Women who don’t value girls

I agree, from your latest update it seems the truth has come out. You despise your sons wife.

There is nothing she can do that you will approve of.

Instead of supporting and loving this woman you judge her and hold her to your own personal standards.

Please just leave her and her family alone. They are going through a challenging time and they don’t need the added stress of your judgement and disapproving eye at every turn.

absthame
I know you worked with many people in family situations.

I can add that my experience as a Psychologist backs up what you have said about the relationships between family and sons and daughters, as a generalisation.

Naturally it did not apply to everyone. It would be really interesting to do some research in this!

I should think Mum is in shock ,pain and all over the place I’m not surprised she wants to go home . I’m sure last thing she needs is people telling her what she should be doing and feeling .

I really wanted a girl 2nd time around and had my heart set on it and the scan said a girl as well . When baby arrived it was a little boy . I was a disappointed but when things settled down I got on with everything it was fine and he was healthy and not premature etc .

paddyann
I meant to say, I don't know how you managed to speak to or look at your MIL again after such a comment! I am completely aghast that anyone would think of saying such a thing at such a time! Honestly, I had thought I was pretty unshockable now, having had a very hard life with cruel people and having worked as a Psychologist. This has thrown me off-balance.

Sorry! I imagine it still hurts you. Dear paddyann, you are so kind to all of us on here when we need help, it is so wrong that your worst suffering was compounded by such a crass and callous comment. Bless you, give yourself a special treat, even a cup of tea and cake or something like a little trip to the café! ? ?

The stress of a prem baby on family, including siblings has to be experienced to comprehend. That taken together with hormonal changes can quickly lead to depression.

As for the girl/boy thing well most decent men I know become besotted with their daughters while mothers are often besotted by their sons. Not always true but very often it is.

When it comes to later on, a wife will normally be at the forefront of the “sons” mind, diminishing the importance of mum, but daughters' see their birth family as part of their new family. Thus mum normally remains very important.

paddyann

I am so sorry about your first prem baby! I have reason to believe she is in the next life and you will meet again. ?‍♀️ (fairy is the closest picture I have to the experience I had once!)

You have moved me to tears with "I will light a candle". That is such a kind and positive thing to do. I shall do it too.

I am so very glad that your Dear Son grew to be a strong and healthy man. God Bless You for reaching out to this Grandmother as she goes through the vigil of her premature Granddaughter's early days of life. ???

When my mother lost twins ( one of each) shortly after birth - her sister had her daughter 6 months later and smugly announced “Oh well, I got the girl!”
She ( my aunt) went on to have 5 male grandchildren whilst my mum’s grandchildren are 3 boys and 3 girls -
just deserts.

Girls are fighters, especially prem. babies. When my GD was pregnant for the 6th time she'd lost most of her waters at 34 weeks so the main objective was to keep this little girl inside for at least another 2 weeks and this little baby had been determined to stay put too !

As the 36th week approached it became necessary to force this child into the world and force they did as she was all but " dug " out being determined to stay where she was.

After a tough caesarean birth the baby was taken to SCBU after suffering shock and when I went to see her with all her tubes that baby had appeared to look straight at me, all 3lb of her. To this day at aged 4 she still looks me straight in the eye with that same knowing determined look. She's a little toughie.

I looked after my step-GD too as she was born breech and also just over 2lb, but hospitalised for two months nearly 50 years ago. My step-daughter wouldn't have anything to do with her and it took a long time to coax her into looking after her daughter but I persevered and was a lot younger of course just snatching the odd couple of hours sleep being on nights at the time.

I love both the girls and the boys but I do have a special love for the girls in my family with two having been so determined to belong to this world and their fight to stay in it. Extra love did help !

I had three Daughters and that was exactly what I wanted, my MIL (mother of three sons) was disappointed but my mother (mother of one child a girl!) was thrilled! I now have 3 grandsons and 3 granddaughters and all are equally loved and cherished.

I’m so sorry
As others have said, maybe DIL is afraid of getting close in case the little one doesn’t make it. She needs love and support right now.

I have 2 sons and a daughter. I adore my daughter. We have a close bond and she is a beautiful intelligent young girl, going off to Uni in Sept. I also have an amazing DIL who I know consider my daughter also. The 3 of us have an amazing bond. I love my sons just as much, but I adore having 2 daughters ?

Rocknroll5me. just a P.S. The things you say about presents, clothes, lack of thanks... I have a friend whose DS and DiL live abroad with their 3 children. She, like you, sends clothes, books, etc. Often what the DIL demands. Never a thank you. Not ever. When visiting is watched like a hawk as if she might kidnap the children.

You are not alone!

buffy,
Rocknroll5me
I want to punch them for you. They should all just be wishing praying and hoping that the poor little baby survives. You must feel SO frustrated with them. I could go on and on. I just hope the little one pulls through.

On a thread asking why people value boys more, you’ve illustrated quite clearly why.

This mother has just had a massively traumatic experience. Instead of advocating caring for her, you want to “punch them”.

But yes, let’s wonder some more why a woman might want a male child ??

cassandra, attitudes haven’t changed, people have just gotten sneakier at how they oppress women. Sadly, women are the worst offenders now

Rocknroll5me
Use us as much as you like to give voice to your feelings!

Your DIL is your opposite. That is unusual.

I think the pie with gold coins for a midwife delivering a boy must come from the time when a son meant the family were secure in their old-age because boys would support them and girls would leave and maybe even cost money by needing a dowry. Anyway it comes from a time we no longer live in!!

There's nowt so queer as folk. That's all I can think of regarding your DIL and her father! I feel sorry for her mum but then we don't know all the details. i would imagine that the two older sisters would be delighted to have a baby sister. As I said above, when expecting my third, I wanted a girl as I had two already and felt they would prefer a baby sister!

Maybe this new mum will come round and start to love the little one. I may have been too pessimistic before. I do suspect she might be heading for PND. I am sure that everyone is taking care of her and keeping an eye on this. If so, nothing she says will actually represent her true feelings in my experience. It will be a reflection of the depression.

I do hope your DS can manage under all this. It's a lot to do. I'm glad he has you.

As I said - use us as your private venting place. We are in total confidence and it does you good to get everything off your chest.

Sending you much love and love and prayers for the little baby. Elle x ??‍♂️ ?

With this new update, it is clear you do not like your dil much.
You do not approve of how she was raised and she is not as feminist as you are.

If she has gender disappointment, she and her dh will deal with this. They will also learn to cope with a preemie. They will bond as a family once they have time to heal and adjust.

Your dil deserves a huge break and less judgement. She has enough on her plate now, she does not need an unnecessary extra side of "I don't like how you are handling things"

Give them time and back off.

This is so sad. I wonder if the new Mum is in shock? The trauma of an emergency delivery, an early labour and retained placenta are all major issues. When our darling grandchild was born at 27 weeks, I know how traumatised we were and for the parents the anxiety was doubled. I do hope the little girl survives, she sounds as if she’s going to be a fighter. Support the Mum, she’ll need it.

Please dont go 'blundering in' telling hosp staff to 'watch her' or 'alerting' to post natal depression- it will only make it worse,your DIL will feel you dont trust her,or some such,and if theres any real reason to worry im sure the staff would have noticed themselves,she certainly doesnt need 'tarring' with a brush just for being a bit dissapointed,which as she had 2girls in a row maybe she just wanted to see how different life was with a boy,but if so im sure she will get over that,shes named the baby so its an indication she already is,please dont worry anyone unduly about her mental state,its probably just initial shock of the whole situation,which will right itself given a little time & TLC.(my youngest is much loved, and his older siblings say I've ,'babied' him much more than them),so you see it makes no difference as to their sex,as my youngest daughter,older than her younger brothers,is still claiming her 'baby girl' title at 27!

I don't understand this attitude, either. Surely people are people.

When descending in the hospital lift, happily carrying our second daughter with the first by my side, a couple entered the lift at a lower floor. "What did you have?" they enquired. "A girl" we said proudly, to which the response was "Oh dear, never mind, better luck next time!".

I was so surprised I couldn't respond (unusual for me!).

I have ensured that my daughters have undertaken everything they wanted to do and they have more than surpassed most people's expectation of 'just a girl'.

Perhaps your daughter-in-law is in shock herself after a difficult birth. When she holds her daughter, she'll probably feel very different.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I have 3 girls and got fed up with the sympathy I received from some people when the third arrived - they got pretty short shrift from me!!

Oh MawB how terribly sad! I lost my second child at 24 weeks gestation. Not the same as 3 weeks old. Still I had to give birth to him.

Like you I had all girls and had people saying "I expect you are hoping for a boy this time." with the third. I was secretly hoping it would be another girl! For one thing I felt her older sisters - there was an age gap - would feel closer to a baby sister!

Now I am Granny to 7 DGC. 6 boys and just one girl! Like your family, mine has alternated. Isn't life strange? How lovely about your Husband's name being given to his grandson. I am sure that meant a lot to you too. I know how much you still miss your DH, a very special man.

Rocknroll5me
I am so very sorry.
I cannot explain this boy supremacy thing. I have been aware of it all my life. Not surprisingly since my mother told me all the time that I was a great disappointment to her as I was supposed to be a boy.

Not wanting to distress you, but I doubt if your DIL's attitude will change. Your son will be extremely important in his daughter's life, giving her the love, acceptance and confidence essential for survival.

I would just stick by your son, help him be everything for this dear child. It may well be that Post Natal Depression is setting in with the mother. Try and make your role the guardian of this tiny child.

I am glad to hear that DIL has named her daughter and visited her. Maybe by saying how lovely the baby is and how bravely she is fighting for her life, it might help her feel closer.

There is the possibility she is trying not to get too close out of fear of losing her.

You will all be in my prayers.

Poor mum. She must be feeling dreadful after a prem birth and then baby in SCBU. Even after a ‘normal’ birth mums get ‘baby blues’ because their hormones are here, there and everywhere and they are exhausted. That’s why it is called ‘labour’.
I doubt whether the gender of the baby has very much to do with anything, she is worn out and scared. She needs support, not criticism.

My DD first MIL was so hoping for a girl GD that she bought loads of girlie baby clothes.
When DD delivered a boy MIL gave her the clothes anyway saying the baby wouldnt know.
The clothes all ended up in a charity shop.
I wish the little one and her mum all the best. Sky is a beautiful name.

Now youve given a clearer picture,its easier to see,as she already has 2 girls,how or why she wanted a boy so much(not that it matters much in grand scheme of things) but i can understand a bit,and also yes maybe she wanted a GS to please her own father,but they do seem a very 'conrolling' family on your DILs side- almost to the point of extreme,which seems to be spilling over onto her? Im sad for you for& your relationship with your GDs,im very close to all mine and would be devastated if i had no close contact with them(i have 4 GDs&4GSs)and although i dont see them as often as id like(most of them live 80 miles away) we are as close as we can be.

Yes NannyG123,thats exactly how i felt,stuck on a ward where most of the other mums had their babies to hug whenever they wanted,but i was too ill to even go see mine for first few days,then i could only look at him from afar,it really felt like he wasnt mine,and i just wanted to run home& hide!But that feeling does change,so please dont worry too much at this stage rock&roll..im sure the new parents BOTH need some TLC.Try give this without judging.