Ungrateful daughter

Sorry if i sound unkind, but i have no idea why you are putting money into a bottomless pit. Her expenses/responsibilities are not your problem. Is she not getting child support from the husband? Why don't you and your husband go on a lovely long 1 month cruise - and enjoy your years instead of feeling you owe her what you give her.

Goodgran you don't have to go from one extreme to the other. You are giving her a lot and doing a lot for her. You could give her less and do less, rather than dumping her altogether. Of course, like with my son, that might mean she dumps you, but at least it won't be your fault like it would if you did the dumping, so you won't have a nagging guilt feeling to live with. I hope you have other children. I fortunately still have my nice daughter.

Yes tough love is the way forward and Bluebell has given you some good advice. Toughen up but be calm.

The op’s over-the-top reaction to peoples’ views says a lot! Is everyone just supposed to feel sorry for you op and slate your daughter?! I think you should show a bit more compassion towards her. How do you know it’s her own fault her marriage ended? Bit harsh. It’s hard looking after kids on your own. If you have that attitude towards her no wonder she is like she is with you. Your daughter needs your help. I think Paddy touched a nerve!

If your daughter has brought trouble to your door since she was 15 and you are now some way down the line from there, maybe you over-supported her as a teenager and she simply has no sense of personal responsibility. I know it's hard to cut your children and especially grandchildren off but the inevitable outcome of your continuation of this level of support is that you and hubby will die and daughter will be left with no inner resources to fall back on so what you are doing at the moment is fighting a fire and not getting to the root cause. Like others I suggest you withdraw some of your financial support - make life harder for her so that she has to look elsewhere for money and be accountable to the organisation that provides it.

Tough love. No more money. Yes spoil the grand children etc but you need to give her some tough love - and tell her so directly. That you love her. But this has come to an end with you, and there just isn't anymore money. She is an adult and has to learn to manage - and treat you with respect.

Start with some small changes. Just tiny steps....and tell your daughter that as you both have health isssues, it’s necessary. Focus more on what you need and want, rather than on your daughters behaviour and start now, by changing something that will make your life just a little easier. Don’t think of it as all or nothing...just a little move at a time. It doesn’t matter if it makes your daughter unhappy or angry at this stage, and don’t enter into emotional arguments with her. She will sense eventually, that you have some new willpower and will manipulate you less. Its hard but possible.

Not easy bringing up children on your own and am glad that she has you to help out.
Maybe she has got so wrapped up in rushing here and there with work, kids , home etc, she has forgotten to stop and take stock. Maybe she hates her job as well ?
I think you certainly need to all sit down and work out your next steps. Explain that you can no longer afford to pay for her car etc and take her along to your nearest CAB for them to help work out her budget and also make sure that she is claiming for everything she is entitled to. What about her ex husband? he should be helping to support the children financially.
Lastly, book both yourself and your daughter in for a manicure/pedicure - if you have a local FE college, that has beauty therapy as part of the curriculum, it need not be expensive. It will give you both an hour away from stress and my give you both a chance to get back to not just mum and daughter, but two adults as friends that seems to have lost touch over the years.

goodgran rushing off like this isn’t helpful either You have said you’re at the end of your tether and people are trying to give you ideas of how to help yourself, but there are going to be things you don’t want to hear because it’s never all one sided is it, and even if it was you have to sometimes hear a different way to get out of it so please hang around and take the rough with the smooth
You love both your children but obviously the son is easier to like as well as love as he’s not caused you the difficulties in life but you do have to look carefully as to how you come across You might know you love them equally but does your daughter know that? Just a thought
I think you have set the standard by bailing her out so much if she is working can’t she pay her rent and utilities and car and phone whilst you can help with the children clothes food entertainment etc that would be a start
Is she getting all the allowances she is entitled to ?
Can you help her draw up a repayment plan for her debts or take her to CAB they are wonderful at helping with that
These are better practical issues than selling your home and giving her large chunks of money which she ll never be able to repay and leave you with a big old resentment and her feeling totally and utterly inadequate
She probably doesn’t thank you as she’s mortally embarrassed that she’s needing your reinforcement
Talking is good but not if you have a short fuse like you ve just shown on here I know that’s stress showing but really do calm yourself before tackling anything with her
And good luck

She may be better off than you think. She'll be getting child benefit for at least two of the DCs and, if on a lowish salary, Tax Credits as well.

Get onto a benefits calculator such as Entitled To and crunch her figures in.

She may also be getting maintenance from her ex as well. If she's on Universal Credit to top up her wages,the figures should be broadly similar.

Arm yourself! Then confront. She's taking the pee and you're enabling her.

It sounds to me as if you and DD are both very stressed, goodgran. Hugs! It also seems as if you and DH are very conflicted, you want to continue helping for the GC's sake, but you are fed up w/ DD's expectations and want to stop. I agree w/ those who say you need to sort out what you are and aren't willing to continue to do. Also, I agree that change should come gradually, so you all have time to adjust, and so that DD doesn't feel as if she had the rug pulled out from under her. I hope this will all be resolved over time.

DD may be more grateful for your help than you think, just doesn't take the time to show it, especially when she's upset about something else. You now know she doesn't show much gratitude, so please let go of that expectation. At the same time, please don't let her frequent complaints get you down, they are probably more a reflection of her frustrations than anything you've done or haven't done. I'm another one wondering what she blew up about though. Maybe it's key to some of the tensions between you.

Meanwhile, kudos for being there for your GC! Also, I'm so sorry about your and DH's health issues. Please remember to take care of yourselves even if it means saying no to a few things. Hopefully, DD can understand that if you don't take care of yourselves, you won't be able to do much for her and the GC, anyhow. Besides, you deserve to have some time and space for self-care and relaxation.

I’d break it down into sections and as you say you know what you need to do. It’s just difficult....
Give a go at writing it down and put into a time line let her know at what stage you will be implementing things.
Paying her rent to stop by /*/*
Running her car to stop by ??
Ex should be paying for children if not - that needs to be sorted.

No way should you have to sell your home to support her. Unless you really want to release equity for your own use.
Hope you find the strength that you need to solve this situation in time.
Be brave and get this sorted before it gets worse.

"She blew up at me so I told her to be grateful and respectful."

What happened that she blew up?
What was said and done and by whom?

"I know what needs to be done...I just don't know how sad"
So what do you think needs to be done?
Many times, you have to adjust stop doing what you have been doing
It is the action that is hard, but the feelings involved

Goodgran, you sound very, very stressed. I feel for you, but Paddyann , Grammaretto and the others are trying to help, advice and share their experiences with you, that's all.
Don't get upset....we are all Grandparents/parents who have had problems of one kind or another . Hope you feel better soon. As mothers we try to help our children as much as we can. I do, but I never forget that I, am my priority. No one else will help me if and when I need it.

I didn't say that you should keep giving her money, did I?
I suggested you had a proper talk to her.
You are seeing this as judgement and now storming off. How are you ever going to deal with problems if you behave like that?
You say I'm ridiculous. That sounds like judgement to me!.
I am sorry that your situation with your daughter has become intolerable and I won't say anything more if it merely antagonises you.

Grammaretto...well she didn't help!!! I came on here for advice..not judgement. I love my daughter but am fearful for her future if she continues down this path. So I should just carry on giving her money whenever she wants it!? Omg. You are ridiculous!! And clearly have never had to deal with a problem in your life! I'm out of here!

Paddyann was only trying to help!
You do make it sound as though you favour your son. You are very critical of your DD.
Love is unconditional. Love shouldn't hold grudges or expect anything in return.

Thanks Mossfarr. It's so difficult when you feel so hurt. We have been so supportive to her emotionally and financially but she's so headstrong which is why her relationships have failed. We have told her that we can no longer pay her rent. So that's a big step forward for us. The grandkids are what keep us helping. It's so hard to deal with. Our son like yours asks for nothing. He's made better life choices thankfully

paddyann**
That is not helpful and very insulting! No where have I suggested she doesn't feel loved! Quite the opposite. She's very loved thanks

We are in a very similar situation with our daughter, we are desperate to get away from her but our two year old Grandaughter will suffer if we move away.
We have now made the decision not to help her out financially any more so we'll have to grit our teeth and stand firm through the tough times ahead.
Our son in Canada has been through hell over the last year when his wife left him taking their two boys. He has never asked us for anything even though we know he struggled financially for quite a while. We send him little 'gifts' every now and again and he is so appreciative its worth every penny.
Amazing how different siblings can be isn't it?

many 15 year olds are a nightmare but as mothers we try to work through it and not judge them for things they did then .She's had a tough run,whatever the reasons for her breakup she's still been left with children to raise and needs support ...not always financial but maybe if she felt you loved her and weren't just paying her off to get rid of her she might turn her self around.Try to talk to her and show you care and that you'll help her to budget and sort ehrself out .It might take time but you and she will feel better for it.By the way I've been there with the 15 year old from hell ,she admits it herself only she was nightmare from 13 until 18 and we worked at fixing her life.She is a wonderful caring woman now ,your daughter could be too.

Try and do it very, very gradually, so you all get accustomed to the new 'normal'.
Good luck. Remember, she is a grown woman, so really, in the long run its better that she learns coping skills.

I know what needs to be done...I just don't know how

I won't get our son involved, it would cause trouble. He's so different. So loving and thoughtful.
Her youngest is 5 so she was separated when he was only 2. Very tough but she brought it on herself.
We are looking at putting the house on the market to replenish our savings. Sad times. She has an air of entitlement and is very touchy. I don't like her very much at the minute but that's nothing new but love her and want the best for her and the kids. I know we are being blackmailed emotionally. What ever I do is never good enough and we are both fed up of it but don't know how to handle it all.
Thanks everyone for your advise

Why do we allow our adult children to treat us this way ? At 34 your daughter should have more social and financial acumen than she is currently showing goodgran. Time to stop enabling this dependence, tell her you will help with the children when you can but you are not so well and need time for yourself and your husband. No more financial support. Try to have a conversation with her in a relaxed setting over a drink so that neither of you feels threatened. It's difficult to pull back from these situations once we have become enmeshed in them.