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19 year old - desperate for advice

(14 Posts)
suebailey50 Fri 12-Jul-19 19:24:32

My grandson has suffered lots of family problems in the past few years and I think has cut off from the real world. His parents do absolutely nothing with him - just happy to give him hand outs every now and again, and are just supporting him in this terrible lifestyle.. He has dropped out of various college courses, and just sits in his room all day playing games. Has no friends, doesn't want to work, . He comes to stay with us for long periods of time in the summer months, but this time I am very very worried about him. He has put so much weight on, doesn't talk or has no interest in anything or wants to do anything, he just sits there all day on his phone doing goodness knows what. Have tried switching off internet but then he just closes his eyes and goes to sleep. We've tried talking gently to him, and he does all the right nods and agrees with what we're saying but the next day he's even worse. The last thing we want is for him to stop coming here. Please any advice on how we should progress with helping him.

ElaineI Fri 12-Jul-19 19:27:17

Sounds like he might be depressed. Would he go to his GP or a counsellor?

sodapop Fri 12-Jul-19 19:36:21

Yes it does sound like depression, I think you should encourage him to get help as soon as you can. Have you tried being a little more firm with him about getting out of the house even for a few minutes every day.

MissAdventure Fri 12-Jul-19 19:38:13

Is he smoking weed?
Apologies if not, but it sounds very much like the effects of heavy use.

Doodle Fri 12-Jul-19 19:41:02

I am not sure turning off the internet is the answer. If it’s current his only source of interest then cutting it off may not help. He could well be depressed or just so low that he’s too tired mentally to bother. Have you tried asking him how he feels about himself and if there is anything you can do to help him rather than discussing how worried you are about him (I don’t mean that in any bad way). It sounds as though he could do with talking to a counsellor of some kind. Perhaps some group sessions with some younger people. Try not to force him. He must feel safe with you and you obviously care. Another alternative (if you can afford it) is to speak to a counsellor privately and ask if they have any ideas what you could do.

EllanVannin Fri 12-Jul-19 20:05:49

This is so sad and the last thing you should do is deprive him of his only source of pleasure. Don't refuse him to stay with you either as he obviously feels secure in his own way. No teenager should be turned away from a life where they feel more comfortable.
Strike up a conversation about hobbies or his favourite things he enjoys and try and get a picture of how his mind reacts.
Teenagers do get depressed and it's always best to try and find out what the real problem is.
If you have a garden try and get him motivated outside whether it be weeding or even planting so long as he's out in the air-----weather permitting.

If all else fails, suggest an appointment to the GP who will probably refer him to a counsellor. He must be helped.

lemongrove Fri 12-Jul-19 20:20:32

How old is he sue ?
Does he feel bad about his weight, is he overweight or really obese?
Is he on the autistic spectrum or have another problem?

lemongrove Fri 12-Jul-19 20:22:30

Sorry sue just noticed he is 19.
My own grandson has problems and I can see the same scenario perhaps playing out in a few years.

suebailey50 Fri 12-Jul-19 22:43:01

Thank you so much for your comments, it means so much. We love him dearly and he is so loved with us. I shall try to find a counselling route.

Grammaretto Fri 12-Jul-19 22:54:39

It must be so hard watching him when he's like this. I was going to say wasting away but he isn't .
There's a lot of it about from what I hear and see. Boys that is without confidence or a clear idea of where they are heading. I hope you find some effective counselling for him if he is depressed.
Could he volunteer do you think?
We have a young man volunteering in our community shop. When he first came, and he was brought by his mother, he was very introverted and wouldn't interact with customers. However, after a few weeks he is beginning to come out of himself and taking more responsibility.
He's still quiet but he can use the till and serve customers as long as he doesn't have to speak to them! It's not a magic wand but it's a start.

BradfordLass72 Sat 13-Jul-19 06:26:20

What a wonderful thing that he is so loved with you, clearly he loves you too and just doesn't know how to get out of the enervating rut he is in. Poor lad.

You may have tried this and it may sound like emotional blackmail but can you tell him that at your age you don't have a lot of time left to support and help him and you would so much like to see him succeed because you love him desperately and it hurts you to see him so unmotivated.

At 19, we don't take into account that the people we love may not be there forever. It could just help him see reality and agree to meet someone (GP for instance) who might help.

Willow500 Sat 13-Jul-19 06:27:57

Could he have ME? A friend's son has had this for several years and sounds very similar. It does sound as though he is very low and depressed so if he could be persuaded to visit his GP it might help as well as some counselling . I too wouldn't turn off the internet as it seems to be his only interest. It must be very worrying for you to see your much loved grandson like this.

BlueBelle Sat 13-Jul-19 08:29:24

To me it sounds very much like his room at yours is his safe haven and his internet his friend so please let him keep it
Can you involve him by being a little bit helpless ‘oh darling could you help Nan/gran move this or clear this you’re so much stronger than me My legs playing up today and I desperately need this from the shop etc I cant reach this that or the other You will need to be fairly helpless and inventive
When my grandson dropped out of college and before getting a job (he has got a brilliant one now) I used to invent all sorts of jobs to build up his self esteem I was suddenly too scared to climb step ladders ( although I still do😊) and I couldn’t reach to cut the ivy etc (I can)

If your lad is depressed making him feel needed and useful could help enormously

mabaleka Sat 13-Jul-19 09:02:43

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