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Grandparenting

Too sensitive?

(25 Posts)
Widget1 Fri 02-Aug-19 09:51:47

Hi, I’m new to Gransnet and this is my first post.

I have one gd 9 months old, my dil is keen to return to work and will doing so by the end of the month. A couple of months ago I offered to provide childcare one day a week, since then there has been no mention of my offer, a nursery place has been arranged for 37 hours a week. I’m really not at all upset that my offer wasn’t taken but I would feel so much better if they’d said “thanks but no thanks”. I feel not good enough and disregarded. On top of that carefully chosen presents for my gd, given with gift receipts, were advertised on FB still with the tags on! Probably being over sensitive but I have found it hurtful.

Gonegirl Fri 02-Aug-19 09:56:50

No, you're not being unreasonable. The nursery places probably come as a weekly package. I think you have to accept this. But she could have thanked you for the offer.

The presents being advertised on FB is diabolical. I would have to say something to her.

dragonfly46 Fri 02-Aug-19 10:03:11

The presents on FB that is shocking. At least my DiL pretends to like what I bought. I now make a point of saying that it gave me pleasure to buy them but will not be offended if they don’t wear them.

My DS’s MiL offered to baby mind their first baby but my DS and wife decided that nursery would give their child a better experience. They always ask her for the odd occasion, however. They should have spoken to you about it though.

Minniemoo Fri 02-Aug-19 10:07:15

Over sensitive? I think you're being very composed. The presents on FB, for sale? That's absolutely appalling. I'd be upset, angry, horrified and indeed, very very hurt.

Does your son know about this?

Daisymae Fri 02-Aug-19 10:37:24

That's a bit off, they should have let you know about the childcare arrangements. Having said that, stand by you may well be needed in the future so I would keep quiet. With regard to the gift, I would be inclined to ask what they want in future and if you don't get a specific answer then buy a premium bond for the grandchild. I would tell them that you have seen the gifts advertised and don't want to waste your time and money in future. Tactfully of course!

NotSpaghetti Fri 02-Aug-19 10:44:55

Us grandmothers do buy things we love though don't we. Even when we think our adult children will like them too - especially baby clothes.

I've just bought some fabulous Scandinavian clothes for one grandchild which were appreciated (and are being worn), but apparently look "just like the ones we used to wear" according to my daughter! And yes! She is right of course! If only I could have afforded them more often! 😍

NotSpaghetti Fri 02-Aug-19 10:47:53

I do wonder, given that she had the gift receipts, why she didn't just take them back for an exchange...
I might be inclined to offer to exchange them for her in your position. "I see the x, y, z don't suit/fit/are duplicates, shall I swap them for something you need?" maybe.

Hithere Sat 03-Aug-19 00:02:48

Could you ask what they need or want before buying anything?

mumofmadboys Sat 03-Aug-19 05:54:10

It is very hurtful behaviour re the presents widget. But I wonder if it is best to keep quiet and ask in future what they would like. As the saying goes - least said, soonest mended.

BlueBelle Sat 03-Aug-19 06:35:35

First welcome widget
I agree with other posters disrespectful and thoughtless to put gifts for sale on fb I would feel very hurt, there are much better ways if she didn’t need or want them in future I would ask what to buy (it takes the fun out of it but better than them being sold on)
The nursery place is more understandable they probably wanted the consistency of just the one placement but the lack of conversation to your offer is a bit thoughtless Don’t just blame the daughter in law though where’s your son in this why isn’t he explaining to you

fizzers Sat 03-Aug-19 08:33:31

NotSpaghetti's suggestion is a good one, personally I'd be inclined to go with that, I'd also check in advance what items are required in the future, should they appear on FB for sale again, then I'm afraid that would be the end of gifting until the child was old enough to say what they wanted. There's nothing so hurtful as having kindness thrown in your face.

March Sat 03-Aug-19 08:45:25

I think there's 2 separate issues.
The childcare, they should of at least told you.

Listing unwanted gifts on Facebook I can see it from both sides. Do they need the money? Does the kid have too much? Do they need the space? Would it ever be used?
I wouldn't say anything about those, it's been assumed your DIL has done this, it could be your son or both of them.

leyla Sat 03-Aug-19 08:49:56

I expect you will be first port of call when your GC is ill, or if they are running late for pick ups, etc. Also in time when GC is at school you will be needed for illness and holiday cover etc. so keep on good terms. Perhaps you could say that you’ve realised that they’ve chosen to go with the Nursery but that you want them to know that you will be happy to help if and when needed, if you are available.
The gifts thing is naughty and tactless. I would stop buying ad hoc things and when it gets to Xmas or birthdays ask what is required.

Granny23 Sat 03-Aug-19 09:45:13

Please don't make a fuss about these perceived slights and have the young couple regarding you as someone to be treated with kid gloves. There is probably a discount for booking the full week in the nursery and having a different arrangement for one day, would not be cost effective nor good for the baby's routine. However, remember that Baby cannot go to nursery if she is unwell, has been sick, etc. so alternative care will sometimes be needed on an ad hoc basis. Also the couple may well want to occasionally have a night out or attend a function and would be very happy to have a willing baby sitting Granny on call.

New borns, especially first borns are inundated with gifts and clothing, usually in first sizes. It is unfortunate that you spotted your gifts for sale on Facebook, but the probability is that the couple thought it was kinder to dispose of them without telling you to save, not create hurt feelings. It is good to vent your feelings here on Gransnet but you must not add to DIL's stress (Going back to work after a baby IS very stressful) by letting them know how hurt you feel.

BradfordLass72 Sun 04-Aug-19 05:13:00

Most of the major department stores here have their own gift cards, which you can buy - they would suit anyone's budget.
You can then use them for toys, clothing or indeed anything at all.

If there's a similar arrangement where you live, this might solve the problem.

Peonyrose Sun 04-Aug-19 05:31:37

You are not being too sensitive. I understand where you are coming from. The items on Facebook is dreadful. However I would not say anything, In future ask what is needed and that when you give it enclose the receipt if they get two. They have different ideas to us, but there is a better way to make your point. I used to get upset when I bought things and never saw children in them, but never said anything, it's a bit
like walking on egg shells sometimes.💐 As for child care, it's a juggling act as a working new mum, perhaps what they have chosen is a more efficient, again it could have been explained to you, but let it go as I am sure if and when, they will want you for baby sitting.

Tonk Sun 04-Aug-19 06:04:33

Gift receipts don’t entitle you to a refund though do they? You can only get an exchange or a voucher / gift card so I’m wondering if they really need the money hence why they’re selling it on FB? If DIL is nearing the end of maternity leave then money might be tight.

Sara65 Sun 04-Aug-19 08:24:48

I agree it’s two separate issues. Regarding nursery, my parents in law offered their services one day a week with my youngest, but I wanted consistency, for her and me, and politely declined. No hard feelings on either side.

The baby clothes thing is different, I’m sure quite often babies are given way too much in first size clothes, but if she has all the receipts, why not go and exchange them for something else?

In future I would just get a gift card, sad though, one of the joys of having grandchildren is buying all the gorgeous things you couldn’t afford for your own

ElaineI Sun 04-Aug-19 20:12:43

I don't understand why she would sell on facebook as she would get less than exchanging or returning to a shop. Both DDs returned things to shop and got next size or something they didn't have or needed. Usually next size or next again size.It worked very well. I would be hurt as well.

Doodle Sun 04-Aug-19 20:39:54

When our first DGC was born (a girl) I indulged myself and bought her some beautiful dresses. Having had two boys myself I made up for it with DGD. My dear DIL dutifully dressed her daughter in these dresses when they came to visit us but it was obvious that they and our DGD were more comfortable in other outfits. I think we grandparents should ask what parents want as gifts or give them money to buy what they think is suitable.

Sara65 Sun 04-Aug-19 22:17:40

Doodle

I have to agree, my mother in law favoured smocked dresses, pretty, but impractical, and dreadful to iron, but she meant well, and my daughter dutifully wore them (sometimes)

I do buy things for my grandchildren occasionally on impulse, but usually, I only buy clothes when I’m out with my daughters, I think I know what they like, but I can get it so wrong!

GoodMama Mon 05-Aug-19 02:07:23

Widget1,
I say this with kindness and compassion in an effort to help you, I think perhaps you are a little too sensitive and they know it, hence why they avoid uncomfortable conversations with you (just a thought).

You offered childcare one day a week. For whatever reason they have chosen full-time nursery. They didn't tell you. While they do not owe you an explanation it would have been kind of them to say "no, thank you". Perhaps they were worried you would engage them in debate on it or be upset, so they decided to avoid it all together.

The gifts on facebook are odd. There could be many reasons why they are available for sale vs using the gift receipts and some posters here have offered very possible reasons why. I would ask you if you often give gifts? Are they usually welcomed and thanked? Have they ever mentioned or requested anything about you not gifting or limiting your gifts?

How is your relationship with them otherwise? Do they reach out to you and make plans to see you in their own?

sodapop Mon 05-Aug-19 08:34:46

I think your family are thoughtless widget They should have at least explained their choice of nursery against your offer to care for your grandchild.
The issue with the gifts I would find hurtful as well, they could have been exchanged without the public display on FB. I would talk to them about this and let them know you are hurt.

Madmaggie Thu 08-Aug-19 18:22:43

Hi widget1, i too am new to this site today. I really do understand your feelings. It's like a minefield sometimes. My Daughter is due in 2 months, we know it's a girl & I've been so tempted to buy pretty girly things. I have bought some things but in older sizes. It's been so hard to resist. I too would be hurt to have made such a loving offer & commitment and to be ignored. As nurseries will not take poorly children I'm sure you will become a godsend should your grandchild have a cold! Why not just save up the money you would have spent, say nothing then when appropriate ask for it to go into the babes bank account. Hang in there.

Widget1 Fri 09-Aug-19 10:52:04

Thank you for all your replies. It’s more in context now, and I’m feeling much better about the situation. Thanks again