Are we being unreasonable?

I found it really difficult with my in laws, who are lovely and did nothing wrong. Becoming a new mum is a massive adjustment. Although not depressed, I had baby blues for months and didnt behave well.

I'd always liked my in-laws but I suddenly found them overbearing. My mil in particular expressed her wishes really early on. I was still recovering from a difficult birth and she was talking about trips she wanted to do with the baby, sleepovers to 'give me a rest' etc. She made lots of pushy suggestions that she would do the childcare, not asking what we were planning. All lovely stuff but I was an emotional wreck and felt like she was getting carried away with her new role and taking over. It also didnt help that I hadn't grown up with any grandparents who took a interest in me, whereas my husband's grandma had lived with them and had basically bought him up while his mother worked. She made quite a few comments about it being 'her turn now'. She retired soon after the baby was bor. I found it really threatening. Completely irrational, I know.

I've always been close to my mum and I just naturally felt happier leaving the baby with her. There was no new role to negotiate and no awkward conversations when I was over tired and paranoid about my tiny baby. I could just tell her straight to her face to take off the ridiculously thick cardigan in August or to keep her weaning advice to herself (my poor mum!). It was a case of leaving the baby with someone I could talk straight to and cry in front of.

Thankfully there was never a falling out but I think I must have upset them with my behaviour. Gradually it all changed. I just got over the new mum stuff and as I found my confidence my in laws became less threatening. As soon as my son could express his own wishes and i saw his little face light up when they arrived it all fell into place and I relaxed. He loves spending time with them and I love the help they've provided and that he has a family he loves. What helped was that they chilled out and I think adjusted their expectations and stopped talking about their plans and expectations of being grandparents which made me feel more in control.

My advice would be to have no expectations the first few months and take their lead. Show your gratitude for the little contact you have, even if it is just a weekly update and dont push for more just make it clear you are happy to help in anyway. You might not be getting the baby cuddles you'd hoped for but the most important thing is your relationship with his parents. There is so much time ahead of you and things will change. The worst that can happen is a falling out over it all. I'm not proud of how I behaved, but I think it helps to understand the other side.

Thestens.your first answer from dragonfly was spot on. Paternal grandparents are never going to be as important to a DiL as her own parents. We live a 5hr drive away from our son's family. They and we make it very special when we do meet up. This is regularly for all birthdays, Christmas etc. Make the most of what ou have .

I can understand your DiL not wanting the crib, as new parents enjoy choosing their own cots/pushchairs/etc., and often already have ideas about what they want. Also, new parents often get so many clothes bought for their new baby, and they hardly get chance to wear them before they are outgrown, so I really wouldn't feel offended about that at all ... I went a little overboard when my GC was born, and the clothes were hardly worn.

However, I don't think you are being unreasonable to want to see more of your first, and only, grandchild. Regardless of how often you saw your son and DiL before baby was born. When adult children finally leave home/get married, they have their own busy lives to lead, and many of us don't want to live in each others pockets. But when grandchildren come along, this is a new stage in all your lives. And, as a paternal GM myself, I totally understand that you may feel a little bit pushed out, especially when the maternal GM is getting to spend so much more time with the baby. I do remember it very well, when I had my own children, I would always spend much more time with my own mum, which I think is totally natural. I honestly never expected, or had any intentions to encroach on that special mother-daughter relationship between my Dil and her own mum. However, looking back on my own relationship with my MiL, at the time had my own children, I actually bitterly regret now not having included her more. Whilst unintentional, I totally understand now how upsetting it must've been for her, and my FiL. I really do think sometimes that DiLs, and their mothers, should perhaps realize that grandchildren are just as important, and loved just as much by paternal grandparents, as they are by maternal grandparents.

Thankfully, I'm lucky to be able to say that, after a bit of a sticky start, within a few months, things did sort of work themselves out. Even to the point where the maternal GPs, who are retired and have very busy lives, are often too busy, and my husband and I manage to get our own special time with our gorgeous GC!

Excellent posts from @Hithere

If you only saw them every couple of months pre-baby, then you've seen them more now that when the baby was here. If you didn't see much of each other pre-baby you cannot expect to suddenly see them frequently.

Of course she isn't going to want someone to look after the baby who hasn't seen much of them, that's only natural.

New mums often want to choose their own things, not be given old items that now may be out of date safety regulation wise.

I don't think what you're describing sounds out of the ordinary.

If you didn't have a close relationship before I don't think you can push for one now there is a baby. All you can do is indicate that you would love to see them more whenever they are available, and leave the ball in their court.

It's hard being the Mother of a boy, girls will gravitate towards their family. You want to be involved and help and get to know the baby, everyone is right you have to be patient.Not easy I know

Expectations can be very different, even seem unreasonable to other family members. For example, when my parents moved to the coast, they had a spare bedroom on their 'tick box' list. My mother thought that her three grown children would want to stay regularly (especially in the summer holidays).

I wondered how on Earth it would be possible, considering I'd only have two weeks off work. How could I manage to fit four children in that room - along with myself and all our gear? (Mum always insisted on her own bedroom and there were three.) Could I arrange for somebody to house-sit and look after the pets? Would I ever be able to save enough for the train fares?

In the end I only stayed twice, for weekends and alone. The kids just didn't want to go so my pet-sitting friend also babysat. I never did sleep in the spare room, only on the sofa-bed in the lounge. My sister stayed once, my brother did not.

Of course, they never managed to visit us as they 'only drove locally'. Train travel was somehow out of the question. We were chastised for hardly ever seeing them, despite weekly phone calls and day visits every few months. They failed to realise that moving 85 miles away would result in less contact! None of us relished a two hour drive or train journey.

I concur with Bradford Lass. Take it easy, accept things as they are for now, and it will come right eventually. Take good care of yourself.

Bradfordlass

That just about sums it up, kind words wisely spoken

What you have described above Thestens is weeks of extreme stress due to illness, lots of travel, overtiredness and worry, not to mention the fear of losing your father-in-law.
So what you and your DH are feeling: sensitive and depressed, is due to this and only a tiny proportion of it anything to do with the new baby.

And in this state, you have allowed yourselves to be further influence by very unwise comments by friends who have thrown up their hands and said how shocked they are.

At what? At young parents trying to work out a whole new regime for themselves?

At a couple who saw their older relatives with health problems to cope with, plus a working holiday to negotiate - so have not wanted to place more onto your already very full plates?
To me, that seems thoughtful.

Of course you would like to see them and baby more often but you've already accepted, without anxiety and depression I assume, that they are a young couple with the usual mega-busy lives. Now even busier with a new baby which is only a few weeks old

Your husband has done himself no favours by convincing himself nothing will change.

Of course it will.

So not unreasonable Thestens but jumping the gun a bit, being sensituve as a result of stress and not seeing that the future may well be much rosier than you (or shocked friends) imagine.

Be kind to yourselves. Give it time.

Theses...….No, I don't think you're being unreasonable.

I'm sorry some people feel the need to be so aggressive in their replies to you. I think they can get a bit evangelical at times!

I hope you can find a way to a compromise with your son and dil.

It's hard, unfair and sad.
But you don't have the power in this relationship, the mother does.

my very best wishes to you and your husband.

May be not unreasonable , but definitely unrealistic,
Try to relax about it all, it’s early days
What about sending a little card/ flowers
saying you will be more than happy to lend a helping hand or pop around for a quick visit , but that you understand they want time to themselves . Your son is doing his best, don’t make it more difficult for him.
Get on with your own lives, the time will come when they will want to involve you more but that time is not now. why would you even consider they would want a years old used crib that probably doesn’t even meet today’s safety standards . Can you explain what exactly you achieve/ gain if they had said yes to the crib ? For some families it may be a case of necessity, for you it’s an idealistic tradition. At the end of the day it should be about what this new family unit want. Best wishes .

Sorry?

Sara65,

Why and how is Thestens responsible for somebody else's feelings of their unreasonable expectations?

That is for the grandparents to manage

But I think it’s sad for grandparents who seem to be excluded, especially when their expectations have been so different.

They've seen more of the couple since the baby was born than they usually see of them

You cannot materialise a close knit family out of thin air once you want to be hands on grandparents if you did not have a close knit relationship with the couple pre baby.

The OP has had unrealistic expectations re grandparenting a child whose parents she doesnt see all the time and is trying to deal with that, but she is certainly not "excluded" and using immotive words like that when they dont apply wont help OP to see things clearly.

She has seen them 3 times in 8 weeks. For brand new first time parents, that is a lot to see someone who isnt in your "inner circle"

Hithere

No that’s true, but that’s how they’re feeling at the moment.

In this case, they are not excluded.

They are not as involved as their son and dil want them to be.

But I think it’s sad for grandparents who seem to be excluded, especially when their expectations have been so different.

I do agree about the crib, I think they have every right to choose their own baby equipment, so I wouldn’t be offended by that, don’t give them any cause to exclude you, be there in the background if needed, and hopefully your relationship will build from that

Hetty

I know what you mean!!

You need to get over this idea that "what you did with your inlaws, our DIL should do with us". That can only end in tears.

I do agree with Minniemoo and I wouldn't have wanted the crib either, it is part of the excitement of becoming parents to choose your own things. I doubt any offence was meant. I am sure in time you will have more contact, it is very early days. It sounds as if you have had enough stress in your lives recently, try to rekax now and enjoy your time together.

I agree with Sara65. Things may change but also try to be prepared that they may not and things may be very different to your expectations. If that is the case, acceptance is hard but very important for your own peace of mind

I've got the opposite problem. I see too much of my kids and grandkids and I'd honestly like more time to myself. I feel that I've brought them up and done my job.

Now I'm in a new phase of my life with other interests, and, although I enjoy the visits, I'd rather they were shorter and less frequent. (Perhaps we should swap?)

I don’t really think you’re being unreasonable, maybe you had visions of you all bonding over a new baby, and of course it’s fun buying baby clothes, but a baby only needs so much

I think if your daughter in law is on maternity leave, this time is very precious to her, and she will want to make the most of it.

You have obviously been more than generous financially, and I do think perhaps a little more gratitude might be expected, so I can see it’s hurtful

As others have said, sit back and wait, things may change.

Are we being unreasonable?

Yes you and your husband are being very unreasonable.

My DD does not always visit her MiL when her DH & kids go to visit. It give exclusive time for DH & DGC with granny! Not done maliciously! DSiL does not always come here! But we have a good & loving relationship! Also gives time for parent to have time to do stuff without kids in the house! It is,still early days. I do think you have done some kind things.. student loan etc. and whilst that does not 'buy' time with dgc your dil needs to appreciate that you love your dgc just as much as her mum does & learn to be a bit more flexible.