Feeling tugged in all directions

This new mum will need help . I speak from experience it’s non stop . If the daughter had asked someone else it would have been hurtful .If it was my daughter I would make it my priority. I think your husband will manage better than he does when you are around . What if you had to go into hospital .Just get some ready meals in show him how to use the microwave and pack your bags and enjoy this soecial gift

I would want to be with my daughter and as someone who had twins... it’s nothing like one baby!!!!
You deserve respite (and a life too!)
So I would be asking for help with hubby either in a home or help coming to your home or looking at an air bnb near your daughter that can accommodate your husband

Sixteen years ago we flew cross country to be with my daughter who had just given birth to twins (by C-section).

Based on my own experience, what she needed most was to be able to take care of her babies without having to worry that her house would fall apart or not having regular meals or that the babies would run out of clean blankets and 'Onesies'. So, in my view, that's the kind of support a new mum needs....she doesn't need another person to take over the care of her babies.

On another note: The more I read, the more I feel you both can go, depending of course, on your DH's level of incapacity.

Most major airlines provide complementary wheel chair service to and from the aircraft, allow priority boarding for the disabled and overall go above and beyond to accommodate a passenger's needs so they can travel more comfortably and with less stress.

Your DD and SIL should consider getting a housekeeper anyway, regardless of your presence.

You don't deserve to be put in such an impossible position....having to leave your disabled H behind, in exchange for what amounts to taking care of your daughter's household. Both you and your H deserve to spend quality time as new grandparents and both of you deserve to enjoy those new babies
Just saying....

Have you contacted your local branch of AgeUK? I know of families who have been helped by volunteers (well-vetted) from AgeUK.

Lots of suggestions on here Jellybean but like other grans I feel more information would help, like, if your husband could go too, is he your daughters father? As he is 81 are you a similar age or considerably younger? You say you were going to do a flying visit so I hope you enjoyed it and maybe you could share that and some information too. Then maybe the advice/criticism can be more constructive and I hope you can manage to spend time with your daughter and babies. I know this is what I would want.

The ops daughter may never ask again if it becomes a blank no. She just wants her mum around for a bit after having twins.

Maybe the daughter is even using it as an excuse knowing full well her mum never gets more than 23hours away from dad and is using the babies as an excuse.

The daughter has asked. The op wants to go. It’s the husband being selfish by poo pooing the idea that heaven forbid he goes into restbite for a bit so his poor wife can do something she’s wants to do.

I am really quite shocked by the "you are a carer you don't get a choice " approach adopted by many posters.
OPs daughter has asked her mum for help for a couple of weeks not to provide full time childcare until they go to school.
I really hope that you can sort something out that means you can go.
To those posters who can apparently cope with twins with one hand tied behind their back, you gave me a little "laugh out loud moment" during a particularly tricky day at work.

can you get a carer in for a few days...or get a home help for your daughter.though i expect you want to be with her ,so a private carer from a good agency will be ok ..he might enjoy some more company..

Dotters you are on the wrong post. I think you contact gransnet direct, look on the main page, and ask to change.

I need to change my user name. Any suggestions how I go about this, please?

You will not be abandoning your DH. Don't see it like that.
As long as a suitable alternative can be found.

He may actually like it. Different company and routine. I don't know if he is the GP so perhaps will feel a little rejected but don't feel guilty whatever you decide.
It's good for couples to be apart sometimes. We are not joined at the hip.

I agree that your DD can probably cope alone but you both want to be together and get to know those little babies together.

I think your daughter and the babies have to come first at the moment. Also consider, if you can't do it now when she really needs you, you'll never be able to, and you'll totally miss out on your wonderful grandchildren.

I feel for your husband but he's not your priority at the moment. Either a carer or a respite in a home for a couple of weeks won't kill him. He really can't expect you to put him before your child / grandchildren at all times.

I have read this thread with a little sadness.

Poor jellybeanjean is being forced into choosing between looking after her DH (as she always does) or spending time “helping out” with her DD and newborn twins?

Not much of a choice really.

Will DH agree to some outside care to enable you to go?
Would he agree to going into a care facility to enable you to go?
Is there anyway he could go along with you?

If any of the answers are yes then you should go, if they are all no then obviously you can’t, but how sad to miss out on spending this precious time with your new grand babies and DD.

Sadly I have no advice to give as all of my family live within a 5 mile radius meaning I am able to be everywhere for everyone (which is not always a good thing mind you) but at least I am on hand when I’m needed.

I hope you resolve this dilemma the best way you can and huge congratulations on your new twin grand babies. Two for the price of one !

Now that my Dh has gone into a care home (where by the way he is content and settled) I am 'recovering' from 5 years of 24/7 caring for him. I was a very hands on Granny to my 3 grandchildren. because all 3 were born by C-section, which meant that my DDs were not allowed to drive, do heavy lifting, etc. for some weeks. Later DH and I did babysitting, nursery and school runs as necessary.

All that changed with DH's accident and subsequent Dementia Diagnosis. Unable to take him with me to family events nor to leave him home alone, I/we have missed out on sports days, prizegivings, performances, birthday parties all the good stuff and been unable to help much when DGC were ill or DDs had a crisis at work. This is my biggest regret and feels like a sacrifice made because I was a 24/7 carer to my DH.

JBJ's DH is not going to improve or get better. Old age will only exacerebate his disability. Unless she makes a stand now and claims some autonomy, some time to do what SHE wants, she will miss out on what many of us consider to be the best part of our later life = being a very involved Granny.

I think you would benefit from having some time with your daughter and the babies. Your husband could go into respite care, he may not like the idea because he only wants you to care for him but you need a break too. Babies aren't little for long so go and enjoy spending some time with them and your daughter. Your husband may be grumpy but he will get over it!

I feel for you all jellybeanjean

You must feel torn over this dilemma.
Your husband must be feeling anxious and sidelined.
Your daughter will be emotional (all those hormones!) and overwhelmed.

Could you FaceTime a call so that your husband feels included in the conversation and have a discussion about the situation?

Good luck for the future.
☘️

Maybe the OP should get to do what SHE wants...
As a fulltime Carer she deserves respite just as much as her husband deserves care.
If you WANT to be with your daughter that is what you do.. husband goes in for respute care... you both have a break... you both go home... life goes on...
Prescedent is set for the future...
Being a Carer should not mean giving up your entire life to anyone.

I’ve seen two marriages fail after the birth of twins and maternal grandmothers get too involved. Mom doesn’t learn to deal on her own, and dad gets pushed out of caring for his kids.

Maternal grandmother then complains to all and sundry she has no retirement as she’s primary care giver

Visit, sure. But don’t move in for weeks.

If you’re looking at hiring carers, I’d be hiring them for your daughter, not your husband

If I were your daughter, I wouldn't have asked in the first place knowing the situation with your husband (her dad).
It's up to your daughter and her husband to organise extra help if need be and you to visit your grandchildren when you can.

Still having difficulty coming to terms with remarks such as "you MUST be with your daughter/grandchildren/both!". Why? She is not ill and, given you haven't mentioned it, I assume the new babies are also fine. No way would I put anyone else, child or other, in front of my husband if he was sick - and I know he would do the same for me.

There's a reason we humans lose our fertility at middle age and that's to help look after our children's children.

LOL!

Brilliant!

so nothing to do with being born with only enough eggs to only a "natural" lifetime in the absense of modern medicine then?

I agree with Gabriella - a straighforward pregnancy is NOT an illness! The OP's husband cannot help being ill and needing care - some of the digusting remarks calling him
"selfish" without any actual evidence of that are beyond the pale. I married my husband for better or worse, for richer and for poorer, in sickness and in health - well, this would be the sickness bit.

I cannot see why modern parents find it so difficult to cope without help? Women have been giving birth for countless millennia - its a normal natural process and, for most women, not an illness they need weeks to recover from.

P.s. caring can be relentless and takes its toll on the carers body. If there are funds for respite, it should be used at a time when OP can REST IMO

Not to go care for someone else who could manage without care...

Is the DD going to help pay for these live in carers etc that people are suggesting?

A mothers help or a cleaner etc would be far cheaper than sorting care for the DH! Then the OP could visit and ENJOY the twins at times that work around her care commitments without being leaned on for "help"!