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Grandparenting

New GC

(82 Posts)
Ponymoore Mon 01-Apr-19 16:42:49

We have looked after our twin granddaughters who are seven from when they were born. We live very near them and take them to school a couple of mornings and collect most evenings. Our daughter is expecting a baby after trying for fifteen years but lives two hundred miles from us. She would like us to move nearer to her when she has the baby but we are in turmoil on what to do

phoenix Mon 01-Apr-19 16:56:30

You must be very pleased for your daughter, but I think she is asking too much of you.

Apart from your relationship with your twin GD's, you probably have friends where you are now, and perhaps as members of clubs or societies.

By all means go and stay for sometime when the baby is born, but to ask you to up sticks and move house is unfair.

M0nica Mon 01-Apr-19 16:57:04

This sounds a bit doormatty. Whatever your children want you wll consider it.

Forget,(for about) 10 minutes the expected new arrival and ask your self two questions
1) Do I really want to upsticks and move from an area where (presumably) I am settled and have friends and to some unknown part of the country where I know no-one, have no idea whether I will like it or not and I could end up very lonely.
2) If I had to move, is where DD lives an area I would like to live in? If it isn't do not move.

A lot of people in your situation have acted on the request without careful thought, carried away in a cloud of grandmotherly love, only to deeply regret the decision later for all kinds of reasons.

Think long and hard about your decision.

kittylester Mon 01-Apr-19 17:10:26

And, might she move somewhere else?

And, would you be leaving the current family, who presumably rely on you, in the lurch.

Wobbles Mon 01-Apr-19 17:17:25

Congratulations, I'm thrilled for your daughter and you after so many years of trying.

But your life is where you live not where she lives. You would be giving up more than you would be gaining.

I do understand the dilemma you're in as my son and his family live hundreds of miles away from me.

I also think it's slightly unfair of your daughter to put you in this position.

shysal Mon 01-Apr-19 17:19:34

Ponymoore, if anyone should consider moving then it must be your daughter. She is asking too much of you.

sodapop Mon 01-Apr-19 18:10:15

Kittylester is right, if the only reason for moving is to be be near your daughter then think very carefully. Your daughter may move on elsewhere then you are high and dry. It's a big step to take for this one reason, grandchildren are soon grown and your help not needed.
Consider your options carefully Ponymoore

Loulelady Mon 01-Apr-19 18:28:24

I agree with the previous posters, she is asking too much.
It’s not just your commitment to your existing GC, it’s your home, your friends she is asking you to leave.
Let her know you will get across to her as much as you can and tell her you’d be delighted if she could move back closer to you.

H1954 Mon 01-Apr-19 18:33:23

Mmmmm! I thînk I would be asking DD who's pregnant to move closer to me, it's easier for the youngsters than those of us in mature years. I do think she's being a little selfish actually. I certainly wouldn't like to think I had to move house after all the years I've lived here.

Bibbity Mon 01-Apr-19 20:12:29

Holy enticement batman!!

YANBU! At all. Not even in the slightest.
I’d send one firm but polite message back
“I am happy with where I live now and will not be moving anytime in the near future. However if you decide to move down that would be lovely”

agnurse Mon 01-Apr-19 21:45:26

YANBU. SHE is.

It's very nice if grandparents live close to their AC and GC. Notice I said "very nice". I didn't say "necessary".

Only you can decide if that's something you're prepared to do. In addition to the regular points, such as selling your home and finding a place to live, you'll also need to consider whether there are services you might eventually need in that area, such as whether there are GPs accepting new patients and what types of seniors' facilities are there. (Not saying that you're old, by any means, but just that eventually you may well need these things, particularly if you decide that you'd like to live in that area for a while. It helps to be prepared.)

If GPs are willing to help with childcare, that's lovely, but it isn't and should never be an expectation.

crazyH Mon 01-Apr-19 22:16:37

No, I wouldn't relocate just so you can help with childcare. What about your twin granddaughters? You are in a way committed to them.
You could probably go and help out during school holidays etc, but moving should not be an option.
I do some of the school runs etc for my daughter's children...have always done (14 years now). My sons have started their families, I made it clear, in the nicest possible way, that I was committed to the older grandchildren and probably wouldn't have the time or energy to do anything more than the odd babysitting .

crazyH Mon 01-Apr-19 22:20:39

Oh and congratulations to your daughter, partner and all the family, on the arrival of the long awaited baby. I am so pleased for you all 💐🎉🍷🎂😘xx

Tangerine Mon 01-Apr-19 23:11:04

What if she moves somewhere else?

A lot depends on how settled you feel where you currently live and your financial circumstances.

I think you should think carefully.

I hope everything goes well with the pregnancy.

GrandmainOz Tue 02-Apr-19 01:46:24

What wonderful news for your daughter. She's probably feeling in an absolute emotional turmoil now that what was a dream for so long has suddenly come true.
This may have led her to feel a bit panicky and think she must have her Mum around as it must be a huge deal for her after 15 years.
Any newly pregnant mother can feel a bit weird and vulnerable but for her it must really be magnified.
That said, my view is you just can't decide to start a family with any assumptions of anyone else's involvement. It's her child, not yours. And while any help you can give should be welcome, she can't expect her parents to uproot their entire lives.
Hopefully given time to get used to the idea of motherhood, she'll calm down a bit and realise that of course she can do this.
Best of luck. But gently remind her this is her baby, not yours.

OutsideDave Tue 02-Apr-19 01:57:50

Did you move to be closer to your twin grandchildren when they were
Born or had you already been settled then for some time?

Lavazza1st Tue 02-Apr-19 05:27:34

So fabulous that your DD has got pregnant after so long! Congratulations!

I would stay where you are. You have already bonded with your twin Gds and have a life there. If your DD wants to move nearer to you, that would be the best answer. Moving house is hard at any age, but easier for the young.

Luckygirl Tue 02-Apr-19 09:17:48

Please do not be in turmoil about this. You are already committed to care for your existing GC and cannot just stop this.

Perhaps tell your DD that you cannot renege on your existing arrangement. She must realise this I am sure.

Stay where you are with all your friends around you; and pop up and see your DD whenever you are able.

crystaltipps Tue 02-Apr-19 09:23:24

If helping with childcare is the sole reason for moving the the answer should be a big fat no. If she’s waited 15 years for a child, maybe she’d want to be looking after the baby herself . Go and stay for a week or two to help her out but unless you are desperate to move anyway ( it sounds like you aren’t) stay put.

Craftycat Tue 02-Apr-19 10:21:30

Go & stay of course & then you will get the feeling for the area- you may love it. However it is YOUR life too.
Do you really want to miss the girls growing up into teenagers ( actually having a DGD entering this phase maybe you may be better out of it!!)
Does your daughter have a partner who needs to live there to work? Could they re-locate or is his family local to them? So many possibilities to consider. Don't do anything rash.

Larsonsmum Tue 02-Apr-19 10:22:18

You've done more than your fair share of childcare, and I'm wondering if her real reason for wanting you to move beside her is so you can provide childcare for her too once she returns to work?

I have extremely strong feelings that grandparents should not be full-time unpaid carers for grandchildren, especially if they have worked all their lives looking forward to their retirement and doing what they want...and never had time to do when bringing up their family/working.

Having lost numerous friends in their 60s and some only in their 50s, I say you need to have a life of your own, and childcare for grandchildren should only be occasionally.

lincolnimp Tue 02-Apr-19 10:29:10

It is a hard one, and I can see it from both sides.
Our DCs will tell how it is to be the younger GCs, when the older 2 get all the attention. Slightly different for them as we all lived within 10 miles of GPs.
We are currently in the process of planning to move almost 200 miles to be near our youngest GCs. Our older ones have had us around since birth, giving childcare when mum had to go back to work . Now that they are much older, and both parents work from home much of the time, we are free to move to be near the younger ones.
It is, however, our decision, and we are hopefully able to afford a house to move into (albeit smaller than our current one, which we no longer need) and a static caravan on a site near the Older GC, so that we can visit regularly

BassGrammy Tue 02-Apr-19 10:32:08

When my daughter had her first child I too was 200 miles away. I had just retired so was able to go there for a 2 or 3 days every month, which was lovely. She had no other support where she was living. I did this for 4 years and then out of the blue, they decided they were going to move nearer to us! For the last 7 years they have lived 10 minutes away and we see them several times a week. Her husband continues to work 200 miles away, but goes there 3 days a week, working at home the other two days. At least when he’s away she now has support. My other grandchildren come to stay in school holidays and have done since they were small. I certainly wouldn’t upsticks and move right now, things will have a way of working themselves out once the excitement has died down. Your daughter is probably feeling rather panicked at the thought of looking after a new baby without you there.

annehinckley Tue 02-Apr-19 10:33:51

Don't do it!
But be gentle with her. Say you will help out however you can WITHOUT moving. Can she have a spare bedroom made up into 'your' room for example?
BTW your other AC and GDs are very likely to feel rejected by such a move - with consequences for your relationships with them.

Pat1949 Tue 02-Apr-19 10:34:00

You are already regularly looking after your two Grand daughters, why would you suddenly want to get up and move, because your daughter beckons. A bit selfish of her to say the least. Without knowing the full facts, I would assume it was her decision to move 200 miles away, if she is going to be so reliant on you why doesn't she move closer to you.