How to handle feeling snubbed and upset?

Hi there I agree with Jane as well. Next year get in first and suggest you book into a hotel so you can see DG open her presents. Be light and bubbly. I think your DIL probably braces herself when her mother is coming and it has nothing to do with you. So get in first.
And I would heed someone else's good advice, "the less said soonest mended" Very good advice indeed. Don't say anything at all but get in first very sweetly of course. You catch more flies with honey as they say, good luck.

Whilst I'm sorry to read that this has obviously upset you deeply, I would be tempted, in the future, to not expect to stay in DS and DIL's home at all. I would simply book a hotel nearby, ever other grandma cannot stop you doing that, and visit when I felt like it. I certainly would not be manipulated by this clearly toxic other grandma!

Nansnet
As one GN said your GS would not know it was his first birthday.All he would see /understand were people giving him cuddles and toys or what ever else they chose to give.
All is now water under the bridge but for the future why not plan your visits so it does not coincide with the 'in laws'.

I agree you need to be more assertive about what you want to do, and also that you have to try and let the other granny’s relationship with the family wash over you.

It does get easier as the children get older as they will love all their grandparents equally, regardless of how often they see you. A wise friend advised me, in a similar situation, to make the most of FaceTime/Skype calls, to send postcards and little presents, and to enjoy all the time I did have with them.

It does sound like there’s some thoughtlessness on the part of your son, maybe you should have a word with him to say that you don’t want your grandchildren to grow up not knowing who their granny is! My husband’s parents were very proactive about visiting - maybe a little TOO proactive sometimes - but it would never have occurred to me to say they couldn’t come, and I was very grateful for their interest in our children.

I agree you have to let things go, but a side effect of this can be that the more you accept being sidelined and/or always accommodating, the envelope gets pushed a little further. It's very hard when you are a non-confrontational person but in my experience it's the awkward so and sos who often get the most attention and best treatment.

It’s 114 days until Christmas...?
Don’t get hurt again - get planning.

All 4 of mine are much closer to my mother than mil - as a woman, when you have a baby, you want your mum, I don’t think it’s the same for a man.
I have 1girl and 3 boys but when the boys have babies, sadly I do expect to take 2nd place to the mothers’ mother.

With hindsight you could have booked the hotel room yourself, without being invited by your GS and then just informed them you were staying for an extra few days - not up to the MiL when you stay or leave if you are not even in your GS home!
I think you need to speak to your son and ask about the photos with the presents you gave to your GC. They may (and probably were overwhelmed with the number of gifts and forgot who had given what!
I must admit that I always smile when I see people making a big fuss of their childs/GC 1st birthday , saying they are "making memories" - who for? The baby certainly won't remember ! I have often mentioned thing to my GS about when he was a child and he doesn't remember many of them !
If the MiL is so obnoxious, suggest that for future birthdays/ Christmas and New Year, that you set p an arrangement that you are either there a week before birthdays or a week after and arrange a celebration for then - it will make the GC feel special to have an extra long birthday - if MiL is there for Christmas, arrange to be there for New Year - even if staying in a hotel so that way you will be around for a special time of year.

Poor you ....It sounds like a bit of a minefield. I agree with Dillyduck tho, unless they make a stand with this “controlling woman” they are enabling her to fester unhealthy family dynamics, which will eventually impact on the child. They need to start as they mean to go on, they need to control the visits and ensure all are treated fairly. Good luck ....

Grow some balls OP
Sons are useless at things like this. Tell him you’re upset and feel pushed out!
You’ve done enough for him and your DIL this is rude, thoughtless behaviour.

I agree with Bradfordlass - I have had to stop myself from thoughts of being snubbed several times. I tell myself that it may not be all about me! - and it generally isn't!

I can understand the OP feeling sad about the situation; but it is important not to interpret it as a deliberate snub.

I think it's time your son asserted his authority about what happens in his home with his child and his parents. Sounds like DIL needs to stand up to her bossy parents too.

Least said, soonest mended. However it’s unwise of her to put photos FB.

I would suggest blocking your daughter’s MIL on Facebook. What the eye doesn’t see the heart doesn’t grieve over. You can always unblock her if you change your mind.

Bradfordlass
Thank you for your post at 04.29.
I'm going to keep this post because 'these situations' are always cropping up between my daughter and my OH.
I'm a 'let it go' person but neither of them are.
I believe that very few people sit there and think of ways to upset people but OH always believes that it's deliberate and personnel.
I do understand where OH is coming from as he is the most caring/ thinking of others person that you could meet.
The trouble is, he just can't understand why everyone isn't like him.

Nansnet

Well thought out comments from Bradfordlass, I agree generally with everyone else, you have to let it go.

I totally understand how you are feeling, it sounds like you put yourself out enormously to help them, and aren’t treated very well in return, it sounds like they’re trying to juggle a lot of balls at the moment, so possibly being a bit self centred.

Again, nothing is helped by reading Facebook

Thank you all for your great advice! I know I need to not take things so personally, and get my feelings in check. I know the way the other GM conducts herself, and I need to rise above it all and not let what she does/say get to me.

BradfordLass72, you are correct, there is so much good to see in what's gone on within our family, and I need to open my eyes to see the wider picture, and not let one person's actions spoil things by allowing resentment to creep in because, of course, I know that doesn't help anyone.

So, here I am, taking a big step back. From now on, I'm focussing on the relationship that my husband and I have with our DS, DiL and GC, and not on what the other GPs are up to. Things may not always be as we would like them to be, but I'm going to cherish the times that we spend together with our family, and rise above any irritating behaviour from certain others.

I've noticed, over my lifetime, how people take things in life so personally.

If I transgressed at home, my mother would say, "What have I done to deserve this?' or "Why are you doing this to me?'
On no occasion did I ever actually DO anything to my mother.
Something happened, she was affected and she took it personally. Whose fault was that?

I see it in my elders group and I see it here. So many people who immediately think they are the centre of what's happening when I am sure they are all intelligent and experienced enough to know that the situation they are in is simply life taking a turn they don't like.

No one has singled them out, no one has targeted them for special punishment (except very rarely in cases of abuse)

I'm sitting here with my upset slowly turning into smoldering anger at the injustice of it all. How do I handle this, without ending up saying something which I may later regret

By understanding that not everyone thinks or acts like you.

By accepting that people say and do things without having the first clue they are insensitive.

By not jumping to conclusions about why people did or did not do something.

By looking at all the good things that have happened in the relationship, being grateful for them and using them as a balance for the whole picture.

And by accepting that in a family, everything doesn't revolve around one person.

I've read all your post and there's obviously so much good to see in what's gone on and yet you don't see it because you have allowed resentment to swamp it.
How has that helped anyone, you especially?

Stand back, re-evaluate, stop smouldering, learn to forgive and thank god you have so much wonder and love in your life.

Just grit your teeth and hope for the best.

My mother always used to say you should ask yourself if it will matter in five years, and if it won’t, then let it go!
Would there be any nice places near where they live, and you could say you’ve seen a nice hotel there, so are thinking of taking a trip there next year?

I am sorry you are hurt Nansnet, birthdays are so important aren't they.

My friend has a very, very strained relationship with her daughter, and has had to suffer 'delivering' the birthday gifts before her grandchildren's parties. She has to leave before the in laws arrive and the party starts, I don't think she's ever seen the cake candles being blown out. I'm not a grandmother yet, and wonder what will happen in my family.

I agree with all those posters who say be a bit more assertive, but only when it's important. Don't be intimidated.

You may find the same problem at Christmas. If that's the case I would ask now if they want to spend Christmas alone or if you can visit (if you want to that is). It's your family too.
And perhaps book for next birthday and tell the in-laws well in advance that you will be staying.
Apart from that I wouldn't say anything. She sounds very bossy. Don't let her get to you. It will only hurt and stress you. It's not worth it. It's not as if you never see your family. It sounds like you do and they enjoy having you and your husband there.

As for facebook, I would "unfollow" her and not be tempted to look. I have a friend who does this kind of silly thing.
Asked if you have seen them you can say "Oh I don't really do facebook much......"

I’m afraid you need to let things go over your head in respect of the other grandmother, because your dil will always be respectful of her mother. The other grandmother will not change her ways and will not care if her behaviour upsets anyone else. The important thing is to concentrate on your efforts to engage with your grandchild and family as and when you see them. Try to arrange visiting when mil is not there. When your grandchild is older, then you can have more meaningful interaction in their lives, making happy memories which they will remember for ever. Try to avoid conflict with the other grandmother but subtlety is the key - not confrontation. Best of luck!

Apologies for the dripfeed!

By focussing on your relationship with your son, his wife and your grandchild, you are in fact asserting yourself and expressing your wishes, without being explicit about it.

Some good advice here, it’s a tricky one if especially you're not a naturally assertive person and the other gran has no problem in that department! I think if you don't push yourself a little bit you could find yourself slipping into the the role of the ones who always compromise while dil parents settle into the role of being the ones who always have exactly what they want.

Your post at 7.51 today is spot on, focus on your time with your grandchild and let the rest wash over you. This "stage" will pass, you are a grandparent for a long time.