Step grandchildren - AIBU

I was a single parent for 10 years but no-one made any allowances for me - I just got on with it.

This might be a large part of the reason that this situation touches a nerve with you. It's natural for unresolved feelings from the past really upset us when we face similar situaitons in the present. Perhaps it would have been rather wonderful if there had been someone to help you when you were a lone parent.

This could be used as a way to explore you past hurt and to set it aside and become warmer to this young family who sound as though they are struggling albeit in a different way.

However if you really hate it that much then there's nothing wrong with going to stay somewhere else when they come to stay and leaving them all to it.

When DH and I got married his family became mine and mine became his. Our marriage means we share responsibility and support each other and families. Your stepson has a lot on his plate and could do with some support from you. Help where you can and enjoy the company of his children. Why don't you and your husband take the girls out for a day and let their father catch up on some sleep?

Ellie, my heart goes out to you. Guests are stressful at the best of times, and this is not the best of times.
No, this is not normal behaviour for primary school children, but kids know at a very early age in what situations they can get away with murder! Pick your battles with them and him. Max 4 I'd say. Earbuds are cheap and a must. Imo the interrupting adults - it would send me insane.
Is his low carb diet for health reasons? Irritating but no potatoes, pasta or bread. Breakfast bacon and eggs, it's the worst meal to accommodate. Forgive me but just give him the same as everyone else but without the above ingredients! If he's hungry - too bad. (Mashed potato can be substituted with cauliflower and broccoli mash if you're feeling kind.)
Chin up. Good luck. I think you're a saint to have them back expecting this mayhem.

Maybe plan some activities that you and the girls can do together. You can then be in control, but also get to know them better.

REMOVE the 'step' and start again. They are your grandchildren. And they only come twice a year for goodness sake.
I have a step grandson. Obviously he has been brought up differently to how my biol grandchildren have been brought up because his parents were brought up differently. I love him. I love the way he is different. I also have adopted members of my extended family. I NEVER include the 'adoptive' bit in my thinking. It really helps you to react more fairly and rationally.
Honestly - everything you describe sounds like a total pain in the rear for you and I sympathise BUT it also sounds like any other visiting relative stn. Read some of the complaints on Gnet from Gparents complaining about exactly the same behaviour from biological grandchildren.
Get over the step and get on with it.

Grandetante - I agree about the washing machine, although it is only a small part of the difficulty.

A few years ago I was party to 2 sides of a visit:
A said 'I was quite happy to put my own washing in the machine, but she didn't tell me how to use it, and I was really worried about doing something wrong, and I didn't know if she thought putting our clothes in together was dreadful or acceptable. I left some bits out to ask and next thing she'd put them through and dried them and left them for me'.
B said 'she left her washing out for me to do'!!

Go away and leave your husband to cope with it all. It's not worth the stress.

Ellie I sympathise. I have a friend who I love, get on really well with, who comes for 3-4 days over Christmas and I can't wait for her to go! I know it's just me but I find entertaining visitors stressful. I know that I should relax, like others seem to do, but I just can't as I feel personally responsible for them enjoying themselves.
For you, depending on how long they stay, definitely use some of the suggestions above plus build in some sanity-saving stuff for yourself, as I am learning to do. If the men don't cook, have a least a couple of nights with takeaways. Pay for them but get the girls to choose and make the list and get your SS to collect them. As for SS being tired, presumably he's not an OAP too! Okay he's a single parent but surely a day's rest should set him back on track. So arrange an early day out with DH and GC without him so he can recharge his batteries. Take the GC to a recommended indoor play area so they can bounce and slide away their energy. It's weather-proof, many suggestions on Groupon, and you can buy hot lunch and don't have to cook. Sandwiches when you get back or pick up a pizza. Don't forget to say to SS 'we're taking the girls to give you a chance to catch up on washing etc. Get your own meals, plenty in the fridge'. Arrange long days out so that the girls are tired when they get back, SS can enjoy parenting, and they all have some lovely memories. Sometime towards the end of their stay, arrange a full day out just for you 'that you really can't avoid, so sorry'. Don't explain or say where you are going but make sure you go, even alone. Recharge your batteries and make sure you don't do anything at all that day for them. Tell OH, SS and GC all together as soon as they arrive which day you are going out so that they have time to think of a plan for that day. In the days in between don't be afraid to say 'I'll clear the dishes, you wash them/stack the dishwasher', '** lay the table', 'clear away your toys and then we'll go out'. It takes a bit of training yourself, but insist, children actually like a bit of order themselves. You will have to be proactive, assertive and insistent as it seems that no-one else is going to be.

No, sorry it’s nit at all ‘the way kids are these days’ and definitely your house your rules. No tablets No TV. Mine don’t have endless hours of TV or tablets, funnily enough they’re quiet and respectful.
Can you fill their days ( not that it’s your job to) with little jobs? Weeding the garden? Teach them how to do laundry? Bake with them? Cook supper? Do it one on one, have plenty of books to read and board games- scooters bikes trips to the park with a picnic.
They sound bored and have a lack of structure.

Sorr, I hope that helps. I completely agree with you they shouldn’t be trashing your house but be respectful of it and you. Good luck xx

I agree that it is only twice a year, but he is not your son, so can't your husband do the washing or better still, his son. If men can drive cars, work the tv control, mobile phone etc they can use a washing machine. Ditto for your husband with cooking. It's hard to expect children to change their eating habits for a visit twice a year though. I couldn't have eaten cheese to save my life as a child, but compromise is the answer with food- and a chat before hand about what they are prepared to eat- that can change daily.

Going away sounds perfect if it’s an option you can afford - sounds great.

Next time they bring their dirty washing, take both girls to the washing-machine and teach them how to sort washing, fill the machine, chose the right programme and wash the b. clothes!

Later on they will bless you.

I too hold to the my house, my rules thing. If your son needs or wants special food for himself or his children, he goes and buys it and pays for it.

If he hasn't realised that the OAP isn't bountiful, now is the time to tell him.

Step-children need to be treated is if they were your own, both when they are adorable and when they are not.

They just sound like normal children to me. Children are noisy, talkative and full of energy. Once our own children have grown I think we forget how 'full on and exhausting they are.
I wonder how welcome they feel though as it sounds as though you really don't like them. Could you organise some activities or days out while they are staying with you?

Sorry - terrible typing. Should proofread first!

Pick your battles. Work on the part that is bothering you most. Ear buds or headphones are a good idea. As is getting them involved in the food prep if you can. Telling that he will gave to put up with your high carb diet this time, but if he us still on it next time go let you know in advance and you will shop accordingly. Get your DH on your side by asking for help implementing these fairly gentle ideas. I think perhaps their father feels he needs a break and some support. You may not have had it, but it doesn't mean it wasn't needed or shouldn't be given.

Does DSS have children 24/7 or does he visit just when he has children for odd weeks?

Unless they are coming twice a year for six months at a time, then yes, I think you are being unreasonable.

If you want things to change to the way that you want them to be, then you going away and leaving them to it isn't going to achieve that.

Baby steps is the way to go. Change small things at a time. You've had some good suggestions upthread, but don't expect you're going to get two compliant perfectly behaved children at the click of your fingers.

And I'm not surprised your step son is falling asleep - he must be worn out. Just because xyz person can manage being a single parent with no support, doesn't mean that everyone can be the same. Cut the man a bit of slack.

Although - exaggerating, obviously - maybe you should go away and leave them to it, because honestly a drunken po-faced step-mother/grandmother who clearly resents them being there and hasn't a good word to say for any one of them, will be making them feel very unwelcome, and the behaviour you describe may be well their way of "hitting back" at you.

Think I’ve got sympathy for both sides!

Sorry, that was a bit long winded!

Whilst I think it would have been polite for your stepson to have let you know that he was eating low carb I do think there are things you could do to make the visit easier all round. How long do they stay for each time? Plan an outing each day for the girls.

Make a list of all the free or cheap activities in your area and make an itinerary. You and your dh could take turns in accompanying them (with or without their df) whilst the other has a rest. You might be able to collect some discount vouchers prior to their visit which will help with cost. Get them to help with jobs around the house by making it fun.

Buy the girls earphones (Poundland) and explain that you are getting more sensitive to noise so they need to use them. Get them to help you cook meals that they will eat.

I notice that you say “my husband’s grandchildren”. Do they call you Granny? It sounds as if you don’t have much of a bond with the girls. Perhaps it’s just me but my husband’s grandson (dsd’s little boy) is every bit as much my Grandson as his. He is really hard work (ASD and diabetic) but we love seeing him, all be it in short bursts!

I wouldn’t have a problem doing a couple of loads of washing and did all dsd’s for 3 weeks whilst she was waiting for for her new machine to be delivered but you could get dh or dss to do it.

With a bit of work and planning you could turn their visit into something you could all enjoy. Failing that, yes, bail out and leave them to it.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Big smacks needed here ! For you ! Stop the booze ! Yes, it's annoying when you buy in food then people turn their nose up at it and you're left with it , either freeze it for their return , if poss or suggest they do their own thing ? Your step
son obviously likes returning home as it helps him with the kids but he's needing a smack too ! Life's really hard isn't it , soon the kids won't want to come , you'll be dumped , so grit your teeth and enjoy the good times .

quoteinvestigator.com/2010/05/01/misbehave/

Well they only come to visit once or twice a year, which is really not a lot.

How long do they stay for?

Your step son probably needs a chance to relax and unwind, it's difficult being a single parent no matter what the sex, and he probably sees visiting you and his father as a chance to grab that, however it's your house, and if the behaviour is that bad, then say something, don't just put up with it. if they are damaging things or throwing things around then you and your husband have to put a stop to it.

As for food, you must have some inkling of what they all eat, so I don't see that this should be an issue, I certainly would not be cooking individual meals. You could also ask your step son to bring a carrier bag of food that he/they will eat.

It sounds as though these little girls don't have much female influence in their lives and it would be a shame that they can't count on you.

What type of things do they do when they all are at yours? If father just sits around all day then they are going to get bored and kick off and play up. Howabout a cheap day out to a local park with a picnic? museums? cinema? local libraries/museums quite often have child activities to do that don't usually cost anything. Check your local What's On guide and see what activities are available.

I can't stand the noise of computer games, when my grandchildren visit, if they use a tablet then it's earphones for them. This could be a start, buy a couple of pairs of earphones for use at your house it should then be a bit more peaceful.