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Grandparenting

Women who don’t value girls

(123 Posts)
Rocknroll5me Thu 15-Aug-19 12:50:34

It has always bothered me greatly that some women do not value girls as they do boys. This has come to the fore at the moment as my dear little premature granddaughter is fighting to breathe while her mother just wants to go home and since she found out it was a baby girl and not baby boy that she so wanted I feel she has lost interest. My son is visiting her she is back on ventilator as breathing poor she is 7 weeks premature...33 weeks. 3 days old. Mother had op yesterday to rid her of retained placenta.. she just wants to go home. My son is trying to get her to express milk to keep flow but I think it’s an uphill struggle. Even after two scans that pointed to it being a girl (no willie) she refused to believe it. And then when my daughter told her mother in law the first thing she said was was it a boy or a girl and when she heard she said oh no poor L** I know she wanted a boy. I just want to punch them.

Rocknroll5me Thu 15-Aug-19 12:54:58

Obviously I want to punch them metaphorically

dragonfly46 Thu 15-Aug-19 12:55:24

How sad to read this. I have one of each and love them dearly. I value them in different ways. Now they are both married I would always turn to my daughter if needs must as I feel my son has his own responsibilities with his own family.
There is nothing like the relationship between a mother and her daughter!
My DiL wanted two girls but her second was a boy and she loves him just the same.
Maybe your DiL is suffering post natal depression?

fizzers Thu 15-Aug-19 13:03:43

perhaps your DiL is suffering from some sort of shock after having a prem baby and doesn't want to get close in case something 'bad' happens. I think given time she will come to love her daughter

Jillybird Thu 15-Aug-19 13:04:59

My mother never wanted girls - she got two! And no boys... She never really liked either of us. I was astonished to hear girls at school say their mothers were their best friends - mine was to be feared and obeyed.

Even when I was in my final job she said to me "There must be a lot of men do your job". "Yes, there are" I said, wondering what was coming next. "What's the matter with ** then, that they chose you?"

We were never valued, but I looked after her everyday from when she was 80 - 90 when she died. I often wonder if I'd been a boy/man would she have had such care?

Tell your daughter-in-law the truth of the old adage: 'A son is a son till he takes a wife, but a daughter's a daughter for all of her life.'

vena11 Thu 15-Aug-19 13:08:53

I find this very very sad, sometimes it takes time to love your baby. Give her time but she needs to try or it will become more of a problem and everyone will be unhappy.

SirChenjin Thu 15-Aug-19 13:14:50

Please don't tell her that adage - as a mum of 2 boys that makes me mad and sad in equal measures, plus it's simply not true.

I've never quite understood why some women prefer boys over girls - or vice versa. My MIL makes it quite clear that she favours the boys over my DD, whereas my sister was a self proclaimed, proud SMOG (smug mum of girls) and her poor friend who happened to have boys found that her sons weren't really welcome at their girly get togethers. I've also experienced that to an extent with a group of friends - from the 6 of us who met at antenatal class my youngest was the only boy to be born, and he's not been invited to things over the years when the girls get together. It's very childish.

I'm really sorry to hear that your DIL is struggling with her daughter, and if her own mother has been making those sorts of comments it can't be helping her. It might be worth your son mentioning it to the midwives in case she's struggling to cope emotionally or mentally as the other posters have said, and hopefully it will all be fine given time.

Congratulations on becoming a grandmother (or having another grandchild) and I hope she gets stronger and better flowers

GrandmaKT Thu 15-Aug-19 13:16:30

It may be, as others say, that she is frightened to get too close in case the unthinkable happens.

I'm just wondering if your dil is from another culture? Mine is from an Indian background, although born and brought up in the UK. They have a boy and a girl, and although she would be horrified to hear this, DH and I do notice that she favours the boy over the girl. It is a very ingrained cultural norm I'm afraid.

Granny23 Thu 15-Aug-19 13:20:33

I agree with fizzers that your DIL will be in a state of shock, pain and worry. I expect that you and DIL's Mum are both up to high doh too. Lots of us have an idea of our 'perfect family' eg a boy then a girl, but when we cuddle our newborn such thoughts disappear. In the circumstances your DIL will not be able to cuddle and bond with her daughter, nothing has gone to her plan and she, understandably, just wants to run away and hide. She, as much as the baby, needs cuddles, love and support, not condemnation

paddyann Thu 15-Aug-19 13:25:48

She'll be traumatised by a baby in SCBU ,it is the single most difficult time I had in my life.I understand that she might not want to get too close in case baby doesn't make it but if the worst happens she will regret it for the rest of her life.

My first daughter was very prem ,it was a long difficult labour after a horrible pregnancy mainly spent in a hospital bed .She was whisked away to the nearest SCBU not long after her birth so I only got a glimpse of her wee face just after delivery .I never saw her again ,she died at 4 days and I was too ill to travel to see her

.In those days there were no pictures or handprints etc so as far as most of the world is concerned she didn't exist .It is my one regret in life that I didn't insist on an ambulance to take me to her .Please try to get your DIL to see her child ,to sit with her and talk to her ,it makes a huge difference in their recovery .When baby can be taken out of the incubator she'll be able to hold her skin to skin and that is really therapuetic for both mother and baby .I know this because thats what I did with my second prem baby born 3 months early 11 years after his sister died .He's a happy healthy 31 year old now .I'll light a candle for your wee soul and hope she improves and comes home .

Hithere Thu 15-Aug-19 14:32:56

I feel so bad for your GD and son.
I am sure your dil is also going through a rough time.
Does your GD have a good outlook for her recovery and survival?

There is something called gender disappointment. This seems to be an extreme case.

I hope your dil is just in shock and trying to cope with a baby in much.

Does your dil want to breastfeed? I am pro breast but it is a choice for the mother to make. It is a huge commitment, even more when it is exclusive pumping.

I will be thinking of your GD. Breaks my heart to see babies punished for a crime they did not commit (her gender, in this case)

Hithere Thu 15-Aug-19 14:33:59

Baby in nicu, not much

Hate autocorrect

MissAdventure Thu 15-Aug-19 14:38:06

Blimey! Give the mum a chance; the baby is 3 days old!

Lessismore Thu 15-Aug-19 14:42:45

Tell your daughter-in-law the truth of the old adage: 'A son is a son till he takes a wife, but a daughter's a daughter for all of her life.'

PUKE

Day6 Thu 15-Aug-19 14:47:42

Paddyann a lovely post, but poignant. How sad to lose a baby.

I too feel that the mother is probably traumatised after delivering so early and then having problems with her uterus, requiring another operation.

Been there myself and she won't be feeling well. Give her time to get used to what has happened. I do hope her husband and other family members encourage her to see her little baby daughter, struggling to hold on to life. The little one needs as much love is going around (and skin to skin contact, as Paddyann mentioned) at this crucial time. Poor little mite, I do hope she holds on. I really don't understand rejection because the baby is a girl. Initial disappointment, maybe, but not rejection.

I do hope in time when her hormones aren't all over the place and she feels stronger post delivery and post op the mother will bond with her daughter. It can take time for some new mothers to feel that rush of love.

SirChenjin Thu 15-Aug-19 15:01:58

paddyann you obviously speak very wisely and knowledgeably from your own experience. I'm so very sorry you went through that, it must have been such a terribly sad time for you and your husband.

Jane10 Thu 15-Aug-19 15:40:32

Re preference for boys. The countries that seem to value male babies over female ones are heading for big trouble. China with its one child policy now has far more boys than girls and a problem with all these young men who will never marry or have a chance at a long term relationship. The so called 'incels' (involuntarily celebate) young men gathering on the Internet plan scary and creepy things for women and girls. ISIS grew from educated young men with no female relationships.
It's quite a worrying situation.

GoodMama Thu 15-Aug-19 16:06:27

I've posted in the past about getting help with tough issues, but I think this is important enough to mention again. Please encourage your son to get his wife some help.

Having a baby brings all kinds of changes and everyone is different. Between the "gender disappointment", premature delivery and post birth hormone adjustment she might need a little help to get her through.

I care for my little girl dearly and am madly in love with her. But the weeks after her birth were the hardest most difficult time of my life. I think we block this after a while, I must have because I'm due with my second in a few weeks! But I remember my husband being stressed by my sadness post birth and myself being upset by by feelings of grief, overwhelming protectiveness of her, constant worry about her health and wellbeing and missing my previous independent life - all at once! It's a hard time, add in gender disappointment and NICU and I feel for the poor woman. I tried talking to my own mother about it and she just told me she didn't remember, she just had to buck up and push through it, she had a new baby to care for after all. It was not helpful.

Please support your son in contacting someone at the hospital to see if they can help her.

She is going through a terrible time and needs support, not judgement.

callgirl1 Thu 15-Aug-19 16:38:11

At the time I had my 3rd daughter, my in-laws had several grandchildren, but only 3 were boys, my MIL came to visit, when she found out it was a girl, she said, "Oh no, not another one!"

Rocknroll5me Thu 15-Aug-19 22:12:48

Thank you for your support. I do feel for DIL it is only four days...I’m sure she will be a great mum. She gave her a name yesterday which was a relief. Poor little mite is having breathing troubles. She and my son have gone to visit her tonight. It is a difficult time. And we all know how hormones kick in a few days after birth. I know it’s wrong to judge I can say things here anonymously that I can’t utter anywhere else. I will listen and support them in any way I can. I just feel so upset when women undervalue their own sex.

Summerlove Thu 15-Aug-19 22:21:35

dragonfly46, your son has family responsibilities so you turn to your daughter if you need things?!
You think this is fair?

This is another way of putting more value onto men, and viewing women as less.

I hope I have misunderstood

paddyann Thu 15-Aug-19 22:35:05

callgirl after my baby girl died my MIL said ...maybe the next one will be a boy .I could have strangled her ,I knew she wanted a GS but it was the wrong time for her to make it so clear .

MawB Thu 15-Aug-19 22:48:52

That is heart breaking Rocknroll and I am sorry you are all going through this trauma while the little one is fighting for her wee life.
I do agree with the others who suggest the prem birth and circumstances surrounding it may be what is hitting your daughter and now her baby has a name, she may start bonding with her.
We lost our first baby, a boy, at three weeks and were naturally devastated. When our next baby, a girl was born, I was relieved because I didn’t think history was likely to repeat itself. We went on to have two more girls and each time people (some) said they bet I was hoping for a boy this time, but I never felt the lack of a boy in our family, as such, although towards the end of his life, Paw admitted he was sad not to have had a son to carry on his name. Our three girls have produced 4 boys and one girl between them which I find slightly strange . I was thrilled though when DD3 incorporated Paw’s name as her baby’s middle name so although he never knew him, didn’t even know he was a twinkle in his mummy’s eye, he has been remembered.
Wishing you, your DD, SIL and their little one all the very best flowers

GoodMama Thu 15-Aug-19 22:54:41

Summerlove, I picked up on that comment by Dragonfly46 as well. Yikes! I hope I misunderstood, too.

Newatthis Thu 15-Aug-19 23:08:08

I always remember when living in the Middle East many Arab men would ask when I would give my husband a son. My two daughters were young at the time. I responded by telling them that my daughters were more than we ever wished for and having a son didn't prove anything to anyone. Now my DD's are more successful in their careers, motherhood and homelives, very independent and more free thinking than any of the sons of any of our friends had. It's so sad your DiL thinks this way - maybe it all has just been too traumatic for her and in giving her time she will change.