it or keen on it then & nor was he, so it petered out ! Maybe time to reconsider.

Yes I would agree you are over thinking this. Maybe you could be more flexible with your visits and contact them in different ways. You will always be their Grandma you don't need to work so hard at it.