How to handle feeling snubbed and upset?

When my D & her partner bought a house we helped them no end, (hubby is stepfather) new kitchen, bathroom, curtains etc, then when she had a baby I called to see them & the poor thing was crying nonstop. I could tell by the way she was crying she was dehydrated so I said D!s partner to give her a little boiled, cooled water to which I was told to mind my own and you can’t give a baby water, she then told me to stay away! Thank goodness the midwife walked in, she asked me to go and buy a readymade carton of baby milk and told D to get boiled cooled water and give her that while I got back saying GD was dehydrated and hungry, D had tried to breastfeed but no milk was getting through due to a reduction op she’d had some years before. I walked out then and my D begged me not to go, she said partner didn’t mean it, but I saw the venom spitting out of her mouth.
I cried as I walked all the way home
Our relationship started on a downward spiral after that! When partners relations came over we put them up and fed them every time because they didn’t have the room. Then they moved, back to our home town. We kept on visiting, staying in a hotel taking them out for meals etc
Then when it came to birthdays we were asked if we were going and when we got there we were shoved in the front room and told by D’s partner, ‘you can all stay in there, I can’t do with you in the kitchen/diner while I’m preparing food’. Then within half an hour her family would arrive, go into the kitchen and passing the living room door wouldn’t even look in and say hello, except for her brother and BiL. We were then left in the front room and by this time there’d be no room for our family and without being offered anything until her family had virtually taken what they wanted!
The other thing that got my goat was if something drastic went wrong like when the boiler burst, can we help because ‘it’s January and we’ve got no hot water or heating....Hubby organised urgent delivery of a boiler and when the guy realised they’d sent the wrong one UPGRADED it at no extra cost because he knew my Hubby! We were never even offered any money towards the £890 it cost us, not that we would have took it but it makes me feel used!
They moved back when my GD was a baby and when she got to about 9/10 every time we went D’s partner would make some excuse to take her out...needed clothes, shoes, school stuff, it got that I hardly ever saw her! Now both she and the younger girl are virtual strangers to whom I send money for birthday, Christmas, going on holiday, passing exams etc! Last year I posted jewellery for oldest girl’s birthday 18th, by special delivery, I don’t know if she liked it because I had to message my D to even find out if it had been received!
5 years ago my H was taken seriously ill and when he got better we asked if they would like to go to Disney, Paris, they jumped at it. All we asked was to help with driving and help me with his wheelchair. We stayed in the top hotel, all food except lunch paid for, my H says I shouldn’t take notice and I don’t do things to get anything back we did it because I love them but at least they could show some respect.
My D and Partner had a civil ceremony when it was first passed in law some years ago and I wasn’t asked to go, or told about it until I saw a photo in their living room. Yet her family went. That really hurt!!! Just after that they adopted a baby girl, she is now 12 and the last time we saw her she was allowed to come and stay for a few days last year, we offered to take her back but was told ‘no, we can pick her up’, they did and my GD came too, they stayed exactly an hour and a half, that is the last time I saw any of them. I used to text them to see how they are but often just got a cursory answer, if I asked a question, they don’t bother answering. It’s now been 3 years and apart from my fathers funeral and that one ‘flying’ visit I’ve seen nor heard nothing. And that’s what happens when you stay quiet and try not to upset anyone!
Seems to me when the money ran out and you get too old they don’t want to know you.
I did get a text from her to say she heard that my dog had died and was sorry, the week after I got a text to say her partners brother had died and that she had been getting chest pains and was going for a heart scan, answered I was sorry I about BiL dying and about her heart and that I’d had a heart problem for over a year too, she’s not bothered answering me!
Our side of the family don’t get birthday cards or presents or Christmas presents, I get a card from my D but it’s always at least 4 days late! Yet we all send cards and gifts although this year I didn’t send a gift to DiL but I did send a card, neither if my sons have had a birthday card for years, I just tell them to be the bigger person but I don’t know if I’m right ??? DiL openly shows her dislike of them both and also for my eldest sons wife.
Sometimes I think you can’t do anything right no matter what you do and now I’m getting old I can’t be bothered!!!!

Lumarei, I'm sure you are correct. I'm pretty sure that the other GM is so engrossed in her own selfish little world that she has no idea that her actions are hurtful to others. I will do my best to rise above it. I know I'm better than that.

Such a good post Bradfordlass
I always say to my sensitive daughter and DH who take everything personally that most people JUST DON’T THINK as they are far too engrossed in their own world.
Their hurting you is plain coincidental. It is healthier to think that way and give people the benefit of doubt.

Well said Nansnet! (Last post)

I entirely understand how you feel having had similar experiences. Sometimes I wonder if I should have said," Have you any idea how you are making me feel? " But it wouldn't do any good with someone as insensitive as that. I have had to stop myself making the sign of the cross on these occasions and saying, " I'm praying for you." but it would make me look like a nutter.

Thank you for letting us know how you now feel. I do sowish I knew how others were getting on after posting on here. Very many best wishes to you. You're doing the right thing and will reap the benefit. I do understand how upset you must feel but very much doubt any intention to hurt was there, just thoughtlessnesss at a busy time. Facebook oversharing is for the lonely and nothing, nothing like their real lives.

It's quite shocking isn't it really, that there are some GMs who do so much to upset the other one, without seemingly thinking about the upset their actions may cause. Especially when you're an easy-going person yourself, who wouldn't dream of deliberately upsetting anyone, or excluding them from something that would obviously mean a lot to them.

I also have a daughter and, if one day she has a child, I know for a fact that both she and I will be totally inclusive as far as her partner's parents are concerned. I would never dream of becoming like my DiL's mother. The GC would be just as important to them as it would be to us, and no GP deserves to feel the way that I, and many other posters here, have been made to feel.

I totally understand that daughters will usually always gravitate towards their own mother, and I completely understand that ... I'm a daughter myself! But the way some GMs and DiLs behave is quite unnecessary really.

So, lighten up some of you grandmothers, and daughters-in-law (you know who you are!) ... and treat your co-grandparents the way you'd like to be treated yourselves!

I haven't read all the replies but just want to add that being resentful and angry makes for an unattractive person.
I can sense the smoldering undercurrent in the air as you left before the party.
It's a hard situation to retreat from and all a bit too serious.
Cheer up. Count your many blessings, Send a card to the family giving plenty of notice of your next visit.

The games we play - eh?

'and my DIL's mother'

Nansnet, you could have been describing my eldest son and DIL and most DIL's mother. DIL's mother is selfish and nasty at every opportunity. She has been like this since the first time we met. She so obviously wanted my husband and I out of the picture. We too were left out of the first birthday celebrations and the Second too! We have had terrible upsets over the last two years and we do not have anything to do with the other GP now. They didn't speak to us at he our son and DIL's wedding wedding even though we tried very hard. Our son will not go against DIL or other GM regardless of how wrong they may be. He says they will be dead in 10 years so just to suck it up for now!! Our other son tells us his brother is anything for an easy life'. So yes, try to accept what you have or I think it will get worse for you. Try not to dwell on what the other GP have or do. It has taken us a lot of time and more heartache than I would wish on anyone!!

Speaking from experience here, due to illness and being 400 miles away this happens regularly to hubby and myself, apart from the fact that son and daughter in law send us a full rundown of the day, which is wonderful. Daughter in laws mum constantly puts pics up on the dreaded Facebook definitely aimed at us saying how much she is loved by the grandchildren and what she does with them etc etc. On the few times a year that we do see them she muscles in on our time even though daughter-in-law has told her to stay away. However upsetting it is, I genuinely don’t let it bother me anymore, if she wants to be childish and pathetic then that’s her problem it actually shows me her insecurities.
I honestly wouldn’t say anything nansnet at the moment, I do understand how hurt and upset it makes you, but your grandchild is only one and I promise you from experience that as they get older, they will make a wonderful bond with you and things may smooth out a bit, but if they don’t, then just amuse yourself with all the needy and silly posts that she puts on Facebook because I can bet your bottom dollar that other people see them as well and probably notice how “needy”she looks. I’m not very good at explaining things but I do feel for you, and I genuinely understand where you are coming from, but don’t get bitter or angry over it, because those feelings will make you feel destroyed.

I agree with many of the comments above, and the need to focus on the good times you do have.
Since I divorced from my first husband 12 years ago I have celebrated Christmas Day with my Sons and my DHs lovely daughter and grandson on the 27th December not the 25th. We do the presents, and the big Christmas lunch etc.
On the 25th my DH and I spend a quiet day together walking the dog and enjoying having the TV to ourselves!
It used to bother me that other families were all together on the 25th and a couple of times I tried to suggest they all come to us on the 25th to no avail and I soon realised that those thoughts just spoilt the 25th for me and DH. It has become our own tradition now and with a new Dil and granddaughter added to the family I just enjoy ‘Christmas Day’ on a different day and don’t think about the date.
It’s lovely that you can still go to see your family (I’m sure if any of ours moved abroad we would struggle to afford to go and visit) and with Skype etc you can keep in touch really easily these days too.
It’s so wonderful being a grandparent don’t risk doing/saying anything to jeopardise your relationship with your DGC.

palliser65, that is my point exactly ... being expected to leave on the morning of GCs birthday, and no one thinking to say that perhaps it would be nice to ask me to stay, even if it meant moving into a local hotel for a night or two. It would've been nice to be asked. I wasn't originally meant to be there at that time, as I've previously stated, that the other GM specifically told me months ago that they would be visiting then, so basically letting me know that it wouldn't be convenient for us to be there at the same time. It was only because there was an urgent problem with childcare that I had to go over, until the other GPs arrived as planned. But of course, regardless of that fact, it would've been nice to be asked if we would like to go over to celebrate GCs first birthday. There is no jealously involved, just great disappointment and upset.

We have known our DiL, and her parents for many years and have, up until GC came along, had a pretty good relationship with them (although she has always been bossy!). Spending several Christmases all together, and even holidays. Sadly, DiL's mother has since become the over-bearing maternal GM, who totally disregards everyone else's feelings. Unfortunately, DiL will not say anything to her, and DS keeps his mouth shut for want of a quiet life! So I fear that this situation will never change. It is something that the rest of us are simply going to have to deal with. I'm coming to terms with than now, and I know that my husband and I need to do our own thing, and not concern ourselves with what the other GPs are planning.

Well I think it's all so insensitive of them. U actually travelled along way to babysit I think these other grandparents should be told including DIL that you matter just as much and you are not to be treated as an inconvenience. I would be fuming too!!

I would say next year you should stay a few hours at least to see GC open presents etc and leave later . Don’t accept being pushed into a corner

As one of my children, her husband and children live in another part of the country we have learned over the years to just create extra celebrations. That keeps everyone happy we have early or belated Christmas or birthdays when necessary. They moved from another part of the country to be nearer to my son in law's relatives. Lovely kind helpful people. I am so glad that they did. The children's other Granny died very suddenly and without any warning. She adored the children and at least she managed to have some real quality time with them. We were all heartbroken to lose her and very thankful that they had that special time together.

You are not in competition with the other grandparents. It sounds as if you are jealous of them. Often, the parents of the mother have a more active role. It's just the way things naturally are.

You may have felt banished and or discarded, but really you could have stayed nearby. Unless you are more assertive and clearly state your wishes how are people supposed to guess how you feel?

As for the other grandmother's Facebook posts, surely she's free to do that? You cannot expect her to act the way you would.

In a few years time and with a few more grandchildren you may well be glad of an excuse not to go to the parties! Children's parties are just that - for children!

We have a great relationship with our oldest daughters in-laws, celebrating all the birthdays and other occasions together, we’ve even had them stay for Christmas so we can all celebrate together.

With my youngest daughter, we’ve never met any of her other family, I think it’s a mutual feeling, they’ve never expressed any interest in meeting us. So birthdays and all other occasions are celebrated separately. Works for us.

Personally I have always dreaded our grandchild's birthday celebrations because of facing our DIL's side of the family with whom we have nothing in common except the grandchild. No real warm vibes, so being together was always awkward. I prefer it much more to spend one-on-one time with the grandchildren ( I have two now and a step grandchild).
The first birthday of our granddaughter is coming up, different DIL but similar situation. Her parents are more jovial and easier to like, but still we have nothing in common. My new DIL's mom loves to do special photo shoots of the baby, really dressing her up and posing her as in a studio, and then sharing on Facebook. Although the pictures are cute, I personally prefer photos that show the child in a natural way. I only take pictures of the grandchildren at play, but I digress. I do understand your feelings though! I feel that being the paternal grandmother is more challenging. Our daughter will never have kids, so I will never get to experience that kind of closeness.

I understand your being upset - and see you have had some really wise replies, which you have found helpful which is great. You don't want to confront the other grandmother and I think confrontation is not the way to go - could lead to a rift. But being assertive is different - you could simply say what you'd like, and ask for responses from the family. This is better than letting it all boil up inside you and turning it over and over in your mind; that can end up without your being able to see things objectively, or understand how others may be seeing it all. You sound like a loving person and I hope you can step back, breathe a bit, and find a calm place to speak up appropriately. There is a great book called "A Woman in your Own Right" by Ann Dixon which is all about learning to be assertive and avoiding either passivity or aggressiveness.

Why didn't you say " I know that your mum is here so we thought we would book in to a hotel on our last night so we can be here for baby's birthday". Sounds as if you're being bullied a little. If you don't say anything your smouldering anger will turn into a furnace, if you do say something then you're going to have to be very diplomatic. You could also ask for the video clip that you were promised.

I agree with the posters who said you should have stuck around and not enabled your son's m.i.l. to push you out; too late for the first birthday but worth remembering for future celebrations.

You are not being a silly emotional woman, you're being badly treated by a selfish and controlling woman, your GC's other GM.

This is just such rude and inconsiderate behaviour. The mother wants to be with her mother as been a stressful time for her I understand but to expect the other grandmother to exit on the morning of the birthday!! I'm afraid you'll have to really go for a long walk and then open a good bottle of wine but do not react...please. I do send you many hugs and would share the bottle with you if I could. I just hope things all settle into place and this absolutley thoughtless attitude changes.

I have two granddaughters who live 300miles away.. I have only ever seen the older one on her first birthday -now14! and never seen the younger one on her birthday at all -she will be 12 in November.Their other GM lives a few minutes away from me. .she has seen them more than me over the years as she drives and I don’t.She is divorced and I have been widowed since 2008.
I cannot wait to see them again after just over a year,when friends and I have booked a cottage near where they live ,not far from the sea. They will be at school but hope to see them ‘out of hours’. I think a lot of problems can be caused by the wishes of both sets of GPs. Hope your work out in the end