Double granny-ing

Your DIL needs for help may depend on what sort of a birth she has -good or bad and how she actually feels afterwards.

RubyLou, I was in exactly the same position (although DiL was a bit older when her mum died).
I said to her 'I can never take the place of the wonderful woman who raised you ( I can see you might change that a bit, although 7 years is a significant time) but I stand with you to help and support'.
Let her, your son, and her dad guide you. Thank goodness that living nearby means you can pop in with a casserole, take home some washing, or similar.
My DiL found me one day, looking at a photo of her mum. I said to her 'I'm telling your mum that we're both doing our best'!

My DiL sadly lost her mum just over a year ago. We are close and I treat her the same way I treat DD and my other DiL. I don’t try to replace her mum even though at the funeral she said “you’re my mum now”. I think it was just the emotion of the day and, although her mum asked me to look after her before she died, it is a different role I play to that of her mum.

As for taking care of a new mum, women are much more independent these days. Many husbands play a larger role than ours ever did. I don’t think my DH came near ours when they were tiny.

My advice would be, don’t buy anything for the baby without asking them first. Don’t expect to be visiting unless they specifically ask you. Text to ask if there is anything they would like you to do. Don’t be offended if they don’t reply or refuse help.

There are quite a few posts on GN from people who expect to play a larger part in the GCs life than they do. Don’t fall into the trap of comparing this generation with our own. So many things regarding babies have changed, so be prepared to listen and learn.

I think you sound very sensitive to her loss, very thoughtful and caring. It is a great compliment to be asked to care for the baby and I am sure it will bring you so much joy,

Just a note about the sole gran bit Two of my grandkids lost their dad when they were 4 and 6 and Dads mum and dad had already died I m divorced so these little people only had mum and one grandparent in their lives I think they have missed out a whole lot but I ve done my best to fulfil an extra role or three
Life is always what you make it

Wish there were more grans like you caring about what the young couple want and not what the granny wants
Ask them what they would like you to do Say you can help with the baby or the housework or a bit of shopping as much or as little as they want and you won’t be offended if they want time to themselves but you re free and happy to help anyway anytime
I m betting you ll have a fantastic relationship with them lucky girl and lucky you long may it last
What a refreshing thread

Rubylou you are a kind and caring mother in law, obviously considerate of your daughter in law's feelings. Ask the new parents how much or how little help they want, preparing meals, laundry etc are always jobs which are useful for you to do. Enjoy your new granddaughter, good luck.

Just ask and make it clear that you can be flexible if they change their mind after the birth, either wanting time together without you there, or needing help with any extra shopping from food to clothing for mother or baby.

I suspect first time round they will probably not want you to offer help and advice about caring for your DGC. There is nothing worse than a 'helpful' grandmother when trying to work out which end of the baby the bottle/breast goes and which end the nappy.

Tell them that you remember what it's like to be a first-time parent, and that you understand they will no doubt want to have time together to bond with their new baby, but also that it is such an exhausting time, both emotionally, and physically. Let them know that anytime they want a little help/assistance/support/advice, you will be on hand to help them out, and they shouldn't worry about asking you, as that's what grandparents are for. Let them know that you are there for them, and they only have to say the word.

RubyLou, you are kind to worry about your DIL’s sensitive and conflicting feelings regarding welcoming her daughter while no doubt missing her mother.

Your awareness of this makes me believe you will be just fine

However, the best advice is to wait to be asked, don’t force yourself on them. Even if you think they need it or that they are afraid to ask. Trust me, if they want help they will ask.

Also, understand that their needs/wants will change as time goes on. So be prepared to roll with it and don’t take anything personally.

just ask what they want you to do and how often they want you to be there .Simple and saves you stressing about it.Enjoy your new GD when she arrives,I'm waiting for GD due on Thursday ,fingers crossed she 's not 2 weeks late like her sister

Lost a lot of weight! This sounds great. Hmm - maybe I'll volunteer more.

Ask I think as some young parents want to be left to bond with baby and some like all their family around. Most useful things - doing washing, preparing easy meals, shopping. Both DDs appreciated someone walking round singing/nursing colicky babies so they could actually eat! Granny was more comfortable doing this than their DH and partner who tended to get panicky with crying. I lost a lot of weight!

Thank you Doodle, what a welcoming reply. I suppose i'm worried that a) they won't know what they want! and b) that might let me hang around just to be kind to me. But I will ask DD to sound them out too. She's a straight talker!

I think you sound a lovely granny to be RubyLou and I think the best thing would be to ask the young couple what help they would like. There is no hard and fast rule but asking is usually the best way. Hope you enjoy the new baby.?