My daughter favours one child over another

My heart goes out to you. My younger son has a daughter and son now in their twenties, Granddaughter has always had to work hard and plod along but always got there, Grandson naturally clever, everything he touched 'turned to gold.' They are both entirely different personalities. He's very hard working out going person who enjoys the good life. She is very much a loner, a tomboy, football
crazy)no one at home has the slightest interest in football - this was one of her passions with her granddad.)

They were never disciplined the same GS got away with 'murder' whereas GD was punished, She idolised her granddad and was always with him. She had a very volatile relationship with her Dad. She knew what buttons to press to wind him up. She almost hated her brother with a vengeance - GOLDEN BOY! She didn't have a 'chip' on her shoulder she had a 'boulder!'

It became noticeable and people would comment that GD got all his own way. At one point she almost joined the Army just to get away from home. Looking from the inside out she didn't make things easy for herself or anyone else.

Her beloved granddad died a four years ago. It hit her so badly that she almost had a nervous breakdown last year. She ended up having counselling and my son admitted that he was so jealous of the relationship that she had with his Dad he kind of took it out on her. They are beginning to build a relationship but she doesn't make it easy. The counsellor has tried to point out to her that she doesn't actually hate her brother she just hates the things that have gone on and the 'privileges ' he had.

It certainly not easy and am sure it can scar you for life.

Looking back I was guilty of being hardest on our first born. I didn't love him less but expected more from him and he was frequently blamed.
Is it possible to guide your DD to prevent that happening?
Does the unfavoured one remind her of her divorced ex?
If it's bad enough to be noticeable by others including you, I think you should offer some suggestions before it gets worse.
I am a middle child. Eldest was the favoured one IMO but she didn't think so and youngest the only boy.

I was the youngest of 6 and obviously not one my parents wanted or needed. The reason being that my brother was born just 13 months before me , and he apparently became the Golden Child almost immediately,according to my eldest sister. Then mum found out she was having me ( not best pleased apparently)...she had an awful pregnancy and difficult birth. But.... I never ever felt at the time growing up that they didnt want any of us... but looking back we all realised that number 5 was favoured. He never noticed (he says)...and we didn’t treat him differently ...that’s how it was. He grew up to be the most awkward..disappointing child for my parents but still didn’t matter. He also grew to be the spitting image of my dad and gets more like him. We all just gave up and let him have it all. We’re all friends ...but we see least of number 5 as he tends more towards his wife’s family.

When my boy was young he had a friend who was the unliked one. He said to me once My mum doesn’t like me. I thought at the time it’s just kid talk. As the years went by I realised he was telling the truth
He spent a lot of time at my house cos we were normal (his words) He went to live with his Nan in the end as the whole family knew of this behaviour
I have no advice, just letting you know he’s not alone.
Being family though. I would talk to your daughter, as it’s a form of abuse and will shape the child’s future

You mention four children, but I am uncertain is it always the same child that she picks on?

Could you perhaps do something special with that child when you visit? If Grandma is always impartial and does special things with each child on their own, then at least your grandchild with have that joy.

Nana69 maybe it wouldn't be so wrong of you to favor the picked-on child. It might just make the difference to her being able to build a positive view of her own worth. And it's not like the others would suffer, since I don't think there is so much emotion and jealousy surrounding a grandparent's favorite, it's usually looked on more indulgently than when a parent has a favorite

I agree with Readymeals. I was the 'scapegoat', and was miserable for ages when I had to take the flak. But my maternal grandfather and paternal uncle had me as their favourite, though those two men never met. Sadly, I saw them only a few times a year and they died before I was 15. Yet I still remember their attention and made me feel more positive about myself.

There is a danger here in favouring one child to redress the balance. My mother used to do that with my eldest, the more difficult one but it just used to put my back up. I could never discipline my daughter if my mother was there as she would undermine me. Consequently it was very difficult to explain right and wrong to my DD. A lot of what she did had to be corrected and she is very stubborn.
We have a great relationship now as we have both worked on it but it was a struggle in the early days.

But dragonfly, maybe you were not yourself scapegoating the one your mother favorited? If you were already treating your children equally then of course it would upset the balance to have your mother singling one out for favoring. Obviously we're taking the OP at face value and our comments are on the basis that the picked on child is not being treated fairly.

No Readymeals it wasn't like that. For example we all used to go camping together and it was the norm that the children from each family would wash up afterwards at the ablutions. It was a great bonding session and good for the children to get to know each other but my mother would say 'Oh don't make her wash up. She can stay with me.' Consequently my DD did not get to know the other children which I was sad about as she had difficulty making friends and this was the ideal opportunity.

Yes, then that was unhelpful. But if a child is genuinely suffering being scapegoated then some adult really has to be there for her and make her feel special to someone or she will grow up with all sorts of self-esteem issues.

This has to be dealt with. The consequences go on and on. It’s absolutely dreadful. Believe me I know. I was that unfavoured child. It hurts so much. It’s unhealthy for the whole family.

It is abuse. It’s dreadful.

My maternal grandmother favoured her first born - a son - all her life. Then another son was born then my mother. My mother said if she had been the second born there wouldn't have been a third child. My mother and the second son were always aware the first born was favoured (I'm not sure that my grandmother was fully aware she did favour him) and were a close pair in childhood. But I think this accounted for my mother's anxiety and depression.

Your right Minshy, it does hurt and is unhealthy.
I too was (and still am) the bullied one in my family. They call it the scapegoat child I think.
Every time someone tried to help when I was a child, my Mother cold shouldered them and gradually they were dropped. That was the price they paid for 'interfering' on my behalf.
My Father tried and suffered the consequences.

In my experience its very hard to get a parent to understand what they are doing and how it affects the child.
IMV I doubt that a parent who behaves unfairly would be able to recognise it, and pointing it out probably wouldn't be looked on very favourably.

As GP's we are constantly berated to keep our opinions to ourselves as its the parents who call the shots, but what happens when they get it wrong, and we all do at times?

Nana69...I too am in the same position. My AC and partner favour one of their children over the other. The strange thing is they have accused ME (!) of favouritism!!
I wonder if it is displacement?

Its so heart breaking though isn't it? To watch one stand on the side lines whilst the other gets the fun love and attention.

I'm lucky I am 'allowed' to see the gc once every few months. I hang on and bite my tongue as much as I can, so I can spend time with the gc.
The only thing I can do is find opportunities to praise the less favoured one to try to show that I don't feel the same way about them as their parents.

I fear its too little but there is always the possibility of the parents taking it out on the scapegoat child, or stopping visiting all together!

It is soul destroying to watch another human being, a beautiful little child being bullied in this way.

I feel for you and your gc

It's a difficult one because your daughter will not appreciate your interferring into how she looks after her children.
Could you perhaps praise the child when you are with her and also try and get the favoured child to have a better relationship with her.
You know your grandchildren there could be a way round this without causing problems.

Namsnanny, thank you for your understanding. I really appreciate your heartfelt comments x

Nana69...??