Anxious (jealous) new grandmother

Dalfie, I don't think you're being unreasonable with your feelings at all. What you are feeling is a very natural emotion, especially for the mother of a son. I've been in exactly the same position myself, in fact, I could've written your post! When I had my own children, I only wanted help from my own mother, not my MiL, so I totally understand and appreciate that that's what most new mothers would want. However, having recently become a first-time grandmother myself, I know how those feeling of jealously can creep in, even if you don't intend them to. When my grandchild was born, I had absolutely no desire, or intention, to encroach on the the special 'mother/daughter' relationship of my DiL and her own mother. However, what I would like to say to all daughters-in-law, and their mothers, is that the experience of becoming a grandparent means just a much, and is just as special and important for paternal grandparents as they are for maternal grandparents. Sadly, paternal grandparents all too often feel pushed out, and whilst this is no doubt not always intentional, quite frankly it is heartbreaking for them. I also have a daughter who is yet to have a child. Her partner's parents only have sons. I know that, if/when they eventually have a child, I will do my utmost to include his parents every step of the way, as I would never want them to feel the way that my DiL's mother made me feel. Take the good advice of some of the other posters, and let your son and DiL know that you are willing to offer your help and assistance if they want it. Put a smile on your face, and enjoy the experience of becoming a grandmother! Don't let bitterness or jealousy get in the way of your relationship with your son, DiL and new grandchild ... you will have many years of enjoyment ahead of you to look forward to.x

I understand you are feeling anxious and perhaps a bit jealous. I'm sure this is normal and good for you for trying to deal with it. As a mother with the first grandchild on both sides, I think I have a valuable perspective for you. I think my anecdote will help you to behave in a way that will foster a better relationship with both your GC and your son/DIL in the long term. I wish someone had told my Ils this before my daughter was born. Our previously wonderful relationship is sadly quite rocky now.

Anyway, here it is: there is a big difference between a grandparent who is there to stake a claim on the baby/ feels entitled to the baby, and a grandparent who is there to support the new parents (in particular the new mother who is recovering physically and hormonally from pregnancy). When I was in labor+ postpartum my own mother cared about me. She was excited and cared about the baby too, but her main concern was supporting me. In contrast, my MIL brought my husband a bottle of wine to drink at the hospital as if my giving birth was a spectator sport. And when I got an epidural on my third day of being in labor, MIL's response was "isn't that going to hurt the baby?". When I finally gave birth, I have a distinct memory of sitting on my hospital bed watching MIL take a ton of photos of the baby with my husband, her other son, FIL, and herself but none with me (this behavior continues 3 years later btw) but I said nothing as I didn't want to seem petty or selfish. But, it was obvious I was just the incubator.

Even after that, I tried hard to include both sets of grandparents equally in the beginning. It was to the point, even though we could've seen both grandmas, we spent my first Mother's Day as a brand new mom only with my MIL because I did not want her to worry about being excluded (didn't celebrate with my own mom until a month later). I tried that kill-it-with-kindness approach for a few months but after that I couldn't take it anymore. Anytime we'd see MIL+FIL they would all but shove me out of the way to get to the baby no matter how often we saw them. Didn't seem to have any consideration for us as new parents, didn't help with housework or anything like that. I couldn't hold my own baby without them trying to pull her out of my arms or get in her face. It seemed like the only thing they care(d) about was getting our daughter to love them best. My own mom, on the other hand, would bring us food and clean my entire house while I held my own baby. To this day, my ILs act desperate over our daughter, but don't seem to have an interest in having a relationship with me unless it's to get to my daughter (they're better with DH, but still not great). According to them, everything about dd comes from their side of the family, too. There is a strong possibility the reason they act possessive and obsessive over her is they feel competitive with my parents in the way you describe in your post. Whatever the reason, they see us far less than they would if they would back off dd and focus on enjoying time with us as a family.

I think it will serve you well in the long run if you stop worrying about who gets the baby when and start thinking about how you can support your son/DIL during a very vulnerable time in their lives. Time with the baby will follow naturally. Babies don't remember which grandma was there when they were 3 weeks old. But new moms and dads absolutely remember which family members were truly supportive and those are the people whom they will trust with that precious bundle. Best of luck, I think your heart is in the right place, just need to channel that love in a different direction.

"I stayed to help my dd, spending time with dgd was incidental."

This sentence says it all.

I just wanted to warn th OP that forceful grannies can take over under the guise of being helpful. I know my dgd loves me too but its a worry and eveyone else should beware of what can happen

It is also possible that the parents are throwing up their hands and about ready to give other granny a piece of their mind about so many gifts.

Ethel the other grans "method" isnt sustainable. Teens are savvy, they see through insincerity and cant be so easily bribed/bought. You just keep being you & genuine and that will shine through in the long run

Beware of other forceful grannies. My dgd is now 6 and told me the other gran is her best gran. My name is not granma but mrs . The other gran has spent thousands over 6 years . Every visit dgd gets plied with sweets toys and electronic games. I restrict toys to birthday xmas and as a reward occasionally. Therefore she much prefers the other one. It it heartbreaking.

Mother of one child a son.
He had his first child last year
My DIL is lovely and they do love each other
I just sometimes miss my son.
He is very good at having lunch with me once a month or so at his instigation (have to say I think it is his wife who reminds him of his mum , she is also a good DIL as well as wife)
I see their family about once every two or three weeks.
We have WhatsApp and have photos and messages
Her mum , apart from her husband , is her mainstay
Her mum even when she, the mother, was working full time would bring over dinners and lunches for the week. My DILs mother (wish there was a shorter term ) is absolutely amazing and friendly so is her husband.
However i totally understand where you are coming from cause I was/am the same
No idea if I will be part of the baby sitting roster though I do think unlikely
However my son is happy and there is no estrangement, her family are delightful sooo I kinda think my grandson has definitely come into a caring extended family and will know everyone loves him
Hope that makes sense and helps

As the mother of two daughters, I was probably guilty of having more than my fair share of seeing/looking after the grandkids. I suppose daughters feel more comfortable with their own mother, as she knows you better than anyone else. I could be ‘myself’ with my own mum, but there is always an element of trying to be ‘the woman who is good enough’ for your mil.

But remember, it can sometimes be a curse as well as a blessing as you will be the one who is expected to look out for the grandkids at any family do’s. No more relaxing and letting your hair down, you will be the one to stay sober and not being able to relax in case said children go off or fall over or.........

Just remember to be the best grandma you can be when you have them. Have fun and lots of cuddles and they will likely be asking to go to your more often when they are older. Remember, it’s not a competition.

I have both sons and a daughter so have experienced being a mother and mother in law.As a mum my first thought was the well being of my daughter during the birth and after.As a mother in law the baby was the focus then my daughter in law.My daughter in law has a lovely supportive mum and naturally wanted initially her mum to be around more.I did feel as a new grandma I had to tread carefully and have a more visitor role although I did wash pots etc.It was so much easier with my daughter as I instinctively knew what she would want me to do.In the early days I concentrated on the chores giving her and her partner chance to bond with the baby.It all worked out well my daughter in law is back at work and I am involved in the baby's care.My daughter is still on maternity leave enjoying the baby.If I had any advice it would be in the early days to visit and help little and often.Do not give advice unless it is asked for and be friendly and smiley towards your daughter in laws mum.As another poster has said the young couple may find her mum a bit over whelming.When baby is born they will do things their own way.At the actual wedding every one will want to help to look after the little one and this will happen naturally.You will make your own relationship with the baby.

@Chucky and @25Avalon are right. She is recovering so her mother wants to be around and help her. When the baby is older and she isn't still recovering you will be included as much as her, try not to worry and honestly the first year will fly by!

When you weren't well who did you turn to for comfort - your mum or your mil? In times of stress most of us run to our mums for comfort and I am sure that is what is happening here with your dil. I don't think it is deliberately to exclude you so please don't let yourself think that way. It may be when baby is born the young couple won't want her mum round so much is she is going to dominate and interfere. So bite down on that jealousy and appear kind, helpful and reasonable and be there for when they need you as I am sure will happen at some time. Also congratulations and concentrate on the positive of having a dear gc.

Maybe you could ask if you could pop around once a fortnight with a meal all ready to go in oven and see baby. Give them time once baby arrives as new Mum will be tired and need to rest especially if breast feeding and getting up in night.

P.s. my MIL became the gran I preferred having around precicely BECAUSE she wasnt the forceful, posessive one.

My own mother elbowed in too much when I was a new mum and we ended up not liking having her around. MIL was however always welcome because she was less bullish when it came to the kids.

I think other grandmas "forcefullness" might back fire to be honest. They might not end up WANTING to hand over their baby quite so much as she is expecting...

Focus on being as supportive as you can, ask them what they need rather than impose the "help" you want to give IYKWIM and you will build a good relationship with the little family long term

Unfortunately I read so many of these stories on GN. I do feel that you have to come to terms with the fact that DIL will always need her Mum first, I know it’s difficult situation but you will get to see the baby soon I am sure your DS will want you to.
My niece has the opposite situation she cannot get her MIL to come round that often to see our lovely great niece.
She came round the weekend my niece said would you like to feed her baby is a year now and starting on solids, she fed the baby a couple of spoonfuls and that was it. I have seen pictures on FB of FIL cuddling her but not MIL.

Be just as forceful back she will soon quieten down when you stand up to her

Being nearby you'll be well placed to help with lots of little things for your DIL, meals, cooking for the freezer, washing, maybe helping out with lifts to appointments if she has a C Section, offering to do things for her, but not getting upset if things are rejected, another time she may feel she can ask, another time she may be that knackered she would love for you to come round so she can have a shower, or to help clear the backlog of whatever household chore is needed. Don't criticise, don't give advice, tell her what a wonderful mum she is, what a great job she's doing, things are different nowadays, and you're keen to do things her way. Don't go round at a time when the baby is probably going to be sleeping, she'll have things she wants to do, and don't expect to be entertained, or have cuppas made for you. Make her one and one for yourself as well, and bring cake! Don't try and compete with her mum, do things when she is not there, unless invited otherwise. You'll have a chance to have cuddles I'm sure, and you'll be building up a relationship and be turning into a lovely MIL!

Quality not quantity is what builds the best relationships. Take what you're offered with joy and good grace and then cuddle and giggle to your hearts content.

My daughter gave birth to her 1st child, a girl, 2 weeks ago. Her partner’s mother seems to think it is unfair if I see more of dgd than she does! I went in to sit and support my dd whilst her partner went home for a shower and change of clothing after the birth (2 day labour). Her partner’s mother on finding I had spent 3 hours with dd and dgd decided that she would stay 3 hours as well, and spend most of that time cuddling dgd, which annoyed my dd as she was exhausted and really just wanted to spend time with her partner and their dd. I also stayed that night, again to support dd, so her partner could go home and get some sleep, which mil was unhappy about! I stayed to help my dd, spending time with dgd was incidental. The only time I had my dgd was to change her nappy, wind her and pass her between cot and bed as dd was still very sore! I also went into the neonatal ward, to sit with dgd, for a few hours so dd and her partner had a break.
Since they got home, I have made them their evening meal, again which partners dm (according to dd) wasn’t happy with, but she hasn’t offered any help! She doesn’t seem to realise that it is the parents, not dgd, I am helping. I have said to them that I’m happy for them to eat and run, which they do.
When dd’s partner returns to work next week, I have offered to help my dd, so she can get a rest etc, if she has a bad night, which again I know will annoy the other grandmother. The thing is that I will only be there to help, whereas other gm comes to visit, with what that entails and causes extra work (making coffee, sandwiches etc.) for dd.
So yes op, YABVVU. Stop being jealous, just make it clear that you are there if they need you. Make sure when you visit that you are happy to be hands on, whether it is washing the dishes, hanging washing out or helping with the baby. Don’t just go to sit and do nothing except hold the baby, my mil was like that (including lifting baby out of pram to wake them up as soon as my back was turned, when I had just got them down to sleep) and I really resented her.
If you make it clear you are there to help, you should get on fine!

Congratulations! With 3 DILs (and a DD) I absolutely realise that a MIL takes second place to the other Granny (even if secretly I know they’re not as capable/efficient/nice/good humoured as myself - joke!) It’s okay, honestly, just accept everything with a genuine smile and always let DIL you’re happy and available to work in with everyone else. Make good friends with the other granny and never ask your DS anything that you can ask your DIL (because he will tell her anyway). You sound like a lovely person and I think you’ll have really happy family times ahead.

I felt horrib ly jealous of 'the other granny' when my first GC was born - she was already an experienced granny and knew what she was doing! Then my son anf DiL went to live with them during their move, and now live just round the corner from DiL's parents.

As the DGCs have grown, I've found I have my own relationship with them - a wise friend told me this would happen and it has. Children don't put a limit on how many people they love, they don't choose a favourite granny, and there is room for everyone. Also, 'other granny' is a lovely person who's been very kind to my son, and I'm really glad she's in my son and grandchildren's lives.

Make sure your son and daughter in law know that you're willing to help out, and don't let your jealousy override all the other, nicer feelings that will come when you meet your grandchild.

Oh Dalfie .... don’t despair. When my first grandson was born 11 years ago my daughter and her hubby joked that I could have him on the Saturdays and other grandma could have him on sundays as they were both working full time. As it happens my SILaw mum died when little one was just a year old and I felt so much for her and what she missed. But since then I sometimes feel that the constant childminding ( there’s two of them now) is an enormous pressure.... my husband is useless and will never turn his hand to anything ; even though I say I’m doing it for the family’s future... he just shrugs and says it’s my own fault. Well perhaps he’s right but I’d rather be useful than utterly useless,! Anyway point being you will get lots of opportunity to see and look after the little one and grab every chance ; but also remember that childminding can get a little bit too much as the years and the kids roll of the assembly line. Don’t forget there’s life outside that of family, and you need to look to your friends and make time for them as well. Happy grandma-hood and enjoy it all.

I have no qualms about the ‘order’ of events a couple choose maxdecatt I just think it’s better once children are involved that the parents are still together.

I think it is natural to worry that you DIL's mum will take over the baby completely, - she's certainly heading that way, by what you say.

If she is so domineering, I expect your son and daughter-in-law will appreciate you being more cautious in you approach. They've already said they will appreciate your help when your DIL goes back to work, just look forward to that.

Right now, don't worry, just enjoy being a grandma.