Feeling tugged in all directions

Your daughter must be aware of her father's limitations so to ask you to remove yourself from caring for him is a step too far. A day, 24hrs, yes, more than that and you would worry and that's not good for you.
Your daughter could get a doula for a couple of weeks or an au-pair/help from an agency to do housework and meal prep so she can concentrate on the babies but she should be able to manage 2 babies on her own.
They sleep a lot and she can rest when they do.
Plenty of mums manage so I'm sure your daughter will too.
Enjoy your time with her but if you went for longer and anything happened to your DH in your absence...think about it.
Best wishes and I hope you, your DH and DD can come to a happy arrangement.

I’m in the go and spend time with your daughter camp! The ideas already suggested for carers/respite are good ones. This is a precious bonding time for you and your daughter and the grand-babies and you should take it.

If I was you, I'd tell my husband quite firmly that I was going to help my daughter, and he was going to have to stay in respite, so he'd better resign himself to it!

I don't think it's unreasonable for him to go into respite care for 2 weeks. An unselfish person would suggest it themselves.

It’s not, but if you’ve ever looked after a disabled person (I do) you might find that they do become totally selfish.

People saying “take him with you” have no idea what some disabilities mean. My husband could not manage a long car journey in his wheelchair. Travelling on trains/buses are an unimaginable nightmare. Then you have the worry of being able to get into wherever you’re staying.

My husband needs hoisting in and out of bed, needs an air mattress as he cannot move himself, is doubly incontinent - it’s hard enough managing at home with aids, how do you manage without?

Sorry OP I can imagine what you’re going through. You might need to just tell him you’re going and his choice is carers coming in or a respite stay at a home. Not cheap though, either of them. You might get it paid for if you are on a low income and he has savings of less than £23k ish.

As a granny of twin boys, now four, I remember those early days so well. Nobody can appreciate how challenging multiples are until they arrive and yes, parents of twins need a hand. Presumably your sil will be at home at the weekends so would it be possible for you to travel to your daughter's on Monday mornings and then return home on Friday mornings? This would reduce the amount of time your husband would have to receive alternative care and reduce costs. I do hope your husband can be open to discussing alternatives. You will be grateful that you have been with your daughter at such an important time.

First time motherhood is very stressful with just one baby let alone two and new mothers do need a lot of support. Your priority here has to be your daughter. It is also important for carers to have regular breaks so they don't get burnt out. Your local authority should have support / information available for carers. If your husband is mentally OK and doesn't want to be in a home for two weeks, then as others have suggested, a home care agency should be sufficient. Although in my experience they will expect you to return if there is anything untoward whereas a care home will take responsibility. I hope all goes well.

Yes of course if the husband can be left with just a carer then of course the OP will want to go and help with the babies. But it would have to be a 24 hour carer, which means paying twice the wages of one for two shifts. This is a very different proposition from someone who just needs a carer while they are at work, or out for the day. I wonder if the daughter and the babies can come to the OP's house instead? Actually if help has to be hired, then it would be cheaper for the daughter to get someone in as she'd only need them for weekdays in working hours! Then the OP can just go for short times which makes her care needs at home cheaper.

Dear Jellybeanjean
I agree with fizzers. Is there a respite centre that would care for your DH near to your daughters so that he could make the occasional visit during your stay with DD and you could join him when you could, or are there other friends/family members he could stay with..? This is an irreplaceable time and a shame to miss it. Another compromise might be to share the care with the father's mother..? One week each ..? Father's mother's often get a bit forgotten at such times..? Hope you find a workable solution.

Look at www.rightathomeuk.co.uk/bristol/the-services-we-offer/senior-care/respite-care/ or something similar. Then your husband could be at home but having visits/care as necessary for the time you need away. And when you are helping with the twins - keep in mind that part of what you MUST do is enabling DD to learn how to cope with little support - we just have to - you don't know how long you can be available. Get her in contact with one of these clubs - www.tamba.org.uk/clubs/london-clubs

All you people saying that the daughter doesn't need help, that isn't the issue is it? The issue (s) are OP being able to have respite from 24 hour caring and because she I'd beyond excited to see and spend time with the much awaited grandchildren. Daily visits from z care agency will keep your husband looked after and safe at home. If you do not go to your daughter the resentment will build towards your husband. He cannot help being disabled but he can help being unreasonable

If I were in your situation, I would really really want to go to spend time with my daughter and her new twins. I would move heaven and earth to get carers in to look after my husband.

Another Grandma of twins here.
Of course your daughter would manage without you, she would have to, but, it is soo much easier with another person to help. Those early days are really challenging with two babies.
I would definitely prioritise your daughter.
Give husband choices (all of which are acceptable to you). Respite in a local care home, respite in a care home near your daughter or Carers coming into your own home. I wouldn’t take him to stay with you at daughters as you will end up caring for him, daughter and babies. Too much.

Congratulations!!! I too would be off to the DD. I’m a nurse and have run nursing/rest/respite homes and can fully understand your husbands reluctance. Bit late now....but would have been a good idea to begin discussions on what would happen after the twins arrived, months ago. But you are where you are. I would suggest your husband is far more likely to be happy and compliant with your desire to go away for two weeks if you ask him how he would like to go about organising this. Give him the date you intend going....give all help (that he asks for) in getting the information on his options....but make it clear, you are going. Everyone is entitled to respite from caring and maybe you need to gently remind him of this, but be determined. 24/7 care isn’t to be assumed as a ‘duty’.....good luck!

Jellybeanjean - is your hubby cannot be left to look after himself for more than 23 hours you really should be talking to social services and getting some personal care help for him because you have become inpeisoned in your caring role and that is not good for you as you have just seen because you’re torn in two - in this immediate moment I would ring social services and say that you have to be away for two weeks and that he needs a carer to visit four times a day in your absence although on your return that might drop to twice a day - this will get you both on their radar because you have to think of the future - helping with newborn twins won’t be a one-off - if you are to have any relationship with them you must be free to visit. Is your husband in a wheelchair and can he travel? Maybe you could take him with you and if it’s bit possible to stay at your daughter’s check into Travel Lodge or other budget accommodation where they have rooms for disabled people and you could leave him there during the day and join him later - I echo what others have said that your daughter needs you more than he how’s just now and you can’t afford to miss this opportunity to be with your new twin grandchildren - I speak from experience of having my own dear Mum live with us from a relatively active state right through total disability both physical and mental for 13 years - you won’t be able to cope in the future as your hubby gets older if you don’t out some level of care into place now - get him used to other people coming into the house and doing what you normally do - make it a point to leave when they are there even if it’s just to go to the nearest community centre and have coffee and read a magazine - good luck

If this were me I would want more than anything to be with my DD and her twins at a very special time. Indeed I would be over the moon to be asked, especially as with twins undoubtedly there will be plenty to do for two people and you would get real hands-on time with the babies. It would also be a change for you from your carer role. The compromise is probably your husband going into care for a week or so whether he likes it or not. My neighbour recently had to spend a week in care as the hospital discharged her, but she couldnt cope alone at home (age 93) and she actually enjoyed it, despite her reservations at first.

I'm sorry but I feel you have to be with your husband. I know it's lovely to help out with a new baby but seriously unless she has triplets or another 4 kids under the age of 5 she doesn't actually need the help. I think our generation were up and about and in the full swing of coping with baby and home after 2 weeks. I don't remember any of my friends or myself asking someone to come and help beyond that time. So although there was nothing wrong in her asking you, in your particular case I think it's a no-go

Firstly congratulations! Could you try and get some temporary care at home, perhaps someone to come in 3 times a day. Would he agree to that, if not I think you need to broach the idea of respite care again with him. You will never get this time again with your daughter and new grandchildren so I think your DH needs to compromise somewhere especially as you are always there for him.
Good luck!

Shoequeen53 I agree with you 100%. Have no guilt you are doing right by him all the rest of the time. Many men ( and some gransnetters) just don’t get how special it is to be able to do this for your daughter.

The issue here is that you truly want to spend 2weeks with your daughter and her new babies ..... and you are 100% entitled to do just that. As your husbands carer, you clearly always put him 1st and give him a 100%..... 24/7.... and how long have you done this for ? And how long will you continue to do so ? why are you not now entitled to just 2 weeks respite.... because otherwise, to be denied what your heart desires, will just lead to resentment and that would not help anyone.

Take your husband with you

How are you going to travel to London? If by train, or even by coach, your husband may not be able to manage to go with you, although he would probably dearly love to see his new grandtwins. .
If you are driving, its a long way but probably OK for him in the car.
When I had to have an op and was away for a week my husband, who had Alzheimers, had to go into a nearby care home. and he was quite happy being fussed over by a lot of attractive young ladies!

I would try and get someone in for a week to look after your husband and then go visit

We have Avery care homes near us, not cheap but like 5 star hotels, I think they are all over the country, might be worth showing him x x, don't miss out on the babies x

You must be with your daughter. Everyone underestimated how difficult managing twins can be in those early days. My mother came from overseas to be with me from our twins birth and I couldn’t have managed without her. The logistics are so different to having a singleton. And, don’t assume that their personalities are the same. One might need more attention which makes you feel guilty about not spending time with the other. Having an extra pair of hands is important and your daughter will always be thankful for you being there and will never forget it. And you will have such a wonderful experience.
You will have to find some alternative for your husband if it’s only 2 weeks. Surely you should be allowed respite from full-time caring.
I used to have mothers coming up to me and saying I had children 1 year apart and that was like twins. It’s not.

Of course you want to go and be with your daughter at this time. It’s an honour and a privilege to be able to do that. I’m afraid your husband is being a little selfish. I think you should find 2 choices, one being respite and the other something that you feel would work well for him care wise and just say that you are going, which would he like? If ever you are in hospital he would have to make a choice. Good luck, you must go.x