Women who don’t value girls

This is so sad to hear having 4 children myself 2 of each I can’t imagine favouring one over the other, I can imagine though if you have for example 4 boys you would always wonder what a daughter would be like or vice versa

Why even consider having a baby if you will only accept a boy or a girl. It’s a 50/50 chance, and I hope the day never comes when we can choose (but of course it will).

Monica its often difficult to bond with a prem baby .They are behind glass for a start and theres the terror you feel every time you walk into the SCBU ,incase they phoned while you were on your way there and there is a crisis.I loved and wanted both my prems but I was too scared to hold my son when he was allowed out of the incubator ,still attached to tubes and wires .My husband held him first and my 10 year old daughter next before I plucked up the courage to let them put him in my arms .
Its a very complx situation and it has to come from the mother.She'lll get there I'm sure but she needs at least a week to come to terms with how the reality is ,its not at all how she thought it would be.Chances are she may feel much closer to her daughter because of her difficult start .We can only offer support at start of what is a very difficult few weeks ,mum needs to know everyone is with her whatever the outcome .

Annaram .. thought I must mention this, they have given her the middle name of Sky. So that’s s good omen. She is back on ventilator and back under UV and DIL is where she wants to be, at home with her hubby and two little girls. They visit twice a day...DIL doesn’t drive and likes being looked after and my son likes looking after them all. Some things don’t change unfortunately. DIL thinks my independence mad as it means I haven’t got a man! With feminism it is three steps forward and hopefully only two steps back... but I wonder if it isn’t four steps back. And after all the legal changes there can’t have been s better time to be born a girl! ( being born at all is another matter with climate change) anyway she certainly did go into this third pregnancy to have s boy, she convinced everyone it was a boy, different pregnancy etc etc. made it clear to me that they had considered abortion for six weeks until surenit was a boy... so there is a backstory to this. She is an only child and very close to her (controlling) father and not close to her mother who she is always deriding as stupid. I tried to befriend her mother but was told by her husband not to write to her and all communication to go through him. It’s weird believe me. Her mother seems sweet.. perhaps she wants s boy for her father? God knows. My son was brought up with a feminist mother and sister so he doesn’t really know what’s going on, though he does like the feeling of absolute power he has and he rules very kindly.. his wife has the manipulative feminine power that he has never been exposed to... I think she’s daft. She thinks we are... in the meantime she has her third daughter ( the elder two see themselves as princesses and daddy’s girls). So fingers crossed all round...thanks to you all. I also remember reading in a middle eastern cookery book by Claudia Rodin, when I was pregnant, of a dish that was given to midwives who delivered sons, and was filled with gold coins... with a note that if they delivered girls they were whipped.. It really upset me at the time how could women perpetuate such behaviour against their own gender? Are we still slaves to patriarchy? I think not, Go girls xxx I have great hopes for my three grandots.. and am blessed. Just thrive my little sky. (Btw although GDD’s 4 and 7 I have never been allowed by DIL any time alone with my granddaughters, my son sends me pics and videos and I send them back and little pressies. Have just sent them some books. Usually DIL tells me what books to buy, and when I used to send clothes I never never got thanked or saw the girls in them. it’s bloidy hard I can tell you. she probably thinks I might infect them with my independent views. Beyond crap really.

Yes,giving her a name is very encouraging,it makes the child more 'real' to the parents of a prem baby,(as sometimes it does all seem very 'surreal' at the time,its very difficult to bond at first,more as though the baby 'belongs' to the hospital,not to you- but it does get better with time,(my sons were in there 3months,but didnt really feel like mine properly till they came home )so theres plenty time to form a bond.once your DIL feels a bit better after her op too im sure things will be easier for her to cope with.Life in the baby unit is 24/7 and no difference between night/ day,(till they move up a room where they dim lights a bit at night) so its all a bit hectic& daunting.but i noticed my sons were harder to settle at night,and also when they came home,due probably to this 24/7 reality,so its something the new parents could watch for,that aside im sure after the initial shock of it all your DIL will adjust.and love & bond with her daughter in her own time.

Whatever the cause, it needs to be addressed now. The mother of my uncle had two children in a year. The only thing that could make the second baby acceptable to her was it being a girl, as her older child was a boy. It was a second son.

She did not touch or hold the baby for three days and then only gave the minimum care he needed, In family photographs he is always the odd one out while she cuddles her older son.

This rejection affected his mental health. He suffered from depression all his life. As a psychologist told me. If rejected in extreme infancy and early childhood it affects brain development so that the later mental health problems are hard-wired in.

So address these problems early. Help the mother in these early days and encourage her to bond with the baby, but more than anything make sure that there as another specific adult whose role is to nurture and encourage this little girl and provide the closeness and support her mother may be unable to give.

paddyann
On producing girls for which my own dear mother had chosen boys names in anticipation, hers not mine, to then receive a card from my MIL friend? in which all she had written was 'better luck next time
Some things you never forget or can forgive.

Im surprised,as young mums these days seem to want girls more,so they can dress them up in pretty clothes,to show off etc?& buy them all the new crazes toys,LOL dolls etc. but i guess your preferances are unique- ( i remember fleetingly feeling a moments 'letdown' when i really hoped my last child would be a girl( id had a boy before that) and scan said was a boy again,but i soon got over it-and i now have 4sons& 3 daughters! It didnt matter a jot afterwards.which incidentally,my two youngest,both boys,were born 3 months premature,and doing well now at 20yrs& 16 yrs..some of my grandchildren have also been tiny early prems and my youngest daughter,now 27,was 5wks early.all survived and now thriving.so try not to worry too much rock&roll5me,the doctors& nurses in the neo natal units are wonderful,and im sure your GC is in the best hands,and hopeful she will be ok,wether she gets breast milk or not- as for your DIL,try to be kinder to her,i remember how daunting it all is,to have a child early,'suddenly' as it were,and an op as well,so yes it may be she just 'wants to get out of there' to retreat home where she feels safe,cared for,? It IS a bit of a shock to the system,all of that,one day youre pregnant,the next youre a mum,the babys here,but ill,youve had a major op,instead of a natural lovely birth,and dont feel up to it all- i remember it well and so does my DIL,(we have both been through this more than once)so try to be more understanding of her please,im sure she'l come around,when shes come to terms with it all a bit more,if not theres people to help her,neo natal staff,and midwives,then neo community nurse,then health visitor,so please dont worry unduly.

Good post nettyandmasey it doesn’t always turn out like the mags,

Rocknroll5me
I want to punch them for you. They should all just be wishing praying and hoping that the poor little baby survives. You must feel SO frustrated with them. I could go on and on. I just hope the little one pulls through.

You don’t say what kind of relationship she has with her own mother, if it was strained maybe that is why she wanted a boy to start a fresh so to speak. Also, if she had a traumatic birth as well. Maybe she would feel happier not breast feeding.

I had the same birth, premature, breast milk dried up due to septis and being near to death with severe pre eclampsia. I went home and left my daughter at hospital as she wasn’t feeding well on advice of the hospital just so I could get better.

I got there in the end just as your daughter in law will. She needs understanding, support and given in the correct way she will be fine.

maybe the time for a reality truth .saying this is a real baby ,it needs your love and support and especially your milk.having a baby is traumatic. and maybe she needs a bit of space while she gathers her wits together.. a few days .. maybe .my gs was born 28 weeks and wasnt allowed home for another 12 weeks. so baby is in the best possible place.and maybe dil needs a few days home alon. as for the outlaws .oops sorry inlaws they should be ashamed saying it should have been a boy..

I agree with other posts your DIL may have some anxieties. It may be that she'll be better in her own home. Try not to judge her at this time. Try to be there if and when needed. And your gd will have lots of love from you.. My oldest d was born 7 weeks early, so I can emphasise with your DIL, about wanting to go home, I was in a ward with no baby, and all the other mums had their babies next to them. Giving them cuddles etc. I couldn't do that. Hope everything works out fine with your DIL and gd.

I had a girl, then a boy. When my son was born I was congratulated for having one of each!!! As if I could have done anything one way or another. Anyway love all my three 2 girls I boy equally and very proud of the people they've grown up to be.

My daughter had her baby at 32 weeks, she had pre eclampsia and baby was very small. When you are on NICU you only get limited touching time. My daughter wasn’t given a separate room on the post natal ward and so got no sleep and found it very upsetting to be with the other mums who had their babies with them. She felt she took a backseat with the staff as her baby wasn’t with her. She to just wanted to come home. In fact discharged herself after 4 days as she couldn’t stand it any more. She then went back daily and spent day and evening with Alanna. Just be gentle with her, she has had a traumatic time, is in pain mentally and physically. This isn’t how she thought it would be .

I have 6 sons (whom I love dearly) and yes I did want a baby girl and was a bit disappointed, but hey you get over it. She has had a traumatic time, give her time and support.

My husband was Indian and if he wanted our first child to be a boy he never said anything. and was a devoted and doting dad. He helped with the bottle feeding and changing the terry nappies etc. He totally loved her and was a great father. Our second was a boy and my husband was devoted to him too. Never even a hint of preference either way. I am glad to say my inlaws never showed preference either.
In China after many years of abandoning baby girls on mountain sides which led to young men having to trek miles from village to village in search of a bride, they now seem to have changed their tune, and say "Women hold up half the sky."
Congratulations Rock on your tiny baby granddaughter and I do hope she will soon be healthy and loved by her Mum.

I must admit that when I was pregnant I said I preferred to have girls and I was very lucky to have two. However, now 30+ years later, I think I missed out on something not to raise a boy too as it's a different experience.

I get really cross when I hear how some people have such ingrained ideas about having sons. I am the proud mother of 2 daughters and at the time of each birth my MIL’s first words were ‘never mind perhaps it’ll be a boy next time ‘!!!
I am now the Grandma to 2 girls and one boy and love them all to bits. Let’s all be happy with healthy, happy children, whatever the sex.

As for Rocknroll, May I suggest you keep an eye on your daughter’s health as my youngest daughter suffered badly with postnatal depression, part of which was a rejection of her son (despite so wanting a baby of any sex) and she needed all her family’s support for some time. Grandson now 6 and the most loved little boy by all with such a happy personality.

My thoughts are with you.

I agree with the suggestions of counselling and notifying the hospital staff. The little girl deserves the best start in life she can get and her mum does sound as though she needs support.

I am only a grandmother because of IVF that was successful, and our family are grateful for this every day of our lives. There are no doubt many others of you out there in the same position who find it hard to hear of babies of either sex that are undervalued by their parents. I myself was told 'boys are more important than girls' by my mother (as an excuse for spending all the family's disposable income on my brother). However, that was sixty years ago. I thought attitudes - as well as equal opportunities legislation - had now mostly moved on from such discrimination.......?

Do you know why DIL doesn't want a girl? Is it a cultural thing? She seems to have gone into pregnancy realistically obsessed with having a baby boy. Give her time, she will be shocked with the early delivery and the condition of your new GD. Support your son he is trying hard to maintain the sutuation.

Give it time she’s had a rough time and she is just struggling to deal with everything.

Smacks of post natal depression, make sure hospital staff are aware as will affect the baby's progress of mum is negative. I dearly hope your little granddaughter will be ok. X

I always remember when living in the Middle East many Arab men would ask when I would give my husband a son. My two daughters were young at the time. I responded by telling them that my daughters were more than we ever wished for and having a son didn't prove anything to anyone. Now my DD's are more successful in their careers, motherhood and homelives, very independent and more free thinking than any of the sons of any of our friends had. It's so sad your DiL thinks this way - maybe it all has just been too traumatic for her and in giving her time she will change.

Summerlove, I picked up on that comment by Dragonfly46 as well. Yikes! I hope I misunderstood, too.