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Feeling tugged in all directions

(154 Posts)
jellybeanjean Wed 14-Aug-19 16:45:23

My daughter has just given birth to twins after a very stressful pregnancy (IVF). All is now well although the first few days were tricky. I'm paying a flying visit tomorrow (she's in London, I'm near Bournemouth) which will be wonderful.
She has asked for help after her husband goes back to work in a couple of weeks. I would love to be there for her, but my problem is my husband is physically disabled and I'm his carer. He can just about manage if I'm away overnight (I leave him his breakfast, meals, a flask of coffee, instructions for microwave etc) but he is simply not safe physically to be on his own for more than that. He's 81. I'm desperate to be with my daughter and help with her lovely babies but how can I leave him? I have suggested he goes into a care home for two weeks but that didn't go down very well! I just don't know what to do.

Smileless2012 Wed 14-Aug-19 16:52:08

Oh dear, what a difficult situation to be in jellybeanjean.

You say your suggestion didn't go down very well, so does that mean he didn't flatly refuse? If so, could you have another talk with him?

Two weeks probably seems like a long time to your DH, could you compromise and just leave him for a week? Not ideal I know but better than nothing perhaps.

I do hope you can get something sorted out. Good luck.

eazybee Wed 14-Aug-19 16:54:29

Can you employ a temporary carer, or is it possible to take him with you? If not, I think on this occasion you should put your daughter's needs first as it is only for a limited, irreplaceable, time, and your husband should appreciate this and agree to brief respite care.

quizqueen Wed 14-Aug-19 16:55:20

Can you take him with you too or arrange for someone to stay in your home with him for a few days? You will want to see your new grandchildren as often as possible, I expect, so you need to make future plans for his care for whenever you are away.

BlueBelle Wed 14-Aug-19 17:30:15

Can’t you take him with you I m sure he’d love to see the babies too as he is physically disabled not mentally it seems hard for him not to be involved in this lovely (never to be relived) time

EllanVannin Wed 14-Aug-19 17:37:41

Where's the paternity leave for the new dad ?

notanan2 Wed 14-Aug-19 17:41:44

Paternity leave is only a couple of weeks Ellan.

Maternity allowance can be shared I think but that means mum going back to work.

OP I honestly think your DH going to a home is a bit drastic.

Help with new babies is great but not 100% necessary or even that common these days.

I can see why you would WANT to be with your DD, But you dont NEED to be there IYKWIM

notanan2 Wed 14-Aug-19 17:45:51

First time mums always imagine they wont cope when paternity leave ends.

But they do and it gives them a confidence boost!

Everything seems like a 2 man job when there is 2 of them IYKWIM

TwiceAsNice Wed 14-Aug-19 17:55:58

Do try and arrange something so you can go and help your daughter. My daughter had twins and it is a huge amount of work and she was exhausted. They rarely sleep or feed at the same time and mum never has enough rest.

If this is her first pregnancy she will probably not find things easy and will be overwhelmed. I think she should be your priority . If your husband is unable to travel with you so you can look after everybody in the same house, I think after my own daughters experience the new mum comes first

silverlining48 Wed 14-Aug-19 18:42:24

Congratulations on your twin grandchildren, glad they are getting on well now but it must have been a worry, so understand why you would want to be with your daughter to help. One baby is hard but two? Much harder if they feed and sleep at different times.
So I hope you can find a solution to this, perhaps talk aGain to your husband. It seems a little inconsiderate of him to refuse you this request. If not a week in respite care, then someone to visit a couple of times every day while you are away? Friends, family or paid carer. Of course you are desperate to go.
Enjoy your visit tomorrow.

silverlining48 Wed 14-Aug-19 18:45:07

Or a rota of the above. Good luck.

SueDonim Wed 14-Aug-19 19:04:02

What about respite care near you daughter so he could see the new babies, too?

midgey Wed 14-Aug-19 19:09:17

I would tell him that he is going into respite! There may come a time when he has to go into care, so much better for a few trial runs and this is an ideal time.

fizzers Wed 14-Aug-19 19:25:00

I'd see if I could get someone in to care for him for a couple of weeks, are there any relatives or close friends who could help out? failing that there are care agencies. The suggestion of putting him into a home for a few weeks must've come as a shock to him. Are there any homes near to your daughter that could take him for a short stay? He could then see the babies too

Cabbie21 Wed 14-Aug-19 21:06:22

A friend of mine is severely disabled and needs a huge amount of help. Since his wife died he lives alone, with Carers coming in four times a day. It works very well.
It is possible, and if your husband won’t agree to a couple of weeks respite care in a home, then I suggest you get carers in so you can help your daughter with her twins.

FarNorth Wed 14-Aug-19 21:29:25

How does your husband feel about you going to help your (and his) daughter?
Does he think you shouldn't go because of his needs?
Does he think you should go but has no idea how he will manage?
Or he has an idea how he will manage?

If it's important enough to you, tell him you are going and ask him what he thinks you (both) should arrange re his care.

M0nica Wed 14-Aug-19 21:46:21

Is your husband your daughter's father, or is he her step dad. That does sometimes shape attitudes. Do you have any family memothers have suggested, could he come to London with you and stay in a local respite home, where he could come out to be with you and family a few hours a day, before returning, with relief to the peace and tidiness of the care home.

NotAGran55 Wed 14-Aug-19 21:56:07

Could the other grandparents help rather than you ?

Hithere Thu 15-Aug-19 00:59:20

How about hiring carers?

You are a person too, not just a role (caring for your dh)

What would happen if for whatever reason (you are sick, for example), you are not able to take care of your dh? Have you and your dh thought of that possibility?

BradfordLass72 Thu 15-Aug-19 02:23:10

Could your daughter come to you? Two crying babies in the house should make DH change his mind about a nice holiday in a rest home.

Sorry to say it but I think he's being selfish and only thinking about himself because he's always had you at his beck and call.

Now I truly believe you have to show him you have a life, a lovely daughter and grand children and he has to have either an alternative carer for two weeks (not long is it?), or help you out by agreeing to respite care..

Hithere Thu 15-Aug-19 03:17:09


OP's daughter just gave birth to twins.
Asking the daughter to travel just because OP's husband is stubborn and selfish is a horrible idea.

Newquay Thu 15-Aug-19 07:15:30

I agree Jellybean should go to daughter-a precious time not to be missed. As others have said it concentrates the mind on care for her hubby. Arrange carers to go in and he’ll manage for a short time and it will set the scene for future visits for her

chelseababy Thu 15-Aug-19 07:16:52

He's 81. I think it's unreasonable to expect him to go in a care home.

humptydumpty Thu 15-Aug-19 10:12:51

How about, instead of paying for your DH to go into respite care, you use the money to pay for a nanny to fome in daily to help your daughter for those 2 weeks?

sazz1 Thu 15-Aug-19 10:14:46

Get a temporary live in carer from a good agency Expensive though