New Mom Asking for Advice from Grandmas

"I'm sure she is FUN for children..."

Except that she and her DH let one contract heat stroke. No, sorry, IMO, it's dangerous to leave any child w/ her/them unsupervised.

Are you sure this woman was a good mother? Or are you just saying that because all her children have managed to make it to adulthood!? Don’t EVER put anyone else’s feelings before the safety of your child. Your child will rely on you for absolutely everything, and he/she’s safety and well-being is paramount. If it leads to problems, so be it. Better that, than for your child to become a memory, that you and your husband will live with forever, but will fade for everyone else. Your instincts are the right ones, always trust them. All the best with your new baby.?

This woman has seriously overstepped the mark in every way. She is unlikely to change her ways because she simply doesn't accept she is wrong. Have some serious talks with her by all means but do not leave your child alone with her.
Grandparents only earn the right to care for the grandchildren if they abide by the rules of the parents. We are talking big stuff here, not minor things.
Take this one day at a time as your child grows and deal with things as they arise. Do not get anxious about what will happen a year or two down the road.
While your baby is young concentrate on him/her and maintain complete control.
Do not be bullied into anything, maintain your ground whilst always trying to be polite and friendly. If you wish to have a chat over coffee, put your hand on her arm and talk in a close and confidential way about these issues. After all you want to stay friendly. After many such chats the penny might drop and she might see the error of her ways, but don't count on it.

You cannot leave your child alone with her unless you can trust her completely and that may never happen.

Very long OP so I my apologies if I have missed some of the details but my view would be that the fundamental 'guidelines' (don't like to say rules but it may come to that) are - your child, your relationship, your house.

Your MIL can either respect those 'guidelines', respectfully discuss with you why she may disagree with some aspects of your views OR she can deal with the consequence of very limited contact with her grandchild. Her choice.

From what you have posted and, of course, we only have your perspective but she looks like the MIL from hell. My views have developed from my experience as a mother of 3 and grandmother of 7 with an international family that speaks 3 languages between us. I do have some idea of the complexities of modern family life but the behaviour you have described is just not OK. I do hope you and your partner are on the same page and can talk this through together. You are really going to need to support each other on this issue. Difficult as your MIL sounds somehow she brought up the person you fell in love with so there must something good somewhere in there.

Focus your energies on being the very best mother you can be. Good luck. It's not going to be easy.

Sounds horrendous
Move, move go to another state
Keep your doors locked
Let your husband do any negotiating not you
She’s not fun she’s an accident waiting to happen
Hitting a child, leaving them all day without water, (husband sounds no better) waking them when they re asleep do you realise what you are saying if these are true she shouldn’t be near a child until they are 10

Your MIL sounds pretty cray cray... I have a four month old. I would breastfeed my baby and not let it out of my sight for 6 months. Visits at granny's with you present. No ovrrnights for a while. I'm sure she is FUN for children....but a little baby or toddler? No.

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Serious question here - do you think your MIL may have a medical problem like dementia? As people develop dementia their behaviour can change and become inappropriate, and different from their pre-morbid personality. I note you say she was very different with her own children. Just a thought.

In some cultures, when a baby is born, the new mother and baby stay isolated: no visits at all (other than from husband of course) for a whole month.

There are so many good reasons for this: bonding with baby; not bringing in germs; keeping away importunate mothers in law

Maybe that could be your "new family tradition" ??

At the end of that time, both mother and mother in law are invited to visit together.

Just read through the other replies... Moving might surely help the situation. However, expect MIL to throw a fit about that, too. Also, I realize it might not be feasible. But if it is, IMO, it's a good idea. You can still include her in your lives via visits, etc. But there would be less chance of her showing up unexpectedly, etc.

Then again, visits might be longer than if she lived nearby. So IDK...

Newmom, I don't think you're considering boundaries prematurely. Your baby will be here before you know it, and you've heard disturbing things about MIL's behavior. Of course, IMO, you should prepare now for what you plan to do - not wait till she endangers your child before you set some limits. TG, DH is on the same page as you and not blind to his mum's faults.

I definitely agree with the no-babysitting idea. Also, I would let her know not to arrive uninvited - and I would not let her in the house if she did. It's wonderful that you respect her feelings, and I think you have given her some very wise and kind replies. However, after this, I would not engage. If she brings up a topic already discussed, I would just say, "We already told you what we're doing about that" or something of that nature and change the subject.

In fact, you don't really need to discuss vaccines, etc. w/ her, at all. IMO, it's ok that she gave you her opinion on these things, but she doesn't have a say in them and doesn't need to be consulted or convinced. There's a saying, "Don't JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain)" your decisions to difficult people. I think it may apply here.

Glad you refused the car seat! Not only can carseats become damaged, etc., but, as you say yourself, safety standards change over the years.

Would it help if DH let her know the boundaries, etc? Some people respond better to their own AC than a DIL or SIL.

Unfortunately, I'm afraid MIL's expectations will be dashed and her feelings are likely to be hurt. But you and DH have to protect your child, your family unit, and your sanity. Sadly, your relationship w/ MIL may change - I hope not, but it might. It's not unusual for parent/AC and MIL/DIL relationships to change when the first baby comes, and sometimes, it's b/c of issues like these.

It's not as if you're cutting her off completely, just limiting her alone-time and preventing her from taking over (arriving unannounced and waking child). She's very lucky, IMO, that she will still be included.

Speaking from experience I would not want to live close. The potential for stress is high.

OP,

You KNOW your MIL will not follow and respect your very reasonable boundaries

You KNOW she will do all those unsafe and abusive things to your innocent child who cannot defend himself/herself

You KNOW she will put your child in danger,

You KNOW there are no magic words to make an adult understand what common sense is

You KNOW she is not the person you want her to be

I am sorry she is not the grandma you would like for your child.

That woman should never be in the present of a child, least alone your baby - she is dangerous and you need to put your child's wellbeing first.

Good Luck OP

Your boundaries are normal and healthy. Please do stand firm

Wow. So many responses! Thank you to all who offered advice. I truly do appreciate it.

This most definitely is not a hoax. Just some very specific situations to highlight my genuine concerns. I understand it seems wildly irresponsible for my sister in law to allow her mother to watch her child (and so frequently) after just the few incidents I mentioned and my husband and I fully agree to that. My sister in law is a much more "hands off" mother who 1. wants the free time to herself and 2. will make rules but not stand up to her mother when she breaks them. But she isn't my concern so I chose to not emphasize on her specific family dynamic too much. I tried to keep this post focused on what I can control within my own nuclear family. My other nephews are living out of state and while my mother in law visits them, she has never spent time with them unsupervised. My brother in law and his wife are much more responsible parents than my sister in law. Again, it isn't my focus what my husbands siblings allow to happen with their children. All I can control is what I allow to happen with mine.

I also didn't choose to highlight why we do love and respect her because my post was lengthy enough. There's lots to love as well as like about her. She was the complete opposite as a mother according to my husband and his siblings.

With all of that being said, I thank you all again for your input. I'm going to take some specific suggestions I found in your responses to my husband so that we might have a better handle on how to balance protecting our son and keeping a good relationship with Grandma. Now signing off...

I think it's going to be a nightmare frankly.
Could you maybe move further away.

I took this post at face value simply because I have met people (not all grandmas either) like this.

So what the poster said, didn't sound outlandish to me.

And as for people speaking up to stop it happening - how many times have we heard, 'I saw it but I didn't like to say anything' or 'there's no point in telling her, she just ignores you'. ?
People are, in many cases, weak in the face of a dominant person.

So hoax or not, my opinion on anyone who abuses children still stands.

WHY ON EARTH DID THE CHILD'S PARENTS LET HER DO THIS? Why did the child's parents not say "No, stay out of his bedroom!"very firmly and bar her way if she was hell-bent on going to take a sleeping child from his bed
BIL is likely terrified of his mum

She sounds the type to tantrum.

Re: farmor15s ridiculous comments on breastfeeding - FED is best. OO, feed your baby however you and your husband decide. Dont worry about people who judge you.

I don't know what your family traditions are regarding power status of grandparents visivis parents , but in my family she'd be regarded as a holy terror.

I quote from the Halfords website

The folks at Maxi-Cosi suggest replacing your car seat bases and boosters after 10 years, that's if it hasn't been dropped or involved in an accident. If you're unsure, query your car seats date of manufacture, or if you're an owner of a Maxi-Cosi product then check the orange and white sticker attached to the seat.5 Mar 2018
www.halfords.com › blog › c...

Still think it is a wind up - OP doth protest too much - or else she is neurotic.

MawB

Car seats absolutely can expire. The plastic doesn't stay good for an indefinite period of time. Even if they look okay, there may be microscopic damage that can't be seen and could render the seat unsafe in case of an accident. The car seat should be replaced if it's expired (there is an expiration date on it) or if it has EVER been in an accident, no matter how serious. This is why I always caution people not to purchase or borrow used car seats. Even the most well-intentioned person may have had a very minor accident they forgot about or didn't think was serious enough to report, or maybe their spouse or another person took the car with the car seat in it and had a minor accident they didn't know about. In some jurisdictions, too, insurance companies are required by law to cover the cost to replace the car seat in the event of an insurance claim.

I initially gave up half way through this lengthy diatribe but have now read through to the end and frankly, I reserve judgement.
Is it the plot for some misery memoir or a guide to all the hypothetical possible dangers a new mother faces?
Finally the 8 year old car seat saga- I was not aware they could “expire” and I know DD borrowed one from her older sister which was 5 years old -a Maxi- cosy isofit - no problems.
I strongly advise you emigrate.

I agree with the last two posters, this has to be a joke. I am trying to imagine my ac reaction to somone slapping their children!

I agree Day6 and sodapop who would have anything to do with this woman themselves. Don't know why but it was the mention of the used 8 year old car seat that finally sealed it as a wind up for me.