How to handle feeling snubbed and upset?

Mamagborg, yes, I do know for a fact that my DS and DiL enjoy the time we spend with them, more than the time they spend with DiL's parents (although they would never say so). Our DiL is like a different person when she's with us, compared to when her own parents are around. Shame her own mother doesn't realize what an effect she has on people. She seems to think everyone thinks she's the bees knees!

Those who have suggested that we alternate special occasions with the other GPs ... that's never going to happen! They will always be there!

Isla1 welcome. I hope you get as much from GN as I do.
Some threads can get a bit heated but as you say its a great invention ?.

Yes I send my grandsons little parcels. Doesn't have to be expensive things. Stickers balloons coloured pencils sweets mini lego etc...
They love them. Much better than money.

If you say nothing then it might be assumed you do not mind being pushed out.
It might be that they (MIL and DIL) think you are not as enthusiastic as MIL to be with DG.
I think you should speak calmly to your son.
Don't be confrontational but do speak up.

Pushy people in my experience can cause trouble. So stop it ever looking as if you are "not bothered" do not assume that your feelings for your DG are read correctly.
Book Christmas in advance and perhaps bring up the possibility of alternate years at Christmas and Birthdays.

It may be that you have more DG's in the future and I wish every chance of happiness. I have found that you don't have to be seen often to positively impact on your DG's. If you love them they really seem to know this

When baby is older you can send parcels....little ones love that and cards too . Not only on special occasions but just for the fun of it.

I have just joined the forum today and have read everyones comments about the above issue!!

You will be hearing more from me - this site is a wonderful invention.

Rosa.

Brilliant Bradfordlass, we could probably all make use your well thought out response.

Hi Nansnet - interesting situation.

Are you a retired Nan or working?

I am a Glam-ma of a 4 year old and a 15 month old - and am learning all the time. I am very sensitive too.
However if I was still working I would not have the time or energy to fester over the trivia that happens so regularly.
We have to put old this stuff aside and get on with our lives.

Facebook is so dangerous, it is basically a place to show off and boast. But so hard not to look when you’re upset about a situation.
But be careful not to show how upset you feel. Try not to look at the posts.
I think as mothers, we expect too much. Out children grow up and make their own decisions, and sometimes they break our hearts. Say too much and you’re out of their lives forever. The other mother in law, wants to be the main mother, this happens so often. I’ve learnt the hard way .

It’s never easy when one set of grandparents dominate but I think your Dil and DS probably relish the time they all spend with you, as it’s drama free.
Saying anything will give the other grandmother what she wants and that his to be the centre of attention.
For the next visit suggest that you be there for your GC birthday and do opposite years. That’s what we do with our GC. That way you spend other less pressured time on the year you’re not there on the actual birthday and enjoy the busy birthday time when it’s your turn.
We all know families are never easy you just have to enjoy any and all the time you get to spend together.
?

I would defiantly have stayed to see my present opened and if there was a birthday cake too. No 1st birthday party with family? When my GC were smaller I always felt I needed to be there on the special day,birthdays and Christmas, if not I felt awful. Now I really don't, over eight years I've had them maybe a few days later or the following week over to stay and we've had our own celebration,with cake. Just try and let what the other GP's say go over your head,don't take a hint, you're as entitled to be there as they are. Just book a hotel and stay for whatever the celebration is. And your DGC will never remember this birthday anyway.

I think on that first birthday I'd have put on a bright smile and said "I'll stay to watch him open his presents and leave later" and pretend not to have noticed the big hints to leave in the morning. Better that than stewing over it afterwards I think. As for them being there more often, I think that is the nature of maternal GPs over paternal ones. Usually the way.

Both of my DDs live within hailing distance of their MILs. I correspond on Facetime with my GCs and it is wonderful to get a great big smile from my 6 month old GD.

Why don't you make arrangements now for the next big occasion you want to be there to celebrate. Do it before DiLs mother can tell you what she is planning. Other than that keep quiet.

Can't help feeling you're doing just right, Nansnet - you're being diplomatic and that's the best way of ensuring that you maintain good relations with the people who matter most to you - DS,GC and DiL. And if the other granny is difficult - and she is- don't let a very justified sense of irritation sour your relations with your family. By all means let off steam on Gransnet - or find a way of rewarding yourself (and your husband) every time you feel slighted. A visit to the theatre? A weekend away? A new outfit? Or take up boxing !

Dear Nansnet

So sorry that you had such a rough time. You’ve had some great replies here, and just a thought or two from me.

Sometimes the other granny is rude and self centred, sometimes just thoughtless. In my case, I no longer stay in the same room as the ‘other granny’ for more than an hour or two. She has publicly said, in front of us, that she is the ‘best granny’ in the world, so what she thinks that makes me, I have no idea!

I’ve found that kindness goes a long way, and also we arrange outings and holidays at times when she is away with her friends.

I know that my DD and SIL are aware of her behaviour, and we all just try to ignore it. She would make a huge fuss if she didn’t get her own way, so we all work around it, without actually saying anything!

I have never found being confrontational helps, it’s just upsetting. Calm assertiveness helps and being in a different country helps even more!

And yes, as one poster said, it’s not all about me or us, but I’m afraid that in some families, there is one granny who absolutely DOES want to be the ‘best granny’ come what may!

?

My MIL was very demanding about seeing our GC when they were small and my DM, who lived much further away, saw them much less. Thankfully at birthdays my DM could come to stay and the in laws could come just for the day as they lived near enough. We alternated staying with them at Christmas until we decided to host Christmas and the in laws stayed in a nearby guest house while DM stayed with us in the spare room and my brother in law stayed with us on an airbed downstairs. It worked OK and no-one was left out.
I often wonder if my mother felt left out by living further away and not seeing us very often. She stopped having us to stay after a while. I thought it was because she found it hard to cope with the children, but after my ex and I split up I found out it was him that was the problem. We started to be invited again but by then DS and DD were teenagers and not so keen to visit Gran for longer stays.

When my kids were young DM usually had a week with us in the summer and we'd go out every day with her treating us to meals and interesting places to visit, but that stopped too as the kids got older.

It takes give and take on all sides for people to get a fair deal in these circumstances. My MIL used to complain that she hadn't seen us for ages when in fact she had probably seen us 2 or 3 times since we'd seen DM. I wish I'd been more insistent on seeing my DM more as my ex was never going to suggest a visit and moaned about her visits to us.

Now my DS is married I find it harder having to share him with his in laws, but they are lovely and I'm sure if and when GC arrive there will be no problems. I know my children feel they missed out on a relationship with their Gran as they saw her so infrequently while Grandma and Grandad were regular visitors, but that was partly about distance and partly due to MIL being so demanding.

I agree with other posters that OP needs to be a little bit assertive to make sure they don't miss out in future, but don't let what's already happened sour future occasions. Plan ahead, and if necessary stay in a hotel if planned visits coincide. If the suggestion is made in plenty time you may take the wind out of the other GM's sails!

I agree with Bradford Lass. As my son has told me when I have been hurt by similar events, ‘Mum, it’s not all about you!.
Your situation is classic! Millions of grannies the world over have felt like you. And this will continue to be the case. I have been there many
times. But no more! I have stopped making son and his family the centre of my universe. I support them when needed and try to do little thoughtful things for them .... but don’t expect anything in return. Act out of love.

My GCs are now 13 and 11. They ask to come and see me to have a games afternoon where we play Cribbage, Cluedo and chess. I get WhatsApp messages from them both thanking me for a lovely day. Off their own bat. Hang in there, it’s time to be the giver but the rewards will come. X

Nansnet yes let it go. It’s only you that is being upset not the others. Next time don’t be so sensitive to their feelings and just say, how lovely we are all here together and book a hotel room without being asked! People don’t always realise that they are being a bit insensitive, they just get carried away with what they want to do. Just try to be a bit more like that than always considering their feelings and then getting cross or sad because the outcome is not what you want. You can be too nice!

I agree with Madmaggie. You are trying to approach situations sensitively and it seems others aren’t. There’s no easy answer is there and I also struggle with stuff very similar to this. It eats away at you and is so hurtful. Partly I think it’s the fact that we have sons rather than daughters (who often seem to call the shots and the sons fall in, for an easy life). We have to remember that in a few years, it will be the GC that will decide what they want to do! And both sets of grandparents may well be less involved than they’d like! Your tolerance and kindness may be appreciated at least by your son, more at that point. In the meantime I think it’s all about not letting it get the better of us. These sorts of hurts can eventually make you ill.....look after yourself, try to focus on other things, look forward to when you next can visit-plan it well ahead, and be grateful for all the good things in life.?

Nansnet I totally see where you’re coming from and I think I would feel just as you do. There’s some fabulous advice on here, as well as some dubious suggestions. BradfordLass has, in my opinion offered the most sensible and practical suggestions.
Assertiveness isn’t easy for many people and used badly it can be interpreted as aggression, selfishness or a desire to interfere or control. It certainly needs careful practice on less serious issues first! I think it’s natural to have your sort of feelings when you feel that you’re being pushed aside or treated less considerately than you would hope to be.
The key is how to you deal with your feelings without alerting others? Do you want to be known as the “oversensitive” gran or the “always dissatisfied” gran, or the “awkward” gran, or the “overbearing” gran???
Ideally, the “helpful, tactful, dependable, loving, laughs it all off” gran?
It’s pretty easy to become any of these with just a few badly expressed comments or equally, using positive behaviours.
Maybe you have to decide how you’d like things to be, bearing in mind that the other grandparents have equal expectations? Better to make arrangements that suit everyone so long as you get to be involved. Try to spend as little time as possible with the other annoying grandparents, don’t look at their Facebook boasting and realise that your son and DIL are probably trying to appease everyone. You’ll all get better at negotiating and organising as time goes on.

I can understand how you feel. It must seem that although you are playing by the rules,they aren't. Continue being the loving supportive people that you are but I fear the other in laws aren't going to mellow. What a stressful life your Dil must have had before she married your son but they're still her parents & she must be torn (and very thankful you guys are so kind). Plan a trip for the near future with them for a time that will be special for you. Don't torture yourself with fb boasts. I sometimes think being accommodating gets you walked over & taken for granted but then I tell myself I'd rather be thoughtful than not & that's the path I'll choose, there's no happiness the other path.

Birthdays needn’t be the one and only days. We have ill people in our family who can’t do a lot on one day or won’t necessarily be well on a given day, so we have birthday weeks or even birthday months. It can be nice to spread treats out for everyone. You could give a present, have a special food or an outing to celebrate the birthday while you are the one there. Same for Christmases. Rivalry between grandparents will only be misery. Don’t stoke it in your own heart. If the other grandmother is an insensitive controlling and selfish person it sounds as if being there at the same time as her would be difficult anyway. A day full of slights and rivalry and attempts to be the central, most important grandmother. You might come away feeling even more distressed. This may be something the parents dread managing and try to avoid. Women make family relationships and a daughter will always be close to her own mother. Being able to be with your DiL on your own will enable you to build up your own separate relationship with her and you have the chance to make it a good one. If you don’t want your husband kicking off, which men can do, don’t talk to him about your resentments and work him up. I don’t blame you for the way you feel. I would feel the same. But if we can transcend these sort of feelings, we will be happier ourselves and everyone will be happier.

^^ all very interesting and some really good advice! Being a grandparent is completely new territory with no useful instruction book on how to do it well, and every family with different dynamics! I've been lucky to have had no particular problems, but I admit that I have found it hard to ignore quite deep feelings of competitiveness - wanting to be the 'best gran' - which fortunately haven't played out in practice. It is so easy to feel slighted and hurt, but remember it is the parents and children who are central now and not us,. My own parent's and in-laws' needs and feelings didn't really enter my head when I was busy bringing up my children. I would have done anything not to hurt them but I may well have done!

Nansnet.
PS. Your GS will I am sure be most happy as he will then have not one but two birthdays a year.?

To be honest, I would have said that I’d really like to see GC on her birthday but I’d book into a hotel for two nights, then after that go home and leave them to it with her mother. I’m surprised they didn’t invite you all for the birthday, mine would have done, but these are yours. Try not to let it bother you further but be prepared for next time but do stay in a hotel as it puts less strain on your family.