That's it then. Finito.

@Lavazza1st I shall be thinking of you. I do admire how you have managed to get through her visit and keep outwardly calm and dignified. You clearly have a lot of insight into the situation. I hope you have someone to talk to who understands. It's a shock, even to those of us who know about these things, when such a person comes into our family circle. She is the mother of your grandson and that must be very hard for you. I do hope and pray that your son finds a path through this and that some good comes from it all. God bless you. Much love Elle

@Tillybelle thanks for that. Yes it has helped to share what happened, its helped me feel reassured and helped me to accept it and start to move on with life.
Ever since we knew they were having a baby, we looked forwards to meeting him- regularly talked on video phone and built up a relationship with him that way before finally meeting him. We noted that DiL rarely spoke on video phone but thought she was shy- never had an inkling that she would be like she was, but I guess she was saving it for "in person"! If we had got to know her on videophone I think we would have realised it wouldn't work, so that's a lesson learned.
I have a lot of experience of people with personality disorders, so I do feel DiL has one, sadly. I have not and would not say that to DS though. If he wants us we are here...Relatives who have met her say they think it will "end in tears" and cannot see a future for this relationship long term.
DH and I are always here if he needs help. He still has possessions here, so it's possible he might return for them after she has gone back. I just don't know... He might even want to live with us again, but without her. It will be hard for him to rent a property as he does not have a checkable work history due to living and working in China for so long- so he may have to come back and live here. Only time will tell.

agnurse So sorry to hear about your sister.

I completely agree with what you've said. It does not help at all for parents to get involved. I would just add the caveat that they need to keep in touch in an entirely open and ordinary way, such as she does with her other son. I do keep saying, sounding like the voice of doom, and feeling quite awful to be the one saying it, that her son has to know he can turn to his parents if he needs help. Somehow she needs to make sure he knows that they are always there, whatever he needs.

BlueBelle. I respect your comments, here and on other threads. I think that Lavazza!st needed to "speak" to someone, because she had so many distressing emotions and memories and is so upset about her son and his family. It is natural to turn for help when you have experienced a protracted period of terrible stress. Often when it has ended, we feel somehow worse because nothing feels resolved. I am not surprised she turned to GNet because, as I have found, there is always a broad range of experience and so much kind support to draw on here. I hope she has support near her and that she might think of seeking counselling. As I said earlier, the experiences that she suffered at the hands of the DIL suggest the DIL is something more than simply an awkward person going through a difficult patch. This might mean that her son will need her support as time goes by. It is extremely sad, but people do have these conditions and they do upset everyone with whom they come into close contact.

@Anja thanks for adding your experience. Sorry to hear things got very fraught for you with your daughter and family. Also the pain in the backside French Student. Goes to show to that even though as hosts we bend over backwards, relationships do take effort from both sides.

@nurse thanks, yes I am waiting for him to contact us. I have no idea how things will end up, but it certainly helps to talk about it and get feedback from others who may have experienced similar things or not.
I was estranged from my parents when I was his age because my parents and husband fell out. Looking back, my parents were in the right, as I believe we are- and we were 20 something and very selfish as many of that age are.
I'm not involved in their relationship, but obviously really glad it no longer affects us. It really is up to DS to do whatever he feels is right and Im sure one day he will be in contact even if it takes years. Thanks for agreeing that we've been treated appallingly. We think so too and our younger ones are so relieved that the house is restored to it's former home like feeling.

Long term, I hope DS finds a way to be happy, with someone who truly respects, supports and champions him. I'm not sure it will be her, but if it is then that will be best for their child.

It is very hard when people are staying long term with anyone. When my daughter and family stayed with us for three months after returning from NZ things got very fraught. I was thankful when they found their own house and left.

Also at one time we had French students for extended work placements. Most were lovely and blended in well but one (the only girl) was a pain in the backside.

Try to enjoy having your house back and keep in touch with your son at least. It’s been a bad experience but time to move on.

So both your sons have Chinese wives? One you like, one you don’t
The pubic hair story sounds ridiculous
She’s left but that’s still not right, you’re still into their business
I think no one comes out of this sounding very good and really wonder why you would want to air this sorry story
You said in your last thread you wished your son would get a job and they could move on, well thats all happened now so you need to get back to your own busy life and let them sort themselves out

@Madmum38 Yes she knew as far as I know...I dont know why she was upset except that my son said she wanted to be a full time parent, but we thought she wanted to be a career girl. At first she stayed in the bedroom all the time and DS said she was working. I was not so sure...but apparently she'd said "I have to work more because you don't have a job" to DS. I felt like she was behaving in an emasculating way as he still needed support and time to look for work. I ended up helping him look after GS because he was run ragged. I kept asking him "why are you doing everything?" and he wouldn't answer...I pointed out that relationships should be two way and he didn't respond...It was truly hard to see that he was her slave.

When he started work, she continued to try (and fail) to press my buttons, leave messes and refuse to even clean the highchair...she wouldnt eat with us or speak to us. So when she lied about us not letting her in the house we weren't surprised. It was all a ruse to poison the relationship between us and our son, so she could go back to China, apparently. I think she expected us to throw money at her but we already kitted them out with all the baby equipment, a bed, clothes and toys- everything they could possibly need for their stay. Nothing was good enough for her even though I know it's all better names and quality than she had in China...just so ungrateful and odd.

I'm sorry. I definitely agree that you've been treated appallingly. Sadly, this is similar in many respects to how the estrangement began between my parents and my sister and BIL.

For now, I'd suggest waiting to see what happens. Wait for your son to contact you. Above all, please stay out of your son and DIL's relationship. When parents get involved in an AC's relationship it never ends well.

Ultimately, your son is an adult. He will need to decide for himself what he wants to do. It does sound as if she may have experienced some culture shock and there's no way to know for sure what it was he did tell her about moving to the UK.

I do hope the situation ends favourably for you.

Did she realise that you son had come here to find a job and I presume by him doing so they would settle here? Maybe she thought it was just a break to be able to see you and introduce you to your grandson and then got upset when she realised

@CanadianGran so glad your situation improved! I agree, relationship problems are never one sided. I'm sure my son is overwhelmed, having just started a new job and having his wife complaining, no doubt. I'm not surprised he hasn't been in contact, he probably has too much to think about.
My husband and me just had a conversation where we said we could imagine her dumping the baby on my son at the last minute at the airport. She has always said she does not want to fly back with him on her own "because she won't get a break" and she will be exhausted after a whole week of looking after a 17 month old she has no experience of. He is literally into everything and she will be run ragged. We are hoping for our son's sake that she decides not to take him because he would be able to be a single parent, work full time and could use a chld minder or day nursery plus we could help him.
We obviously might be just getting our hopes up, but there is something in me that can't believe he's going. My son does all the childcare anyway and my GS adores him, so I think this would be the best option...She is not maternal and he'll suffer if hes not got his Dad...

I'm so sorry to hear the way the situation has ended. My son's relationship with his girlfriend was very rocky at the start, and I think she had post-partum depression since she couldn't cope very well with baby. His work situation did not help since he was gone for extended time in work camps for the oil fields. She ended up going back to her mum's for a few months.
At the time they lived in the next province to ours (a 16 hour drive by car) so there was not a lot I could do to help.
They did end up back together, and had another child, and now live in the same town as us. His work is now stable, he is home every day, but it was still a hard transition for her away from her family and friends.

Looking back, I think it was unreal expectations of being a mother, along with post-partum depression. Long dark Canadian winters being stuck in a small apartment with a baby did not help. Her mother was nearby so I think it was easy for her to escape to her mother's home.

Relationships issues are never one sided. It sounds like your son also needs to work on communicating, and of course the cultural differences are overwhelming. Perhaps there is some hope for them yet. Your son must be broken-hearted as I'm sure you are. Please encourage them to get some counselling, and I hope your son maintains contact with his son.

Maybe you should read all the posts Bradfordlass

@grannybuy oh. To us that's awful, but its a cultural difference I was well aware of. My son kept assuring me that his wife wanted to be a full time Mum both before they came and during their stay. But I saw no evidence of it...I wish he was more in touch with the truth.

My DD is currently working with a young Chinese mum whose two year old is back in China with her parents. She is astonished that British mums manage to bring up children and work as well.

@Cold No they don't allow dual nationality so the boy was registered Chinese at birth, but my son said he was going to get it changed to English asap after they arrived in England because they want to live in England...That was always "the plan", he said. But I'm not sure she ever knew or agreed, now. I don't really know what to think now.

@tooyoungtobeagrandma so sorry to hear that, but glad you can be nc with her! My son only has one friend...and he isn't allowed to drink alcohol either. When they were staying with us, he'd only drink if she was in the bath! He used to drink a fair bit before he was with her and he says she thinks it's a waste of money.
I hope both you and are are still around when both our sons see the light!

Here we go again.

Instead of trying to answer and maybe help the OP, the unjustified sniping at other posters begins.

Sheesh

He fed me lies, said he was going make his son to be an English citizen, but when I mentioned it to his wife she froze in horror.

I believe that China does not allow dual nationality so it would have huge consequences for her and the baby if your son had applied for British citizenship for his child

She sounds like my dil who is a narcissist with sociopathic behaviours. She lies and manipulates so we are nc with her. We still see gc and son but he has to pick his times. I do think he will see through her eventually especially as he no longer had any friends as they have distanced themselves from him due to her. Also family are stepping back and they do not get invitations to family events any more. Very sad but son is an adult and has to see it himself I just hope in still around when he does

@Tillybelle thanks so much because I feel that she may have a personality disorder. I am in shock, but at the same time, quite realistic.

I do know my son has lied a lot though. He has mislead me, cruelly decieved us- perhaps out of desperation to please his wife...but the effect is the same.

Wow Tillybelle how do you arrive at your conclusions. Hard to believe all the problems are caused by the woman in question and the man is not only blameless but has been manipulated by his mentally ill girlfriend. Unbelievable post

Lavazza1st. I am so very sorry for you. This is a terrible experience and it will take you a long time to come to terms with it. Please do not hold your son to blame for his responses to the situation. He was being manipulated by the trickiest kind of person one might ever meet, and he had obviously fallen in love with her too. I do not think he could act rationally in this tortuous situation, the poor man.
I can see that you know her behaviour has nothing to do with her nationality and has no cultural bases. I am sure, from my professional knowledge, she may have a mental disorder of some kind. But that is not for us to decide! The things she has done to you are extremely manipulative and the extensive lying - including the story about her granny chopping logs which I also do not believe - plus the petty business of holding her son up to break lamp shades... it all adds up to something far more complicated than a normal person going through a difficult patch!
I think you have to accept that your DIL had a mental disorder of some kind, even though you are not able to get a diagnosis and even though it may be unethical to say so to anybody. But here, where none of us knows her or you, we can say that this behaviour is too extreme to be normal and that she probably will never be somebody you can ever reason with.
I am very worried about your poor son. He has a child by an unbalanced woman and is trying to please her and meet her unreasonable demands. In the end she will ruin him. Such people are impossible to please. She will keep him dancing on the end of her piece of cruel string while he tries to do all sorts of ridiculously unreasonable things to keep her happy. Eventually he will collapse or lose his job or a crisis of some kind will happen. It goes without saying that you know that whatever she wants she makes it impossible for you to achieve. So she will do this to him. It is part of her disorder, although you are in the position whereby you cannot say this outright. You could just stick to the facts, that is the things she does. Just observe that the behaviour and the things she demands are unreasonable and impossible to achieve. Keep a note of them. It is very easy to forget or get so tied up you "can't see the woods for the trees". Tell your son that the sooner he establishes his boundaries about how he needs to be reasonably treated the better. Also about how she looks after his son.
He needs to set the ground rules. However, she will not be reasonable, this I predict, so do not expect it. But if the ground rules have been made, then you/your son can establish that she is being unreasonable. Most importantly he has to ensure the safety and health of his son. This is such a priority because I fear the child is not in safe hands with her. While she is getting her own way, including enjoying hurting people, she will probably take reasonable care of her son. However, as he grows and makes more demands, I fear she will resent the time he takes away from her being able to do as she wants or get her own way. She will use him to blackmail your son.
I am so very sorry. It is terribly difficult because you are in the early stages of disbelief. You and your son are still trying to imagine what is going on in her head and are trying to find reasons for what she is doing. People here will clutter the issue by matching her against their normal rationale for such terrible behaviour and think up excuses. But she is not normal. You cannot imagine how she thinks because she does not apply the rationales and reasonings and even the ethics that normal people use to think about a situation. You just can't "get inside her head". Your son especially is not able to take in that his wife is mentally not normal. It is very important that he starts noticing how strangely she behaves and that her reasons for doing so are not really what normal people would say. Not on this scale, at least. You all need to keep a note of her lies. It could take some time for him to realise she is not quite right. I sincerely hope he does not sacrifice too much before then.
You really need to think in terms of damage limitation and the welfare of the little boy. The future is going to be a divorce and custody of his child when she will be in China with him. At some point he will need your help and support. Sorry! You must hope for the best but - in this case especially - be prepared for the worst!

Sorry. I have been concise which means it has been very direct and tough to take in. I am so very sorry.

@quizqueen yes he has made a series of poor choices, unfortunately. She is a ball breaker, controlling and manipulative. He will most likely spend the rest of his life dancing to her tunes if he wants to see his son as his son is Chinese.
He fed me lies, said he was going make his son to be an English citizen, but when I mentioned it to his wife she froze in horror. They also lied about his name, saying they had named him after my DH, but when they were phoning for a GP appointment they said a different name- and then the excuses started. They had registered him in a Chinese name and had lied to tell us he had my husband's name! After he was born they told us he had my DH's name, we had told everyone he was named after my husband. So it was such a shock to find they even lied about that. We wouldn't have minded him having a Chinese name, at all!

It's just been one lie after the other and now we don't know what to think.

@Survivor Oh, no! I'm so sorry for your painful time! Losing your Mum and Grandchildren together must have been the pits! I'm glad you got help and I totally agree, its them. I know without a shadow of doubt that I've bent over backwards to accomodate them, but it has all been one way. As she was leaving, I said to their friends how sad it is, but that I can't fix a one way relationship because relationships take effort from both sides. I said it deliberately in front of DIL, but I doubt it will do any good. She didn't even say thankyou for having them or bye. Relationships DO take two. If she had been willing to put some effort in, we could probably have worked together...but without communication and effort. Nada!

@Grammaretto Yes it's strange! I think one copied the other, but I'm not sure! I don't think my others will follow suit after the latest dramas though, at least.

@HollyDoilly10 I did say no and I do agree with you. I always cooked every night because of my husband and other kids and I always kept the house clean because it was a good way of coping with the anger! I have never had such a clean house and it probably helped keep me sane.

@Sharon103 Thanks, Im sure your Mum is right! I will tell him