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Ungrateful daughter

(80 Posts)
goodgran Mon 22-Jul-19 10:34:08


Hi all
Been along time since I posted but I'm at my wits end my adult daughter is nearly 34 and she's not improving. She has 3 children . Her husband left 3 years ago and I don't blame him! She's brought trouble to our door since she was 15. Today I have the kids. She blew up at me so I told her to be grateful and respectful. Well..she started swearing, acting like she's the one doing me a favour having the kids whilst she works
My hubby had a heart attack last year and I suffer with Rheumatoid Arthritis but she still takes us for granted. We've just given her £11000 as she was in debt bit still no gratitude. We run her car and pay for her phone. I do it for the grandkids but my resolve is slipping. I feel like walking away but I can't😢

EllanVannin Mon 22-Jul-19 11:31:17

Emotional blackmail has to be the worst trait in anyone. I'd start tailing off the funding and see what happens. Who's going to help you when you're down to your last ? That's more of a worry than anything I think.

MissAdventure Mon 22-Jul-19 11:34:13

Why do you run her car and pay for her phone?
If she is working and not earning enough she should claim working tax credits.

glammanana Mon 22-Jul-19 11:46:34

Please don't allow this to go on the blackmail is unacceptable stop the funding straight away and make her stand on her own two feet,you need to be strong about this do you have any other children who can put her right as to the way she is behaving if you do please get them involved.
At 34 she should be managing her own life and funds not relying on the bank of mum & dad.

Grammaretto Mon 22-Jul-19 12:05:13

You don't say how old the children are but if they are still small, she may be very frazzled. She sounds downright mean though and it is something I have noticed in my own family.
I rarely give money or loans to DC but if I ever have, I have never had a thank-you. It's as if they are embarrassed about the gift . People much prefer to be the benefactor than the recipient. I never expect gratitude. Come on now, you brought her into this world, do you really expect her to be grateful.!

Have a proper talk to her if you get a moment, and tell her your thoughts. Otherwise they will fester away inside you and get even more bitter.

I disagree about involving others. This is between you and her.

sodapop Mon 22-Jul-19 12:38:55

Why do we allow our adult children to treat us this way ? At 34 your daughter should have more social and financial acumen than she is currently showing goodgran. Time to stop enabling this dependence, tell her you will help with the children when you can but you are not so well and need time for yourself and your husband. No more financial support. Try to have a conversation with her in a relaxed setting over a drink so that neither of you feels threatened. It's difficult to pull back from these situations once we have become enmeshed in them.

goodgran Mon 22-Jul-19 12:40:21

I won't get our son involved, it would cause trouble. He's so different. So loving and thoughtful.
Her youngest is 5 so she was separated when he was only 2. Very tough but she brought it on herself.
We are looking at putting the house on the market to replenish our savings. Sad times. She has an air of entitlement and is very touchy. I don't like her very much at the minute but that's nothing new but love her and want the best for her and the kids. I know we are being blackmailed emotionally. What ever I do is never good enough and we are both fed up of it but don't know how to handle it all.
Thanks everyone for your advise

goodgran Mon 22-Jul-19 12:42:21

I know what needs to be done...I just don't know how sad

MissAdventure Mon 22-Jul-19 12:50:34

Try and do it very, very gradually, so you all get accustomed to the new 'normal'.
Good luck. Remember, she is a grown woman, so really, in the long run its better that she learns coping skills.

paddyann Mon 22-Jul-19 13:54:26

many 15 year olds are a nightmare but as mothers we try to work through it and not judge them for things they did then .She's had a tough run,whatever the reasons for her breakup she's still been left with children to raise and needs support ...not always financial but maybe if she felt you loved her and weren't just paying her off to get rid of her she might turn her self around.Try to talk to her and show you care and that you'll help her to budget and sort ehrself out .It might take time but you and she will feel better for it.By the way I've been there with the 15 year old from hell ,she admits it herself only she was nightmare from 13 until 18 and we worked at fixing her life.She is a wonderful caring woman now ,your daughter could be too.

Mossfarr Mon 22-Jul-19 14:08:56

We are in a very similar situation with our daughter, we are desperate to get away from her but our two year old Grandaughter will suffer if we move away.
We have now made the decision not to help her out financially any more so we'll have to grit our teeth and stand firm through the tough times ahead.
Our son in Canada has been through hell over the last year when his wife left him taking their two boys. He has never asked us for anything even though we know he struggled financially for quite a while. We send him little 'gifts' every now and again and he is so appreciative its worth every penny.
Amazing how different siblings can be isn't it?

goodgran Mon 22-Jul-19 15:03:10

That is not helpful and very insulting! No where have I suggested she doesn't feel loved! Quite the opposite. She's very loved thanks

goodgran Mon 22-Jul-19 15:07:12

Thanks Mossfarr. It's so difficult when you feel so hurt. We have been so supportive to her emotionally and financially but she's so headstrong which is why her relationships have failed. We have told her that we can no longer pay her rent. So that's a big step forward for us. The grandkids are what keep us helping. It's so hard to deal with. Our son like yours asks for nothing. He's made better life choices thankfully

Grammaretto Mon 22-Jul-19 15:18:04

Paddyann was only trying to help!
You do make it sound as though you favour your son. You are very critical of your DD.
Love is unconditional. Love shouldn't hold grudges or expect anything in return.

goodgran Mon 22-Jul-19 19:59:42

Grammaretto...well she didn't help!!! I came on here for advice..not judgement. I love my daughter but am fearful for her future if she continues down this path. So I should just carry on giving her money whenever she wants it!? Omg. You are ridiculous!! And clearly have never had to deal with a problem in your life! I'm out of here!

Grammaretto Mon 22-Jul-19 20:13:44

I didn't say that you should keep giving her money, did I?
I suggested you had a proper talk to her.
You are seeing this as judgement and now storming off. How are you ever going to deal with problems if you behave like that?
You say I'm ridiculous. That sounds like judgement to me!.
I am sorry that your situation with your daughter has become intolerable and I won't say anything more if it merely antagonises you.

crazyH Mon 22-Jul-19 20:29:46

Goodgran, you sound very, very stressed. I feel for you, but Paddyann , Grammaretto and the others are trying to help, advice and share their experiences with you, that's all.
Don't get upset....we are all Grandparents/parents who have had problems of one kind or another . Hope you feel better soon. As mothers we try to help our children as much as we can. I do, but I never forget that I, am my priority. No one else will help me if and when I need

Hithere Mon 22-Jul-19 22:09:03

"She blew up at me so I told her to be grateful and respectful."

What happened that she blew up?
What was said and done and by whom?

"I know what needs to be done...I just don't know how sad"
So what do you think needs to be done?
Many times, you have to adjust stop doing what you have been doing
It is the action that is hard, but the feelings involved

Abuelana Mon 22-Jul-19 23:08:26

I’d break it down into sections and as you say you know what you need to do. It’s just difficult....
Give a go at writing it down and put into a time line let her know at what stage you will be implementing things.
Paying her rent to stop by /*/*
Running her car to stop by ??
Ex should be paying for children if not - that needs to be sorted.

No way should you have to sell your home to support her. Unless you really want to release equity for your own use.
Hope you find the strength that you need to solve this situation in time.
Be brave and get this sorted before it gets worse.

Starlady Tue 23-Jul-19 06:39:47

It sounds to me as if you and DD are both very stressed, goodgran. Hugs! It also seems as if you and DH are very conflicted, you want to continue helping for the GC's sake, but you are fed up w/ DD's expectations and want to stop. I agree w/ those who say you need to sort out what you are and aren't willing to continue to do. Also, I agree that change should come gradually, so you all have time to adjust, and so that DD doesn't feel as if she had the rug pulled out from under her. I hope this will all be resolved over time.

DD may be more grateful for your help than you think, just doesn't take the time to show it, especially when she's upset about something else. You now know she doesn't show much gratitude, so please let go of that expectation. At the same time, please don't let her frequent complaints get you down, they are probably more a reflection of her frustrations than anything you've done or haven't done. I'm another one wondering what she blew up about though. Maybe it's key to some of the tensions between you.

Meanwhile, kudos for being there for your GC! Also, I'm so sorry about your and DH's health issues. Please remember to take care of yourselves even if it means saying no to a few things. Hopefully, DD can understand that if you don't take care of yourselves, you won't be able to do much for her and the GC, anyhow. Besides, you deserve to have some time and space for self-care and relaxation.

oldgimmer1 Tue 23-Jul-19 07:28:04

She may be better off than you think. She'll be getting child benefit for at least two of the DCs and, if on a lowish salary, Tax Credits as well.

Get onto a benefits calculator such as Entitled To and crunch her figures in.

She may also be getting maintenance from her ex as well. If she's on Universal Credit to top up her wages,the figures should be broadly similar.

Arm yourself! Then confront. She's taking the pee and you're enabling her.

BlueBelle Tue 23-Jul-19 09:29:28

goodgran rushing off like this isn’t helpful either You have said you’re at the end of your tether and people are trying to give you ideas of how to help yourself, but there are going to be things you don’t want to hear because it’s never all one sided is it, and even if it was you have to sometimes hear a different way to get out of it so please hang around and take the rough with the smooth
You love both your children but obviously the son is easier to like as well as love as he’s not caused you the difficulties in life but you do have to look carefully as to how you come across You might know you love them equally but does your daughter know that? Just a thought
I think you have set the standard by bailing her out so much if she is working can’t she pay her rent and utilities and car and phone whilst you can help with the children clothes food entertainment etc that would be a start
Is she getting all the allowances she is entitled to ?
Can you help her draw up a repayment plan for her debts or take her to CAB they are wonderful at helping with that
These are better practical issues than selling your home and giving her large chunks of money which she ll never be able to repay and leave you with a big old resentment and her feeling totally and utterly inadequate
She probably doesn’t thank you as she’s mortally embarrassed that she’s needing your reinforcement
Talking is good but not if you have a short fuse like you ve just shown on here I know that’s stress showing but really do calm yourself before tackling anything with her
And good luck

jaylucy Tue 23-Jul-19 10:16:30

Not easy bringing up children on your own and am glad that she has you to help out.
Maybe she has got so wrapped up in rushing here and there with work, kids , home etc, she has forgotten to stop and take stock. Maybe she hates her job as well ?
I think you certainly need to all sit down and work out your next steps. Explain that you can no longer afford to pay for her car etc and take her along to your nearest CAB for them to help work out her budget and also make sure that she is claiming for everything she is entitled to. What about her ex husband? he should be helping to support the children financially.
Lastly, book both yourself and your daughter in for a manicure/pedicure - if you have a local FE college, that has beauty therapy as part of the curriculum, it need not be expensive. It will give you both an hour away from stress and my give you both a chance to get back to not just mum and daughter, but two adults as friends that seems to have lost touch over the years.

Gingergirl Tue 23-Jul-19 10:16:34

Start with some small changes. Just tiny steps....and tell your daughter that as you both have health isssues, it’s necessary. Focus more on what you need and want, rather than on your daughters behaviour and start now, by changing something that will make your life just a little easier. Don’t think of it as all or nothing...just a little move at a time. It doesn’t matter if it makes your daughter unhappy or angry at this stage, and don’t enter into emotional arguments with her. She will sense eventually, that you have some new willpower and will manipulate you less. Its hard but possible.

Deni1963 Tue 23-Jul-19 10:19:00

Tough love. No more money. Yes spoil the grand children etc but you need to give her some tough love - and tell her so directly. That you love her. But this has come to an end with you, and there just isn't anymore money. She is an adult and has to learn to manage - and treat you with respect.