Women who don’t value girls

M0nica
It is very true that the neural network makes connections through stimulation from interaction with the environment and in the very beginning this is by bonding with the mother - usually.

However, to become too worried about this in the case of a poorly premature baby does not help. There are many reasons why mental illness develops. Most we still do not know. The baby is in the best place for her. It certainly would be optimal if she could be nursed skin on skin if she is well enough and given breast milk. But nobody should fear the development of mental illness if these things are impossible or if her mother is unable to cope. I would encourage the mother mother gently and carefully, without pressure, emphasising what a good job she has done for her two other daughters and how much they will love to have a baby sister.

Poor you I agree I would flip if it was me. As someone who waited 10 years to become pregnant I hate it when people say they want a boy or a girl just be glad you are able to have a child. There are many people who would give anything to be in her position. I have two grown up boys now and I will always be grateful for having them.

That's good she's home and hopefully things will right themselves in time. The household in which she was raised does seem to have been one in which gender stereotypes were firmly ingrained from your description, so it's no surprise she's feeling the way she is. Add the trauma of a preterm birth into the mix and it's impossible not to feel sympathy for her.

Before our daughter was born, 54 years ago, all MiL wanted was a red haired boy like her beloved and precious son. She got the red hair, but on a beautiful girl, and fell instantly in love with her and was the most devoted and loving grandmother anyone could wish for. When the red haired boy arrived 20 months later he struggled to get a look in!

Historically, boys were valued above girls because property was inherited through the male line, girls had to be married off with a suitable dowry, so they were seen as an expense, an outlay that brought no returns.

It is shockingly sad that some parents, not only mothers, fathers too, still have these antiquated notions.

It is also sad when modern women don't want boys, but are delighted to be the mother of daughters.

Give your DIL time to get over the shock of a premature birth and a baby fighting to live. Most mothers do manage to love the children they have, rather than those they thought they wanted.

Right now, you love this wee lassie and it sounds as if her Daddy is happy with his little daughter, as well. Plenty of Daddy's girls never let it both them that mummy preferred their brothers.

All best wishes for your little granddaughter, she isn't all that premature - I was a seven-months baby weighing 3 lbs at birth and the midwife, according to my mother, said I was still-born, until I started yelling. Best day's work I ever did. Hope your granddaughter is just as stubborn.

How awful for you. At least she will have a very loving Grandparent. I have four Sons and the 'oh another boy' after the birth of my 4th Son was not only insensitive but extremely offensive.
A healthy child is always a blessing.
I do hope and pray that your beautiful Grand Daughter gets al the care that she needs xxx

In my family it was girls who were valued more than boys. When I had my first baby I felt under a lot of pressure from my mother and aunty to produce a girl. Of course my husband and I just wanted a healthy baby, especially after a previous miscarriage and a difficult pregnancy, and were delighted when our first boy (first of three boys) was born healthy and beautiful. My mother couldnt resist cooing over the baby girl born to the lady in the next bed with a little sigh of disappointment at my son. My husband was most upset at the time and I have never forgotten it. I have to say though, she went on to be a lovely grandma to my three boys. I would have loved a girl but I have never been the least disappointed with my sons who have all grown up to be wonderful young men. I don't understand anyone who wants anything other than a healthy baby.

My very best wishes to your new little grandaughter. X

I am one of three girls and our parents were inordinately proud of us and what we achieved.

Girls rock! Love my daughter and son equally but I'm much closer to my daughter. She phones me constantly but my son is always busy with his own family. We're fine when we do speak but he would never just call on the off chance for a chat!

In some of the cultures where women are ‘chastised’ for not producing sons for their husbands, they would do well to remember or be educated to realise that it is the MEN who actually determine the sex of the child. If anyone should be berated it is the men surely but it shouldn’t be happening at all in this day and age anyway!

Sorry Paddyann.thats awful sad.

In some cultures where there are no pensions or welfare, it is the son who looks after his mother in old age. for this reason it is essential to have a son.

I do hope both your DIL and your new DGD will soon be on the road to health and strength.

Sadly my youngest DD has just had her third missed miscarriage. Discovering each time at her scan that the baby had stopped developing around 10 weeks. She now has to undergo a medical procedure.
I know she, my Son in Law and all our family would be happy whatever gender a baby was.

When I had my third girl , I too was asked if I was going to keep trying for a boy. One man even asked me if I’d had a boy or just a baby !!

Nothing in your posts tells me that dil doesn't value girls.

She was hoping to have a boy after 2 girls, which is ok.

Do you have any other information how she prefers boys?
Is she a bad mother to her 2 girls? Is she (and your son) giving her girls all the opportunities a child can have, regardless of the gender?

Your dil seems to be handling this very well, not even a week after giving birth, your son and dil are visiting her preemie 2x a day. That is fantastic!

Hithere - the OPs subsequent post explains a bit more, especially the bit about considering an abortion.

"anyway she certainly did go into this third pregnancy to have s boy, she convinced everyone it was a boy, different pregnancy etc etc. made it clear to me that they had considered abortion for six weeks until surenit was a boy... so there is a backstory to this. "

That part is so confusing.

What made it clear to the OP they considered abortion? She deducted it from the dil and son's actions or she was told directly that they did consider one?

Second, when they were told it was a girl in two separate occasions, dil tried to convince herself baby was a boy but did not pursue abortion.

What has been told about the abortion is too confusing to support it as proof of gender bias

And why would they consider abortion BEFORE confirming the gender of the child at the risk of baby really being a boy, therefore zeroing their chances in having that boy?

It does not make sense to me

I think (although I could be wrong) that the OP had been told by the son and DIL that they had considered an abortion if had been a girl - then changed their minds? I don’t know for sure - I feel quite uneasy about discussing something so personal so I’m going to stop now

Thank you Tillybelle and many many more of you. Of course no suggestion of anything other than love and help has gone her way...and I feel for her as a mother. my frustration of her is just one small aspect of my feelings and as you say this is an anonymous space to vent feelings which can't be expressed for fear of hurting others or causing damage...as my granny used to say 'least said soonest mended'. I find it ironic that those who accuse posters (me in this case but I have often noticed it and winced) of being judgemental are of course being very judgemental themselves...only in their case directly hurting which seems rather spiteful and shows a basic lack of trust of other gransnetters. Luckily most GN's help and share their own feelings in this safe place and add their own interesting stories and points of view so everyone feels a bit more normal and with a bit more perspective. And some things, like sexism, are wrong and surely can be called out in private!

Thank you Tillybelle and many many more of you. Of course no suggestion of anything other than love and help has gone her way...and I feel for her as a mother. my frustration of her is just one small aspect of my feelings and as you say this is an anonymous space to vent feelings which can't be expressed for fear of hurting others or causing damage...as my granny used to say 'least said soonest mended'. I find it ironic that those who accuse posters (me in this case but I have often noticed it and winced) of being judgemental are of course being very judgemental themselves...only in their case directly hurting which seems rather spiteful and shows a basic lack of trust of other gransnetters. Luckily most GN's help and share their own feelings in this safe place and add their own interesting stories and points of view so everyone feels a bit more normal and with a bit more perspective. And some things, like sexism, are wrong and surely can be called out in private!

Sorry about double posting above, I went to my office to work on pc where gransnet is logged on in a name which I changed on my phone as I feared it too traceable (and I forgot password) but the old name has stayed on the pc. Both me ...different places different computers! Inept. Sorry.

If you have a second account as grannygramby, you have been posting for a while.

The background speaks for itself. You have never been happy with your dil, despite this claimed gender bias.

I have several of each, 5 in all and I was never in favour of one sex over the other. I had GBBGG.
My ex was thrilled no matter boy or girl but my 2 brothers and 1 sister were the parents of girls...no boys in their families, but that was chance not design.
I love and value all my children equally, for their similarities and their differences.

I thought it was only certain countries in which gender bias held sway with most of the population.
Not surely in the UK

From 2016

www.gransnet.com/forums/relationships/a1231786-DIL-problems-that-I-dont-get

From 2017
www.gransnet.com/forums/other_subjects/1236446-DIL-wont-visit-my-house?pg&order=