Step grandchildren - AIBU

Your house, your rules. Yours son can eat what you put in front of him, or go out and buy his own. The girls likewise.

Tell the girls calmly, to please turn down the volume - and could one of them please set the table and the other one dry the dishes. Tell your lazy son to put the laundry in the washing machine and remind him that although he is your son he is a guest in your house and he and his girls have to respect your home.

Alcohol is probably going to do little to help the situation.

It's that bit harder for you as it's your DH's DS, but wildswan is right, your house, your rules.

My DS was a single parent for several years and found it hard to stay on top of everything. But he did cope with the washing, cooking etc. although discipline was a bit lax because he had to manage the best he could.

Don't try to cure everything at once. Pick just 3 or 4 things that irritate you most and see what you can do to change them - ask stepson to put washing in machine, girls to lay table as suggested. Mention to stepson that it helps if you know dietary requirements in advance - even make a point of asking him next time.

He probably hasn't even realised....

Low carb food isn't difficult, my DH does this to keep type 2 diabetes at bay. ( He was diagnosed about 2-3 years ago but has successfully reversed the condition) . Just cook your usual meals but don't serve potatoes or pasta,rice, bread etc.
Get the children to help you, give them tasks to do, get everyone out for a walk, to the park or whatever is near you.
If the son wants washing done point him towards the machine.
I understand that you were a single parent , but some people need a bit of support and a nudge in the right direction.

re the meals; extra veg in place of the carbs. Frozen works fine.

I agree with Septimia choose your battles, don't try to change everything. They only visit twice a year so try not to get too stressed about it.

If its only twice a year, I think you should just cope with it! Sorry.

I totally agree with ‘kitty’ how big a sacrifice is twice a year, try and enjoy they are just kids doing what kids do they are noisy they are excitable your son probably just needs a break and surely it’s nice to see the girls would it be different if it was your son and your grandkids I wonder

Being 8 and 11 year old girls I am surprised they are not dancing and singing all round the house and constantly on their phones! Get your stepson to put his own washing in and work the food round what they will eat combined with what you will eat, don't buy massive amount of food before they arrive, you could send them to do some shopping. Laying table, making their own bed and helping generally a good idea. Give them 'the look' when any bad behaviour starts or try distraction, good job its not two boys re-enacting World War 11 which we had yesterday. Good luck

AIBU - I think you are, somewhat.

This is what most 8 and 11 year old girls are like - noisy, lively! You could encourage them to help with tasks and to tidy up after themselves. The volume can be turned down on tablets. Their father sounds exhausted if he keeps falling asleep.

Would you feel the same if this was your own son and grandchildren? You do sound rather resentful.

I cant understand the folk who say "I just had to get on with it so why cant he" its different times for a start ,children dont have to be seen and not heard anymore and I'd be seriously worried if my GD's sat quietly all day or never interuppted because they were excited about something and just HAD to tell me right away.
I think you are being unreasonable ..like someone else said would you be the same if it was YOUR sonand his girls?

I think your idea of buggering off and leaving your DH to it is an excellent idea.
Your stepson was beyond rude to ask you to put a wash on for him. Has he not got a machine at home? If it was broken, he’d be most welcome to use mine as a one off, but as an able-bodied adult, I’d be agog at him expecting me to do it and I’d have told him to help himself.
Loads of people are single parents, I was one for a few years with two children, the youngest severely disable, it can be tough, but he sounds like a lazy arse.
And why are do doing all the running around? Is your DH disabled? Why isn’t DSS asking his dad to put a wash on and why isn’t he at least sharing the cooking?
Yes. Next time a visit is planned, arrange to go off to see a friend/ do a course the day after they arrive. Make a huge fuss of the girls that first day so they feel welcome, them leave them to it to have a lovely catch up with grandpa.
It a shame for the girls that their dad doesn’t seem to be doing a great job of parenting them, the fault lies with him, not them.

If all that happened once a month, I'd say you had good cause to moan - but twice a year? You are being unreasonable.

Yes, the children don't behave as you see fit, and their dad doesn't help out.....but once every 6 months? Grin and bear it, or clear off somewhere quiet and leave them to it.

I wouldn't be pandering to them at all. My son is a single father with two children of the same ages as yours, and he has made sure that they have some manners ! Letting them do what they like is not doing them any favours at all.

I'd tell the son that if he is on a special diet, maybe he could bring his own food since this is not what you eat. And then cook your normal meals - I doubt that he'll refuse to eat it. All he really has to do is to decline the potatoes and bread if he is low-carb .

I wouldn't have any problem with doing a load of washing, to be honest. The machine does the work , and he can hang the things up himself.

As for the noisy tablets, I'd tell them to turn the sound down / off. Or tell their father to go and get them headphones so they can listen at their own volume.

I really don't see why people should be expected to tolerate badly behaved guests, whatever their age or relationship.
It's different times for a start ,children don't have to be seen and not heard anymore.'
That does not excuse ignorant behaviour and bad manners.
I suggest the OP goes away the next time they visit, and leaves it to her husband to instil some manners into them.

Your husband needs to tell his son to parent for goodness sake!
How long do they stay?

Now, kids are loud, but the food and laundry is just plain rude.

I’d probably skip the next visit too

Do you get along with sson? It sounds like he thinks of you and an unpaid maid/cook/babysitter who gives him a free holiday

Sounds like a Spoiled brat

How terrible for you. I understand it’s only twice a year, but you probably dread it for weeks ahead of time, so it feels much longer.

8 and 11 is far too old to behave this way. They do it because no one puts them in place. They are guests in your home, feel free to set rules, boundaries and consequences.

Enlist their help in preparing meals and cleaning up. Come up with fun activities to all do together.

Don’t let step son visit and mentally check out as a parent, you do not become caregiver just because he’s overwhelmed. He’s an adult and a father, it’s tine for him to parent.

Give him and the girls responsibilities while at your home. Start with the basics, cleaning up after yourself, helping the host and not being disruptive. Buy them ear buds and insist they use them if they are going to be on their devices with others near.

Good luck to you. You shouldn’t have to leave your home. You should be able to build pleasant and fun relationships with each of them.

Stand firm.

Thank you all for your comments. GoodMama - you seem to get where I’m coming from.

Just to clarify - it’s not my son. If it were I’d be speaking to him quite severely and taking control of the grandchildren.

For me it’s about lack of respect. If it’s “the way kids are these days” then is it any wonder society is breaking down.

I think perhaps that you could cut these girls some slack. They have had the trauma of separation, they stay with you, when quite frankly you don't seem to like them very much, they have a father who is disinterested. they will soon grow up and probably won't want to come with their dad. I would try to chill for the time they are with you and make sure everyone plays a role in keeping the house in some sort of order.

Don't cook or do their laundry, for heaven's sake. Let the men do it. You're not there as a servant just because you are a woman.

I believe in good manners - from children and adults - and I think you deserve respect from these girls and their father. However, it is only twice a year and if this is the only child care he expects from you I don’t think it’s unreasonable. Point him towards the washing machine by all means and adapt rather than cook different meals, as another poster has said. But maybe try to do something with the girls (cinema, bowling) and get them onside. Hopefully you will then get a better response when you ask for help etc. Good luck!

Talk to your husband first, tell I'm you are going to impose your house, your rules when they coe to stay. If he doesn't agree then you simply say then I will be away for the weekend.
Next thing is to impose those rules, if they not turn the noise down, you take it away, they eat mainly what they they are given etc. You need to impose some tough love here.

It’s twice a year!
Just get on with it. Offer to take the kids out so their dad can have a break
Is doing a bit of washing really that hard?

I agree with Daisymae. My sympathies lie with the girls. The visits will probably stop as the girls get older, so it won't be forever. I know everyone is different, but when my adult children visit (with or without the grandchildren), they see it as a chance to relax and be 'mothered' again and I totally get that, as I did it with my Mum! I enjoy every minute and am happy to give them a much needed break.