How to handle feeling snubbed and upset?

I think you should smile and say nothing. Least said, soonest mended.

I'm afraid you need to just let it go unless you want to risk a rift with your family.

Yes it's sad you didn't get to spend the special day with your GD's first birthday but you did have 2 weeks with them and the baby wouldn't know what day it was so won't know you weren't there on her birthday. I agree it's annoying to see all the photos on FB but I think the other grandma probably won't have given it a second thought that it might upset you.

It sounds like you have a great relationship with your son & DIL and I'm sure they're grateful for all your help in what will have been a stressful time - moving abroad with a new baby and all that entails will have been so hard. Try not to dwell on it all and start planning your next trip out to see them. It's certainly not worth causing an issue with them or your son's MIL.

Wise words, Liz46! I know deep down that's the best course of action. I just think I needed to get it all off my chest first!

Well you could have suggested staying in a hotel for a day or two, if that would have been your preferred option. However you just need to let this go or things will get out of hand. A new routine will develop and you are seeing a lot of your GC so get on with your life and leave them be.

Same reply to tanith!

Willow500, absolutely true that the other GM wouldn't have given it a second thought! They are both quite selfish people, and are mostly only interested in themselves. I shall heed your advice, and look forward to our next visit.

Yes, Daisymae, I could've made that suggestion, but knowing that it wouldn't have gone down well with the other GM, I would've only done it had it have been suggested to me, which it wasn't. I agree, I need to let it go.

Wise words from Liz, Tanith and Willow.
It sounds to me as though your co-granny is a rather intimidating person and you might be doing DiL and DS a favour if you stand up to her a bit more.
Next time, be prepared to be a bit more assertive and say something like, ‘well it would be nice to be all together on GC birthday, so we’ll book ourselves into the hotel down the road.’ And see what happens!
Don’t fall into the trap of thinking that because you do a lot for DS and DiL, you deserve something in return. Life doesn’t work like that and you’re just setting yourself up for disappointment, recrimination and resentment. Just be glad you can help them out.
Good luck!

I agree with janeainsworth you need to assert yourself a bit more Nansnet not in a confrontational way but enough to make your wishes known. It's good to be able to visit and help so enjoy your time with your family without feeling resentful.

Thanks janeainsworth. Yes, she is rather an intimidating woman. I'm generally a very mild mannered person, who doesn't like conflict, but I have on one previous occasion stood up to her. It didn't go well, very upsetting, and it took a while to heal the rift between us. Not something I want to happen again. Sadly, DiL won't stand up to her own mother, DS just keeps his mouth shut for a quiet life! Consequently, she gets away with things she shouldn't, knowing that no one will say anything. My husband would, but all hell would break loose if I allowed him to say anything, so best not to go down that route!!

sodapop, yes, I do need to be more assertive to make my wishes knows. I think, also, the key is not to be around the other GPs, and to enjoy our time with DS, DiL and GC, without having to listen to them!

I agree with Jane too. Next year at age 2 your grandchild will be noticing a bit more so make sure you do say you’re booking into a hotel if the same thing starts to happen next year.

If anyone says you didn’t do it this year you can say your grandchild is more knowing now and you don’t want to miss their birthday again. You can always go home the day after . Don’t let the other grandmother have all her own way . Selfish people don’t bend

Nansnet I've sent you a PM ...

Your post at 7.51 today is spot on, focus on your time with your grandchild and let the rest wash over you. This "stage" will pass, you are a grandparent for a long time.

Some good advice here, it’s a tricky one if especially you're not a naturally assertive person and the other gran has no problem in that department! I think if you don't push yourself a little bit you could find yourself slipping into the the role of the ones who always compromise while dil parents settle into the role of being the ones who always have exactly what they want.

Apologies for the dripfeed!

By focussing on your relationship with your son, his wife and your grandchild, you are in fact asserting yourself and expressing your wishes, without being explicit about it.

I’m afraid you need to let things go over your head in respect of the other grandmother, because your dil will always be respectful of her mother. The other grandmother will not change her ways and will not care if her behaviour upsets anyone else. The important thing is to concentrate on your efforts to engage with your grandchild and family as and when you see them. Try to arrange visiting when mil is not there. When your grandchild is older, then you can have more meaningful interaction in their lives, making happy memories which they will remember for ever. Try to avoid conflict with the other grandmother but subtlety is the key - not confrontation. Best of luck!

I agree with all those posters who say be a bit more assertive, but only when it's important. Don't be intimidated.

You may find the same problem at Christmas. If that's the case I would ask now if they want to spend Christmas alone or if you can visit (if you want to that is). It's your family too.
And perhaps book for next birthday and tell the in-laws well in advance that you will be staying.
Apart from that I wouldn't say anything. She sounds very bossy. Don't let her get to you. It will only hurt and stress you. It's not worth it. It's not as if you never see your family. It sounds like you do and they enjoy having you and your husband there.

As for facebook, I would "unfollow" her and not be tempted to look. I have a friend who does this kind of silly thing.
Asked if you have seen them you can say "Oh I don't really do facebook much......"

I am sorry you are hurt Nansnet, birthdays are so important aren't they.

My friend has a very, very strained relationship with her daughter, and has had to suffer 'delivering' the birthday gifts before her grandchildren's parties. She has to leave before the in laws arrive and the party starts, I don't think she's ever seen the cake candles being blown out. I'm not a grandmother yet, and wonder what will happen in my family.

My mother always used to say you should ask yourself if it will matter in five years, and if it won’t, then let it go!
Would there be any nice places near where they live, and you could say you’ve seen a nice hotel there, so are thinking of taking a trip there next year?

Just grit your teeth and hope for the best.

I've noticed, over my lifetime, how people take things in life so personally.

If I transgressed at home, my mother would say, "What have I done to deserve this?' or "Why are you doing this to me?'
On no occasion did I ever actually DO anything to my mother.
Something happened, she was affected and she took it personally. Whose fault was that?

I see it in my elders group and I see it here. So many people who immediately think they are the centre of what's happening when I am sure they are all intelligent and experienced enough to know that the situation they are in is simply life taking a turn they don't like.

No one has singled them out, no one has targeted them for special punishment (except very rarely in cases of abuse)

I'm sitting here with my upset slowly turning into smoldering anger at the injustice of it all. How do I handle this, without ending up saying something which I may later regret

By understanding that not everyone thinks or acts like you.

By accepting that people say and do things without having the first clue they are insensitive.

By not jumping to conclusions about why people did or did not do something.

By looking at all the good things that have happened in the relationship, being grateful for them and using them as a balance for the whole picture.

And by accepting that in a family, everything doesn't revolve around one person.

I've read all your post and there's obviously so much good to see in what's gone on and yet you don't see it because you have allowed resentment to swamp it.
How has that helped anyone, you especially?

Stand back, re-evaluate, stop smouldering, learn to forgive and thank god you have so much wonder and love in your life.

Thank you all for your great advice! I know I need to not take things so personally, and get my feelings in check. I know the way the other GM conducts herself, and I need to rise above it all and not let what she does/say get to me.

BradfordLass72, you are correct, there is so much good to see in what's gone on within our family, and I need to open my eyes to see the wider picture, and not let one person's actions spoil things by allowing resentment to creep in because, of course, I know that doesn't help anyone.

So, here I am, taking a big step back. From now on, I'm focussing on the relationship that my husband and I have with our DS, DiL and GC, and not on what the other GPs are up to. Things may not always be as we would like them to be, but I'm going to cherish the times that we spend together with our family, and rise above any irritating behaviour from certain others.

Nansnet

Well thought out comments from Bradfordlass, I agree generally with everyone else, you have to let it go.

I totally understand how you are feeling, it sounds like you put yourself out enormously to help them, and aren’t treated very well in return, it sounds like they’re trying to juggle a lot of balls at the moment, so possibly being a bit self centred.

Again, nothing is helped by reading Facebook