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Grandparenting

New GC

(83 Posts)
Ponymoore Mon 01-Apr-19 16:42:49

We have looked after our twin granddaughters who are seven from when they were born. We live very near them and take them to school a couple of mornings and collect most evenings. Our daughter is expecting a baby after trying for fifteen years but lives two hundred miles from us. She would like us to move nearer to her when she has the baby but we are in turmoil on what to do

Starlady Sat 27-Apr-19 18:00:22

Ponymoore, congratulations on your coming gc! Such joy for dd and the whole family! But I agree with the others, don't abandon the gds who already count on you or move away from friends, doctors, etc. that you know and trust. If dd feels the need for your help, let her move closer to you. She may feel you "did it" for her older sib and now it's "her turn," but she needs to understand that it doesn't work like that with gc's feelings.

Ponymoore Sat 27-Apr-19 16:57:24

Thankyou for all your comments, they are most appreciated. Sorry for the delay in replying but have been away for a few weeks.

Joyfulnanna Fri 05-Apr-19 01:00:42

You will jeopardise your relationship with your twin gd so no, don't do it. Its unreasonable of her to expect you to make such a move. I would take the option of staying with her regularly if you can manage that. Or tell her to move nearer you so your gd can build a relationship with their new cousin.. Cousins are our first friends and often have the most special bond. Good luck

Magrithea Wed 03-Apr-19 20:01:07

Ponymoore couldn't you go and stay for a while when the baby arrives if she needs the help (you don't say if she's got a partner/DH/SO). To up sticks like that is a decision that shouldn't be made just because you're asked and as others have said, you have your DGDs to think of too

GabriellaG54 Wed 03-Apr-19 11:01:43

Ask yourself this: 'Would my daughter and her family do the same for me if I needed occasional care?'.
If the answer is no then there's your reply to your daughter.
It works both ways.
Why ask us about a life changing move you've been asked to make.
We don't know how deeply rooted you are in your present community.
We don't know what moving costs you would incur.
We don't know the price your oresent house would command or indeed the price of houses near your daughter
If it seems like trying to uproot an oak tree, it would probably be as traumatic.
Personally, I would laugh at such a request, were any of my AC foolish enough to voice such selfishness.

ReadyMeals Tue 02-Apr-19 23:16:31

You don't even know if she has internet at home or can only log in from the public library, or if she's fallen ill since posting. I wish people would not be so ready to give each other a hard time.

Wobbles Tue 02-Apr-19 21:47:19

Common courtesy would be to thank all posters for their thoughts and to say they will be read when OP has time.

ReadyMeals Tue 02-Apr-19 21:05:22

Goodness me she only posted yesterday! Some people are not online 16 hours a day, or even every day. If she's not back by tomorrow night then that's the time to express disappointment.

Wobbles Tue 02-Apr-19 21:00:02

phoenix miffed is the right word.
I don't understand people starting threads then disappearing.confused

phoenix Tue 02-Apr-19 20:40:16

I was just about to post that the OP has not had the courtesy to acknowledge the replies that she has had.

Surely I can't be the only person that gets a bit miffed by this?

mamamags Tue 02-Apr-19 20:20:18

Wobbles. Just what I was thinking. Perhaps she has lost interest😊

Wobbles Tue 02-Apr-19 18:19:42

Where has OP gone?

Greciangirl Tue 02-Apr-19 18:00:21

She obviously wants and needs babysitting and support.

But at what cost to you.

What about your other grandchildren. Surely they will miss you, and you them.

I think the answer is a definite No.

Barmeyoldbat Tue 02-Apr-19 17:38:17

Could or would your daughter move to be nearer you? Its her first and she is probably in a panic about coping and childcare. Suggest you stay where you are but go and stay with your daughter after she has the baby to help her get into a routine, about a week or two should be long enough. Does she have a mil nearby who can help? Think long and hard about giving up the life you have.

Rene72 Tue 02-Apr-19 17:24:39

I would think long and hard about moving. I moved to Harrow to help my pregnant and disabled daughter, when the child was 1 year old she got pregnant again meaning I was looking after my grandson and both her and her husband, both treated me as a nanny/housekeeper. My daughter treated me abominably, the last straw came the day she said ‘I’m going to the gym, I’ll be a couple of hours, wash the conservatory floor while I’m out because husband has left dirty footprints on it’. No please or thank you! I had to get on my hands and knees to scrub off the ‘rubber’ marks from his shoes. Bear in mind I have arthritis in both hands. At that time I did used to smoke but always in the garden, when she got back she screamed at me that I’d smoked in her house, which I hadn’t. I told her husband that I’d had enough and I wouldn’t be coming back. He begged me not to leave him with her but I just couldn’t take any more of her abuse! I did try ringing her several times after a couple of months to try to make up but she refused to speak to me. GS is now 19, he did try to contact me on FB when he was about 14 but she checks everything he does on line and she blamed me saying I’d tried to get in touch with him. Luckily, my other D was with me when the message came through and she did tell her it was GS that had tried to contact me! We haven’t had any contact now for about 16years.
I have now taken the decision that my other children will NOT tell her if or when I’m taken ill or die and she is NOT to come to my funeral. I’m also sad that I can’t talk to my other D as much as I should because she will tell her what I have said as they do keep in touch. The sad thing is..,.I’ve had no contact with my GS or his sister.
I’m not saying your D will do this to you but if you have no friends or other relatives in the area you could end up being at her beck and call! Only you know your children best.

Sleepygran Tue 02-Apr-19 16:04:37

When my dd got pregnant she lived over 100 miles away.We could have upped sticks and moved but both my parents were ill and died just before and just after the baby came.
She decided to move nearer to home for the support and it's worked really well.
They bought a bigger house for the same money and both got jobs within a couple of months so win win.

queenofsaanich69 Tue 02-Apr-19 15:55:01

Good advice annehinckley,explain you can come and help however often you feel you can,then your husband can be there for existing family,you can go in an emergency or each month for so many days( good way to get your hands on the lovely new baby)Maybe she can come and stay when she is not working,see other family and be spoiled by Mum & Dad.She probably feels nervous and overwhelmed and what you do for one child the others always expect,human nature.Don't worry it will all work out.

Esspee Tue 02-Apr-19 15:50:16

If I had been trying for a baby for 15 years I would want to enjoy every moment with my precious baby. Surely she is going to be a stay at home mum?
It is totally unreasonable for her to ask you to move. Just find a tactful way of telling her no.

newgran2019 Tue 02-Apr-19 15:38:54

It's the possibility of this dilemma arising that is one of the things that makes me determined not to be a childminding granny; I have three children in different locations round the country, plus a demanding elderly mother near me. I do feel guilty at times, such as when I see so many GPs collecting children from the local schools, but have many reasons for not doing it, not all of them selfish! When I was A) a child and B) a young parent, there was never this expectation that GPs should do all this and it's very unfair, especially when our own parents are living for longer but not necessarily in good health. Rant over!

sharon103 Tue 02-Apr-19 15:34:45

I agree that you shouldn't move for all the reasons given of other posters.

HappyBee Tue 02-Apr-19 15:12:35

When I was pregnant with my first child, my parents were in a turmoil as they had decided to move nearer to their parents to look after them in their old age. Even though I needed my Mum and Dad’s support, I would never have asked them to change all their plans just because I was expecting their Grandchild. It was hard at first them living so far away but I made sure that my girls always saw them regularly and they came to stay with us too. I’m quite lucky now to be a Granny that lives close to my own daughter so I can help out but if she lived miles away I wouldn’t up sticks just to be near her. I would just make sure that we visited each other regularly like I had to with my parents. 🐝

Graceandsalvy1 Tue 02-Apr-19 15:06:24

Ask yourself, would you have asked this of your own mother?

We have somehow created a sense of entitlement within our own children and in my experience it knows no bounds and rarely works both ways.

Put yourself first, in what should be a more relaxed, peaceful period of your life.

Grammaretto Tue 02-Apr-19 14:55:14

I agree with others on here. Does your DD think that now the twins are at school they don't need you as much and she will need help with a tiny baby?
Is there some sibling rivalry going on?
Our AC all live miles away - in one case 12,000 - so we just can't help them out much.
We haven't moved. They all moved away from us.

I hope you can come to a happy arrangement with intensive help at the beginning and some judicious babysitting weekends later on.

Congratulations to your DD

Hm999 Tue 02-Apr-19 14:51:24

Think about an Airbnb rental near where she lives around the time baby is born. Unless it's high season or in a fabulous city, the host will almost undoubtedly do you a reduction deal for a fortnight stay.

You say 'we'. Can one of you go up there for a while, and the other carry on as normal with twins.

I've moved around a lot, starting up in a new area is a big deal. Many/most of our relationships are work or interest related. Please think about it carefully, before making this big decision.

Roxannediane Tue 02-Apr-19 14:46:11

I look after 3 grandchildren locally on an almost daily basis for 2 of my daughters. A third daughter lives abroad and whenever she has a baby (4) I go for 6 weeks and my daughters locally make other arrangements for that time.
I would not move unless it was my choice to do so. Too expensive for a start. Stay put!!