Double granny-ing

Congratulations ! Why don't you tell your daughter-in-law what you have told us?

You would love to help when the baby comes, but you don't know what your DIL would like in the way of help and that you are concerned that you might hurt her by doing things that she would have loved her mum to do, or doing them differently from what she expects.

Right now, she probably has one idea of what she will need and want of help and when reality kicks in, she will see things differently.

I tell young mothers that I am here and would love to help or advise IF ASKED TO DO SO, but I have no intention of becoming one of the pestilential know-it-alls some grandmas turn into. Make sure your son and his wife know that you are there, they only need to phone and certainly offer to help, but don't just turn up unannounced or start doing things when you visit. Ask whether you should wash up, etc. They might just prefer to sit and chat with you.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Reckon some home cooking, a ready ear, offers of a spot of housework will be welcomed. You sound lovely, I'm sure you'll play it by ear and be very tactful.

Make a list of all the things you could be doing - making dinner, babysitting for an hour or an evening, washing clothes etc. Show her the list. Tell her there will times she wants there to be just the 3 of them, other times she'll be desperate for company. Tell her that you won't know what she wants unless she tells you.
You are already turning into a lovely gran. Enjoy. It's the best job in the world.

When I had my first baby many years ago my mother did not offer me any help so I just got on with it. However my MIL was wonderful, always at the end of the phone but never interfering. My best advice would be FOOD FOOD FOOD. Nothing better after a tiring day than to know there is a lovely meal stashed in the freezer.

Oh forgot. Do the laundry. Nothing nicer than a Granny at the front door with an arm full of clean and ironed washing !!!

If she's planning on breastfeeding you could read up on baby led feeding and find a local support group. Some don't find it easy and feel guilty if it goes wrong and or give up at the first hurdle.
Baby led breastfeeding and baby led weaning the author slips my mind but both were invaluable sources of information.

Lots has changed.
Allow them to lead you with help.
My mother offered no help and criticised everything I did or didn't do.
If she did 'help' it was how she wanted to help and not how I wanted her to help.

You sound amazing xx

My only advice, is make sure that you show your love and concern for your DIL, so that it is not just about the baby - I am sure you will anyway.

It will be that feeling of not just being a brood mare for a new baby that your own mother can give that she will be missing. I know this.

Dad should get 2 weeks paternity leave when baby is born so mum's don't need to go and stay like they used to but when dad goes back to work more help will be appreciated and there will be some things your dil will be happier talking to another woman about. I think you need to play it by ear when baby arrives but before that let both parents know you are there for them and if they need any help just to let you know.

You sound like you will be such a lovely thoughtful granny I must say . And as others have said if you ask the young couple what help they would okie that may be best although of course they won’t yet realise the nitty gritty. If you do the boring tasks putting washing in , making heals cleaning round then mum and dad can concentrate on the newborn Im sure you’ll get a few lovely granny cuddles for your trouble !

I think you should ask your DinL what she would like you to do, and be ready to do whatever is asked of you. Enjoy your grandchild.

She's very lucky to have you. Best to ask things now, just to be clear. I'm my new Grandson's only Grandparent but I've been told I've got to adhere to my daughter's and her partner's 'terms'. It's not only me that's suffering, the little boy is missing out too. Such a shame. The pain is unbearable. Enjoy every minute with your Grandchild.

Offer your help, in that way you're not invading their private space, they can either say yes or no.

Ask them. Initially they will want a few days alone with the baby, You could offer to do shopping, laundry and tidying up and being there if Mum wants a nap . Helping with transport to appointments would be good. You really do need to be guided by the parents being prepared for every day to be different. Enjoy !

Oh Rubylou you sound an ideal ‘combi nan’ , you seem to have a great grasp on tact and thoughtfulness am sure things will be fine.