Frequency of visiting grandchildren

I would never visit anyone without first checking whether it would be convenient for me to call in. I once hid behind the settee when someone arrived unannounced and it was really inconvenient to see them.

My beloved BIL bought me a decorative plaque for our last house when we moved.

It read "Friends Welcome Anytime, Family Strictly By Appointment"

I never had the nerve to put it up but it gave me an almighty laugh every time I thought of it.

I always ask if it's convenient to visit. I have a sister who just drops in. I love to see her but it's not always the best time. I remember once calling unexpectedly to my mum and she had just lay down on the settee with cucumber on her eyes. She smiled but I'm sure she wasn't happy. Poor mum, about to relax. Its not fair to turn up without saying.

“I flatly refuse to do that..the child is part of that household and if it’s convenient to visit I say go”

The key words here are “if it’s convenient”. You find that out by calling ahead to arrange something. It’s not about timed visits, it’s about being a considerate guest/extended family member.

I don’t really understand today’s culture..what’s this all about ‘timed visits’..A grand parent should not have to make appointments to visit their sons/daughters house..I flatly refuse to do that..the child is part of that household and if it’s convenient to visit I say go As long as you don’t interfer with the relationships or the running of the house then so be it..it’s not like your asking to move in and like someone else said learn to skype. It’s a small word now and we need never be too far apart from any friend or family.

I have just come across this series of messages so please forgive me if I'm saying something that's been said before.

My only GC was born after I was eligible for state pension and, as his parents were both working full-time, I decided to retire and move near to them. We have been so lucky in that it has worked well for all of us. Mum and Dad have been able to continue in their jobs (with some variations in hours) and initially I looked after DGS every weekday. Since he started school I collect him from there each Friday during term time and he stays overnight with me, which gives his parents time to 'do their own thing'. I am also available to help with doctor/dentist appointments etc and school holidays when other set of grandparents (who live abroad) are not always able to visit. I know I am lucky to have this opportunity and enjoy it immensely. Equally his parents are appreciative and include everyone at every opportunity, while also keeping time for just the three of them. Sounds almost too good to be true but DGS has an incurable neurological disorder, which was diagnosed six years ago, and it's hard work at times for all of us.

Summerlove , it happens easily, I have done it myself.

Sorry Monica, I did. I apologize.

I suppose those of us who rarely see our grandchildren don't understand the problem. I listen to people saying they only get to collect their grandchild and spend some time with them once a week or fortnight and I have tears in my eyes and such a deep sense of longing and am so envious. I have just looked at photos of my grandsons in their World Book Day costunes and have bought them sone Spring clothes to post and birthday presents ( no chance of being at birthday parties) and am crossing my fingers that I get to see them at Easter- health permitting. I have collected one grandson once from school. I have seven grandchildren. There are many like me.

i see my GD once a month i have her for a day (other nanna has her another day as DD only works 2 fridays a month) is it possible you could do something like that? to help with childare costs or to give mum a break? we facetime when DG wants to speak to nanny and she tells me she loves me and adore her. i wish i could see her more. but we have a great relationship she knows what room is nannys room and comes and gets in bed with me when im there and we play silly games ahhhh i love that bit

Sorry, Summerlove you misunderstand me, I was not describing you as sanctimonious, but those who made the argument you quote and dismiss in your first post above.

Then I’ll be sanctimonious.

The OPs problems don’t become any less severe because someone else can’t see their grandkids.

Ftr, not seeings ones grandkids at all could be considered a first world problem. It flips just as well.

Summerlove.I have seen that very argument made on GN. It is called 'First world problems'. An argument that can only be made by the sanctimonious.

Oh yes, please do tell the OP that her problems aren’t real problems because other people have don’t see their grand kids. ?

You might as well say they are starving kids in Africa, so no ones problems are valid.

At least you see your grandchildren, have a chance to watch them grow from babies to toddlers to little people, young people, adults. Spare a thought for those who don't see their grandchildren, through no fault of their own, for there are many of us in that position. Count your blessings.

Thanks for your posts & suggestions & experiences. All so different & interesting; thank goodness human beings are adaptable & can thrive in so many different ways. ?

I see a lot of interesting suggestions here, but your twice a week schedule is based on picking up the child from daycare and meeting her for lunch. Then entertaining the child in the park. Having a set day of the week for that is important for the mom. Kids classes and stuff are 'always on Tuesday at 4pm'. If anything, the mom might appreciate you doing the pickup every Thursday but only meeting you for lunch every second week. Let you play with the 4 yr old for the afternoon. I would not ask for "change" but I would ask her if it is working well for her. Ask her if there is something you could do differently that would help? Let her come to you with the changes... but let her know she can think about it for awhile. Three kids means she is tired and might not be thinking about what would be helpful at the time... it might take her a day or 7 to think "hey, I wonder if grandma could help with X". Let her know you are open to suggestions.

A big thing for moms is being particular how they want things done. I would ask if things are working for her and if there's anything she'd like handled a bit different. If she doesn't don't take it personal. The thing to remember is that she likes and trust you enough to have you pickup her kid AND she has lunch with you every second week!! My mother sees my kids once every few months... and that is at MY urging.

On the Dad part... he is your kid and I'm sure you'd like to see him. So, why don't you suggest something to him separate from your arrangements with the grandkids. Ask him if he (and grandkids) would be up for doing something every so often on a weekend or whatever. Once a month? Once every 2 months? Start by trying to setup ONE meetup with (or without) the grandkids and see how it goes.

At this point in their life I would suggest WITH the grandkids (or some of them) so mom gets a break. Even if it is to collect coffees and take the kids to the park or a weekend playgroup. Check out community centres for organized playgroups where parents can meet.

Yes, kids go through phases of being shy.
TIP: Create a regular Hello routine. Something you do when you first see him every time. Just between you and him. It will become familiar routine that helps him become comfortable quick. I still remember some things my uncles used to do when they greeted me as a kid... will never forget.

Until I came on GN I never realised how many grandparents live near their chidren and grandparents.

As a child I did not live near my grandparents or other extended family and neither did any of my friends live near theirs. When I became a parent, none of the other families that lived around me, had parents who lived locally. When my first DGC came along I thought it quite novel for her to have a grandparent that lived within a couple of miles. We, of course, live several hundred miles away.

That is a long journey to do in one day- two hours each way. On reflection, perhaps if like me you stayed now and again for a few days eg at Easter or half-term it might be good for getting closer to them.
Its hard nowadays. Many families are scattered. My children grew up in a street with lots of extended family and I feel I have lost out with ny gc. Unfortunately that's life. You've just got to make the best of it.

CanadianGran I travel for 2 hours, collect GS from preschool at lunchtime. We usually all have lunch together (DIL, GS) then I play with 4 yr old, ( quiet time not always though ! ) then we go out to the playground, sometimes he takes his scooter or bike. if wet we go to a cafe and have a drink & snack together which we both enjoy !
I used to stay overnight before they had a nanny or au pair but actually find it easier to go up for the day by train without overnight bag to carry. Also, didn't see much of GS the next day as he was off to nursery.
Thanks all for your posts

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Jinty that's what I do. My 2 young Gsons live in England. I send little newsy letters with money and sometimes make up parcels of treats. The boys love getting them. When I visit they're shy at first but by second day everything is fine and its like the months in between don't matter.

So to understand, you travel for 2 hours and stay at your other son's house, but go for a visit to the son with the children? Do you stay for dinner then overnight at your other son?
That does seem a lot of work for you. Too bad the kids weren't old enough for you to take out to the park, or swimming at a local pool, then you could give the parents an bit of a break. The oldest one should be though, then he can have a bit of something to look forward to.

Thanks for these posts. Must have been upsetting for you when GD just wanted mum. Lovely to hear you have a great relationship now.
I don’t stay over when visiting GS except for special occasions, really half a day as I collect from nursery pre school at lunchtime.