That's it then. Finito.

I don't know whether Chinese girls expect their children's grandparents to look after them, or not. I wouldn't have thought so, as the Chinese are still brought up to respect their elders.

It doesn't sound as if there was much of that attitude from your DIL.

I'm a little confused: is your DIL returning to China permanently, or for holiday?

In your place, I would ring DS up and ask how the new job is and his new home, it can't do any harm to say you are sorry things were difficult while they were staying with you. Just don't sound as if it was your fault, because that is not what it sounds like to me.

Whatever grandparents do or don't do in China, you had explained that you could not afford to stop working to look after the child. I hope you pointed out that in Britain parents look after their children or pay to have someone do it for them.

I hope you do manage to get a more manageable relationship going.

It sounds to me as if your DIL has some serious problems, either adjusting to marriage or motherhood. If you do talk to you son, ask about her, but be tactful, so he doesn't feel you are criticising her.

Thanks @Jaye53

@Jaye53 The lie she told to my DS on his first day in his new job was that she went out and then I didn't let her back in the house! The actual truth was that I was cooking a meal for the whole family and waiting for everyone to come home and eat it! My husband and younger DS were there and verified what I said, so my DS MUST know she was lying.
Im pretty shocked she would act like that when he had just started a new job, but obviously we were not going to let DS think we could do such a thing.

I think she just sulked because I wasn't going to give up my work and didn't want to be carer for her child. My son did absolutely ALL the childcare before he started work...

Improve FOR you.

Oh dear how awful that she lied about you.well when someone tells lies about someone that's serious in my opinion.what will she do next
I'm sorry I can't help you but hope things will improve from you

@cold yes it's probably best for her to return to her family since her MH would have been affected. Many times I tried to encourage her to get some daylight because she wasn't even opening the curtains... but overall, I can't be what she needs.
Not sure what my son will do, but he really needs to start telling the truth - and stop saying what he thinks people want to hear. I am 100% sure he was telling her one thing and us another, so a lot of it is his fault.

@bluebelle I am relieved that I did stand by my convictions and not give up my job because she only had a six month visa at the most and I'd have bonded so deeply with my GS and the separation would have been heartbreaking. I always felt she should be his main carer since she would have been going back to China after six months, not me. As it was I played with him every day after work and spent quality time with him and I'm grateful for that time.

Just to be clear, she was really welcomed from the beginning , but she behaved in really hurtful ways by rejecting our family and being rude about things we did for her. She criticised our house, said it wasn't up to her standards and did her best to cause disruptions. If she had been friendly, she would have been a lovely addition to our home. I may not have explained that in my other post as I wrote when I was feeling very frustrated. Although, however frustrated I felt, I never showed my feelings once to her. We did have some times when we laughed together, but they were rare...

Sorry - cross posted with your update.

Frankly from your update your DIL sounds very depressed staying in her room, lethargic, not eating, not bothered about hygiene, not able to face making social contacts. Perhaps it is best that she returns to the support of her family.

Sorry to hear that the saga is ongoing

Have they gone back to China or just moved out? If it's the latter then this is surely good news? In your previous thread it was clear that things were very stressed and that you wanted them to move out. It sounds like a good idea that they can be independent, get their own space and make their own parenting decision.

I think that your son did a very poor job of helping his wife integrate into a whole new culture. It was clear from your previous thread that she had little idea what to expect and how different things would be in the UK. She also had the whole visa problem hanging over her head, and still may have this issue (your son must earn over £22,400). It is really hard to settle and integrate when you might be forced to leave in a few months,

I think that things need to settle for a while. I wouldn't say it is necessarily "finito" forever but from your previous thread no-one was happy and you were talking about throwing them out - so I think it is best that your son's family lives elsewhere,

PS it's NOT cultural difference as my other son's Chinese GF lived with us for a year and we got on REALLY well. She had even TOLD DIL what a great family we are!

It seemed like DIL constantly tried (and failed) to push our buttons ( one example is leaving pubic hairs on my LUSH soap and allowing GS to break our lampshades by lifting hm up to snap bits off) We always spoke really calmly and never got cross, so there was no drama. But eventually she resorted to lying about us- claiming that we didn't let her in the house. (blatant lies, we would never do that) I'm not sure son believed her, but he was stuck in the middle.

Looking back, it was obvious she didn't want to be here from the start because she isolated herself and although I gave her info on the local Chinese community events she made no effort. I introduced her to friends and family and she also avoided them.

It seemed like she went on a hunger strike eventually. Well, she might have been eating secretly? But she started refusing to eat with us on thursday last week. I think what tipped the balance was that my son got a job and started monday...I just sent DS a message wishing him well with his life and letting go.

Thankyou all for your messages.
They did not tell me til they arrived that they expected me to leave my job and do everything for them, but they did try to shame me into it in a really horrid way. I did stick to my guns because I can't afford to give up work and I don't think she should have come if she wasn't willing to "do as the romans"

My son kept telling me how much she "wanted to be a full time mum" but I think he kept saying what he thought I wanted to hear and was doing the same to her. Silly boy.

I am dismayed that my son would tell her one thing and tell us something different. No wonder she was unhappy and no wonder we couldn't make things right, no matter how hard we tried.

Last I heard they were staying in a hotel and she's flying back to China with GS on saturday. She wasn't going to allow me the chance to say goodbye and was going to sneak out but I WAS there and gave GS a cuddle and helped put her bags in the car. I am proud to say that I remained polite and calm throughout- though probably due to shock!

I don't recall the earlier thread so only have this post to go by. DIL sounds really rude.
Does she not talk to her husband who would explain his mother's work, etc??
I remember meeting my DIL and was so eager to please. I have a Chinese sister-in-law who is really lovely and has an amazing work ethic. If she is depressed, her DH should know. She sounds ungrateful and lazy. Why would she not spend more time with her child?

Unfortunately the clash of cultures has been painful for you. Chinese girls don't expect to look after their children - that's what grandparents are for in their culture. So she expected you to toe the line,and when you didn't, Pffft ! She is gone.

What a pity your son didn't think to communicate this before they arrived. It might have saved a misunderstanding and subsequent heartache.

I have sons - I know!

So sorry that you and DiL are not getting on probably due to cultural differences. I have worked in a big English University which has a large Chinese student population. Most of them are delightful but there is a minority which are very entitled and arrogant. These ones tend to come from quite wealthy families and they behave as if the can do and say what they want.

I come from another country, another culture, where we have a lot of paid and unpaid help. I think I mentioned this on another thread just this morning, so when we arrive it's a huge culture shock. I found it difficult at first, but I had no mother or mother-in- law to help, so I got on with it. Your Chinese daughter in law will learn. Give her some time.

Nothing you can do. Let them get on with it. Be relieved they have gone. Your son will be back when he needs you ..... and it sounds like he will!

I'm confused too. Have they gone back to China or are they here. Also was it just a visit or something more permanent? Because if it was just a visit then maybe they expected you to be not working while they were here?

I have no idea about China's culture or whether the grandparents are expected to do everything but a lot of people don't really understand "working from home" so perhaps she thought you were being stand offish as you were busy and not entertaining them as guests.

Having been in a similar situation, when I moved across the world and lived with my mother in law, I can fully understand that it must have been hard for your DiL, living in a different culture, but she did herself no favours!
As Stella1949 rightly said, in some parts of China, the grandparents (and even great grandparents if still around) are expected to take the bulk of the childcare. It was a shame that your DiL expected it to be the same in the UK ! It was wrong of your son not to explain how things were, especially as he would have been aware of the fact that you worked (whether from home or outside home doesn't matter) I think your DiL was being a bit childish in the way she behaved towards you and her husband and child and again, like a child, once your son had a chance to be settled in the UK, to pack her bags and go home!
Not a lot that you can do IMO, if your son wants to stay married to her, he had to follow and if they did split up, it would be highly likely that he'd lose all contact with his child.
You can only keep in contact with your son and let him know that you are disappointed that it didn't work out, that you love and care for all three of them, and begin to plan for you to visit China to see your grandson.

I'm sure you know this but in China the grandmothers look after the child so Mum can go back to work. When I had my first son I had a very good Chinese friend who was incandescent that her MiL would not come over from China to have baby so she could go straight back to work - this was in early 1970's. Her own mother was over here but running their family restaurant so too busy working herself.
She had never considered bringing up baby herself & it was a blow to her! They finally moved to Norfolk near his aunt & uncle so aunt could have the baby.
I hope it all works out for you- I'm sure it will.
Good luck.

Was this ever intended to be a permanent arrangement?

Have you got the means to communicate with them? If so, send them a friendly message along the lines of "Hope you are happy in your new home. If I can do anything to help, let me know. See you again when you can manage it. Love to you all. -"

Then you have to leave it up to them. I doubt f your son will cut you off permanently.

I’m not sure if the young family are still in the U.K., if they are don’t give up hope. Your daughter in law will be very alone now and may come to see that although cultures and expectations are different you are indeed her family. I wonder how they will cope alone now? Of course if they have returned to China the situation is very different. No matter where they are a loving, non pressurising, message to them both is all you can do now. Wishing you all well.

The culture shock must have been enormous and expectations so different, hopefully your son will be in touch soon, he has a job so I guess he won't be anxious to go back to China. I hope things gradually settle down for you all.

My guess is that she was terribly homesick and that is the worst feeling especially having been so far from her home. Yes, it's a sad situation but not entirely her fault. Maybe sometime in the future you'll see them all if they decide to spend a holiday with you------her knowing that it will only be a holiday which she'll feel more comfortable with.

It must have been a huge culture shock for her too, so there's a lot to take into consideration. This " blip " won't last forever, just give it time.

Sorry, have they gone back to China?

I'm sorry things have turned out this way Lavazza it's always difficult when there are cultural differences. It doesn't seem like your son did much in the way of helping you and your daughter in law to manage your very different expectations.
I hope a bit of space will enable you all to rethink things. BlueBelle I understand the daughter in law was not happy but she doesn't seem to have tried to be accommodating unless I am missing something.