Step grandchildren - AIBU

If I’m honest I feel a bit sorry for your Stepson and a lot sorry for your Step Grandchildren. It sounds like your Stepson is struggling a bit, yes, his behaviour is not very considerate but maybe he is exhausted, needs a bit of help and has come ‘home’ to get a bit of respite. You make it abundantly clear he’s not welcome, but it is his Dad’s home. As for the kids, you just sound as though you resent them massively and don’t want them to be there. If you spent a bit of quality time with them you might find their behaviour improved. They have already gone through the upheaval of their parents splitting up, maybe they don’t feel very welcome in your home

Nanny, There are many differences between looking after guests and being treated as a servant. One is gratitude.

Well without wishing to rock the boat too hard as a mum and a grandma I am an unpaid cook, housekeeper and babysitter when my family come to visit. The difference being that I think of it as helping and hospitality. Doesnt everyone look after guests when they come to stay?

so grit your teeth and enjoy the good times

In what world does a “good time” require gritting ones teeth?!

This Op is being treated poorly by those staying in her house and using her as an unpaid housekeeper/cook/babysitter.

This sounds terrible to me. Why should she put up with it? Why are so many women quick to tell other women that they don’t deserve more or to be treated kindly? Just “suck it up I wish I had your problems”. Yet, without fail we complain of the disrespect from youths. Where on earth do you think they learn it?

(Hint, they learn it from their elder relations and how they treat women. Is it any wonder today’s DILs refuse to be treated like second class humans?)

As for step son, he’s not a delicate flower to be waited on. He’s a parent for goodness sake. Why is he getting such a pass?

Next time they bring their dirty washing, take both girls stepson to the washing-machine and teach them how to sort washing, fill the machine, chose the right programme and wash the b. clothes! fixed that for you

How about preparing well in advance? Food frozen ready to just reheat. What leisure facilities do you have in your area?
Does your daily paper offer cinema tickets 2 for 1? Make it as easy on yourself as possible. If a glass of wine cheers you up then make it something to look forward to in the evening as your little treat. If you can afford to offer each member of the family a little evening treat from a short list then you will end the day on a good note. Aim to relax, you will all feel better without tension in the house. Find a good book and take yourself off to bed early.

Perhaps there is a reason stepson just sleeps rather than stepping up. If he's low carbing, it suggests he is overweight and perhaps that is affecting his sleep patterns.
Personally, it wouldn't bother me about the washing, I'd be telling him that this is the food in the house so if he needs different food he can source and cook it. The kids sound normal and as their grandparent, you are able to gently remind them of their manners.

GrauntyHelen, how refreshing to hear of a stepmum/stepgrandma who treats her stepchildren/stepgrandchildren as her own.

I’m afraid I can’t go along with grans who suggest you just go away when your family come to visit. Seems downright rude to me. They are coming to your home so welcome them, provide for them (perhaps even do their washing for them). These girls and their dad have just been through the trauma of a family breakdown, have a little compassion.

Yes you are being unreasonable -it's twice a year . It worries me that you say if he was your son you would address the situation -you are married to his father therefor he is your son and the girls your grandchildren interact with them like that and the problems will resolve.I speak as a stepmother and stepgrandmother I treat them as mine

EllieB52, what kind of relationship do you want with Stepson and his daughters? In a "perfect world" what would it look like?

Why are so many posters putting it all on the OP to find out about menus/ perhaps teach the girls to cook etc? If it was her own DD and DGDs turning up expecting her to do the washing, would they be responding to say her DH, their step-dad/gf should be doing all this? I think not.
OP, I said it before, I think you should shrug off the mental and physical load that comes with this. Welcome them with open arms, ask what they’ve been up to, then announce you are getting out of their hair and going off to do X.
Let DH plan menus etc. If he asks what you are planning, say nothing, you are happy to leave it up to him. Don’t make a big deal out of it.
It’s very easy to be easygoing when it’s someone else doing all the graft.
I’d invite far more people to stay than I do, if I had a cook and housekeeper!

Lots of positive and negative comments about this one! Twice a year visits should be easy enough to cope with really and perhaps that's why this is so difficult for OP to cope with; sounds somewhat set in her ways and the impact of two lively children just puts a spanner in her works, and I'm don't mean that disrespectfully at all.

Communication is key, ask SIL in future concerning dietary requirements for him and the children. Talk to the children rather than "at them", and get them all involved in helping at meal times etc.

However, your house......your rules! I'd say restrict the tablet times and ask them to use headphones to reduce the noise and encourage SIL to be more hands on with HIS children!

The alternative might be for you two to visit them twice a year in their home to see if the situation is easier to cope with.

Trouble is, if you’re honest you don’t actually like the son or the girls do you ? you don’t think of them as your grandkids do you ? So it will seem an impossible chore
Honestly what is so hard about doing a few loads of washing it’s not exactly pounding clothes at the side of the river I think it seems awful to you because they interrupt your routines and your not loving or even liking them
Is your husband helpful or is he just sitting back and watching you
I think justwokeup has given you some excellent ideas be a bit more proactive in how it all works give them all direction and jobs to do but in a fun way. Boredom causes noisiness

I can understand how it’s hard for you and I always breathe a huge sigh of relief when I get back to my own routines but I see you as isolated and seeing it as them and us with a weak willed husband hovering in the middle
Whens the next visit....make some preparations it could be fun

EllieB52, I hope you are well. Are you expecting a visit soon or have you just finished one?

Go away.
Then they can see clearly what it is you actually do for them.
Because that's the only way they are going to see the error of their ways.

Why put yourself through the 'training' stage|?
You're not their mother father or grandmother...….as they will soon point out when they get huffy about you 'managing' their stay!

Best for your husband to take up the slack, then maybe he will begin to see your position.

Twice a year!!! Just put up with it. Do you have any idea what this man has been through. I don’t care what anyone says it’s harder for a father to be a single parent. Bloody hell give him a break. It’s hardly every month is it. You sound really stuck in your ways.

Talk to your husband about a new strategy and get him on side.
Buy EarPods and insist they are used.
Your house, your rules, so feel free to reprimand if the girls interrupt conversation.
Stick the washing in the machine, but get them to take it out and deal with it.
Plans some activities to wear the girls out. If you take them out in the day, their father should take over when you get back.
Provide the meals you have planned, with some minor alternatives. Don’t make completely separate meals. Discuss menus, get one girl to help with the food, a different girl each day. Get son to shop for anything different that is required.
Take time out for yourself.

If this won’t work, especially if your husband won’t co- operate, go away whilst they are here.

WHY was discipline a bit lax? It doesn't take much to teach children good manners and if you do not say "please" and "thank you" and "respect other peoples homes" then the child wont either. Manners begets manners so if the children are unruly it is All the parents fault nobody elses. I wish people would stop making excuses for unruly or rude children, they learn from experience or should I say "the lack of".

I would think twice a year is reasonable for your husband to keep up with his granddaughters . I would definitely insist on headphones for the tablets then they can have them as loud as they like and pick them up on their manners . I would discuss this with your husband since they are his grandkids after all . Good luck !

"I was a single parent for 10 years but no-one made any allowances for me - I just got on with it."

Sigh... unfortunately, some sexism may be at work here. Even to this day, some people expect more from single mums than single dads.

And sure, SS (stepson) may hope to "relax" when he visits, but that's no excuse for pushing his laundry off on you. Some things parents still have to take care of even on holiday.

IMO, you've gotten a lot of good advice here. Ear buds and "pick your battles and focus on those" seem like especially good ideas to me. I also agree "your house, your rules," but suddenly trying to enforce a lot of changes may just cause tension and arguments.

I know it's "just twice a year," but if they stay for long periods, I can see where that's still a problem. That's why the answer to the question, "How long do they stay?" is crucial, IMO.

As for your taking a holiday while they're there - if nothing else works, I think that would be a great next move. Let DH deal and see how he feels.

Hope some of the ideas here strike a chord w/ you.

If you were a single parent for 10 years and no one helped you, surely you are then best placed to appreciate how wonderful it would be to get some help?? I had no one to help when my children were small (my mother died when the children were quite young). I vowed that when my grandchildren came along I would do everything I could to support their parents as I didn't want them to struggle as I had.

wildswan16
Sorry. Got your name wrong

Wildswan
Agreed.
Getting the girls to help was a top suggestion as they would have to put their tablets down and giving them some routine might pay dividends in the long term
The OP might also like to suggest the girls help cook simple meals as their father is unlikely to do anything like it.
A difficult situation but one which is regularly seen on here.

Cook the food and freeze it - and check beforehand next time.

AIBU imho.

See the visits as your opportunity to try and help guide them in the right direction. The more resentful you feel the bigger the dread of the visit becomes (and believe me when I say I know how you feel). Do ask the children to help and explain this is how you do things in your house. Chat to your hubby too and get him to back you up. Fingers crossed for happier visits.