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Grandparenting

New GC

(83 Posts)
Ponymoore Mon 01-Apr-19 16:42:49

We have looked after our twin granddaughters who are seven from when they were born. We live very near them and take them to school a couple of mornings and collect most evenings. Our daughter is expecting a baby after trying for fifteen years but lives two hundred miles from us. She would like us to move nearer to her when she has the baby but we are in turmoil on what to do

chris8888 Tue 02-Apr-19 14:30:32

I would stay close to my friends and the twins. Moving is a nightmare and what if your daughter decided to emigrate next year. The twins will be heartbroken too.

grandtanteJE65 Tue 02-Apr-19 14:16:56

What jumps out at me here is that you have twin granddaughters who you are close to. If you move away to be near your daughter and her coming child, aren't you telling the grandchildren you already have that their aunt's child is more important to you than they are?

This is what I would expect any seven year old to get out of your moving, and it wouldn't surprise me if their parents felt the same.

If the seven year olds are your son's daughters please think hard and long here, because to my mind you would be telling him that his sister is more important than he is.

You seem to have a very good relationship with both the grandchildren you already have and their parents. As you probably know a lot of grans on gransnet don't. I wouldn't risk a relationship you already have which is so good.

Is it quite out of the question for your expectant daughter to me closer to you and her brother? sister?

Why does she want you near her? Is she looking for free child minding? Assuming that you have done it once and will do so for her too.

Congratulations to both you and her, a much wanted baby is a blessing, but please, do count the blessings you already have too.

SueDoku Tue 02-Apr-19 13:56:34

What message would you be sending to your DGDs if you did this? That they were disposable? That you loved their cousin more than them? That you'd (as far as they know) been happy to see them often, but could just up sticks and move hundreds of miles away as soon as someone else asked..??
I'm sure that none of these is the message that you want them to have; they may have to share you in future, but please don't let them see you as someone who they love - and who just disappears...and at 7, that is what they'll see... 😢

luluaugust Tue 02-Apr-19 13:48:56

I think this is a knee jerk reaction to finding herself pregnant and all the joy that has come with that and she probably hasn't thought much about the actual logistics of this idea. I would stay where you are and visit when you can and have a planned stay when baby arrives. After the birth things could change a lot anyway so bide your time and I don't see any harm in half jokingly inviting her to move near you and seeing her reaction to the idea.

Dinahmo Tue 02-Apr-19 13:43:56

I don't think it's a good idea to move - as someone else said, your daughter could decide to move elsewhere. In the Suffolk village in which I used to live, there was an elderly lady who'd moved from Kent to be near her daughter who'd also moved from Kent. After a few years daughter moved back to Kent and the lady also moved back. As one gets older friends are beneficial and are often around when family members aen't because of work commitments etc.

If you can afford it, perhaps you could rent somewhere so that you can be with your daughter when the baby arrives and later on go up for a long weekend every so often.

Gingergirl Tue 02-Apr-19 13:40:18

Never assume that your children will stay put. With all due respect, they may well not consider you, if they needed or had the opportunity to live somewhere else. So- I would live just where you want to...and then work round that. It’s important that you don’t sacrifice your own happiness too much, otherwise, in the long run, you won’t be any help or joy to anyone..

arosebyanyothername Tue 02-Apr-19 13:27:22

Lots of good advice on here. Take a deep breath and don’t rush into saying or doing anything immediately.
Once the dust dies down your daughter might realise she’s asking too much.

4allweknow Tue 02-Apr-19 13:09:41

Here, here! Agree totally.

Ellen80 Tue 02-Apr-19 13:07:33

Hi! A difficult decision. I agree with everyone that you got to think hard especially the idea your daughter might decide to move.
The only other consideration would be if you think she can provide help if you became incapable. (She will obviously have her hands full anyway, but it's a better environment than a nursing home!)

Ironmaiden Tue 02-Apr-19 12:29:44

If she wants you around then she should move, not you. It’s incredibly selfish of her to want you to leave your other daughter, friends and home.

ReadyMeals Tue 02-Apr-19 12:28:45

You can't leave your 7yr old GC, they have already established a bond with you where they are used to seeing you on an almost daily basis and you share in their care. They will have formed an emotional dependency on you.
Their need for you at this time is greater than that of the unborn one who will get to know you as someone he sees only once a month or so.

Emelle Tue 02-Apr-19 12:26:06

I really understand your dilemma We have two daughters and five grandchildren who live about 80 miles away and we went and stayed overnight every week to help with childcare. We decided to sell our family home with a view to moving nearer to the family Fortunately, we were able to rent a house in the area and after 4 months returned home. We were kept busy during the week on child minding duties and then left alone at weekend as the families were busy with their own lives - rightly so Those months away made us really appreciate what we had in our own area and having our own interests We were outbid on one house and now I see that as a blessing. I hope you can find a solution that suits you all.

Orelse Tue 02-Apr-19 12:25:32

Ps ... my daughter (aged40) tried for 15 years tooo....gave up , got pregnant , panicked about coping ,turned to us in the same way .... but it calmed once the baby had arrived..... her children are now 6 and 3 ( 2nd child a surprise too ) 😁

okimherenow Tue 02-Apr-19 12:25:29

My cousin was in a similar dilemma and what she did was stay in the house she lived .... and bought a static caravan on a site close to second daughter...
she couldn’t afford to move but could afford the second hand caravan and the annual fees
This has worked so well for them all...

Orelse Tue 02-Apr-19 12:21:15

I would jump at the opportunity to be involved in both but not move . Split time between where you are and your daughter .. overnight stays Weekly which also fit in with the 7 years old . I would do it all , and gradually it will settle down into a sensible routine , as things change . ( things keep changing with young children's routines ) . I have done something similar , and over time it all worked out well ... and I/ we still have our "me" time and hobbies ( singing and art history classes) . They are young for such a short time, that we wanted it this way .
Don't forget your daughter will be home with the baby for 6 months to a year ....a lot changes in that time. Go with her to mother/baby groups .... join NCT ....this will stop her feeling isolated as everyone has family in common ..... take a step at a time ..all will be lovely xx good luck

GoldenAge Tue 02-Apr-19 11:56:23

This whole moving thing is fraught with problems. But ultimately it depends upon what you WANT to do. I moved to be close to my only child at her request when she was pregnant but it was a move to a big city that I had wanted to make - I was just so glad that she wanted me to be near to her, where her career had been built after leaving for university. Had I remained where I was I would have had no family and just a handful of friends and neighbours all with their own younger families to keep them busy. However, I have a friend who has a daughter who lives 300 miles away of her own choosing and has recently asked her mother to move to give her help with her two children because her husband has moved out and put her in the position of having to go back to work. My friend has always lived in this area, she does voluntary work, has lots of friends, two siblings and several nieces and nephews, as well as her son and two teenage grandchildren who she has helped with. My friend looks at the situation quite objectively and thinks that were she to up-sticks she would be leaving her entire life behind and pine for it. She wonders why her daughter doesn't consider moving back to her home town where she would be able to access her mother's support and that of her other family. It's a good question.

Ginny42 Tue 02-Apr-19 11:53:58

Choose your words carefully. She must be over the moon at the pregnancy news as I'm sure you all are, but may be a little apprehensive about the birth and coping with a new baby. You don't say how old she is, but if she's been trying for 15 years, she's not a young Mum. She might just need you close at first until she gets into the way of things. She must know how much you've been doing for your other grandchildren and it's easy to upset someone unintentionally.

Long stays to help might be a first step and see whether you feel about moving there in time. Presumably you know the area where she lives quite well by now and must have an inkling about whether you'd consider living there. The twins are now seven and can cope with short absences whilst you go and help with their little cousin.

icanhandthemback Tue 02-Apr-19 11:41:06

What an exciting and scary time for your daughter. I know that when I was younger if anything went wrong, I always felt like I needed my Mum even if I regretted it later when she swept in, made waves and swept out again...I'm a slow learner!
Make a list of the pros and cons of making the move if you are tempted. Take into account that many find that motherhood changes the relationship between parent and child so it may not all be rosy.
lincolnimp, I seriously don't think that I belong here.
I'm not sure why you think that. We all have different views and that is what makes it interesting. I'd give moving consideration and I love helping my AC with their childcare but not everyone does. Nowadays, I'm not sure that I would think moving is a great adventure but hats off to you that you still have that energy!

dizzygran Tue 02-Apr-19 11:28:39

lovely news but unrealistic to expect you to up sticks and move. 200 miles. Let her know that you will help but you do not want to leave your home friends garden etc. As she's pregnant her feelings are all over the place so don't give you GDs as one of the main reasons for not wanting to move Things will settle down when the new baby arrives.

Chinesecrested Tue 02-Apr-19 11:02:23

Your granddaughters would be devastated if you move 200 miles away. That's too big a price to pay. Your DD will have to move near you instead

Theoddbird Tue 02-Apr-19 10:59:01

Can't mothers manage on their own anymore? I wonder about this when I see grandparents running in circles helping out.

harrigran Tue 02-Apr-19 10:57:50

Think long and hard before upping sticks, I have heard of many people of our generation moving to be near an AC only to find a few years on the DC are moving on to new job and so on.
I would hate to move from where I live, close to a bus stop and a supermarket and other facilities. DS once suggested closer to them would be useful but it was in the middle of the countryside in a county I do not know, half hour drive to the shops is not what I am looking for at this stage of my life.

Willow10 Tue 02-Apr-19 10:56:34

I moved from the Somerset coast to the midlands to help my daughter, who had four children under 6 and was expecting twins. I've regretted it ever since. Do you want to be a grandparent or just a convenient, free babysitter? Why can't couples bring their own children up any more?

lincolnimp Tue 02-Apr-19 10:56:32

I seriously don't think that I belong here.
No, I'm not having a big----I'm going to leave moment---I'm too mature for that, but I'm a Grandma who loves being a grandma
Yes, I have my own interests, but perhaps it is because I am coming to the end of 32 years as a Foster Carer that means I am still totally happy to have a hands on approach with our GC---when needed.
Also, my 2 DDs are both in 'caring' professions, both not very well paid, nor are their husbands.
Without people in their professions we would all be a lot worse off, so why shouldn't I have an adventure and move to be near the youngest GC, make new friends, and enjoy sharing the joys and sorrows of the little ones

freestyle Tue 02-Apr-19 10:50:46

Congrats to your daughter and yourselves on the coming grandchild. I think the best thing is to ask your daughter to move to where you live then you can support her as much as possible. Would she do this ? Possibly not as she wouldn’t want to leave her friends would she. It amazes me how how children expect everything from us and in my case give nothing back in return.... good luck and at the end of the day you must do what is best for you xx