New GC on way - feeling ambivalent

You will find yourself liking the babe after it is born. Don't fret.

Dontaskme just to join in and say I am sure what you are feeling is only natural in all the circumstances and I hope you will be able to enjoy the new baby when you meet them. I am so sorry about your DS we have had something similar happen in our wider family. Is there any chance of him trying again for access.

OP, I’m joining the chorus telling you to not be so hard on yourself.

It’s perfectly normal to not be over the moon, all consumed by their birth of someone else’s child. In fact, I think it’s healthy.

You have your own life. You have a loving DH and an AC who wants you to part of their life. I’d venture to say you also have good friends with whom you enjoy spending time with and it has nothing to do with being a wife and mother. It’s about you! As it should be.

Your identity is not in being a grandmother. It’s being you. You wear many hats! Enjoy them all.

Give yourself a break. Sending a small lovely gift sounds like a nice idea. Then get back to your fun and busy life. Don’t apply undue pressure on yourself to be super-excited-grandma.

I’d guess that being over-the-top might be part of what happened with your other AC.

So, learn that lesson and don’t get too wrapped up in someone else’s child. You raised yours and did a fine job, I imagine.

Now is your time to be you. Be a little selfish with your interests, hobbies and your DH

Just saw this thread, Dontaskme. Hope you're feeling better now. No doubt, your DIL's cutting you off from your GC was more about cutting off DS and had little or nothing to do with you. So sad. My heart aches for you and that DS.

It's doubtful the same thing will happen with your other AC and their spouse. Even if they were to divorce, it's doubtful that the result will be the same as far as the GC. But I understand the self-preservation thing.

I'm glad you're feigning happiness though. "Fake it till you make it," as they say. Surely, there's a temptation to hold back, but that could be a self-fulfilling prophecy, as they might think you're not interested and so distance themselves from you. Don't overdo it, of course, but do your best to be reasonably loving, etc. It may help to remember that none of this is baby's fault and they deserve to be welcomed with love just like anyone else (I know you know this, I'm just putting it into words).

Dontaskme
I'm feeling your pain . I agree, it's protecting yourself from more pain and hurt, it's only natural. Hopefully though this is another AC so you won't have the same problems, try to tell them calmly how you feel.
You know me from estrangement thread. My AC suddenly and cruelly went NC, I was always under T&C's but now , nothing. It's cruel, painful and incredibly sad. I miss GC every single day ? I heard via a text that my AC and DIL are expecting another baby, I like you feel nothing, I've told no one. Last time I took DIL under my wings, treated her to lunches out, we went shopping, I took care of her when she was under weather. I bought things for baby. Not now, I wish it hadn't happened, cruel I know, but no one feels my pain and incredible sadness, I won't be part of this GC's life. Yes I'm struggling. Hugs to you all ?️

One of my good friends lost contact with her DGSons when their parents had a very acrimonious divorce.
The eldest DC was 10 at the time.
He came and found her when he was 18.
She missed out on a lot of his life but is making up for it now.
Maybe this may happen to you. I hope so.

Well I have not seen my late teens GC since they were babies dilaw has banned all contact was not invited to their wedding thankfully I have one good son how do I cope easy I now only have one son and he has no GC my oldest son spineless have had heart attack and stroke last year nothing from eldest my tears have all dried up the G children no idea if they know I exist

Thank you everyone
JudyT - my other Grandchildren live with their mother who is not my Daughter. She has cut us all out of their lives because our DS told her he no longer wanted to be with her. She immediately set out on a path to try and destroy him, which she nearly managed to do, leaving him suicidal and not able to cope with anything more. He tried for contact through family court but unless you have experienced that process, the reality of it is something that no-one realises.

The future parents know of the circumstances as they are siblings.

Tillybelle thank you but I'm not depressed, just terrified! As I said who in a million years would expect to be cut out of your own Grandchildrens lives and see their DS destroyed? It happens, has happened, and I am never going to feel as happy and relaxed around any new ones.

Lavazza1st - I am so sorry about what you are experiencing too.

Ah, life ay!

@Dontaskme The same just happened to us and we found our other DS and his wife are 12 weeks pregnant. They dont live in this country, so we are really ambivalent as we will miss it all.

The new parents know, I presume, about the situation with your other grandchild. I'm sure that they would understand your feelings if you tell them about them, and won't be upset.
It's only natural that you are holding back from committing to the new baby, after being so badly hurt over the previous one. Just give yourself time, and I'm sure that everything will be fine.

Many apologies I didn't proof read as the doorbell rang. I'm sure you are clever and know what I meant to say!!

Dontaskme. Oh bless you! You are not a miserable old bugger! But you did make me smile because only my dear old dad used to make that kind of quip!
No, y immediate reaction is that you are depressed. With very good reason. To not be able to feel happy or smile about good news is a very big sign of depression. You have been ground into the ground by what you have been through and it is not something you can just bounce back from. tThis, in one way, is your subconscious protecting you from future upsets. After such a terrible time and going through such an unnatural experience as this, which dislike a multiple bereavement and unjustified punishment in one, you have become numb. I really would like you to go to your GP and ask for Counselling. I apologise if you are already doing this because I can only just remember reading something about your being cut out of the lives of your GC's family.
Please get some professional help. This is such a terribly painful thing to carry around inside you every day! Honestly it is making me tearful thinking of you trying to keep going under this awful situation. You need someone to talk to. They won't be able to change the situation. But in time they will help you find your strength again and you will start to come to life again. One day the old you will return. One GC is somewhere at the moment not seeing you. You will become strong enough to cope with this this and dare to pray that one day you will meet because children do grow up. You really need a bit of help to start feeling well again. This is too much to deal with alone. If the Doctor thinks antidepressants might help break the vicious circle of utter misery then if it were me I would take them. They take a week or more to strat feeling their effect. I found that they didn't make me "happy" they made me more decisive! I just felt mentally stronger, more like my old self. I thought that if I learned how to feel like my old self helped by a bit of artificially induced extra serotonin in the brain synapses, then I would know how to carry on with life without the pills forcing extra serotonin to hand around in the "gap" between the nerve cells! It really worked!
You will find your old self again! I don't mean old as in old-age -pensioner type of "old" either!! Meanwhile you need to be kind to yourself. Extra kind. And please get some medical help. I did and never looked back. Lots of love Elle x

Have the first ones told you what was going wrong? Would it help to know what bothered them? Or do you know? WIll they have talked to other future parents ... is there any communication at all? I have no idea what went wrong with the first grandchild experience ... if as you said you felt you had done everything right. Presumably not in their opinion. Would it help to discuss this with a third party so you have some insight? It sound so horrid. Sorry.

I understand how you feel. I've also been just about cut off from my grandchildren. I've only seen my 14m old grandson twice for an hour or so each time, and it was made clear by my dil that I wasn't allowed to pick him up or hold him. His sister is nearly three and I so wish I could know them. My son is an only child so there won't be any more grandchildren. I hope things work out with your new grandchild; I'm sure the live will come. Xx

It's just an understandable psychological defence system trying to protect you from being hurt again. I think it's probably healthier not to get TOO emotionally invested in grandchildren. After all, they're not ours and we don't want them emotionally dependent on us either unless of a turn of events has made us their long-term guardians.

Please don't worry. You are grieving and anger is part of that.

Rosemary55: Adult Child.

Rather a weird acronym I always think. An adult is not a child. But I'm not a grandparent.

AC is adult child Rosemary.

Yes Ellis, I believe it’s very possible to love but not like, when my eldest was newborn he was very hard work, cried 24/7, would scream himself sick, we found out he had bone problems which caused him pain but at a 2 or 3 weeks old we didn’t know. But anyway, I told my doctor I was concerned because I just couldn’t bond with him, and even disliked him. My kind old family doctor took hold of my hands and said “when you come here and tell me you don’t love him I will worry about, until then let’s get some tests done”, very kind man, and very true words.

Whats AC ? Looked on the Acronyms not there, just this could make it a whole different story

I definitely would not mention it to the expecting parents,they would be very hurt.I feel so sad for you,could you try counselling,your heart has been broken so be very kind to yourself-------write everything down and that may help,then tear the letter up,as others have said when the baby comes and you get to see him/her smile that maybe the answer.Thinking of you and send a hug.

I think you are experiencing a sub-conscious self preservation barrier. It will go as you get to know the child. I find myself far more reserved with my daughter's child because my DD is quite capable of stopping contact at the drop of a hat whereas I know that the parents of my other grandchildren would never be so unkind.

I had a little cry reading your response Anja, very sorry about your little grandson but pleased for you with your little heart mending gummy smile. I agree with the comments about self protection Dontaskme, maybe in a quiet moment you can chat with your son and explain how you are feeling so he'll understand and won't misunderstand anything. Sons are normally more straightforward in their analysis of emotions, or is that just mine ?? anyway, I'd try that if you think it would help. Lovely news on the grandchild and I hope you get many lovely chances to enjoy

I so understand how you feel. My ADs have ceased contact with me since my Dad died, haven't seen them or GDs in over 2 years. We live over 200 mile's away but make the journey, stay in a hotel and ask them to join us for a drink or a meal but there's no reply. It hardens your heart inevitably, to protect yourself. We also have a new GD born a year ago overseas. They have been over a few times but I've only found out through Facebook pics. We had arranged to meet this August so hotels were booked. Then a change of plan they were coming earlier. Luckily we managed to change hotel dates. We are both disabled so break the journey with an overnight stay half way. It's a major undertaking for us, physically and financially, and even at this stage I still worry they will change their plans again. I never thought I could feel this way but ambivalent so accurately describes my feelings now after years of heartbreak. It is possible to love but not like AC.

It’s self protection I’m certain. And maybe you will feel that you are betraying the other children that you are not allowed to see. No wonder you are confused.
My D is just about to give birth, ( this week) and I have been told in no uncertain terms that I will never see this baby. I’m holding all the pain in. I’m very anxious this week, worry that the baby will be born safely. And that they both will be ok.
I’m not feeling much pain at the moment as I write. Bug it will come I’m sure.

It's no surprise you feel this way. You have been so hurt before that you don't want to risk putting your self up for more hurt and disappointment. I am sure when the new GC arrives you will feel able to be part of the love and joy that he/she will bring with them.